


Sleep as Deep as Death

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Coma, Depression, F/M, Head Injury, Hospital, ICU, Insomnia, Intensive care, Miscarriage, Other hospitally stuff, Paranoia, Pregnancy, Rehabilitation, Seizures, Smoking, TBI, Traumatic Brain Injury, Unconscious Tyler, Ventilation, paranoid schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 85,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Josh was sick of waiting. It wasn't okay anymore. It wasn't terrifying, wasn't hopeful, wasn't nauseating, wasn't anything. He was numb. Numb and fixated on the rise and fall of his best friend's chest, dictated by a machine.Tyler is in the ICU comatose and does nothing but sleep. Josh on the other hand can't sleep at all.
  Prequel





	1. What happened

**Author's Note:**

> I promised new content, and I have supplied new content :)  
> I love writing my other stories and I'm so excited to update them, but I had a little idea at 10pm last night so I did the healthy thing and stayed up till 3 writing this. Enjoy!

The thing they don't tell you about the ICU is the quiet. The ongoing quiet, only fractured by the steady bleep bleep bleep of the heart monitor and the expanding of the pump and the compression of the pump and the expanding of the pump and the compression of the pump forcing air through the pipe and into his lungs.

It's so quiet, and you don't want that to change because when it wasn't quiet it was filled with alarms and nurses and doctors and shouts and screams and tears. But the quiet, fuck, the quiet got to you sometimes. Sometimes Josh'd pray that Tyler would suddenly wake up screaming from a nightmare like normal, it was horrible but the noise would be better than quiet. Him being awake and screaming was better than not knowing when or even if he was going to wake up again.

They wouldn't put a date on it, they said they couldn't. They said once the swelling had gone down enough, once the pressure on his brain had decreased enough. They said a lot of things. Josh didn't believe most of it. He didn't believe they were optimistic he would make a full recovery. He didn't believe that it wasn't his fault. He didn't believe there was nothing they could do but wait.

Josh was sick of waiting. It wasn't okay anymore. It wasn't terrifying, wasn't hopeful, wasn't nauseating, wasn't anything. He was numb. Numb and fixated on the rise and fall of his best friend's chest, dictated by a machine.

That was one of the reasons he didn't trust the doctor when he said Tyler would wake up soon. To start with they had the ventilator in his mouth, but after a week they moved it so the tube stuck out of a hole in his throat. Tracheostomy they called it. Google called it a long term procedure. Long term, as in the doctor lying, as in Tyler not waking up soon.

  
"Sir, general visiting hours are over, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the nurse told him, but Josh didn't break eye contact with Tyler's chest. "Sir,"  
"I'm not leaving," he croaked.  
"It's 8 o clock, only immediate family members can stay I'm afraid,"  
"I'm not leaving,"  
"I have to insist,"  
"Are you deaf? Or just stupid?! I'm not leaving," he snapped, and the timid woman hurried away quickly.

Josh's brow relaxed again as he focused on the rise and fall, rise and fall. Everyday all day it would rise and fall. Nothing else, no head roll, no finger twitch, no sign of life except the rise and fall. The rise and fall, orchestrated entirely by the ventilator.

"Josh," the ward manager said, arriving at the foot of Tyler's bed. He didn't need to look up to recognise the old man's deep voice. "Please don't be aggressive towards my staff, I understand this is a difficult situation but that doesn't make it acceptable."  
"You're not getting rid of me,"  
"We've let you stay for the last few nights because Tyler's wife gave her consent, but that's not the case anymore,"  
"Jenna can fuck right off, what right does she have to control me," He muttered, still not looking up.  
"A legal one, she's his next of kin. Look, Josh, I just so happen to agree with her. You need to go home, get some sleep, freshen up and sort yourself out a bit. Come back tomorrow morning,"  
"I'm not leaving,"

"What would Tyler want if he could see you now? Would he want you to carry on sitting here day in day out? Or would he want you to look after yourself,"  
"I'm not leaving. Call security to drag me out again, but I'm not leaving,"  
"I'm not calling security, but you should know that Jenna has called your parents."  
"Bitch,"  
"Josh let them take you home, let them help you,"  
"Who the Hell are you to talk about helping people?! Your one job is to look after Tyler and you've done fuck all. 19 days and you've done nothing. Why don't you fucking help him rather than me?!"  
"I'm going to grab you a glass of water whilst you wait for your parents to arrive."

 

Josh hated the polystyrene cups almost as much as he hated the slightly acidic water that always left his mouth feeling dryer than before. Once he had thrown the lukewarm liquid down his hoarse throat, he began passively breaking the cup in time with Tyler's mechanical breaths. He pushed its rim with his bloody chewed thumb, snapping little segments into the increasingly smaller cup.

Josh couldn't remember the last time he had been home, 3 4 days? He hadn't totally shut down, at least that's what he told himself, because he left to go to the toilet and to the cafeteria and to smoke. He wasn't leaving the hospital, but he left the room sometimes so that was fine.

And Tyler would no doubt yell at him for picking up his old bad habit again, although first he'd have to wake up. But as each day blended to another and each cig break used up more of a packet, Josh convinced himself that Tyler would never be able to call him a cancer enthusiast again.

If Josh let himself think about all the things that Tyler would never do again then his vision would go all misty and his chest would go all tight and his breath would get all caught. So he didn't. Instead he would sit with him, sit with him and wait for something to happen. Anything at all.

 

  
"Josh sweetheart, hey," Laura said, opening the door to Tyler's room. "You ready to go? Dad's waiting in the car,"  
"No,"  
"How is he?" She sighed, walking over to Tyler's bed and carefully running her hand through his long combed hair. He never combed it himself. This time Jenna had combed it, but Josh hated it, he really hated it. All he could think of was Tyler as a corpse being prepared for display at his funeral, being primed by the undertaker. He wasn't dead yet, the bleep bleep bleeps told Josh that he wasn't dead yet.

"No change," Josh murmured, hand covering half his mouth.  
"That's better than deteriorating," the mother attempted to comfort him with a fake smile. Fucking sick of fake smiles.  
"Is it?" He replied doubtfully.

"Come on sweetie, let's get you home," she sighed sympathetically.  
"Not leaving him,"  
"Afraid you're gonna have to J, hospital policy says you can't stay unless Jenna says okay, and Jenna wants you home for tonight."  
"Don't care,"  
"Have you been here since I dropped you off on Monday?"  
"Yeah," he admitted.  
"Right, come on you, bed time. You're 28, let's not play the stubborn 6 year old game. It's 9pm, I'll have you back in that chair by 9am I guarantee, as long as you hop in the shower, have a decent meal and get some shuteye. He'll still be here in the morning I promise."

 

  
Josh gave up tossing and turning in the bed that now felt foreign to him at 1am and rolled out of it, staggering out the window of his apartment and onto the fire escape.

The scattered half hours of sleep on the crappy plastic chairs in the ICU had done nothing to stifle his exhaustion, and yet he couldn't sleep in his own home. Every time his eyes shut he relived it over and over again, and every moment his eyes spent looking up at the white ceiling was invaded by the desire to be next to his best friend. He needed to be there, to be with him, just in case - just in case what? Josh didn't know. All he knew was that he couldn't sleep.

With a shaking hand he sparked the lighter once, then twice, then a third time before it finally caught. He sheltered the flame from the wind and brought it up to the cigarette gripped between his chapped lips, rolling his head back once its tip began to glow.

Josh didn't even feel the cold of the mid November weather despite only being dressed in the shirt and shorts his mother had forced him into. She slept on his couch, despite his protests, but she hadn't even stirred as he heaved the heavy window open and clanged his feet against the loud metal steps.

Josh knew she meant well, but it didn't stop him from wishing she would disappear off the face of the planet Earth.

He had come to the recent conclusion that other people sucked. They sucked real bad. Not a single one of Tyler's so called friends had payed him a visit, and his parents only swung by for the occasional half hour inspection when it was convenient for them.

Jenna joined Josh for a few hours every day, but she was really starting to piss him off. She always wanted to read to Tyler, incessantly doling out paragraph after paragraph of meaningless sound, even pausing at certain points to ask him questions. As if he gave a damn about why whoever the protagonist was did whatever the protagonist did, he had a 9.6mm diameter tube shoved through a hole in his throat. And the crying. Once she started she'd never stop, soaking Josh's shirt and blocking out the sound of the bleep bleep bleeps.

No, people sucked. They all sucked par one, and that one just so happened to be comatose. So Josh flicked the first complete cigarette to the ground and lit a second, already anxious that his remaining 11 wouldn't be enough to get him through till morning.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Day 28 was the same as day 27, and the same as day 5 and the same as day 11 and the same as every other bloody day. Josh paced and Josh sat and Josh smoked and Tyler did nothing.

And yet day 28 was significant because Tyler had gone into the coma on the 28th. It was significant because Josh was 28 and Tyler would be 28 in a matter of days. It was significant because 28 meant 4 weeks which meant 1 month which meant a certain statistic kept ringing around Josh's head.

90% of brain injured patients who are vegetative for one month or longer will fail to improve to a state better than severe disability.

"Josh," Jenna said as she walked back into the room after getting herself a paper cup of crappy tea.  
"Mm?"  
"I think you should head home, I'll stay with him and call you if anything happens,"  
"I'm good,"  
"Go shower and brush your teeth, you stink like a human ashtray."  
"Thanks,"  
"I'm serious Josh, how many are you up to now?"  
"Like a pack and half a day," he murmured, not making eye contact as he watched Tyler's chest rise and fall.  
"What's that? 18?"  
"30," he told her and she exclaimed under her breath, "but I don't get what that has to do with you. It's literally none of your fucking business,"  
"Don't cuss, you know he doesn't like cussing. He doesn't want you smoking either,"  
"Well he should fucking wake up and do something about it then," Josh snapped, standing up from the grossly uncomfortable chair he now called home and striding over to the window.

The view was bad. The buildings were half derelict, the litter atrocious, the weather abysmal. Fucking pathetic fallacy.

"Josh, you know I don't blame you don't you?" Jenna said softly, but his mouth was too busy ripping the skin off from around his thumb to answer. He didn't want Jenna's empty forgiveness. Didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness. Didn't need anyone's forgiveness.

"When Ty wakes up he'll tell you the same,"  
"If,"  
"When," Jenna insisted.  
"It's been a month, 9-" Josh began to mutter quietly.  
"I swear if you say that 90% stat again then I'm going to call your mom to take you home."  
"You're living in your own fucking fantasy world you realise, fairy land where everything is fine and works out in the end and has a fucking happy ending; meanwhile back in shitty reality Tyler can't fucking breathe. If I were to flick that switch then he would die."  
"Josh we're not flicking any switches, never,"  
"Why the fuck not?! He's fucking gone Jenna, we're both just sat here watching an empty vessel - and for what?! This is hopeless,"  
"I know you don't believe that Josh,"  
"You know jack shit about me."

"I know that you're angry, and you're angry because you're scared. I know that Tyler is your best friend and that imagining life with him perhaps being a little different is terrifying, but I know that you haven't lost hope. If you had then you wouldn't be here. Josh he can do this, I know he can, we just need to work together to make sure that we can do this too. He loves us and that's never going to change, and we need to show him that goes the other way too. I know you're scared, but I also know you're brave and Tyler needs that. No matter what happens, he needs us. Please Josh, work with me on this, I'm not the enemy."  
"I'm going for a smoke." Josh informed her, pacing away from the window and heading towards the door, scratching the back of his head.

"Josh please don't,"  
"You're welcome to join me," he mutters bitterly.  
"You know I can't,"  
"You know I didn't mean it." He spat back as he walked out of the the room, the door bouncing shut behind him.

Josh sighed, looking at his unconscious best friend through the small window in the door from the corridor. After a second he had to look away, averting his attention to the whiteboard to the side.

_Room Number 4_  
_Name: Tyler Joseph_  
_Medical condition: Traumatic Brain Injury_  
_Admitted: 28/10/16_  
_Discharge date:_  
_Today's target(s):_  
_Treatment plan: Observations_

And suddenly Josh had enough of fucking observations. Enough of standing around and enough of watching and enough of no fucking plan and no fucking targets and no sort of acknowledgement that this was wrong. How could there be literally nothing they could do? It was wrong and it was fucking bull and Josh decided that the trash next to him deserved to pay. In a fit of frustration he kicked the plastic container over before storming down the corridor to calm his nerves with a cig.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

As far as Josh was concerned, day 34 was just day 34. As far as Jenna was concerned, day 34 was Tyler's birthday and for some reason that required a massive fanfare. She brought in a whole bunch of helium filled balloons and made two dozen cupcakes and iced every single one, offering them out to all the staff and family members on the ward. Jenna even brought in bunting and wrapped it around the rails of Tyler's bed. She thought it was marvellous, Josh thought it was obscene and an obvious display of a breakdown.

"Come on Joshie, have a cupcake," she grinned, standing next to Tyler with all the remaining cakes on his over-bed table, balloons bobbing behind her. Josh remained slouched in his chair on the other side of the room and scoffed.  
"I'll pass,"  
"They're Ty's favourite, red velvet, and look! This one's got a little basketball on it," Jenna smiled, holding one up proudly. Josh stared back blankly. "Or there's tiny music note ones too, the treble clef took me like 20 minutes and 3 YouTube videos to perfect, but voila! Pretty good huh?"  
"Why? Why are you doing this?"  
"It's my boy's birthday,"  
"Yes I am aware." He sighed bitterly.  
"Do you think we should sing to him? Yeah, aw he'll love that, we could get all the nurses in and-" she babbled excitedly but was interrupted as the door opened and Tyler's lead doctor entered.

"Good morning,"  
"Hi Doc," Jenna welcomed him warmly, "Want a cupcake?"  
"Oh I heard from Katie about these, sound delicious, I think I'll take one a bit later if that's alright,"  
"Of course,"

"So how's our birthday boy doing this morning?" He asked, walking over to Tyler's bedside carrying a clipboard.  
"Isn't that your job? Not ours?" Josh remarked sourly.  
"Indeed it is," he laughed deeply, but Josh wanted to rip his face off. Instead he bit the remains of his nail and watched as the older man checked several monitors surrounding the head end of Tyler's bed.

"Alright we're looking good here," he concluded.  
"What exactly does that mean?!" Josh snapped, his skin crawling with resent as the doctor helped himself to a cupcake.  
"Yeah everything is within normal parameters, he's remaining very consistent across the board."  
"How the fuck is that good then?! Fucking make him better, don't shove your mouth full with cupcakes and accept comatose as good enough,"  
"Josh," Jenna warned him.  
"No, this has to be some sort of joke - am I the only person in this fucking hospital who even wants him to wake up?!"  
"Josh, my office now,"  
"I'm not 14 years old, piss off,"  
"If you want to have this conversation then I highly recommend you follow me to my office, otherwise I have the rest of my ward round to complete." Dr Hansen told him in a matter of fact way, convincing Josh to begrudgingly stand on his shaky feet and trudge after him.

  
"Josh, I must have mentioned this to you before but I'll repeat anyway, if you have any concerns you wish to raise then please feel free to find me and we can discuss them rationally. This is hard, today especially, but we can't have Jenna under anymore stress than she already is because it's bad for the baby. Please, I ask you come to me privately rather than in front of her,"  
"Totally fucking forgot that this whole thing revolved around her,"  
"She's pregnant Josh, at least try to fake a little empathy," the doctor smiled. Fucking smiles.  
"It's that baby's fault Tyler's fucking comatose,"  
"It's nobody's fault, but I'm glad you're not blaming yourself anymore."  
"Fuck you," Josh spat back.

"Josh," the doctor sighed, "Do you have any questions?"  
"Well for a starters why are you sat here trying to give me some sort of therapy when my best mate has been comatose for 5 weeks tomorrow?"  
"As we've discussed, the best treatment plan is observing him and taking his vitals' variations into account when thinking long term."  
"Bullshit."  
"There's very little that will be beneficial for him beyond that,"

"Shunt, he's got increased intercranial pressure so insert a shunt to drain fluid," Josh recited blankly.  
"The problem with Google searches Josh are that they can't take into account individual cases. In Tyler's case, the increased pressure wouldn't be significantly decreased with a shunt and the risk of infection is far too high."  
"Take risks! Jesus Christ take risks! I'm sick and tired of watching him being kept alive as a vegetable."  
"Here on the ICU our patients are not 'vegetables', they're sick people in need of extra assistance. Sometimes surgical options are available but often we just need to be patient whilst the body repairs itself."

"I'd rather he fucking bled out on the operating table than sit there and watch that for the next 60 years,"  
"You know who wouldn't prefer him dead? Jenna, who would be made a widow aged 23, and their son or daughter who will never get to meet their daddy."  
"Stop mentioning that thing," Josh growled.  
"It's a baby Josh, I know you need somewhere to direct your anger but an unborn child is not the right target." Dr Hansen told him.  
"I don't care, this is its fault." He snapped, standing up and walking out.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
Day 40 started the same as any other. Josh rubbing his cramped neck as he repositioned on the plastic chair. Ignoring the nurses as they said good morning and washed Tyler with damp cloths. Turning down Jenna's offer of a hot drink.

The mechanical breaths were the same. The mechanical buzzes of the lights were the same. The mechanical beeps were the same. The only thing different was Jenna.

She sat down and opened a book, but didn't begin to read it aloud. Instead she stared at Tyler with wide eyes for a minute before shutting it again, watching with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Jen," Josh said, voice cracking, "Let me do it today," he continued, prising the book from between her fingers. He glanced at the cover before opening it on the first page and clearing his throat.

"Tyler, it's uh, it's Josh. Jenna's chosen the book for today, it's called Lolita. If you have any questions then feel free to ask and she'll answer." He began, feeling horrifically uncomfortable but indescribably obliged to take Jenna's place. With another sigh, he began reading. "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta."

 

  
Josh read 11 chapters before excusing himself for a smoke. Despite it being a week into December, he didn't bother with a coat. The cold snow falling on his face contrasting, conflicting, with the hot smoke filling his lungs was the closest he came to actually feeling anything at all.

There was a nurse, not from Tyler's ward, not Tyler's nurse, but a nurse who stood with Josh in the morning. It was an unspoken relationship, not so much as an introduction, but they always stood outside the ambulance loading bay at 11 o clock and smoked. She smoked 1. He smoked a pack.

On day 40 the black middle aged woman arrived first, her cigarette half gone as Josh unwrapped the new pack he had shoved in his pocket.

He turned the closed box upside down, rapped it 6 times, turned it back. Tradition. Routine. Ritual. Whatever, but he always did it. Just like he always took the first cigarette and turned it upside down before putting it back in. That would be the last one he smoked. The first, next first, was removed using his teeth and immediately lit with the spark of the woman's green lighter.

He rolled his head back and allowed the smoke to fill his mouth before breathing it into his lungs. Even the first drag of the first cigarette didn't give him a buzz anymore.

He lazily let the smoke wander out from between his lips before finally forcing the last remains into a horizontal stream. The nurse stubbed her's out and gave him a nod before heading back inside, and Josh lifted his cigarette in a weird goodbye dismissal.

With the glowing tobacco clutched between his lips, he used both his raw chewed hands to clear the snow from a low wall behind him, then sat on it.

Barely a minute passed alone before Jenna appeared beside him.

"Hey," she said softly, clearing her own space.  
"Hi."  
"Thanks for upstairs,"  
"S'nothing,"  
"He loves that book."  
"Never mentioned it." Josh replied, before softening the blow by adding, "But uh, seems like him, I mean it was deep and made no sense,"

Jenna breathed out a short laugh, accompanied with a smile that stayed fixed to her face whilst her nose crinkled and tears swelled.

"Do you think I should buy him children's books? Read him something simple? Something easy he'll be able to understand if uh, if he's, you know, if, if he can't uh,"  
"If he has impaired cognitive function," Josh finished for her, and she nodded tearfully. "Buy kids books for the kid, carry on with the classical shit for Ty. Either he'll understand it or he won't, but I don't think I can take 8 hours of Thomas the bloody tank engine everyday." He said light heartedly. Josh didn't do lighthearted. Or at least he didn't anymore.

"Does, does it help?" Jenna asked, picking up his box of cigarettes and pulling one out, letting it roll between her fingers, glide across her knuckles, slip between her nails.  
"No not at all." Josh answered honestly, watching as she examined it.  
"Could I maybe try one?" She sniffed.  
"No," he told her, "In fact I don't even think you should be sat here whilst I've got one going. Second hand smoke for the baby and all."  
"Since when did you give a damn about her?" The blonde asked, running a hand across her slowly showing belly.  
"I don't, but uh, but Ty would kill me."  
"True," she nodded, putting the cigarette down and wiping her face.

"Her? She's a girl?"  
"Maybe, I think so,"

"We're going to go and read Daddy the rest of Lolita, do you want to come listen?" She said, sliding off the wall.  
"Nah, still got 19 to go." Josh replied, putting her play cig back in the box.  
"Okay, but Josh?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I think you're doing better today, well done."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Of course taking one step forward on day 40 meant Josh took two steps back on day 41.

His pathetic excuse of a night's sleep turned out to actually be a 2 hour loop of Tyler's incident. Incident. Not accident. Accident implied there was no one to blame.

He saw it, then he saw it again, and then he saw it again. Tyler stepped off, no he jumped, no he failed to fly.

"Morning Josh, want a coffee?" Jenna said as she arrived.  
"No,"  
"You wanna read to him whilst I buy my tea?" She asked, holding out a new book.  
"Waste of time," he snarled into his palm.  
"Oh, okay, well I'll be 5 minutes."  
"You were gone 8 hours, what difference does 5 minutes make?!"  
"Alright J," she sighed, putting the book down on the table and leaving the room.

Josh glanced at the book briefly before rolling his eyes, not in the fucking mood for a rendition of The Scarlett fucking Letter. Tyler loved that crap, words that made him think, but it was completely pointless now that Tyler was completely useless. Because honestly, what's the use of a body that can't even breathe?

Josh bit at the side of his thumb until metallic liquid coated his tongue, then switched to pulling at his hair with his other hand, legs bouncing restlessly.

He watched Tyler's body be inflated then deflated then inflated then deflated, like some sick balloon. Josh desperately wanted to cut the balloon's string and let him fly away. That or stab him.

"I'm back, morning Ty, did you sleep well baby?" Jenna said as she walked back in carrying a paper cup full of tea. She put it down on the table next to her husband, then lent down and kissed him on the forehead. Josh watched with a grimace as she began smoothing his hair down then caressing his cheek with her thumb, having to avoid knocking the ventilator sticking out his throat with her forearm.

"Oh Josh, I got you a little present to say thank you for reading to my man yesterday." She told him, walking round the bed and reaching into her back pocket, then holding out a pack of cigarettes.

Josh looked down at the extended box. Menthols. Fucking Menthols.

"Are you fucking stupid or something?!" Josh yelled, snatching them from her hand whilst standing up confrontationally.  
"I'm sorry," she cowered.  
"Can you do anything?! I mean it's not fucking hard! How fucking dumb do you have to be to fuck up buying cigarettes?!" He shouted, taking a step closer to her.  
"I'm sorry,"  
"You can't do anything right!" He screamed in her face, throwing the cigarettes at the wall behind her, making her jump and burst into tears.

"You can't even keep your own fucking husband safe! Jesus Christ you knew this was going to happen! You fucking knew! And what did you do to stop it?! Fucking nothing! Waste of fucking space!" He yelled, spitting in her face at the cusp of each word, her having to stumble backwards as he stepped closer and closer until she was backed against the wall, sobbing terrified.

"Josh, get out." Dr Hansen entered the room and jogged over, pushing his way in between them and turning Josh away with two hands on his shoulders.  
"Don't fucking touch me," he spat bitterly as he shook the doctor's grip off and Jenna slid to floor.  
Two nurses walked in, one going to Jenna's aid and the other standing beside Dr Hansen to form a barrier between Josh and the pregnant woman.

"Do you need security?" She asked.  
"Josh do we need security or are you going to leave the building of your own free will?" The doctor asked Josh calmly as he paced fuming.  
"Shut the fuck up, everyone shut the fuck up!" He screamed at the room. The nurse knew the answer to her question and rushed out.

"Josh, listen to me, you have to leave. Let's go." Dr Hansen said and tried to usher him towards the door, but Josh lashed out and shoved the older man away from him aggressively. He staggered back a step, but remained as a guard to Jenna hyperventilating on the floor.

The other nurse rejoined them in the room, also protecting the two women on the floor.  
"On their way," she nodded to the doctor.  
"Mr Dun, you're going to be escorted off the premises and will not be allowed to return until we deem it to be safe." Dr Hansen said matter of fact, then 3 beefy security guards entered the small hospital room and dragged Josh out kicking and swearing.

 

  
"Josh sweetheart, are you ready to talk about it yet?" His mom asked him, sitting down next to him on his couch.  
"Fuck off,"  
"I've heard Dr Hansen's interpretation of the events over the phone, and Jenna texted me to say she doesn't feel safe with you visiting anymore. What happened baby? Why did you scare her?"  
"If you call me baby one more time then I am actually going to slap you." He growled quietly.  
"You most certainly will not Joshua. You may be 28 years old but I will still send you to your room if you think that's an appropriate way to talk to your mother."  
"Bite me."

"Josh I know you darling, I know what you're like. When you are scared you get angry, and when you're angry you bottle it up until you lash out. I take it that's what happened today?"

"You gonna give me my keys back?" Josh retorted.  
"No J, because you're in no fit state to drive. I mean not only are you emotional, but you've also barely eaten or drunk or slept in the past month and a half - I'm surprised you've haven't passed out yet. Plus where are you gonna go?"  
"Hospital."  
"You're not allowed in the hospital for the next 48 hours at least sweetheart,"  
"What they gonna do." He murmured intimidatingly.  
"They're gonna call the police J, and you're going to get arrested." She told him, and suddenly he sobered up to the reality that he wasn't going to be able to see Tyler for 2 days. It had been, well, he couldn't remember how long, but at least 6 months since they had gone a day without seeing each other. And now he had fucked everything up. Again. As per usual. Fuck up after fuck up after fuck up.

"Oh Josh, sweetheart," Laura cuddled up against him as he broke down into sobs.

"It's, not, fair,"  
"I know J, he's your best friend, it's not fair at all," she supported him whilst rubbing his shoulder.  
"I tried, to stop, him,"  
"I know baby, we all know,"  
"I tried Mom, I tried," he broke down.  
"Shhh, Josh, it's not your fault okay, this is not your fault,"  
"He was right there, I should've grabbed him, should've stopped him,"  
"Baby you can't torture yourself like this,"  
"And it's not fair, because, he's just my best friend,"  
"What to you mean J? It's okay,"  
"Jenna, he's her, husband, he's the, the, father of her child. I'm just, I'm just a friend. I've got nothing," Josh sobbed.  
"Josh, darling listen to me, best friend still means a lot. Everyone understands this is just as hard for you as it is for her,"  
"I've got nothing, and I, I miss him Mom,"

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh hadn't cried since 'The Incident', so once the flood doors opened there was no stopping them. Day 42 consisted of tears. Silent ones, sobbing ones, screaming ones.

Also, the reappearance of an old friend. Panic attacks.

He hadn't suffered any since high school, but the combination of paranoid concern and the knowledge that he was not allowed to contact Jenna or the hospital meant he was dissolved to a hyperventilating wreck on multiple occasions.

Laura held him tight and whispered comforting words, but told Josh that it was good he was finally letting himself deal with all the emotions he'd been holding in. As if it were his choice.

Well Josh could tell you that if it were up to him, there's not a cat's chance in Hell that he would have chosen to spend his day crying on the bathroom floor opposed to sitting with his best friend. Tyler needed him. He needed Tyler.

He tried to tell his mom that, begged her to take him to the hospital, but she insisted that he actually needed a shower and a meal and a rest.

It took Josh holding a knife to his own abdomen along with the threat of stabbing himself so that he'd be taken to the hospital for Josh to realise that he was a mess. He'd gone too far. He was a mess.

Laura helped him into the shower, sat him down in the bath and washed his hair with the shower head. She commented how he needed to get it cut, needed the sides shaved, needed the roots doing, needed the colour refreshing. Josh just let her massage the shampoo into his head and swayed like a rag doll, silent tears blending in with the warm water.

After she helped him into clean clothes and towel-dried his hair, she shaved his stubble then sat him down on the couch in the living room again.

"Josh sweetheart, are you safe for me to go and get blankets and food or do you need me to stay with you?"  
"I'm safe," he whispered hoarsely, and she rubbed his shoulder and kissed him on the top of his head then left the room.

Josh was exhausted, his eyes were half open as he stared blankly at the black screen of his TV. He was all cried out. His eyes flicked down in their tear-swollen sockets and glanced at his hands, which were exposed from his hoodie. The bones protruded more than ever, and they shook too. The bottom half of every finger was chewed pink or bloody, and his nails were so small they bled too. Tar and nicotine stained the inner sides of two fingers, and he began to wonder how soon until his remaining nails would turn yellow.

He blinked away his watery eyes as he heard his mother's footsteps.

"Sweetheart, lift up your arms a little," she told him, then wrapped his comforter around him, tucking it comfortably. His hands rested back down in his lap, then a bowl of cereal was placed in them and 4 bottles of water put to the side. The spoon slid until it rested against this thumb, but Josh didn't pick it up.

Laura walked over to his DVD player and inserted Fight Club, then sat down on the couch next to him.

"I'm not going to make you eat a lot, but I do need you to eat that bowl at least. Then with all your tears and you not drinking enough anyway, you're bound to be dehydrated so all that water too please." She told him and he just nodded.

"Once the movie gets going, do you want me to pop to the chemist and get you some of those non prescription anxiety meds you used to take? Or I can look for something to help you sleep?"  
"It's fine, but uh, thank you," Josh whispered.  
"Okay sweetheart, but if you change your mind then let me know."  
"Thank you,"

"Josh darling, are you going to be okay watching this?" Laura asked a moment later as the character of Tyler Durden was introduced.  
"Yeh,"  
"Sure? They say Tyler a lot, I don't want you getting worked up again. I can change it to something else,"  
"It's, uh, it's my favourite, I'll be fine Mom,"  
"Alright handsome, but again let me know," she told him and he nodded again. "Eat your cereal," she prompted him, and he slowly did.

 

Josh wasn't effected by the repetition of the word Tyler, because he fell asleep just moments after he finished his cereal. Laura stood up and moved the milky bowl so he wouldn't spill it, then repositioned the blanket fondly and turned both the lights and the film off.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

By the time Josh woke up from his 14 hour sleep, his hospital ban was over. Despite his urge to be at Tyler's bedside as soon as possible, he knew he had to start slowing himself down. Start taking back control. He couldn't control what was going on with Tyler, but he could at least dictate his own actions.

At his request, Laura drove him to the building that had served as both his home and his downfall for the past 6 weeks, but not before he forced himself to eat breakfast.

Laura walked alongside him as he lead the way down the overfamiliar corridors until they reached ICU room number 4.

"Please can you ask Jenna to come out here?" Josh asked his mother nervously.  
"Don't you want to go in sweetheart?"  
"I do, but uh, she might not want me to."  
"Yeah okay, best to be polite, I'll get her,"  
"Oh and Mom, will you offer to stay and read to Tyler whilst she's talking to me?"  
"Read to him?"  
"Yeah, she'll have a book on the go, she'd like it if you did." Josh explained.  
"Okay darling, give me a minute." Laura said, putting a hand on the back of his neck and kissing him on the forehead, then entering Tyler's room.

Josh breathed out a sigh, then sat down on the bench in the corridor, leaning back against the wall. As his legs bounced and he prepared himself for the profuse apology he was about to make, Dr Hansen walked past.

"Ah, Mr Dun, you're back," he said, stopping and standing opposite him.  
"Yes, and I am so sorry about what happened and about how I've been the last couple of weeks, I just, urgh, all over the place."  
"I'm the clinical lead of an intensive care unit, trust me when I say you're not the first angry loved one I've dealt with."  
"I'm so sorry,"  
"You on your best behaviour now?"  
"Absolutely," Josh nodded.  
"Good. Listen, I've got to go see another patient but then I want to talk to you and Jenna about something,"  
"Is everything okay?" He panicked.  
"You'll be happy, we have a plan Josh," the doctor smiled as he walked away. Josh didn't know whether to smile or cry, so instead focused on trying to regulate his breathing as he waited for Jenna.

  
"Josh, please stand." Jenna said formally but quietly as she came out of the room and shut the door behind her. Josh obeyed immediately.  
"Jenna, I am so sorry-" he began, but she raised her hand and stopped him.  
"I, uh, I might lose my husband, Josh," she said slowly, tears falling as she looked anywhere but in his eyes. "And because, because of you I, I, I could have lost my child too," she continued, breathing out through tight lips whilst stroking her small bump and ignoring the tears dripping from her face. "We, w-we could have lost our baby,"  
"I know I can never apologise enough-"  
"No, no you can't Josh." Jenna interrupted him again. "And you will never pull a stunt like that again."  
"Never,"  
"Because I will press charges."  
"I understand." He nodded, watching as she bit her lip and looked up to the ceiling.

"Is the baby okay?" Josh asked cautiously.  
"I have to take medication Josh," she cried. Josh didn't know what to do or say, but Jenna took a step forwards and Josh pulled her into a hug.

"It's okay, she's going to be okay, the meds will make sure of it."  
"For my blood pressure, they say I'm too stressed, well what do they expect?!" She sobbed.  
"I'm so sorry Jenna, it's okay, come on it's okay. I'm going to be a better friend to all three of you now, I promise I'm going to stop adding to the stress and start helping,"

"You're going to leave as soon as I tell you,"  
"Okay,"  
"And you're never allowed to be in there without me."  
"Okay,"  
"No sleeping overnight anymore,"  
"I won't,"  
"If I tell you to do something then you have to do it,"  
"I will,"  
"And you have to start taking some responsibility for looking after yourself, I've already got myself and Ty and the baby, I can't look after you as well, I can't."  
"Of course you can't, I'm sorry,"  
"Okay come on, come on, come in," she said, releasing the hug and holding his hand, pulling him into Tyler's room.

As they entered, Josh saw his mom reading Wuthering Heights to Tyler. She stopped at their arrival and smiled at them holding hands, but Josh simply nodded to her once.

"Say good morning," Jenna instructed.  
"Morning Tyler, it's Josh," he said to his unconscious friend.  
"Every morning and evening, hello and goodbye. Minimum." Jenna said, and he nodded. "Sit down,"  
"Sit next to me darling," Laura told him, picking up her jacket to clear a seat. He sat in it and she patted his arm fondly as Jenna crouched down to her bag on the floor a rummaged around before finding what she wanted.

She held out a box of nicotine patches, and Josh took them off her solemnly.

"Tyler is going to get better and he is going to wake up soon, so you need to start cutting down and stop smoking soon too. You know he hates it. I hate it. So you need to quit, and you need to be off them by the time he wakes up, understand?"  
"Okay,"

 

  
As Josh and Jenna waited for Dr Hansen to finish talking to another patient, they sat in his office holding hands.

"Whatever he says, we can deal with it," Josh told her in a deep voice.  
"Yeh," she nodded but didn't seem convinced, tears rolling down her cheeks once again.  
"You said you could tell he was enjoying The Scarlett Letter yesterday, and remember what the doc told me, they've got a plan; it's going to be good news I promise," he continued to comfort the clearly terrified woman.  
"It's going to be good news," she whispered, as if she was trying to convince herself.

"Hello, sorry to keep you both waiting," Dr Hansen apologised as he entered the room, a large file of notes tucked under his arm which he placed on the desk before shaking both of their hands.  
"Not a problem," Josh replied.

"Now Tyler Tyler Tyler, what are we gonna do about Tyler," he muttered under his breath whilst flicking through the file. "Ah yes, so he's had a GCS of 3 for 6 weeks now,"  
"6 weeks 1 day," Josh couldn't resist correcting.  
"Yes, and 1 day, and I take it you've both familiarised yourself with GCS? Glasgow Coma Scale? It's the way we measure consciousness, and right now Tyler has the lowest score."  
"Right," Josh said whilst squeezing Jenna's hand.

"If he were to move up, that would be because either he opened his eyes in response to pain, he made a sound, or he's decerebate which means he holds his body in an abnormal position, for example pointing his toes or arching his back."  
"And do you think he's going to do one of those soon?" Jenna asked, wiping her face.  
"It's hard to tell, near impossible to predict I'm afraid. However, I do at least have some good news, hence why I asked you here,"

"Good news," Josh whispered to Jenna, her nails digging into his hand.  
"Indeed," Dr Hansen agreed whilst getting out a spreadsheet of paper covered in numbers and putting it on the desk for them to see.

"Okay you see this column here? This is his ICP, intercranial pressure, so it's how much pressure is inside his skull and therefore in his brain and cerebrospinal fluid." He explained, running the tip of his pen along a row of numbers that still meant nothing to Josh.  
"Okay,"  
"It's measured in mmHg, millimetres of mercury, and your average healthy adult will be between 0 and 10, and over 20 is seen as abnormal. 40 is the point where everyone would suffer some sort of neurological dysfunction, for example impairment of consciousness, problems breathing, pupil dilation etcetera. Then 60 is widely considered as fatal."  
"Right," Josh said, beginning to understand what he was reading.

The doctor moved his pen to point out the extremely high numbers from Tyler's first three days unconscious.  
"If you look here, he's fluctuating around the 55 56 mark, which was very worrying. That was back before the surgery when he was having seizures, but thankfully the surgery successfully lowered his ICP to 49, see here?"  
"Yeah," Jenna whispered.  
"Since the brain has had time to calm down effectively, had time to relax after being jabbed and prodded in surgery, some of the swelling has gone down and it became less aggravated and that means we're down to 42 43," he said, pointing out to them yet another figure.  
"Right,"

"Now at this point I have to bring up the disclaimer that any sustained ICP values above 40 are considered severe and life threatening,"  
"But 42 is better than 56," Jenna concluded for him.  
"Precisely," the doctor smiled.

"So what does that mean for Ty?" She asked, sniffing.  
"Exciting stuff. If you look back to week 3 he was mostly 44 with the odd 43, then week 4 was spilt fairly evenly between 43 and 42, and week 5 was mostly 42 with the occasional 43. We were hoping that for week 6 and 7 he would continue this trend of slipping down until he went sub 40, but he's being quite stubborn and sticking at 42 43,"  
"Stubborn, sounds like Tyler," Josh joked quietly, and Jenna laughed once through the tears.

"I'll have to take your word for it," Dr Hansen smiled. "So we were going to wait until he was averaging 39 before moving forwards, but he seems fairly settled and stable at 42, therefore we've decided to go full steam ahead and trial him on ventilation weaning,"  
"He's coming off the ventilator," Jenna gasped, covering her face with once hand as she sobbed with a smile. Josh felt himself tear up as he grinned. He'd always hated that damn machine.

"Jenna I need you to keep your expectations realistic okay, his ICP is very high and we still don't know the true extent of the damage he did to his brain when he jumped in the first place. There's a very real chance that this could fail and we will have to try again at a later date."  
"I know I know, please, just explain how it's going to work?"  
"Of course. We'll start out doing SBTs, spontaneous breathing trials, 2 to 4 times a day depending on how well he responds to them. It involves basically testing to see whether he can breathe independently for a short period of time. We'll begin with 5 minutes and work up to 15."

"So you just switch the machine off and see if he breathes?" Josh asked doubtfully.  
"Yes the machine will be off, but there will be a whole team of specialist nurses on hand who will monitor his blood pressure, respiratory rate, pulse, and ECG for signs of trouble. If they see him struggling then it will only take a couple of seconds to restart the vent."  
"Okay, that's okay, we trust you," Jenna nodded.

"If he's able to support his own breathing for 15 minutes 4 times a day for 3 consecutive days then we'll remove the mechanical ventilator,"  
"It's coming out?" Jenna smiled tearfully.  
"We'll keep the collar in, that's the little circle entrance of the internal tube, but it'll be closed. Then overnight we'll reattach the ventilator so he doesn't get too fatigued."  
"And during the day he's just free to breathe for himself?" Josh asked.  
"Almost, there's an intermediate step where we'll use a pressure support ventilator. That's gonna go through his mouth rather than his trachea, and it works basically by Tyler initiating a breath and the ventilator extending it. So once Tyler starts to breathe in by himself, the pressure kicks in and fills his lungs for him, then he'll exhale it. That way he gets practice using those muscles again, but he'll be able to build up his endurance rather than getting too fatigued."  
"Yeah,"  
"And I'm sure you both know how weaning works; we'll decrease the amount of time he uses the ventilators for until he's breathing independently."  
"Okay,"  
"So you're happy for us to start that tomorrow?"  
"Absolutely," Jenna nodded.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh arrived back at the hospital on day 44 at 9.25am, and Jenna was already in Tyler's room with a cup of tea and Wuthering Heights opened where they had finished it the night before. Usually she managed a whole novel a day, but after their meeting with Dr Hansen she spent a lot of time on the phone to her parents and to his.

Jenna seemed to be coping okay with the idea of the first spontaneous breathing trial looming, but Josh was on edge. He had done what his mother had instructed and eaten a full breakfast and just about managed 4 hours sleep, but still his breath caught in his throat as he entered the room.

"He shall never know I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made out of, his and mine are the same." Jenna read before looking up at Josh.  
"Hey,"  
"Hey, sorry, I already went on a tea and coffee run," she apologised.  
"Not a problem, you reading Wuthering Heights still?"  
"Yeah," she nodded, "he uh, he loves that bit."  
"The souls bit?"  
"Yeah, before he started getting sick again he used to say it about us, how I make him feel more like himself than anything else and that we were cut from the same cloth. Our souls the same." The pregnant woman recalled sadly.

"He loves you even when he's bad, you know that right?"  
"Yeh, I know, it's just,"  
"Just what?" Josh asked.  
"It feels nice to hear him say it you know, like not many guys will quote Wuthering Heights and give a 10 minute analogy of how much they love you just because you passed them their shirt. That's just what makes my Tyler my Tyler,"  
"Yeah,"  
"And before it happened, he was getting really fixated on souls and it's just upsetting to see him upset."  
"Course," Josh nodded understandingly.  
"Like he wouldn't sleep in the same room as me, he kept saying how his soul was too dirty, it was too dirty and heavy and he had to stay away to protect me."  
"See even when he's sick he cares about you, he wanted to protect you,"  
"Yeah,"  
"He'll wake up soon and shower you in love I'm sure," Josh smiled supportively.  
"Yeah," she seemed slightly unconvinced.  
"What happens next in the book then?"

 

  
"Do you two want to stay in here for this?" Dr Hansen asked quietly, sitting next to them on the seats as 4 other members of staff talked and set up equipment around Tyler.  
"Yes," Jenna immediately nodded.  
"Okay, any questions for me?" The older man asked.  
"5 minutes yeah?" Josh said.  
"5 minutes." He nodded.  
"Come on Ty, you can do 5 minutes," he murmured whilst looking at his unconscious friend.

"Doc, we're ready when you are." One of the male junior doctors said.  
"Alrighty," Dr Hansen replied, drumming his hands on his thighs then standing up. "Okay Tyler, let's see what you can do." He continued, nodding to a nurse.  
"Mechanical vent off," she told him as she pressed a few buttons, and another nurse began a stopwatch. Jenna grabbed Josh's hand tightly, knuckles white, and they both held their breath until Tyler wheezed his first.

"Thank you God," Jenna burst into tears, and Josh wrapped an arm around her shoulders whilst watching Tyler breathe through blurred vision.

"Oxygen sats?" Dr Hansen asked.  
"90%," a nurse replied.  
"Good, good Tyler," he hummed, nodding slowly.  
"Well done baby," Jenna called out to him tearfully.  
"Yeah good job mate," Josh added as he wheezed sporadically.  
"30 seconds," another nurse read from her stopwatch.

"Sats at 84%,"  
"Okay watch that," the doctor instructed her. "James what's his partial pressure of oxygen in arterial blood?"  
"53,"  
"Hmm,"  
"Is something wrong?" Jenna began to panic.  
"We're okay for now, just need to watch he doesn't dip," he murmured whilst watching the monitors.  
"Sats dropping, 78%,"  
"Partial pressure down to 51,"  
"Heart rate 141 and climbing, 158, 170, 187, 192,"  
"Okay I'm calling time, put him back on the ventilator," Dr Hansen decided, and the nurse restarted that overfamiliar pump and Jenna sobbed harder.

"Back down to 150,"  
"Sats are still low,"  
"Heart rate 110, 100, 70,"  
"Good," Dr Hansen nodded, "Sats?"  
"Staying at 80%,"  
"Increase the oxygen percentage," he told the nurse, who pressed a few buttons.

"Back up to 97%," she said a moment later.  
"Okay good, back to baselines. Can I get a total time off vent?"  
"He was off 52 seconds,"  
"52 seconds, okay thank you everyone." Dr Hansen said and the nurses all left the room, leaving Jenna sobbing against Josh's chest whilst the doctor wrote rough notes.

"Jen come on, shhh, shh come on, calm down, it's bad for the baby," Josh murmured to the crying woman.  
"He, can't, breathe," she broke down in hysterics.  
"Jenna," the doctor began, crouching down in front of both of them, "He can breathe, he breathed for 30 35 seconds independently with no issues, and still managed another 20 on top of that. He can breathe. He just needs a rest now, okay? He's tired, hasn't used those muscles in a while, but he did fairly well."  
"Jo-sh,"  
"It's okay Jen, come on, he's okay, he's going to be okay isn't he Doc," Josh comforted her.  
"He's not," she answered for him, "he's not,"  
"We'll give him some more time and then we'll try again," Dr Hansen told them.  
"Why? Why bother? You said, y-yesterday that his ICP is staying the same, he's staying the same and he's not going to get better," the pregnant woman sobbed desperately.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh stayed at Jenna and Tyler's house after his failed breathing trial, not wanting to be alone but more importantly not wanting Jenna to be alone.

He had presumed he would sleep in the guest room, but upon arrival it quickly became apparent that Jenna had been using it. She said that it was too hard to sleep in Tyler's bed without him, and Josh understood straight away. He made sure she fell asleep, then settled down on the couch.

 

"Josh," Jenna tapped him on the shoulder, waking him up on day 45, "Josh, you up?"  
"Morning," he groaned, rubbing his eyes and stretching. "You alright?"  
"Yeah, how long do you need till we can go?"  
"In a rush? Sit down and I'll make you some breakfast," Josh offered, sitting up on the couch slowly.  
"We can grab something from the store on the way, come on, I wanna go. Tyler's gonna wake up today, I can just sense it." She beamed. Josh smiled at her, glad to see that she had somehow pulled herself back together after her breakdown the night before.  
"You're his wife and his whole world, he's not gonna do it without you. He'll wait. Let me make you and your littleone something to eat." Josh insisted.

 

  
"Morning Ty," Josh said as he walked into room number 4, holding the door open for Jenna.  
"Hey baby," she smiled, walking over to his bedside and kissing his forehead then perching on the edge of the mattress. "Did you miss me? I missed you lots and lots. We're a bit late because Josh made himself and the baby and me waffles for breakfast."  
"I offered to make my legendary berry compote with lemon mint syrup, but she wanted chocolate." Josh told him as he sat on a chair.  
"You know me babe, I'm a chocolate obsessed toddler when it comes to food."  
"Need you to wake up Ty, then I'll have someone with a sophisticated palate to cook for," Josh told him playfully.  
"Once our baby comes I'm just going to be eating lots of apple purée with her little baby spoon, you're gonna find me sat in her nursery in the evening, elbows deep in a jar of baby food." Jenna smiled, rubbing his arm fondly.

"When do pregnancy cravings start?" Josh asked Jenna.  
"Should start any day," she replied, stroking her 14 week bump. She then picked up Tyler's limp hand and turned it before placing it against their child, holding it softly with both of hers.

"She's 3 and half months now Ty, second trimester." She told him quietly, looking at him. "And I've got my dating scan tomorrow, so we're finally going to get a due date. We don't know the gender till the next scan, but she's a little girl, I can just tell. Can you feel her darling? She's in there, our daughter,"

Josh watched the couple with a small smile, feeling a little choked up but also proud of her for being so strong.

"I'll get you a copy I promise, yeah, get you a scan and we'll stick it up with all your get well soon cards so she's near your head. And she might start kicking in the next couple of weeks, so we can sit like this and you can feel her,"  
"That'll be nice for you Ty,"  
"Yeah," Jenna agreed. "But babe listen okay, once we get a due date, that's a target date for you too, yeah? 5 months, I need you home and I need you better. I know you Ty, I know you can do this. The doctors are going to come in soon and they're going to let you breathe by yourself again for a couple of minutes. Yesterday was 30 seconds perfectly and I am so-" she stopped to lift his hand from her belly and kiss it, "so proud of you baby, but let's see if we can beat that today,"  
"Remember what you told me Tyler? If you're not competing then why did you get up this morning? Show us some of that competitive spirit, beat your personal record." Josh smiled.  
"Your little girl is going to be watching you sweetie, make her proud," Jenna told him, then began playing with his hair affectionately.

 

  
"Jenna you can hold his hand, but make sure you don't block Casey's view of that monitor," Dr Hansen said as everyone prepared for Tyler's second breathing trial. Jenna stood at his bedside, one hand holding Josh's and the other Tyler's, and 3 nurses plus Dr Hansen stood ready to observe and intervene.

"So that you understand what's happening guys, the higher the oxygen saturation percentage the better, that's the blue number; then the closer the heart rate to 65 the better, that's the red number,"  
"Thank you,"

Josh mouthed a silent prayer under his breath as the nurse switched the ventilator off whilst another began the stop watch.

"Oxygen sats and heart rate every 15 seconds please," Dr Hansen requested.  
"That's it baby," Jenna whispered as he took his first wheezy gasp, gripping incredibly tightly on Josh's hand.  
"96% and 64," a nurse announced, then shortly after, "95% and 64,"  
"Great going Tyler," Josh told him as he remembered that was when it had all gone wrong the day before, and hoped it wouldn't again. A rush of relief ran through him as the nurse called out the 45 seconds measurements.  
"95% and 68,"  
"We love you baby," his wife told him, and Josh watched as she pressed Tyler's hand against her bump again.  
"94% and 71,"  
"That's one minute Dr," another nurse informed him.  
"Absolutely smashing it Ty," Josh grinned.

"89% and 77,"  
"That's a big change, is he okay?" Jenna panicked.  
"It's way within normal parameters for a healthy adult." Dr Hansen calmed her down.  
"89% and 78,"  
"Come on Ty," she whispered.  
"92% and 80,"  
"Oh wow, he's increased his own oxygen saturation, that's incredible," the doctor seemed genuinely impressed, and Jenna turned to grin at Josh with tears filling her eyes.

"92% and 85,"  
"That's two minutes,"  
"91% and 85," then, "90% and 86,"  
"You're half way done Tyler," Dr Hansen informed him.  
"83% and 90,"  
"That was a big dip," Jenna panicked again.  
"Let's watch that please, if he goes sub 75 oxygen sats then I'm restarting ventilation," the older man announced to his team.  
"83% and 91,"  
"3 minutes,"  
"Come on baby," Jenna whispered, holding his hand flat against her actual baby.

"85% and 90,"  
"He's listening to you Jen," Josh noted, and she just quietly cried more.  
"86% and 93,"  
"Tyler I love you,"  
"85% and 97,"  
"His heart's racing, must hear the sound of someone he has a huge crush on," Josh smiled, skeptical that Tyler could hear at all but knowing that Jenna needed to think that he could.

"80% and 101,"  
"4 minutes total Hansen," a nurse told the clinical lead.  
"Come on Tyler, go for the home run," Josh willed him on.  
"79% and 119,"  
"Watch that pulse," the doctor said.  
"74% and 129, begin to ventilate?"  
"Hold out a second longer, let's see if he can safely do the whole 5."  
"30 seconds baby, calm down," Jenna supported him.  
"72% and 135,"  
"Hold out," Dr Hansen instructed, Josh's heart pounding.  
"69% and 142,"  
"Ventilate," he nodded, and the switch was flicked back on.

"Congratulations Mr Joseph, you've officially passed your first spontaneous breathing trial." Dr Hansen told his unconscious patient as the pump began to sound again. Jenna wiped away her tears and planted a large kiss on her husband's forehead, then whispered something in his ear that Josh couldn't hear.

She then turned around and pulled Josh into a tight hug and held him for a moment before saying,  
"He can hear us J, he heard us ask him, he did it for us, for the baby. He did it."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh's legs bounced up and down and up and down and up and down. It was not supposed to be like this. Tyler was off the ventilator, he was supposed to be awake, things were supposed to be better. Josh wasn't supposed to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in a hospital with his fucking comatose best friend. Jenna was supposed to hold Tyler's hand, not Josh's, when she had the scan to confirm she was having a girl. Everything was wrong. Everything was supposed to be better, and it wasn't.

Day 70 was the same as day 67, and the same as day 56 and the same as day 61 and the same as every other bloody day since he came off the ventilator. Josh paced and Josh sat and Josh smoked and Tyler did nothing.

When things seemed to be looking up, when Tyler was able to breathe for 5 then 10 then 15 minutes, when everyone was excited as he did his first hour, then his first whole day, then his first night, Josh had tried to quit smoking. He wore those stupid patches, chewed a pack of gum a day, set himself time limits, and sure enough he cut from 40 a day to 15. But now they were back in a rut of nothingness, he was back up to 30. Minimum.

He didn't even have the sound of the pump anymore.

"Ooh Ty, Ty feel baby, can you feel that?" Jenna whispered excitedly, holding her husband's hand against her kicking belly. "Do you feel her sweetheart? She's going be our little soccer star."

Josh watched the couple glumly, wondering when Jenna was finally going to catch on and realise that Tyler wasn't going to get any better. It was clear the staff had given up, and she needed to too. Face reality.

They claimed that they hadn't given up, but Josh wasn't an idiot, he had eyes. He saw how they changed his observations from every 2 hours to every 4 hours. He saw how Tyler's physiotherapist went from visiting 4 times a week to just once. He saw how the nurse didn't bother asking Tyler to squeeze her hand anymore, just wrote that he couldn't.

"Josh, do you want to come feel? She's kicking,"  
"I'm going for a smoke,"  
"Please don't,"  
"Be back later," he told her whilst opening the door.  
"At least say goodbye to him," she said but he walked away, door bouncing behind him.

 

"Diane," Josh began as he breathed in the familiar smoke. The nurse and he had began brief conversations when Josh shared his cigarettes with her whilst trying to quit.  
"Yes sweetheart?"  
"How long will a hospital keep a patient who isn't responding to treatment before they say enough is enough?"  
"There's no set time limit, depends a lot on the case," she answered, taking another drag.

"If they're stable and won't deteriorate then we'll send them home as soon as we can. I mean I don't know what's going on with your friend, but it's been quite a while hasn't it."  
"10 weeks,"  
"And when was their last improvement?"  
"2 weeks 3 days," Josh recalled when Tyler had been taken off the ventilator completely.

"If I were you then I'd talk to their lead doctor about taking them home."  
"They can't come home,"  
"Why not sweetheart?"  
"Their partner won't be able look after them,"  
"Well there's long term hospitals you can look into then, rehabilitation hospitals and nursing homes and hospices,"  
"Hospice, Jesus," Josh whispered under his breath before taking another deep breath from the cig.  
"That's usually for end of life care, have you been told whether your friend's condition is terminal?"  
"It's not,"  
"Talk to their doctor about moving them to a nursing home then I'd say, they'll be able to give you better advice and support than I can,"

  
After Diane went back inside, Josh picked at the scabs on the end of his fingers from all the skin he had chewed off anxiously. Some only stung whereas others bleed, dropping minute splashes of red down onto the white snow.

Josh sighed, fed up, frustrated, and bored. So fucking bored. Everyday was the same, even the books Jenna read were starting to be repeats. And yet Josh still turned up everyday, and he knew he would continue to until, well, who knows? Until something changed.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh listened to Jenna read A Tale of Two Cities, trying to pluck up the courage to bring up moving Tyler to a nursing home. He'd spent the evening researching nearby brain injury care homes, found 2 that were under an hour away and seemed alright. He'd requested brochures for both, but knew he would have to talk to Dr Hansen before taking it any further, and he would have to talk to Jenna before Dr Hansen. He had to talk to Jenna. All he had to do was talk to Jenna. Talk to her.

He practiced what he had to say in his head over and over again. Jenna, Tyler's not making any improvements, I think he would be happier in a more caring and less clinical environment. Yes, make it about Tyler as though he had any sort of emotions or opinions on anything - which of course he didn't. How could he? All he did was lay there.

Nothing was going to change.

"Jenna-" he began, but then something did change. Tyler's whole body began to violently shake and jerk, alarms sounding as he involuntarily bucked and convulsed on the bed.

Jenna ran out of the room crying and returned a moment later with several nurses, and Josh just stood helpless, watching Tyler fit.

"Okay he's having a seizure, Jenna, Josh, out," Dr Hansen said as he joined the busy room. Jenna stayed at Tyler's bedside crying as he jerked erratically, but Josh put a hand on her arm and pulled her out and into the corridor.

She tried to barge her way back in but he stood in the way and she soon collapsed against him, ugly snotty sobs breaking against his shoulder as she cried terrified. Josh glanced briefly through the door window and saw Tyler continuing to seize.

"Jenna, come on, it's okay, change is good, change is what we need, this is good," he told her emptily, having no idea what he truly believed.  
"I'mm s-scared,"  
"He'll stop soon, they're looking after him, shhh, he's okay,"  
"I don't want him to die," she cried.  
"He's not going to die Jenna, he's not, and you know why? Because he's a stubborn so-and-so, yeah? And also because you told him not to. You always tell him: Tyler I need you home with our daughter by the 2nd of June, so you better be better by then. He listens, remember? He listened to you and he's going to do what you told him to, because you're the only person he obeys."  
"Yeh," she whimpered.  
"He's not going anywhere I promise."

"Has he stopped?" She asked quietly between sobs, unable to look. Josh peered across again and briefly caught site of Tyler's flailing arm.  
"Not just yet, but it won't be much longer I promise," he answered and she continued to break down in his arms. 

 

As the pair sat in Dr Hansen's office, Josh could barely concentrate on what the old man was saying as he kept zoning out or getting distracted. Rather than focusing on the news about Tyler's seizure, instead Josh was focused on reading the certificates on the wall behind the doctor. But he metaphorically shook himself and tried to pay attention again.

"-so the fact he had a seizure is just evidence that there are electrical signals being transmitted by his brain. All a seizure is is an abnormal discharge of an electrical signal. If he's having seizures then he must have brain activity which is very promising,"  
"Yeah," Jenna whispered, and Josh guessed it to be an appropriate time to squeeze her hand reassuringly.

"Now, you should prepare yourself for the reality that there is quite a high likelihood of Tyler developing epilepsy as a result of his brain injury,"  
"Even once he wakes up?"  
"It's a life long condition." Dr Hansen nodded. "But don't be discouraged, many people find the right balance of medications and go long periods of time between seizures, years sometimes."  
"Yeah,"  
"And I'll be looking through the details of the seizure in terms of what was picked up on his monitors later today and we'll begin to give him anti seizure meds as soon as possible."  
"Thank you," Josh finally chimed in.

"Are there any questions?"  
"Um, I was uh, I was wondering whether, well, when he had his first seizure you took him into surgery, are you going to do that again?" Jenna asked nervously.  
"Okay so remember what I was telling you the other week about his ICP, the pressure in his head. When he was having seizures last time it was because his ICP was peaking around 56 which was potentially fatal. We took him into surgery to lower the pressure which then stopped the seizures, whereas these seizures are not caused by high pressure. As I'm sure you're aware, brain surgery is very very risky. We performed it last time because it was necessary and his condition was life threatening, but surgery for epilepsy is not vital so I don't feel it a big enough issue to put him through surgery again. If he regains consciousness and later down the road he is having a big problem with epilepsy then we'll revisit surgical options, but because he is quite vulnerable at the moment we won't be performing any operations no."  
"Okay," Jenna sniffed, and Josh looked across to see her crying again.

"I am going to take him for a CT scan later so I can see what's going on inside his head. My main goal is to try and identify what part of the brain caused the seizure-"  
"Surely it's the bit he hit when he landed." Josh interrupted.  
"Not necessarily. Because brain cells can't repair themselves, his brain will have started to rewire itself so that the damaged synapses aren't used anymore. There's a high chance that one of the new links is wrong and causing seizures, so hopefully I'll be able identify that."  
"Okay,"  
"Whilst I'm looking for that, I'll also be able to check up on the damage originally done. Now that the swellings gone down I'll get a clearer look at how extensive it is."  
"Does that mean you'll know what he's going to be like when he wakes up?" Jenna asked quietly.  
"Only very very vaguely, and from what I've heard about him, Tyler doesn't exactly always do what he's told."  
"True," Josh smiled at Jenna, squeezing her hand again.  
"It will only be an approximation of a prognosis, and Tyler could still do what he did with his breathing and take us by surprise."  
"I'm sure he will," Josh lied through a smile.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

On day 72 Jenna asked and was given permission to sit in on a meeting about Tyler with Dr Hansen and a whole army of neurosurgeons and physical therapists and intensive care nurses and everyone else involved in his care, but Josh chose to stay with Tyler. He knew they would be talking in words that he didn't understand and everything they would conclude would simply be speculation as there was no way they could possibly predict the future. So he sat with Ty, and read him the book that Jenna had chosen that day.

He sighed, eyes tired from scanning over the small print. Jenna and Tyler were both far more interested in literature than him, and the daily doses were yet to inspire Josh to follow in their footsteps.

"I'm gonna stop Ty, give my eyes a little break." He told his friend as he closed the book and put it to one side, then rubbed his face with his painfully gnawed hands.

"Happy 8th of January," he sighed, slouching in the crappy plastic chair. "Fun fact for you, both Galileo and Stephen Hawking were born on the 8th of January, exactly 300 years apart. There we go, you've got your literature and I've got my random useless crap."

Josh bounced his legs for a minute, craving a cigarette and feeling awkward talking to him. He turned his wrist and checked his watch. 11am. Diane would be on her break, and nobody would know if he slipped out for a couple of minutes. But he sighed, he had made a promise to Jenna and intended to stick to it.

"You're lucky I love you Ty, otherwise I'd be downstairs chain smoking a pack rather that watching you sleep. Oh and by the way you owe me like a thousand dollars for all these cigarettes, they're not cheap." He said lightheartedly, still bouncing his legs.

"You know if it were up to me Ty, I'd buy a shit ton of German novels and read those to you instead, then that way you could learn a whole new language which would actually be a productive use of your time. I mean I know you used to like these classical classic things, but you've read them all before. German would be cooler." Josh babbled, knowing Jenna would want him to fill the silence with something.

"I guess this is good for you, getting a bit of rest. You can finally catch up on all the sleep you've missed recently." He continued, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. "Well I say recently, I mean 3 4 months ago."

"You gave us quite the scare yesterday mate." Josh told him. "I know Hansen said it was a good thing, but you freaked Jenna right out, so do me a favour? Don't go having lots of those seizures."

"Jenna says I have to remind you as often as possible. 2nd of June is her due date, she needs you better by 2nd of June. That's your target Tyler, and that's your daughter's birthday."

"She's getting big Tyler, you can definitely tell she's pregnant. And she throws up a looot, so I'm jealous of you getting to miss out on all those pleasant smells and sounds. I wouldn't be surprised if she used up the intensive care unit's entire stock of vomit bowls."

"Oh and she's been thinking of baby names, uhmm, I think her favourite is Amélia at the moment, then she's also liking Talia and, damn, what was the other one, oh yeah, Darcy. If you want an input then you know what you gotta do Ty."

Josh sighed and lent back against the chair, glancing over at the dozen cards pinned to the board behind Tyler's bed. Most were get well soon cards he had received immediately after his admission, then there was a Christmas card from the staff on the ward and a Christmas card from his family. It actually made Josh quite angry when he thought about how infrequently they bothered to visit their son in intensive care. In the middle of all of the cards was a printout of Jenna's ultrasound - Tyler's daughter.

He looked back over to his unconscious friend, and that was when he saw it.

Tyler's eyes were open.


	2. What happened next

"Just as we did before, we need to continue to take things slowly with Tyler now, okay?" Dr Hansen told the pair, who both nodded tearfully. "It's not as simple as: he's awake, therefore he's out of the coma and recovered. There are a few stages between comatose and full consciousness that he may pass through or he may remain in. Due to the extent of his injury and the amount of time he spent in the coma, I couldn't confidently tell you that he's going to make a full recovery."

"So right now his eyes are open but he's not tracking, that means that he's not able to follow a light or a moving object when I show him either. However, he is able to focus his vision so that's a positive. Right now it will seem like he's just staring off into space."  
"He's in his own little world," Jenna sniffed.  
"A bit like that yeah, he's not aware of his surroundings. In his current state he won't show any sort of emotions or meaningful responses to external stimuli, but he will have basic reflexes like blinking."

"What happens next?" Josh asked, ignoring an escaping tear.  
"Alright so that last one I was talking about is called vegetative state. If it lasts longer than 12 months it's known as permanent vegetative and recovery is extremely unlikely. So therefore we'll hope that he'll improve to a minimally conscious state. It's similar but he will have phases of improved consciousness where he'll be able to respond to commands, such as move your finger etcetera. However he'll also have periods where he can't. And that's a gateway state to recovery." The doctor explained.

"How will we know when he's improving?" Jenna asked tearfully.  
"Both those states I explained are actually pretty irrelevant because each case and diagnosis is unique to the patient. Basically the things we are looking out for are: him tracking a moving object, movement as small as finger twitches right up to flailing arms, semi purposeful movement like pulling at his tubes and wires, responding to commands such as squeeze my hand, tracking background audio for example looking at the door when he hears it open, and him expressing relevant emotions like smiling when he sees familiar faces."  
"Okay," Josh nodded slowly, feeling overwhelmed and yet similarly underwhelmed. He was expecting more, expecting walking and talking. Expecting tracking as a given. Expecting everything to be magically fixed. Expecting better of himself.

"Can he hear us?"  
"Probably. He won't be able to respond, but keep talking to him. Keep it quiet, keep it calm, but keep it as though you're talking to a healthy adult. At this point there's no evidence to suggest that he's any more likely to understand simple sentences compared to complex."

 

 

As Josh sat watching Tyler, he thought back to what Jenna had said in the office. He really was in his own little world. His eyes wandered round their sockets, sometimes pausing but never looking. Josh was surprised by how much it still surprised him when Tyler's gaze would just so happen to fall his way. It wasn't eye contact, not really, but it made Josh's stomach drop.

All he could think was lights on nobody home.

Every so often Tyler would take a millisecond longer than usual to open his eyes after he blinked, and every time Josh's heart would stop. He couldn't shake off that fear of Tyler slipping back into the coma, slipping through his fingers once again.

His thoughts were interrupted as Jenna walked back into the room with her daily paper cup of crappy tea, and unusually a second cup.

"Hey baby, Jenna's back handsome," she smiled, putting both the cups on the table and leaning down to kiss him on the forehead, leaving her face lingering close to his for a moment afterwards with a large grin on her face. Of course Tyler didn't look back at her, but Jenna barely seemed to mind.

"Is that a coffee for me?" Josh asked once she pulled her chair nice and close to Tyler's pillow.  
"Nope, you said you didn't want one so I didn't get you one." She told him whilst still smiling at Tyler.  
"Good, but uh, how come you've got two?"  
"It's for Ty," the pregnant woman replied.  
"Jen, you know he can't-" Josh began concerned.  
"I know I know, but that doesn't have to stop us having our tea break together. Look Ty, this is your cup." She said as she reached for one of the paper cups.

"Jenna please please be careful not to burn him, he won't pull away if it spills,"  
"It's empty Josh, nothing in it, I'm not silly, am I Ty? I'm not silly, not a silly silly sausage," she cooed at her husband, making Josh feel all sorts of unease, then taking the empty cup and moulding Tyler's hand around it. It began to unpeel and fall back to it's natural position, no grip at all, but Jenna moved his whole arm and managed to prop the cup up between Tyler's slightly twisted but still limp hand and the side of his leg so it almost looked like he was holding it. She seemed pleased but Josh felt sick.

"Cheers!" She smiled, tapping her cup of tea against Tyler's empty one then taking a gulp.  
"Jenna, you're not, you're not playing doll with Tyler are you?" He asked, words tasting like poison as they rolled of his tongue. It was disgusting.

"What? No, course not, he's my husband. I'm just, I dunno, we're practicing for when's he's better."  
"Well can you not?" Josh retorted.  
"I'm not going any harm J, it's just a bit of fun."  
"It's messed up, he's a fully grown man, he shouldn't be playing tea parties."  
"He's enjoying himself, aren't you Ty? Yeah? Yeah? You having lots and lots of fun?" She patronised her husband.  
"Dr Hansen said speak to him properly." Josh growled.  
"And he also said stay calm," Jenna replied in the same condescending fake high pitch happy voice that Josh loathed. In fact he loathed it so much that he left the room in need of a desperate smoke.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh was surprised at how much Tyler improved in his first week awake. Everyone had warned him that it would take a long time, Dr Hansen, the online forums, the brain injury book he had bought, but it seemed to fly by for Josh. He wasn't sure whether it was because Tyler never seemed to do what was normal, or whether 10 weeks waiting for him to wake up had changed Josh's perspective of time.

He looked over to where Tyler was laying, a goofy smile on the sick man's face. He smiled all day everyday. Smiled at Jenna, smiled at Josh, smiled at the nurses and the doctors and the physical therapists and the ceiling.

At first his smile was more of an open mouthed sneer, but over time it returned to the giddy grin than Josh hadn't seen in months. It almost looked out of place on Tyler's face. Josh was so used to a blank expressionless face, both when he was comatose and in the months leading up to it.

He'd started moving too, only on his left side, but he moved nevertheless. Fingers twitched, ankle rolled. He even occasionally squeezed back when you held his hand - not that Josh ever got the opportunity. Jenna spent every hour of every day latched onto him, smiling and crying and smiling some more.

Josh and Jenna sometimes trod on each other's toes, but Josh tried to be understanding. He completely got why she was so emotional. The stress of the past 3 months would have brought anyone to tears, let alone a woman who was going through the swings which come with pregnancy.

The thing that always made them both choke up was when Tyler communicated. It was not often nor consistent, but it definitely happened. Ask him a simple question, tell him to blink once for no and twice for yes, and he'd do it.

Dr Hansen told them that they shouldn't tire him out, the team needed him to be alert as possible when they were asking questions regarding his recovery so Josh and Jenna weren't supposed to ask him too many questions. Of course they did their best to resist the urge to probe him with all their queries, but 3 months without him meant they couldn't help it at times.

"Tyyllerr," Jenna called out to him, and his eyes moved towards the sound, grin growing even further. "Such a smiley smiley boy, I love you," she beamed back at him. "You wanna feel your daughter again? Feel the baby bump? Wiggle your fingers or blink twice for yes,"

Josh saw Tyler's double blink, and from the smile on Jenna's face he knew that Tyler had wiggled his fingers in her grip as well. Multitasking was a relatively new and still impressive skill that Tyler seemed to be practicing at every opportunity, much to Josh's delight.

"Both? Such a show off, aren't you?" She grinned, kissing him on the forehead then climbing onto the side of his bed. She was about to rest his hand against her belly, when Tyler pouted.

"Pout, that's a new one." Josh noted, and Jenna looked across at her husband to see what he was talking about. She laughed in delight, kissing his cheek. As she did, he pouted once more so that his lips touched her chin.

"He wants a kiss Jen," Josh smiled at the pair.  
"Oh Ty baby, you want a kiss?" She asked him, and he pouted again. With a slight laugh she carefully pecked his lips. Immediately he grinned then pouted again, and she kissed him again.

"Such a flirt Tyler," Josh heckled as the pair kissed for a third time. They were only short and Josh could tell that Jenna was very anxious about hurting him, but at the same time she hadn't been able to kiss him for months and he knew how hard that was for the usually very intimate couple.

"That's enough Tyler, but listen handsome, if you kiss my fingers then I'll press them against the baby." She told him, holding two fingers up and waiting for him to pout again. He grinned innocently, but didn't pout. "Ty do you understand? Kiss my fingers sweetheart,"  
"Tyler, kissyface," Josh tried and failed to help.  
"I know you're tired sweetheart, it's okay," Jenna reassured him, planting a kiss on his cheek then holding his hand against their baby.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

It was 10 days after Tyler woke up when he said his first word. Less of a word, more of a sound. Regardless, it was enough to make Jenna burst into tears and, perhaps more impressively, Josh miss his 11am cigarette break.

"Dar," he had said, and Jenna and Josh both looked at each other in shock for a fraction of a second before showering Tyler in praise. The action seemed to exhaust Tyler and he proceeded to take a 3 hour nap, but Josh and Jenna were both buzzing. They called his family and their own families and made sure that every single member of staff knew, everyone being extremely proud of him and asking to be told when he was awake. Josh's mom had even warned Josh to start bracing himself for the incoming rant on his smoking that Tyler would deliver any day.

Although she was joking, it did make Josh think a lot about his filthy habit. He was happy to admit that it was filthy, but still proceeded to partake in it daily. Even though he'd cut down to about 20 a day, it was more for convenience because he didn't want to leave Tyler for long as opposed to actually wanting to quit. But the day Tyler spoke was the day Josh finally decided to try and quit. He bought himself patches that same day.

"What do you think it means?" Jenna asked Josh.  
"Hmm?"  
"What's he trying to say? Dar,"  
"Dar," Tyler repeated.  
"Dar dar dar," she smiled at him whilst deep in thought.  
"Hmm, dark?" Josh suggested.  
"Dart," Jenna bounced back.  
"Darwin, he is quite a smarty pants,"  
"Dar," Tyler repeated with a huge grin spread across his cheeks.  
"Well how about gendarmerie then," she said with a smirk, showing off her intelligence playfully.  
"Course, his first word is one I don't know."  
"Dar," the sick man said again.  
"It's a collective of gendarmes, which are French police officers."  
"I mean it's Tyler, so why not. Tyler, say gendarmerie."  
"Dar,"  
"Near enough," Jenna laughed, stroking Tyler's cheek with her thumb.

"Dar dar dar dar dar," Tyler chatted to himself.  
"What about radar? He always used to be obsessed with them."  
"His paranoid side was, but not my Ty. He's not like that all the time, and look at that grin, he never smiled like that when he was thinking that way. It's not radar, is it?" Jenna replied.  
"Dar," Tyler seemed to agree.

"Hmm, maybe he wants to take up sewing, darn,"  
"Jen, I think I know what it is," Josh realised joyfully.  
"Yeah?"  
"When he woke up, literally a couple of seconds before I saw him, I was talking to him about baby names."  
"Oh my goodness he's saying Darcy," she caught on. "Darcy? Tyler, do you want to call the baby Darcy,"  
"Dar," he grinned back, and Josh saw Jenna tear up.

"Come on Ty, say it all buddy, Darcy, Dar-cy," Josh encouraged him.  
"Dar,"  
"Cy,"  
"Dar,"  
"Darcy Tyler, Darcy,"  
"Dardy," Tyler said.  
"Oh Ty baby, well done," Jenna said emotionally, a tear running down her face as she ran her hand through his hair affectionately.  
"Okay, now antidisestablishmentarianism," Josh grinned.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

A week after dardy, day 17 of recovery, day 89 of the whole affair, Jenna and Josh were called in for another progress meeting with Dr Hansen.

"Okay let's kick it off by speaking about his speech."  
"He said Jenna 5 times this morning," Jenna smiled. "And he's so close to say Josh Doc,"  
"It's more of a jshh right now, but Jish was always a nickname so I'll take that." Josh added.  
"Well I'm not happy till I get a Hansen." The old man laughed.

"No I kid of course, his speech and language therapist has been telling me great things. His vocabulary is growing by the day and he seems to be understanding and processing sentences of all lengths and complexities, which I'm sure is of great relief to you both." He said and they nodded.

"The therapist has diagnosed him with dysarthria,"  
"What's that?" Jenna asked.  
"Nothing sinister, it's simply the name for a difficulty speaking caused by brain damage, which results in an inability to control the muscles used in speech. All the symptoms are what you can hear when he's talking: slurring, gurgling, hesitating, difficulty moving his lips and tongue."  
"But that will get better," Josh said, both a question and a statement.  
"Yes, if he continues to work at it then it should. And it's a bit of a snowball effect, the more progress he makes the easier it will become."  
"Good," Josh nodded with a smile.

"The speech and language therapist has also confirmed that he doesn't have dysphagia which we were worried about initially, so that's a relief."  
"That's the one where he can't swallow, right?" Josh checked.  
"Yes, but he's swallowing without a problem now."  
"So does that mean he can start eating soon? Rather than the feeding tube?" Jenna asked.  
"Not completely, but we are going to try and get him drinking in the next week or so. He can't eat because we're not confident on how strong is chew will be and we don't want him to choke, then of course he's not totally in control of his lips. So he's not going to be having a sirloin steak in the immediate future, but water through a straw is a realistic goal."  
"Okay,"

"So that's the speech therapy, then the next thing on the agenda is his physical therapy."  
"Okay,"  
"Daily sessions seem to be making progress with him, we've got his left leg beginning to bend with a little assistance, and his left hand's grip is very strong. He's able to voluntarily bend his left elbow and we're aiming to get him lifting that arm from his shoulder as a next step."  
"What about his right side?" Josh asked.  
"As I've explained before, he injured his left side of the brain so movement on his right side is impacted. The good things we can highlight now are that: 1, he has feeling in his right side, 2, he does subconsciously recoil from pain, 3, when he had his seizure he moved both sides. So because of that, we know that there is a link in his brain that is still able to control his right side. The problem is consciously moving. The therapist is going to continue building the muscles up during his sessions and hopefully he'll be able to gain back as much control as he can, but it's likely to be weakened if not impaired for life."  
"But we can't give up, Tyler's always proving doctor's wrong, he can do this," Jenna said and Josh smiled both proudly and sympathetically at her.

"Very true. In the mean time, you may have noticed that Tyler's right hand has begun to curl inwards? Like the letter C."  
"Yeah,"  
"So that's abnormal posturing, decorticate in his case. If we leave it then his hand is going to continue to turn inwards, so we're going to get him a wrist brace to wear and make sure that a therapist reaches you some exercises to do with him as often as possible."  
"Okay thank you."

"Another positive plan for the future; he seems to be making a lot of improvement with holding up and moving his head, so we're going to get him sitting up in bed either today or tomorrow."  
"The therapist said his core's really weak, can he sit?" Josh asked.  
"Oh sorry, I meant sitting the back of the bed up. He can still lean against it." The doctor expanded.  
"Oh okay,"  
"But that's still really good," Jenna nodded with a smile. Always looking for the bright side of things.

"Okay, any questions?"  
"I know that Google is the enemy so I'm sorry in advance," Josh began with a guilty smile, "but I read that there can be personality changes. As he's beginning to speak again, I'm presuming his personality will start to show. Before he went into the coma he had paranoid schizophrenia, will that be impacted by what's happened?"  
"Pwah, big question." Dr Hansen said, taking a moment to sit back in his chair and contemplate his response.

"Okay I'm going to be honest, I don't know. There's definitely some links between mental health and brain injury, but usually it's as a result of it. Depression, anxiety and PTSD are frequent after an injury, and I have read about some cases of post head injury psychosis diagnoses. But I mean that's minimal, less than 1%. I've never heard of or treated or read about anyone with schizophrenia before a brain injury such as his. I think we'll just have to monitor him. I take it you two can tell when he's unwell with the disorder?"  
"Yeah course," Jenna nodded.  
"So you tell me if you suspect anything, and hopefully Tyler will be able to tell us as well, but I suspect he'll want to tell you rather than me. Keep me posted on that."  
"Okay we will."  
"But you're right Josh, there may be some personality changes so you will need to prepare yourselves for that."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

"Jennna," Tyler said, rolling his head against the almost-upright back of the bed so that he was facing her.  
"Yes sweetheart?"  
"Jennna, baby dardsee," he said, lifting his arm at the elbow and swinging it towards her pregnancy bump, grabbing with his fingers stiffly.  
"Try it again for me sweetie, Darcy." She replied warmly but standing just out of his reach.  
"Darz-dsee," he attempted, still unable to lose the second d sound.  
"And again, Darcy,"  
"Dardsee,"  
"One more time," Jenna told him, but he furrowed his brow and sulkily pouted.

"She's a meany isn't she Ty?" Josh smiled from the other side of the bed, and Tyler looked over to him. "But I'll tell you what, you can feel my belly for free." He offered jokingly, standing up and sticking out his stomach as he mocked Jenna's stance. Tyler took a moment to process what was happening, but Josh watched as his sulk switched to a grin.

"Josh stop being silly," Jenna smiled whilst shaking her head at him, "Come on Ty, last time I promise."  
"Darzzzsssee,"  
"Oh well done sweetheart, that was way closer," she supported him, ruffling his hair. As she did, he began grabbing for her belly again with a hand motion that Josh had nicknamed "puppet" because it was so similar to a sock puppet movement.

"Ty, Ty no, gentle, come on be soft darling," she said, flattening his hand against her belly and holding it there for him. Although Tyler had been smiling from Josh's joke, Josh always liked watching that grin grow as he connected with his unborn daughter.

"Carrot." Tyler said.  
"No she's not the size of a carrot anymore, she's grown babe, she's the size of a papaya now. At least that's what the website says. It's a difficult one hey? You want to have a go? Papaya."  
"More,"  
"You want to know more about her?"  
"Yeh," he nodded tiredly.  
"Hmm let's see. Well her hearing's getting a lot clearer, they said she'll be able to hear us talking and they recommend reading to her."  
"Boog,"  
"Books yeah, have you got a favourite you want me to find? Your favourite children's book?"  
"Jsshh,"  
"I'm your favourite book? Aw cheers man," Josh laughed. "I think you should read her Cat in the Hat, that was what my mom always read me and I turned out to be amazing."  
"Cat in the hat, I reckon you can say that Tyler. I know you can do them all individually, it's just the same but in a row, please try sweetie? Cat in the hat."  
"Cat,"  
"In the hat,"  
"Hat,"  
"Cat in the hat," Jenna repeated.  
"Catin a hat."  
"Not half bad mate, it's a bit of a tongue twister," Josh told him with a small smile.

"Baby Dardsee," Tyler reminded Jenna of what he wanted to know.  
"Her fingernails and eyebrows have grown now, and she's getting some head hair too." Jenna recalled from the website. "And she going to be stroking her own face lots because she's learning to touch things. Oh and she's swallowing lots and lots now, just like you,"  
"Except you're on water Ty and she's on amniotic fluid." Josh added.  
"Yuck." Tyler said, and they both began to laugh.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Day 96 since Tyler's injury was a Wednesday. It was the first day of February, it was a Wednesday, and it was rainy. Josh didn't mind standing in the snow or the wind for a smoke, but the rain was a step too far.

For a brief moment Josh had considered skipping, but that only lasted a few minutes before he had to excuse himself from the ICU to satisfy his cravings. He sprinted through the torrential weather before finally hiding in the bus shelter and lighting up.

As the first drag filled then left his lungs, he felt a little breathless. He attempted and failed to convince himself that his fitness had dipped because of visiting Tyler, but deep down he knew it was the cigarettes. He was only down the street from the hospital, he should not need to breathe that deeply. Damn.

Josh wasn't a complete idiot, he knew what he was doing to himself. Then again maybe he was an idiot for knowing what damage was being done and yet doing it anyway. But he sighed and took another drag, he was trying, he was trying.

Tyler had picked up on his coughing, called him out for it in that hesitant and slurred speech that Josh was learning to understand. Josh dismissed it as just winter flu, but Tyler called it a smoker's cough, he knew what it was. He wasn't an idiot. Not like Josh, Josh was an idiot.

As the rain hammered down on the shelter's roof, Josh sighed to himself and rolled up his sleeve, pressing down the curling edges of his nicotine patch. He'd been wearing them for 2 weeks. The back of the box had said that he should have started using the smaller ones after a week so he could start weaning, but Josh hadn't. He was being pathetic. Tyler was the brave one, the strong one, the one who had weaned himself off a fucking mechanical ventilator; Josh couldn't even wean himself off little patches.

He tapped the cigarette and ash fell to the ground, then he took another drag.

A car drove past on the street he was facing, splashing up small puddles near the sidewalk as it rushed by. The water waved for a few seconds before settling again, surface only broken by the continuous raindrops. The middle of the road was wet and Josh could see the reflections of the bright lights coming from the hospital windows that evening.

As the first cigarette of the session came to its last legs, he looked up at the towering building with its countless rectangle panels of light. Each room contained a patient and each patient had a family and all of them were impacted. Nobody ever prepares for a loved one to get sick, nobody ever expects it to happen, nobody ever knows if things will get better.

Josh sighed again as he flicked the butt in the trash and sparked a new one.

Tyler and Jenna and Darcy were in one of those rooms, and Josh wasn't. But he had begun to wonder whether maybe it was better that way, they were a family and he wasn't part of that. As he watched Jenna smile at Tyler as he kissed her belly, Josh couldn't help but feel he was intruding. He didn't belong there, and yet he couldn't bring himself to leave.

He knew he would have to. Tyler was getting better, slowly, but nevertheless he was getting better. He wouldn't be in hospital forever, and Josh couldn't stay with him in the rehabilitation unit, nor could he live with them once he went home. Darcy would be born in a few months and Josh had to face up to the fact that they were going to move on and make the best of the situation, and he had to too.

This was all going to come to an end eventually. There would be a day when his first thought when he woke up wouldn't be beating the rush hour traffic to get to the hospital. When intercranial pressure and dysarthria weren't part of his daily vocabulary. When ICU room number 4 was used by another patient and Tyler was better.

Josh would have to get a job. He presumed not turning up for 3 months had cost him last one. He'd have to go back to work, go back to grocery shopping and laundry and bills. Back to normal life. He wasn't even sure he could remember what normal life was. He wasn't sure he could live a normal life when it felt as though his entire life had been spent in ICU room number 4.

He sucked in a large gulp of smoke and held it for as long as he could. Moving on, wow. It was something he had prayed for for months, but now it was getting closer and closer he felt afraid. And that was stupid, he had literally nothing to be afraid of. But losing his new version normality and knowing he couldn't return to his previous life with Tyler as a best mate, a healthy best mate, was more than a little anxiety provoking. The future was unknown and that was scary.

Josh cursed at himself for being selfish. He finished the cigarette, stubbed out it's last embers and put it in the trash then made a dash for the hospital doors again.

 

  
"Hey," Josh said, opening the door but standing in it rather than sitting down again.  
"Hey," Tyler smiled.  
"I'm, uh, I'm gonna head home guys," he told them, rapping his knuckles against the door.  
"You k?" He asked.  
"Yeah yeah I'm fine, it's just, it's raining out and I'm all wet and yeah, gonna head home and get a hot shower, early night."  
"Want me to walk you to the elevator?" Jenna offered, rightfully suspecting there was more to it.  
"Nah I'm alright, but I'll see you both tomorrow."  
"Bye," Tyler said with a smile, whereas Jenna just looked at him concerned.  
"Night."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

"Okay the aim of the game is to get the highest number of points you can, and you get points by swapping the candies."  
"Right," Tyler said, looking at the iPad in Josh's hand.  
"So you need to get the same colour, like these red jellybeans, in a row. The more in the row the better, but 3 is the minimum."  
"Yeah,"  
"Look at the red ones, see how there's two on that row and then a green, and there's a red on the row below,"  
"Yeah,"  
"I'm going to swap the red and the green." Josh explained.  
"3 red," Tyler realised, watching avidly.  
"Exactly, so the red candies will get crushed and you'll get the points."  
"Candies crushed, candy crush, the name,"  
"Bingo." He smiled, then switched the candies and watched as Tyler smiled at the screen, fascinated by the change.

"Do you want a go?"  
"Ok," Tyler nodded.  
"So can you see any colours where there are two and then one on the next row?"  
"Is it, um," he began asking before resulting to gesturing with his hand, at first up and down and then side to side.  
"Yeah it can be vertical or horizontal."  
"Uh, blue?"  
"The blue has got 2, but the third one is too far away. Can you see any others? Purple maybe?" Josh prompted.  
"Purple!" He said excitedly, pointing to where Josh had guided him too.  
"Yeah that's really good Ty, can you swap the purple and the red?"  
"Ok," the younger nodded, reaching out with his left index finger and poking the screen. He poked and tapped it a few times, but to no amend.

"Swipe it Tyler,"  
"Huh?"  
"Like this," he said, wrapping his spare hand around his friend's wrist and moving it so that the he completed the move, which delighted him.

"Josh, Tyler, is Jenna about somewhere?" Dr Hansen said as he entered the room, clipboard in one arm.  
"Toilet." Tyler told him.  
"Ah, well she's going into her third trimester next week if I remember rightly, so you better start getting used to frequent bathroom breaks." The old man smiled. "I'll wait until she gets back before I start." He decided, hanging the clipboard on the end of the bed and leaning against it.

"Tyler, do you want to tell Dr Hansen what we're doing?" Josh suggested.  
"A game called, on the iPad, um, n-named candy crush,"  
"Oh yeah, how are you finding it?"  
"It's fun." Tyler grinned.  
"Good, I'm glad you're enjoying it. I used to enjoy it until I got stuck on level 290 for about 3 months and deleted it in a fit of rage one evening." He told them as Jenna walked back in.  
"Oh hi Doc, sorry, did I miss anything?"  
"No no we waited."  
"Thank you." She smiled as she sat down next to Tyler and Josh, holding her husband's hand.

"Okay before we move on, this is for you Tyler." Dr Hansen told him before reaching inside his clipboard and pulling out a white A5 envelope and putting it in his lap. Tyler picked it up with his left hand and rested it on his thigh, then lifted up his non-functioning right hand with his left by its brace and placed it on top of the envelope. Josh watched as he used it as a deadweight to keep it still whilst ripping the glued side open with his left. It only took him a few seconds to pull out a card with the number 100 on the front in glittery font.

"Want me to read it for you?" Josh offered, knowing Tyler couldn't.  
"Please," he nodded and passed it over.  
"Dear Tyler, today marks your 100th day here with us on the unit, and we've loved having you and seeing your impressive improvements. Triple digits is an honour we only reserve for our favourite patients, thank you for being such a pleasure to treat - you truly feel like one of the team! The past month of getting to know you has been a delight for us all, highlight of all of our ward rounds. We're going to miss you and your smile when you're well enough to move on, but please know that we're all very proud of you. Lots of love, Emma, Lauren, James, Denise, Glenn and Dr Hansen."  
"Aww that's so sweet," Jenna smiled, squeezing Tyler's hand.  
"Thank you," Tyler said to the doctor.  
"We meant every word," he nodded warmly.

"So Tyler, got a quiz for you to do, feeling up to it?"  
"Yeah,"  
"If you're tired or want a break then tell me,"  
"I, I will,"  
"Great, what's your full name?"  
"Tyler Robert Joseph."  
"Where are you?"  
"Columbus Ohio."  
"I'm going to tell you 3 words and you need to remember them because I'm going to ask for them later. The three words are bed tree pencil."  
"Okay,"  
"How old are you?"  
"28," Tyler answered, and Jenna smiled proudly at Josh over how well he was doing.

"What month is it?"  
"Febrr, February,"  
"Can you name a mode of transport for me please."  
"Train,"  
"What were the three words?"  
"Bed, pencil and um, uh, I don't remember, no wait, tree?"  
"Great job Tyler," Dr Hansen smiled, making notes on his clipboard.

"Right, serial 7s is next. Count down from 100 in 7s please."  
"100, 93, 86, 79, 72, 65, 58-" he recited, occasionally a little slurred but correct nevertheless.  
"I'll stop you there, great."  
"Don't think I could do that Ty," Josh told him honestly and he smiled.

"I'm going to tell you a story, I want you to repeat it back to me straight away - do you understand?"  
"Yeh,"  
"John had a golden retriever called Barney, they walked through Victoria park everyday at 5 o clock. Barney loved to chase squirrels."  
"John had a golden ret-retrievvver named Barney, they walked through Victoria park everyday at 5. Barney loves chasing squirrels."  
"Not far off, well done. What beats rock in Rock Paper Scissors?"  
"Paper,"  
"Can you tell me the story again please."  
"John had a g-golden retriever named Barney, they went to Victoria park everyday at 5 o clock. Barney lllloves chasing squirrels."  
"Okay that was great Tyler," Dr Hansen told him, making some notes then getting out a handful of rectangular cards.

"There's supposed to be 60 of these but I'm not going to do them all. Just tell me what you see." He explained, then showed Tyler the first image.  
"House,"  
"Okay, next,"  
"Cactus,"  
"Number 3," Dr Hansen muttered as he swapped the card.  
"Saw,"  
"And this one?"  
"Canoe,"  
"Good, and this?"  
"Rr, r-rrope,"  
"Yeah you're doing really well Tyler. What's this one?"  
"Bench,"  
"Next,"  
"Hippo,"  
"It's not a hippo Tyler, take another look," he said, still holding out the same card.  
"Oh, it's uh, it's uh, a um, a rhino,"  
"Great," Dr Hansen nodded pleased. "Last one,"  
"Camel,"  
"Perfect, all done." He said, collecting all the cards back up and sliding them into his clipboard.

"Camels are weird," Tyler said to himself and Josh smirked.  
"Indeed. Want a little break or power through?"  
"Keep going."

"Point to your shoulder." The doctor instructed and Tyler did. "Good, and tug your ear. Good. What colour is Jenna's shirt?"  
"Blue."  
"Okay Tyler, tell me the odd one out. Knife, corkscrew, fork, spoon."  
"Corr, corxshoe," he slurred.  
"Can't do that one yet? No that's okay. Let's try another odd one out instead. Elephant, cat, lion, zebra."  
"Cat."  
"Much better. Okay, yes or no, do you know what a spider is?"  
"Yes,"  
"Is it an insect?"  
"Yes,"  
"Does it have wings?"  
"No,"  
"Is it smaller than a bird?"  
"Yes."  
"Does it squeak?"  
"No."  
"Is it a type of snake?"  
"No."  
"Does it spin a web?"  
"Yes."

"That's enough spiders for one day I think. Almost done Tyler, you're doing well. This is going to be the hardest one I reckon, so take your time and don't get frustrated or upset - it's designed to push you to find your limit."  
"Okay," he nodded, and Josh saw Jenna squeeze his hand.

"Repeat the word after me. Brown."  
"Brown."  
"Chair."  
"Chair."  
"Hammock."  
"Hammm, hammuck," he said, the rhythm a little wrong.  
"Purple."  
"Purple."  
"W,"  
"Dub, dubblyayoo," Tyler almost repeated it, getting a little caught up.  
"Fifteen."  
"Fifty."  
"Again, fifteen." Dr Hansen told him.  
"Fifteen."  
"One thousand seven hundred and seventy six."  
"One thousand seven seventy sssix."  
"Emphasise."  
"Em, f, psy, z," he spelled out phonetically.  
"Methodist episcopal."  
"No."  
"No? Don't want to try?"  
"No." Tyler repeated sadly, and Josh was thankful that Jenna squeezed her husband's hand again.

"Okay, that's alright. We'll move on." Dr Hansen said, flipping over the sheet of paper. "Urrm, Tyler, have we got any reading back yet?"  
"No," he said, still innocently sad.  
"Writing or pen control?"  
"No," Tyler uttered again, looking over at his writing hand in its brace.  
"That's alright, we can skip those sections then. Means we're almost done."  
"Almost done sweetheart," Jenna reassured him.

"Days of the week please Tyler,"  
"Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday," he said quietly.  
"Really good. Do you want a break?"  
"No, I'm uh, I'm okay," Tyler decided, rubbing his face with his working hand.

"Good to hear. Okay I'm going to tell you a story then ask some yes or no questions about it, are you ready?"  
"Yes,"  
"Mr Jones had to go to New York. He decided to take a train. His wife drove him to the station, but on the way they had a flat tire. However, they arrived at the station just in time for him to catch the train." Dr Hansen read, then gave him a second before asking the first question. "Did Mr Jones miss his train?"  
"No,"  
"Was Mr Jones going to New York?"  
"Yes,"  
"Did he get to the station on time?"  
"Yes,"  
"Was he on his way home from New York?"  
"No,"  
"Perfect Tyler, well done."  
"You did great handsome, Darcy's kicking proudly." Jenna told him, which made him grin.

"Tyler, on what continent is France?"  
"Europe."  
"How many hours will it take to travel 150 miles at 50 miles an hour?"  
"3?"  
"Yes. Now I need you to repeat the following numbers backwards. 1 5 8."  
"8 5 1,"  
"2 4 3 5 1,"  
"1 5 3 4 2,"  
"That's tricky, well done Tyler. Finish the sentence, birds fly in the air, fish swim in the-"  
"Sea."  
"Good. Can you give me a sentence using the word reverse please?"  
"Dr Hansen asked me to say the numbers in reverse."  
"Haha very good Tyler, very good." He laughed, finishing filling in the form he had been scribbling on throughout the assessment. Tyler looked over at Josh and Jenna and smiled tiredly. Jenna smiled back, stroking his hand with her thumb still. Whereas Josh poked out his tongue, which Tyler copied before grinning.

"Okay, you want the good news or the bad news first?"  
"Bad,"  
"You're gonna break my team's heart Tyler, because you're ready to leave the ICU. I have your transfer form ready, you can leave as soon as you want." Dr Hansen told him, and Jenna immediately burst into tears.  
"Jenna, Jenna he was joking it was bad news, don't cry, it's good news. Don't cry," Tyler told his wife.  
"Tyler you've got to remember that these two have been waiting 2 and a half months longer for this than you. They're happy tears, she's okay." Dr Hansen explained to him.  
"Happy tears baby," she nodded, standing up and hugging his head against her chest. "I'm so proud of you Tyler."  
"Thank you sir," Josh said to Dr Hansen, shaking his hand firmly.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Jenna and Josh read through every rehabilitation centre brochure that his insurance covered, then looked around 3 of them and talked it through with Dr Hansen and Tyler intensively before settling on a unit called Silver Oaks. By the time they had liaised with his new head of care and arranged all the details, it was day 106 when Tyler was officially discharged from the ICU.

There were tearful goodbyes to all the members of staff who had become friends, and promises to keep them updated and to visit when he was up and walking. Eventually Tyler gave them the card and flowers Jenna had bought (and written for him) then they bid farewell and got into the elevator.

Josh pushed his wheelchair whilst Jenna held his hand tight, wiping away her tears with her free hand as she cried and laughed at herself.  
"You okay?" Tyler asked as the elevator went down.  
"I've been imagining this for a really long time baby, a really long time. Just very emotional, but yeah, I'm more than okay." She nodded tearfully. "How about you? Are you okay?"  
"Excited," he smiled at her, then grinned over his shoulder at Josh as the doors opened. Josh pushed him forwards and they all moved through the open lobby and towards the automatic sliding doors. They went slowly, Jenna keeping her grip on Tyler as Josh pushed.

"Right, you ready?" Josh asked when they came to the door.  
"Yep," he nodded, so Josh pushed onwards and the cold air hit their faces, Tyler letting out a giggle of delight.

"Free at last." Josh joked, putting the brakes on the wheelchair once they were outside on the unofficial patio and stepping round to face him with a smile.  
"Best mouthful of air ever," he grinned.  
"Soak it in baby," Jenna smiled, playing with his hair. "The driver from Silver Oaks should be here any minute sweetheart,"  
"Okay,"  
"I'm going to quickly dash to the car and grab your bag, but I'll be back in a minute. Is that okay?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded.  
"Are you cold?" She asked him.  
"No,"  
"Put this on you lap darling," she said, taking off her coat and giving it to him.  
"It's fine, take it," Tyler tried to insist, but she tucked it in either side of his thighs before kissing him on the forehead.  
"Don't need you catching a cold sweetie. I'll be right back," she said, then headed towards the parking lot.

"She's such a worrier," Tyler said to Josh.  
"Yeah, fraid you're gonna have to deal with us being a bit overprotective for a while." Josh told him, crouching down and sitting on his heels as he smiled at his friend.  
"I know,"  
"Feeling okay?"  
"Excited."  
"You know it's okay to be nervous Ty. New people, new hospital, new therapy regime - it would be normal to be a little apprehensive."  
"Like scared?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeah,"  
"No, no I'm not scared."  
"Good," Josh nodded, knowing Tyler was telling the truth but feeling off about it. He'd always been anxious, always needed a little more encouragement or reassurance, always been solicitous for the future. But Josh forced another smile, knowing he should be happy Tyler was comfortable.

As Josh looked up to see whether the unit's driver had arrived, he instead met a familiar face heading back from their smoking spot.  
"Diane!"  
"Oh hi Josh," the nurse turned and smiled at him.  
"Diane, this is Tyler," he introduced his friend.  
"Hi," Tyler greeted her warmly, not in the least bit anxious about meeting the stranger.  
"Hey Tyler, nice to finally meet you,"  
"I'm leaving today," Tyler beamed proudly.  
"Oh that's great news, bet you're glad to be heading home." She smiled at him.  
"I'm not going home, I'm going to a, going to a, a new hospital. They're going to help me because I hurt my head, they're going to help me walk and write and read again," Tyler babbled excitedly, taking Josh by surprise again. Before the injury Tyler would have run 10 blocks rather than dish out such personal information to a random stranger.

"Well I wish you the best of luck Tyler, I'm sure you're going to do great. If your doctor has said that you're ready to leave here then you must be doing really really well, and you must have worked really hard-"  
"I have!" Tyler nodded happily.  
"Good, keep that up then yeah? Keep working and persevering and you'll continue to make progress, then you really will be heading home." She told him with a smile.  
"I will, I'll be home super soon."  
"I'm sure you will be. Well I've got to head back inside, but good luck Tyler, it was lovely to meet you."  
"You too."  
"And Josh," she began before pulling him into their first ever hug. "I'm so happy for you sweetheart, told you things would work out eventually."  
"Thank you Diane, for everything." Josh whispered then let go of her.  
"Been lovely getting to know you both, and good luck with the future."  
"Likewise, bye Diane." Josh waved her off as she went back to her ward.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Tyler asked with a giggle.  
"My girlfriend? She's 20 years older than me Ty." Josh laughed with him. "No she's not, she's just a friend,"  
"Who's this you're talking about?" Jenna asked as she rejoined the two men, holding a kit bag full of Tyler's stuff.  
"Josh's girlfriend," Tyler told her.  
"Oh yeah?" Jenna smirked at him.  
"Yep," Josh nodded.  
"Well you can tell us all about her in the ambulance, come on, I saw the Silver Oaks guy parked round the side." She told them; Josh took the heavy bag off her and swung it over his shoulder as she took off the breaks and began pushing her husband.


	3. The bit after that bit

Josh decided that Tyler's move to Silver Oaks was a good time for him to start moving on too. Because it was that simple he kidded himself. He decided to take a step back, let Jenna settle him in then maybe visit him after a few days. Although he had the self restraint not to get in the ambulance when he was getting transferred, he did crumble less than 24 hours later and visit first thing on day 107. He just simply didn't know what else to do with himself.

He pulled up in the parking lot, taking a moment to look at the building again from the driver's seat. Josh had been to the unit before with Jenna to check out the facilities and meet a few members of staff, but it felt different this time. This was really happening, they were really done with ICU, this was really Tyler's new home.

Josh sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. He hadn't slept well the night before - nothing compared to his awful excuse of a sleep schedule when Tyler was unconscious, but nevertheless badly. With a scarred hand from months of chewing, Josh opened the passenger glovebox and fished out a box of cigarettes and a lighter.

The unit rehabilitated people with a whole range of injuries, and Josh knew for a fact that many were cancer sufferers. Although he felt a slight pang of guilt, it didn't stop him opening the window a little and lighting up. Smoking was his therapy.

As the smoke filled his lungs, he unlocked his phone and flicked safari open. With a quick tap on his bookmarked sites, his sister's blog opened and he clicked the most recent post.

They hadn't fallen out, but since Tyler's injury Josh had pretty much withdrawn from every other aspect of his life including family. Reading Ashley's entries was Josh's way of checking up on her without having to explicitly ask. They were no longer close enough for him to outright ask her if she was taking a bad mental health turn.

Josh sighed, knowing that it was his own fault they had grown apart. But that's what happens when you don't speak to anybody except an unconscious body and his wife for 4 months.

After leaving an anonymous comment praising her strength and bravery, he slid the phone back into his pocket and climbed out of the car. He trod the cigarette into the ground and headed towards the door.

 

"Josh!" Tyler greeted him happily as the receptionist showed him to Tyler's room.  
"Hey buddy," Josh smiled at him sat up in his bed, Jenna on a chair next to him. He pulled up another and sat down too.  
"Josh guess what!"  
"I don't know, what?"  
"Jenna is going to always have a sleepover with me in my hospital." He grinned.  
"Oh that's awesome Ty,"  
"Are you going to have a, a sleepover too?"  
"No, Jenna's staying in the family room here and I'm going to stay in my apartment. But I'll still come visit you yeah? Jenna will be here everyday all day and I'm going to come a couple of times a week."  
"Oh, okay." Tyler nodded, still smiling.

"How was your first night?"  
"Yeah it was good thanks, wasn't it Ty?" Jenna answered.  
"It was fun and I made lots of friends."  
"With the other patients?"  
"Not yet. With the um, um, I made lots of friends with the nurses and the doctors."  
"Glad to hear it, just as long as I stay your favourite," Josh smiled at him.  
"Best friends forever," Tyler beamed.

"Do you like my bedroom?" He asked, looking around at his new home.  
"Yeah it's awesome Ty, I especially like the blue." Josh replied, the paint a refreshing change from the mindnumbing white of the ICU.  
"Blue's my favourite!"  
"And we're allowed to personalise it a bit aren't we Ty? Gonna get some pictures and stick them up, and all the cards you got too. Then I'm going to buy some fairy lights and bring some familiar blankets and pillows from home, try and make it a bit more relaxing." Jenna said softly.  
"And photos." Tyler added.  
"Yeah pictures darling, photos and pictures are the same," Jenna told him before smiling sadly at Josh.

"I'm going to have fairy lights Josh,"  
"Yeah that'll be nice,"  
"But they're not fairies, they're not real fairies."  
"No,"  
"They're small, really small baby bulbs with electr-el-electricity all on a string."  
"That's right baby," Jenna smiled.

"Good morning good morning," a female doctor smiled as she entered the room carrying a file, a younger female nurse at her side with two paper cups in one hand. "Oh look at you, Mr Popular, 2 visitors already?"  
"Josh is my best friend," Tyler grinned at the woman.  
"Hi, Josh Dun, pleasure." He introduced himself, standing to shake both their hands.  
"Dr Stamper,"  
"Sophie, I think we met before, on your tour?"  
"Oh yeah, I remember," Josh smiled before sitting down again.

"Tyler, how are you?" Dr Stamper asked, sitting casually on the end of his bed with him.  
"Great,"  
"Did you sleep okay?"  
"Yep, really great."  
"Pleased to hear it, Sophie's got some medicine for you and then we're going to talk about the plan for the next couple of weeks; does that sound okay?"  
"Sounds great." He nodded, and Sophie passed him a cup with several tablets in it. He tipped them into his mouth with his left hand and dropped the empty cup, then took the cup of water off her and washed them back. Sophie took the cups back and Tyler smacked his lips.

"Okay so to start with I've got this for you, you don't have to use it if you're confident in talking to people, but I'll give it to you anyway." Dr Stamper said, getting out a small rectangular card, one side completely green and the other entirely red.  
"Thank you," Tyler said already.  
"So if you understand what's going on and you don't have any questions then put the green side on top. If you're confused at all or you've got any problems or questions then put the red on top."  
"Awesome, thanks," he grinned, admiring the simple tool and holding it close to his eyes, then putting it down on the bed beside him red side up.  
"Red?"  
"Oh, haha, no, green," Tyler smiled, turning it over.

"Staying with the theme of colours, I've printed and laminated a colour coded timetable for you." She said, passing it across.  
"Can I s-s-stick it on my wall?"  
"Of course you can."  
"Jenna! We can stick this on my wall!" He told his wife happily.  
"Yeah we will baby," Jenna nodded to him.  
"But do you want to know what it means Tyler?" Dr Stamper asked.  
"Um, I don't mind, I like, I like looking at it, it's pretty."  
"Okay well I'll tell you what all the colours mean, and I've also got this one for you Jenna," the doctor said, handing over a timetable which had printed words opposed to blocks of colour.

"Tyler, the different colours mean different activities, and the different columns means a different day. When you wake up every morning, Sophie is going to draw an arrow pointing to which day it is in whiteboard marker."  
"Thank you Sophie."  
"You're welcome," the nurse smiled at him.

"Can you see the red blocks?" Dr Stamper asked.  
"Yes, there are lots and lots!"  
"Red is going to be your physical therapy sessions, they're with Rani and Luke, you met them yesterday."  
"They're my friends."  
"Good, they're lovely lovely people and they're going to build up your muscles and your strength, and help you to regain as much motor control as you can."  
"Can they help me, can they help me walk?"  
"Yeah they're going to try. Tyler, here at Silver Oaks we call learning to walk again gait training."  
"Gait training?"  
"That's right. You're not quite ready for gait training just yet, but they're going to help you with sitting up, and lots of other muscle groups and functions. Then we will decide when you're ready for gait training and Luke and Rani will start the therapy."  
"Cool, I'm excited." Tyler smiled.  
"The way you can remember it is red Rani, both the letter r. Red, Rani."  
"Red Rani, got it," he nodded.

"Okay the next block is yellow. Yellow is speech therapy."  
"I did that already with my old friends and my old hospital." Tyler told her proudly.  
"Yeah? Do you like it?"  
"Yes, she makes me say funny sentences where, where, where the words are silly and get twisted."  
"Your new therapist is going to be lots of fun too, she's called Chloe and she's going to work on making sure you say what you mean, and that you say it clearly."  
"Okay,"  
"I like to remember yellow is where you yell. She's going to make you shout some things, so remember that yellow is yelling. Yellow yelling, red Rani."  
"Cool."

"Orange blocks are when you have meals. You can have a snack whenever you're hungry, so just tell Sophie or someone else and they'll get you something to eat, but orange is for the main meals."  
"Can, can Jenna and my best friend Josh come to my meals?"  
"Of course they can. Tyler your loved ones can come to any sessions they want as long as they don't stop you from working hard."  
"Dr Hansen says I always work hard."  
"He told me the same thing," Dr Stamper told him.  
"Did he? Aw he's so friendly."  
"He's a lovely gentleman. Now Tyler, orange is a colour but it's also a food, so that's how you remember. Eat oranges at orange sessions."  
"Oranges at orange." Tyler repeated with a nod.

"Pink is your time with a man called Adam, and he's going to teach you to read and write again."  
"Yay!"  
"Oh, you're excited about that one hey?" She smiled at him, and Jenna smiled at Josh.  
"It's my absolute favourite thing."  
"Adam is very patient but he's firm, he'll work you hard but it gets results I promise. Are you up to the challenge?"  
"Yes!"  
"And Adam has pink hair, that's why the session is pink."  
"Pink hair?! He's silly," Tyler laughed, grinning over to Josh and Jenna.

"Silver's next, can you see it?"  
"Yep,"  
"Silver is what we call cognitive management and rehabilitation. Well that's what the big bosses call it, everyone else calls it school. Silver school, both S, silver school."  
"What's that?"  
"It's going to help you with your thinking skills. Help organising and planning, with problem solving, with being able to focus your attention on one thing. They'll also help you get better at processing new information and improve your memory."  
"No math?"  
"No no, but in your file it says you did some assessments with Dr Hansen already?"  
"The quizzes?"  
"Yeah the quizzes." Jenna intervened, nodding to the doctor.  
"They're going to help you get better at the quizzes."  
"Okay," Tyler nodded.

"Okay almost done Tyler. This one I am interested in seeing how you find it. The two different shades of blue are psychological therapy sessions. Dark blue is a group session with some other patients where you can all talk together about how you're feeling, and light blue is one-to-one therapy."  
"Blue is my favourite colour."  
"Purple is mine. Now Tyler, I know you have schizophrenia, so if you want more therapy sessions then tell me and I can organise that. I've also told the unit's psychologist about your diagnosis, so he's going to assess you during your first few appointments and give us an extensive report on how your condition had changed since you acquired your brain injury."  
"Will we be allowed access to that report?" Jenna asked.  
"Yes, I'll let you know when I have it."  
"Thank you."  
"Why is is is it blue?" Tyler asked.  
"If you're depressed then people sometimes say that you're feeling blue. Feeling blue means feeling down, and that's what the psych sessions hope to overcome."  
"Green is envy."

"Yeah, that's right, but let's not get confused. For this timetable, green is free time. During your free time you can do whatever you want. You can have a nap, watch a movie in the common room, watch a movie in your bedroom, socialise, go in the garden with Jenna or Josh or a member of staff, or there's a physical therapy room which is always free so you can practice what you did in your session. Whatever you'd like, you have the green light."  
"Awesome."  
"And that's all the colours, any questions?" Dr Stamper asked, but Tyler fumbled and picked up the signal card she had given him earlier, then held up the green side proudly with a grin.

"Good, and how about Jenna and Josh?"  
"Will he be having any occupational therapy?" Jenna asked.  
"Eventually yes, but that's something we'll look into when we're getting closer to discharge, alongside activities of daily living. For now it's more beneficial to focus all physical energy into pure physical therapy."  
"Thank you."  
"Um, could I get all those colour prompts again please?" Josh requested, notes open on his phone ready to record them all down.  
"Of course, red Rani, yellow yelling, oranges at orange, pink haired Adam, silver school, feeling blue and last but not least, green light."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh sat back in the chair, spinning an unlit cigarette across all his fingers subconsciously. The little habit had become natural to him since he had started smoking heavily again, and he hardly noticed when he was doing it anymore.

112 days. 16 weeks. 4 months.

He looked back down at what he was supposed to be concentrating on, but continued to twirl the stick. He was sat alone on a row of seats in the viewing area above the central physical therapy room for the hospital. Approximately 2 metres below him, Tyler was having his 7th session in 5 days.

Tyler loved Silver Oaks, every single time Josh saw him, he was smiling ear to ear - and Josh saw him a lot. In spite of his intentions, he'd visited every day.

Jenna was staying in accommodation provided by the centre so she was only ever a corridor away from Tyler, whereas Josh was having to make the 40 minute journey every morning and back every evening. But he didn't mind too much, it was fairly scenic and gave him a good opportunity to take some time out and process things. The days of sleeplessness, panic attacks and constant anxiety were thankfully behind him. Although things weren't perfect, they were better. And the same could be said for Tyler, Josh thought to himself.

"Hope you're not planning on lighting that," a voice said from behind, and he turned to see Jenna standing and stroking her 6 month bump.  
"Just a habit," he smiled, sliding the cigarette back into his pocket. She smiled in return, then wandered slowly round the row of chairs and stood by the glass balustrade, looking at her husband.

"How's he doing?" Josh asked, standing next to her and knowing that she had been with him for the first half of his session.  
"Really well bless him, really really well," she nodded proudly.  
"That's our Tyler," he smiled, resting his hand on hers against the barrier.  
"That's our Tyler," she agreed, then removed her hand from his and instead pulled him into a hug.

"You okay?" Josh asked, resting his chin on top of her blonde hair.  
"He is happy, isn't he?"  
"Jenna he's the happiest I've ever seen him,"  
"But you think it's real? Or do you think it's the injury?"  
"A bit of both probably," he told her honestly. "But just think Jen, he's getting better by the day, the injury is having less and less of an impact on him, and yet he's still equally as happy. That's real."  
"Yeah," she sighed against his chest. Josh continued to hold her until suddenly he felt her bump kick against his torso.

"Aha wow, was that Darcy?" Josh asked in amazement, letting her go.  
"Yeah, little soccer star," she smiled, going back to stroking her.

"JENNA!" They heard Tyler call from the training area below, and they both peered over the bannister and waved at him.  
"Hey baby!" She called back.  
"I'm here now!" He told her with a grin, pointing to the piece of equipment that Rani had moved him to.  
"We're watching Ty, smash it man!" Josh yelled at him, and Tyler gave him a thumbs up then turned back to face Rani in his wheelchair.

"Should've seen how happy he was last night J," Jenna said, them still facing Tyler but talking more quietly again.  
"What happened?"  
"Sophie made cookies at home and brought them in, his face lit up."  
"Aw that's nice of her,"  
"Yeah, she's great with him. They all are," she smiled, watching Tyler begin the newest exercise below them.

"How's the reading and writing guy? Tyler said that he was quite strict with him."  
"Adam?"  
"Yeah,"  
"I like him, reckon he'll be good for Tyler. He's firmer than the rest but nothing unreasonable, it's sort of refreshing in a way. Talks to him as if there's nothing wrong."  
"Yeah that's good,"  
"He said that writing is unlikely with his right hand but in the future there might be potential to retrain his left hand to be dominant. And if there are more improvements then he'll start teaching him on a laptop soon." Jenna told him.  
"So he's making improvements?"  
"Yeah, Adam said that it's not that Tyler can't read the words, it's just that he doesn't understand them; he can be taught that again it just takes time."  
"As everything seems to," Josh noted.

"4 months today you know."  
"I know," Josh sighed, "Great job Ty!" He called down to his friend, who turned and grinned.  
"Dr Stamper said that 6 months is a good show of how things will turn out in the long run."  
"Yeah, well two months is a long time, just think how much he's improved in the last two. I'm sure that'll carry on and he'll be back up and running around causing trouble soon." Josh told her, not entirely sure how honestly he believed himself but trying to trust his head rather than his gut instinct.

"Yeah," Jenna nodded.  
"Right, if you're alright then I'm gonna go for a smoke."  
"Aren't you supposed to be quitting?" She smiled as he picked up his jacket from the chair.  
"I am quitting, kinda,"  
"As in you'll start tomorrow?"  
"Hey I've started!" He complained, rolling up his sleeve to reveal the nicotine patch.  
"Yeah yeah J, we both know you wear them and still smoke just as much as you did before,"  
"Not entirely true, down to 20 a day," Josh defended himself, jacket on and ready to go.  
"Oh, only 20!" She said sarcastically. "No I'm joking Josh, it's hard I know. But if you need me to get involved and help you then I'm more than happy to."  
"You wanna help?"  
"Yep, gimme your pack,"  
"Why?" Josh asked cautiously.  
"Just gimme," she said, and he fished the new box out of his pocket and placed it in her hand. She unwrapped it and opened the top, then removed one cigarette and gave it back to him.

"Today you're having 19 a day,"  
"Yes ma'am,"  
"Oh and Josh, give me that spare one you were fiddling with earlier. You're not cheating me on day 1,"  
"You're gonna be the death of me," he grumbled with a smile before shoving his hand back in his pocket and giving her the extra one.  
"Go on, enjoy," she told him and he walked out and headed to the designated smoking area.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

3 weeks after Jenna began micromanaging Josh's smoking, he was down to 14 a day. At least that's what she thought. Her method was simple, he was allowed 19 for 3 days, then 18 for 3 days, then 17 and so on. And it only took Josh 3 days to give in, to start buying another pack and to stash them in his bedside table to soothe those late night cravings.

He wasn't particularly ashamed or disappointed in himself, Jenna and Tyler were happy, he was happy, win win. The only thing he wasn't so pleased with himself over was the recent habit of smoking in bed.

Despite the walk to the fire escape balcony only being 10 seconds max from his bed, he'd recently opted to stay under the sheets and use an empty scotch glass he'd coincidentally left behind as an ashtray. Usually he could put off the morning urges until he was in the car on the way to Silver Oaks, but the evenings always ended with a final few to finished the day.

A few embers had fallen and singed the sheets, but Josh wasn't particularly bothered - it wasn't as if any girls were gonna see it anytime soon. However he'd had a particularly exciting evening the previous week when he accidentally nodded off and touched the lit cigarette to the pillow next to him. Turns out that single malt was not a good fire extinguisher for him to grab and throw on the flames, and Josh had to pop to the store and by a new set of pillow cases before visiting Tyler the next day.

Tyler was doing great. There was no other way to put it, he was doing truly amazing. He'd 'graduated' his speech therapy, this therapist saying that his speech was beyond recognition to the stammering and slurring patient he had been admitted as. To celebrate his graduation, he had recited King Henry V’s St. Crispin’s Day speech from the Shakespeare play by heart to a room full of nurses and therapists. Although he had to recite because he was still unable to read, it was still overwhelmingly impressive. Jenna had cried, and Josh guessed he probably would have done the same if he had understood what any of it meant. But his best mate's old personality was coming through again, and that was enough for Josh to sleep at night.

"Josh,"  
"Mmm?" He hummed, looking up at his friend in the hospital bed next to him.  
"Whatcha thinking about?" Tyler asked, smiling softly at him.  
"I was just wondering what it would look like if two T-Rexs were wearing plate armour and trying to fight each other with little swords and shields that they held in their hands, and then that got me thinking about how those swords and shields would actually be huge. They'd look small because of the proportions of a T-Rex, but compared to any normal human weapons they'd be gigantic."  
"So just the normal?"  
"Yep," Josh said with a laugh.

"Did I tell you about the dream I had last night?"  
"No, go on,"  
"I was walking along a sleek stairway carved into the side of a vertical mountain side, it was raining heavily and the rock was black, only the occasional lightning bolt illuminated the narrow steps. Beneath me the sea foamed at the edge of the stone wall. And then I slipped and fell." Tyler told him.  
"Haven't you had that one before?"  
"Yeh. What do you think it means?"  
"Well you know me Ty, I think that dream analysing is hella dumb because if dreams meant things then apparently I'm going to get eaten by a hamburger according to mine last night." Josh replied, but could tell that Tyler wanted more. "But I think that you can look for a deeper meaning if you want, just don't take it too seriously. You shouldn't let some inference impact your thoughts or actions too much."  
"Mmm," Tyler listened, nodding along. "And what inference did you make?"  
"Stop falling off stuff," Josh smiled, and Tyler smiled too.

"I'm never going more than a metre above the ground ever again. When's Jenna coming back from lunch?" Tyler quickly moved on.  
"She said about 1.10, so in time for your session with Adam."  
"How long's that?"  
"You tell me," Josh told him, pointing to the clock on the wall. He watched as Tyler looked at it, pure concentration on his face, before eventually sighing and looking back over to Josh again.  
"I don't know,"  
"Yes you do,"  
"I'm tired Josh,"

"Come on we'll do it together. What time is it now?"  
"12 o clock,"  
"And how many minutes?"  
"95,"  
"There's 60 minutes in an hour remember, not 100, but you're right that it's 5 minutes to."  
"5 minutes to 12."  
"5 minutes to 1, or alternatively 12.55 - they mean the same."  
"Yeah," Tyler murmured.

"So how long until 1 o clock?"  
"5 minutes,"  
"Perfect, and how many minutes past 1 is Jenna coming back?"  
"10,"  
"Yeah," Josh nodded. "5 add 10?"  
"15, she's back in 15 minutes,"  
"Uh huh, well done,"  
"Hardly say it was done well,"  
"But it's a massive improvement nevertheless, you couldn't even look at a clock without feeling sick a fortnight ago; you're relearning literally everything Ty, I think it's fair enough that you sometimes get muddled up between units measured in 60s and measure in 100s. Don't be too harsh on yourself."

 _Jenna: Is Ty okay? x_  
_Josh: Yeah he's fine_  
_Jenna: I've bumped into an old friend from work and she doesn't know about what's happened but she got me talking. Is it okay if we go and get coffee together? Ask Ty as well because I'll do whatever he wants x_

"Ty,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Jenna just texted me saying that she's met a friend whilst getting lunch, is it okay if they get coffee together or would you feel better if she came back?"  
"Um, I uh, will you come to my session with Adam?"  
"Course mate," Josh nodded, knowing that Tyler would prefer Jenna with him but not knowing whether he would actually say it.  
"Thank you, and tell her to have a nice time,"

 

  
For some reason, Josh couldn't stop staring at Adam's pink hair. He had had pink in the past, Adam's wasn't particularly bright or outrageous, there was nothing that enticing about it after the initial shock, but he couldn't stop staring. Josh wondered whether maybe his mind had formed some sort of fucked up link, it was doing that a lot recently, and he was one step behind desperately trying to work out what it was. Maybe Adam's pink hair was taking Josh back to when he had pink hair, when things were better, when Tyler was better. Maybe he was just envious, his brown had regrown and only tinges of red colour remained on the very tips. Josh didn't know, but it was getting under his skin and completely distracting him from Tyler's session. He shook himself and tried to tune back in.

"Alright that was mostly good." Adam nodded and Tyler smiled shyly. "Phonics now okay?"  
"Okay. Have I got a new one today?"  
"What do you think?"  
"Yes." Tyler nodded.  
"Yeah, you get a new one every other session. Didn't have one last time, so of course it's common sense that you have one today."  
"Okay,"

"First though let's do a recap of group 1," Adam said, and Josh saw him grab a handful of flash cards and quickly arrange them, then begin to hold them up for Tyler to sound out.  
"S, a, t, i, p, n,"  
"Okay perfect,"  
"Jenna helped me practice," Tyler told him.  
"Alright good, make sure you're practicing whenever you have spare time. That's the way you're going to progress from just about good enough to actively excelling." Adam informed Tyler whilst getting another set of flash cards, and Josh felt his protective instincts flare a little. He would have preferred it if the reading therapist had praised Tyler outright for his valiant efforts, but decided not to make a big thing of it.

"And what we've done so far from group 2,"  
"C,"  
"No Tyler, do it again,"  
"C,"  
"If it was wrong the first time, why would it be write a second time? Come on Tyler, think."  
"Adam, just..." Josh instinctively began to stick up for Tyler before trailing off.  
"Am I wrong?" Adam said, both of them looking at Josh.  
"No, but, you know, be nice to him. That guy's my best friend,"  
"J it's fine, I'm fine," Tyler said, and Josh couldn't help but smile because it was the first time Tyler had called him that nickname since the injury.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Almost 5 months after the injury, Josh felt more than a little peculiar not knowing how many days instantly, he was stood on his sister's doorstep. She had invited him round to dinner, saying that the whole family would be there and she'd appreciate his company. It had taken him a while to reply to the text, but eventually he caved.

He tapped his foot, one two three four one two three four, both impatiently and anxiously, one two three four. Anxiety was a bitch. Getting anxiety over seeing his family made Josh feel like a bitch.

Nothing bad would happen, what could possibly happen? No, no don't ask that question, don't set your imagination off Josh. Just tap, one two three four. If you can cope with the last 5 months then you can cope with dinner with your family. One two three four one two three four.

"Josh?! Oh my gosh, hi!" Ashley opened the door with a grin, Josh merely managed a shy smile until she pulled him into a tight hug and then into the house.

"Smoking again hey?" She noted, presumably due to the smell that he was numb too.  
"Uh, yeah, hi, um, good to see you," he mumbled, please don't hate me, please don't think I'm disgusting, please don't hate me.  
"You're late to the party, everyone's in the kitchen; wanna pop your jacket off and then we'll go through?" She suggested and he instantly obeyed.

"You look so different! I barely recognised you," Ashley babbled as Josh slipped off his coat silently and followed her down the hall and into the kitchen. Sure enough Josh's entire family were there, and they all looked up at him as he entered, all the eyes were on him, staring at him, they were staring at him, through him, staring and - one two three four he tapped with his hand against his thigh.

"Hey man!" Jordan exclaimed, practically jumping to his feet and waltzing over to Josh, pulling him into a hug. Josh hugged him back but felt his heart drop as he saw that everyone else had followed suit and formed a queue to welcome him. Jordan, then Andrew, then Abigail, then Dad, then Mom. They all said their version of hello but Josh was too focused on preparing to hug the next person right rather than saying hello. He tried to predict which members of his family liked to wrap both arms around his neck, which did one arm - but which arm? - up, which did both arms down. But he couldn't remember, and he couldn't remember what most of them looked like in detail.

"Are you okay?" His mom whispered into their hug, and he was finally able to focus a little because there was nobody after her.  
"Yeh," he lied.  
"Perfect timing actually Josh, dinner's ready to be served. Everyone grab something and carry it through," Ashley instructed, but Josh didn't know what needed grabbing or where it needed taking or why he felt like he was dying.

"Josh, you want a drink man?" Andrew called over his shoulder as he counted out cutlery from the drawer, everyone else filing out with dishes in hand.  
"Uh yeh please,"  
"The wife's dry at the moment so we've got soft drinks or I've got a sneaky couple of beers in the fridge,"  
"Got anything stronger? Scotch?"  
"Nah just beer, sorry mate,"  
"Beer sounds good," he tried to casually say to his brother in law, hiding his shakes.  
"Help yourself,"

"You want one?" Josh asked as he opened the fridge door and pulled out a can.  
"Nah you're alright, I've got one on the go thanks. Oh and Josh?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Thanks for coming tonight, know it means a lot to Ash and the family. Also it's good to have another guy in the house, don't get me wrong, Jordan and Bill are great and all, but nice to have you back."  
"Thanks for having me,"  
"You wanna head to the bar after dinner like we used to?"  
"Uh maybe, I um, I might have to go check on Tyler, we'll see." Josh said, desperately trying to come up with an excuse not to. He had no idea why every fibre of his being was screaming to escape the situation, but he needed to get out.

"You coming?" Andrew prompted him and he snapped back to reality, seeing his brother in law leaving the kitchen to follow after his family.  
"Oh, yeah," he nodded, picking up his beer and walking to the dining room.

Ashley and Andrew's dining room had been the host of informal dinner parties every week since they bought the house two years ago, but Josh barely remembered the last one he had attended almost half a year ago. The oval table had a bowl of spaghetti, a bowl of Bolognese sauce and a green salad in the middle, and each person had an empty individual bowl in front of them.

Josh saw Andrew sit next to Ashley, leaving the only available seat between Abigail and Jordan. His breath caught in his throat at the idea of having to make small talk with his siblings who seemed more like strangers, and his mom seemed to notice his discomfort. Although it was probably pretty obvious, considering he stopped dead in the doorway.

"Jord darling move up, I wanna sit by my boy," she rescued him.  
"Hey! I'm your boy too!" He complained but obliged, swapping to sit by Abigail and making a space between him and Laura.  
"Come on sweetie," Laura beckoned him, and Josh forced himself to stagger forwards and sit next to her, but not truly relaxing into the seat.  
"You okay?" Ashley asked, the entire table staring at him expectantly.  
"Yes," Josh whispered with a nod.

"Should I serve up, Andrew?" Laura announced, standing up and immediately taking Andrew's bowl and the spaghetti tongs. Josh was grateful that she took the attention off him but that didn't mean he was anywhere closer to behind relaxed. He needed a smoke.  
"Be right back," he whispered then immediately stood up and borderline jogged out of the room.  
"Josh!" She called after him but he was already down the hallway and out the front door.

He fumbled and left the door on the latch but pulled it behind him and instantly crouched down on the grass, hand running through his hair. The other reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, and before he realised what he was doing he had pressed Tyler's number to call him. He heard the robotic voice reminding him that the phone line had been cancelled and suddenly he felt like crying.

He was about to have a panic attack and Tyler wasn't there to talk him through it.

"Joshua darling what's going on?" He heard his mom say and felt her hand on his back but his eyes were squeezed closed. "Josh, stand up sweetie,"  
"Mom," Josh wheezed, unable to catch his breath or stand.  
"I'm here, come on, eye contact, you're okay," she said softly, rubbing his back as he struggled and failed to hold back the panic. "Josh, take your hands off your neck and hold mine," the woman instructed and Josh shakily obeyed.

"Stand with me? Keep looking at me, that's it, stand darling,"  
"I can't breathe,"  
"Josh, can you stand or do you need to sit on the grass?"  
"I can't breathe,"  
"Sit with me sweetie, we can sit on the grass for a minute if it's going to help." She said and Josh felt her pull him off his crouched feet and onto his butt on the slightly damp lawn, sitting next to him and wrapping one arm around his shoulder.

"This is just anxiety, you're not going to die, you're going to be okay Josh. Listen to me darling, ground yourself - will running your hands through the grass help?"  
"I can't do this,"  
"Yes you can, come on, deep breaths, you're okay,"  
"I'm not," Josh shook his head repetitively, unable to stop once he started. "I'm not okay I'm not okay I'm not okay I'm n-"  
"Josh stop it. You can get through this,"  
"Mom I can't breathe,"  
"Tell me what you need now,"  
"Tyler," Josh said tearfully.  
"Is he well enough to call?"  
"He can't cope,"

"Okay well listen to me darling, do your counting thing yeah? It helps right? Tap out the sets,"  
"Can't,"  
"Yeah you can, one two three four," Laura tried to help, holding him tightly and tapping along to the numbers.  
"One two three four," Josh copied shakily. "One two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four,"  
"You're doing such a good job, I'm really proud of you J,"  
"One two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two three four one two." Then he stopped.  
"Not finishing the set?"  
"I can't do this Mom."  
"The set? Or the dinner?"  
"Any of it, I can't do this," Josh admitted tearfully, standing up from where they were sat and pacing forwards a few steps whilst rubbing the back of his neck. He managed to pull one hand from the sore red skin he had been scratching and shoved it in his pocket, pulling out a half empty pack of cigarettes. Josh pulled one out, put the rest away then took out his lighter. He flicked it once, twice, thrice, but no luck. Part of him was tempted to scream because this was so fucking typical.

"Josh, Josh breathe, let Mom do it," Laura said, taking the cigarette and the green lighter and putting the two together until it glowed.  
"Thank you," he whispered, taking it off her and immediately filling his lungs with the smoke.  
"You don't have to go back in, we can go for a walk or back to your apartment or to see Tyler and Jenna. It's up to you,"

"I don't know what to do Mom," Josh cried between drags.  
"You don't need to decide now baby, just finish your cigarette first."  
"No, not about the dinner, about it all. What do I do?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Tyler starts gait training tomorrow."  
"That's a good thing isn't it? Means he's going to learn to walk?"  
"It should be good but I'm so fucking fucked up-"  
"J," she warned.  
"I'm so fucked up that I've managed to make it all about me and completely terrify myself about what happens next. He learns to walk, and then what? Then he's ready to go home and this all comes to an end and honestly I don't even know who the fuck I am other than the loved one of a brain damaged schizophrenic." Josh spat before inhaling smoke desperately.

"You'll still be his friend, he'll still need you once he's home."  
"He doesn't need me. He needs help, professional help, and he needs support from a loved one, Jenna, he doesn't need me. I don't need to be there, and yet I can't be anywhere else. Mom I tried so hard to stay away but I can't, I need to be at his hospital bedside because it's the only thing I know. I mean for fuck sake, I can't even look at my own fucking family without having a fucking panic attack!"  
"Josh it's been an emotional half year, it's normal for that to have taken a toll on you."

"Whilst he's still inpatient I can still visit him everyday, but when he goes home, then what? I can't just turn up at his house everyday. Him and Jenna, they'll want time to settle and then they'll want privacy and then the baby will come and they've got their family and I'm left with nothing. They've got each other and I've got nothing."  
"That's not true,"  
"Yes it is! I've lost my fucking job, lost my girlfriend, lost my relationship with my family, lost who I am. One day soon this is all suddenly going to stop and then I'll have literally no reason to wake up everyday and that fucking terrifies me because I know what happens next, I've seen Tyler go though it enough times. Mom I'm going to fucking fall apart. And this feels like rock bottom, having a panic attack in my sister's garden because of fucking spaghetti, but things are only going to get worse. Tyler's getting better and yet I fucking know that I'm going to get worse."

 

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

 

"Josh,"  
"Uh huh?"  
"Do you mind passing me my cardigan?" Jenna asked, and Josh nodded. He stepped back from the glass balustrade and waltzed over to where Jenna's jacket was, then walked across to the seat where the pregnant woman was sat and passed it to her.  
"Thank you,"  
"S'okay," he said quietly then began walking back to the glass balustrade to watch Tyler in the physical therapy gym below.  
"J, will you just sit with me a minute?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah okay,"  
"Thank you," she smiled as he sat beside her.

"You okay?" He asked, settling down in the plastic viewing seat.  
"Yeah, ankles are swollen beyond belief so Ty is refusing to let me stand with him," she smiled, putting on the jacket. "But otherwise I'm good, you?"  
"Yeah I'm well, he's doing great."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, not walking or anything but they almost got him standing independently with the harness quite a few times."  
"No no not Ty, I meant you, are you sure you're well?"  
"Yeah,"

"You've been off all morning, even Ty picked up on it."  
"What did he say? Was he upset?" Josh panicked, feeling guilty already for worrying his friend. Tyler didn't need Josh's stress as well as his own, it was selfish and Josh was selfish and he was fucki-  
"Josh breathe," Jenna said, taking hold of his forearm. "Ty's worried and now I am too, did something happen last night at Ashley's?"  
"No,"  
"What's going on?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Josh you can tell me,"  
"I need a smoke," he told her shakily, standing up.

"Josh." She said, grip still on his forearm and stopping him walking away. "Is it the weaning off the cigarettes? Am I moving too fast?"  
"Let me go,"  
"Tell me what's wrong and I will."  
"Jenna you're 7 months pregnant, you can't seriously think you're gonna stop me. Let go or I'm going to hurt you." He spat and she retracted her arm, looking hurt already. "And by the way your little scheme is bullshit, I smoke when I'm home genius."

 

  
Josh had no idea what was wrong with him and why he had snapped at Jenna, he was a little hungover but not enough to rationalise his response. He sighed and sparked up a fifth cigarette, not sure what the Hell was going on in his mind or how exactly to stop it.

"Excuse me," he heard a woman's voice say, and he looked up to see another patient stood about 2 metres back. The woman also had a brain injury but could walk with the aid of two crutches at a slow and unsteady pace.  
"Oh sorry," Josh immediately apologised, standing up so that she could have the bench he had previously been sat in the middle of.  
"I'm disabled but I can share a bench," she smiled, and Josh sat down to the side embarrassed. "No I was just gonna ask if you had a spare cigarette?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah course." He nodded. As he fished out the box from his pocket, the woman sat beside him and rested her crutches against the arm of wooden seat.

"I'm Caitlyn by the way,"  
"Josh. I'm a friend of Tyler's, room 8?"  
"Yeah yeah I know him, I'm room 2, we've got a couple of group sessions together." She explained and Josh passed her a cigarette. "I can share a bench but I can't light up, do you mind?"  
"Oh course, sorry," he said, embarrassed again. He took it back and flicked the lighter till it caught, then held the stick to it until it caught too.  
"Thanks," she smiled, taking it back and putting it in her mouth shakily.

"You're still a nervous Nellie around us injured folk you know," Caitlyn laughed after her first drag.  
"Am I? Sorry,"  
"Here we go again, apologising," She laughed again.  
"Sorry,"  
"Stop!" She giggled at him again and he smiled a little awkwardly, knocking the ash from his half smoked cigarette.

"I've, uh, I've never seen you out here before," Josh broke the silence.  
"That's because I'm being rebellious today, breaking hospital patient smoking rules, gone rogue."  
"Should I be taking you back?"  
"Like to see you try," Caitlyn smirked. "Nah I'm a 100lbs 5ft 2 stroke victim, I'm pretty damn sure you could drag me back to that hospital but I warn you now, I would be kicking and screaming."  
"I'm not gonna force you to do anything."  
"I'm joking, calm down."  
"Been hearing that a lot recently," he sighed, leaning forward on his knees and rubbing his face with his hands.

"Sorry, forget I said that." Josh back-pedalled.  
"Nah it's alright, you know what they say, strangers who smoke together share each other's life problems with each other."  
"Who says that?" He asked doubtfully.  
"Churchill." She nodded. "Fact."  
"You're an idiot," Josh couldn't help but smile.  
"Hey! I'm not an idiot! I just have difficulties, you know, since the stroke," Caitlyn seemed hurt.  
"Shoot sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry,"  
"Haha got you!" She grinned and Josh sighed and shook his head disapprovingly. "But hey, that's a bit better, less of the nervous Nellie, just so happens that that means more insulting the brain damaged. Great going Josh."  
"There's no winning with you," Josh groaned.  
"Yep pretty much." She laughed.

"So go on then, what do people keep telling you to calm down over?"  
"I dunno," he lied, stubbing the cigarette out and starting a new one.  
"You're a chainsmoker? That's hot."  
"Yay lung cancer," Josh smiled sarcastically as he put it between his lips.

"What's your deal then? I've known you like 30 seconds and you haven't spilled your deepest darkest secrets and life story to me yet - that's unheard of for a Caitlyn Cooken Conversation."  
"Well what's your deal?" Josh countered.  
"I'm super special, like a precious gem or a pikachu. I was born with this super rare genetic condition called Sneddon Syndrome, got it from me Mammy, and it basically screwed up some enzyme which caused abnormalities in my blood vessels. So basically when I was teenager I used to have seizures and mini strokes, and now, aged 26, I've had my first proper grown up stroke. Been chilling with my homies here at Silver Oaks for the last 4 months and I'm hoping to be heading home by the end of this one."  
"Sorry to hear that, but uh, good for you."  
"Nah don't be sorry, pity's worse than calling a disabled girl an idiot." She smirked at him and he shook his head again.

"Your turn."  
"Urrmm, well my best mate jumped off a roof and I have an unhealthy obsession and serious boundary issues so I sit and watch him for 12 hours a day."  
"Wow, living the party life style."  
"Ain't no party like a Silver Oaks party-"  
"'cause a Silver Oaks party don't stop." Caitlyn joined in with a smile. "Is it a gay thing?"  
"Nah, he's got a wife and I'm boringly straight."  
"Oh she's the duck woman right?"  
"Duck?"  
"Yeah she waddles everywhere, walks worse than half of the patients in gait training."  
"Ah yeah, she's pregnant."  
"Well duhh," Caitlyn rolled her eyes.

"My cigarettes done, mind putting it out for me?"  
"Not a problem," Josh smiled, taking it from her and pressing the butt against the side of the trash then throwing it in. "Want a second?"  
"Nope but I want your number," she grinned confidently.  
"Um, do you have your phone? Or I could, wait, I've got a pen in my pocket." He hummed, digging around in his pocket before pulling it out. "Can I write it on your hand?"  
"Course, it's numb so press as hard as you like."  
"Haha okay," he smiled, then scrawled the numbers onto her pale extended hand.

"Thanks, but I better head back in before Dr Stamper grounds me." She decided, getting her crutches and sliding her arms into them.  
"Want me to walk you back?"  
"You can walk WITH me, but I'm not a dog," the woman laughed as she struggled to stand up. Josh couldn't resist but place a hand on her lower back and guide her up, and it worked as she began to slowly stagger away front the bench, crutches acting more like extra limbs than supports.

"So why did Ty decide it was a good idea to go and jump off a roof?" Caitlyn asked, not seeming in the least bothered by the severity of the question.  
"He was freaked out, I was there with him and it just sorta happened, he didn't plan it."  
"Freaked out over what? The baby?" She continued to dig as Josh walked slowly by her side away from the bench and towards the entrance.  
"I dunno if I should be telling you,"  
"Well he's schizophrenic right? That's what he told everyone in group therapy."  
"He did?" Josh said surprised, usually a closely guarded secret. "Uh yeh, he was before the coma, they haven't finished the report of the assessment yet so we dunno if he still is."  
"Fingers crossed." She smiled as he opened the unit door for her.

"Are you gonna go back to lover boy now?"  
"I am," Josh laughed. "He's just finished his first gait training."  
"Hope it went well, but by the way we're best friends now and I expect a visit every single day."  
"We'll see," he smiled to himself.  
"See you later," she grinned before disappearing down her corridor, leaving Josh to walk down Tyler's.

Josh couldn't help but smile at his feet as he walked the familiar route, the girl had completely flipped his mood around better than anyone else had been able to do in months. There was something about her, instant attraction. And he knew that one cigarette was in no way enough time to form a crush, but he couldn't help his heart.

His girlfriend had left him at some point, he couldn't remember when exactly, it was during the weeks after Tyler jumped. Something about him being a selfish dick or along those lines. But he had been slightly too preoccupied to give a damn, and when he came home to their apartment, all her stuff was gone. Josh had barely blinked twice, too focused on getting back to the hospital see his intubated friend.  
And now he was on his way to see his friend who was getting better, and suddenly with a girl in his heart, things didn't seem all that horrific.

He pushed open Tyler's door and saw that he was still in his wheelchair, presumably only just returning from physio a few moments ago. Jenna wasn't in the room and neither was a nurse, so it was just the two of them.  
"Hey man, how was that?" Josh smiled at him happily.  
"Josh, come here." He instructed firmly, so Josh walked over to his chair then suddenly Tyler grabbed him by the collar of his shirt with his working hand and pulled him right down to his face so that every single word he said sprayed Josh's face with spit.

"If you ever threaten my wife again then I will kill you. I will tear you to shreds and leave you to rot, do you understand me?!"  
"I didn't-"  
"She told me what you said, 'Let go or I'll hurt you', you fucking disgust me." He growled aggressively, scaring Josh a little. "I never want to see your scum face again, do you understand me?! And if I do?! Hold me to my word, you'll be the one getting hurt. I hate you."  
"Woah, Tyler Tyler, let go darling, it's okay," Sophie said as she entered the room and saw Tyler's grip on Josh's shirt.  
"I will fucking kill you, get out." He snarled as Sophie intervened, separating the two.  
"Josh can you wait outside a moment? Tyler sweetheart what's the problem?" Sophie asked but Josh had ran out of the room before he heard the answer. The door slammed shut - mostly accidentally - and he raced down the corridor and out of the hospital, only stopping to breathe once he was sat in the front seat of his car.

He was hyperventilating, he knew he was hyperventilating, and yet he was powerless to stop the rapid breaths and racing heart. It was happening again, the panic attacks were happening again. They had happened last night with his family, had happened when Tyler was comatose, had happened all through high school relentlessly to the extent where he wanted to die. Almost tried to die. Shit, he felt like he was dying.

Tyler hated him, Jenna was afraid of him, his family was disgusted by him. He'd fucked things up with the couple, fucked things up with his family, fucked things up full stop. He had told his mom he was going to fall apart when he had to leave Tyler, he just didn't know it would be so soon.

His phone buzzed and through teary eyes he looked at the message.

_Ashley: Hey, what time are you getting back from your visit today? Mom and I are really worried about you, can we swing by? x_

Suddenly Josh threw the device angrily into the passenger seat, it bounced into the footwell but he didn't give a fuck. They didn't give a fuck about him - not really - they were just checking up on him out of duty. If they gave a fuck then they'd help him when his best mate was having paranoid schizophrenic episodes that lasted days on end, they'd help when his best made jumped off the roof of his apartment block and he had to call an ambulance whilst still stood 5 stories above, watching his blood pool from his caved in skull on the sidewalk below like a landslide.

 

  
Josh had lost count after the 7th, maybe the 8th? refill of the scotch glass, but now he had lost track of where the glass was in relation to the almost empty bottle. It splashed against the side table as he missed and Josh cussed himself, maybe aloud? for wasting the precious liquid when he needed every single drop.

The amber juice sloshed against the sides of the crystal glass as Josh drunkenly attempted to guide it towards his mouth, knocking it back with a hiss. Despite drinking two bottles a week consistently, he still didn't like the alcohol. No. He didn't drink it because he liked it, he drank it because of how it made him feel. For once he felt nothing. After months of turmoil, he needed a bit of nothing.

He slouched further down into armchair, resting the glass against his lower lip and chest until he could be bothered to refill it. Teleshopping served as backing track to his slurred thoughts.

Fuck Tyler.

After everything Josh had done for him?! Seriously?! After all the shit Tyler had put Josh through, he thought it was his turn to scream at Josh?! No. No no no. No it was Josh's turn to scream in Tyler's stupid face. His stupid fucking face.

Josh knew exactly what he'd scream in that self-righteous asswipe's smug little face. You're a fucking selfish bastard Tyler! Fuck you! Fuck rooftops and fuck hospitals and fuck the fucking ICU and fuck ventilators and fuck comas and fuck doctors and fuck brain scans and fuck fucking rehabilitation, but mostly fuck you Tyler. Fuck you. Nobody fucking made you jump off my roof, you fucking selfish bastard. You have things so fucking easy. You got to fucking sleep for 10 weeks, meanwhile some of us were going through fucking Hell! Torture! You fucking tortured me you piece of crap - and now suddenly you get to attack me?! Hell no. HELL NO. FUCK YOU TYLER JOSEPH!

He laughed to himself, imagining Tyler's stupid face crinkling up as he was showered with Josh's spit. The thought of Tyler upset was the happiest Josh had been all afternoon, and he celebrated by unscrewing the cap of the scotch and giving himself a half glass.

Whatever voice in the back of his mind that had told him he needed Tyler was wrong, so fucking wrong, and at last it was silenced by the drink. As if Josh gave a fuck about some cripple! All his adult life he had acted like Tyler's bitch, he'd say jump and Josh would say how high and he was fucking sick of it. Josh wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of begging for forgiveness, which, by the way, he didn't need to do because he did nothing wrong. Tyler was wrong, so fucking wrong, and he needed to get his head out of his ass and also find himself a new friend to boss around. He was done, so fucking done.

"Josh darling? Are you in?" He heard a woman's voice call from the hall and his mind slowly made the link that the sound he had heard a moment earlier had been that very same woman opening his front door that he had forgotten to lock.

"Oh there you are sweetheart," she smiled and Josh resisted a groan at the sight of his mother and sister.  
"Josh are you drinking?!" Ashley exclaimed.  
"You're a, a, you'reafucking genius," Josh hissed, pissed off by her stupidity and blatantly patronising tone.  
"Okay you've had enough Joshua," his mom informed him and tried to ply the bottle from his grip but he held it tight. "Joshua."  
"Fuck you."  
"Josh! Don't talk to Mom like that!"  
"Fuckyou too, both ofyou, ge-the-fuuck ou of my house!" He slurred aggressively.

"If you put it down then I'll light a cigarette for you." Laura attempted to barter with him but Josh simply sipped from the almost empty litre bottle.  
"J stop! Please," Ashley pleaded but Josh didn't give a fuck. What fucking good would it do to stop? Would it make Tyler less of a fucking dick? Would it unwind the last 6 months? Would it finally end that repeating loop of Tyler falling falling falling then splat, sidewalk decorated red to the anthem of screams.

"Did something happen baby? Did you have another panic attack?" His mom asked, crouching down opposite him like he was a fucking child.  
"Tylersafuckingdick, and, a-and, andineverwannaseehisstupidfaceagain."  
"What was that about Tyler darling? Is he okay?"  
"Whythefuck doyou care?! Every-e-everyone cares about him! What about me?! He, he, he's a dick! He's selfish and, he's selfish and ungrateful and spoiled and I hate him!" Josh almost screamed, and both Laura and Ashley were a little taken a back.

"Okay Josh, Josh darling look at me. Tyler isn't selfish, he's sick. It's not his fault he was having a hard time and it's not his fault he jumped. Also, J look at me, also it's not his fault about the coma or the symptoms of the injury or the time in hospital. It's not his fault he's sick, but it's also not your fault you're sick either. J I think you're sick again, I think everything from high school is back and nobody's to blame but now we need to help you make things better again. The panic attacks, the anxiety and the depression, we'll get you some help darling."  
"I, I, I don't need help! I need you to g-get out of my flat!!"  
"We're not leaving sweetheart, come on, let me take this." Laura said, finally able to snatch the bottle from between his fingers. Josh sulked as she put it on the side table out of his reach, but he got angry when Ashley picked it up and walked over to the kitchen which was visible from his armchair and poured it down the sink.

"You fucking bitch!" He yelled, standing up but needing his mom to steady him as the world span.  
"Come on darling, come on, look at me, we're gonna sober you up and calm you down."

 

 

"Do you remember the last time I did this?" Laura asked softly, moving the streaming jets of water to wash away more of the shampoo bubbles in Josh's hair.  
"Uh huh," he confirmed, barely able to focus on his mom's voice over the sound of the shower and the 100 other thoughts racing through his mind.  
"Think how far Tyler's come hey? Last time I washed your hair he was on the breathing machine and in intensive care, and now he's talking and sitting and starting to walk again too. So much has improved, so that's good yeah?"

"Mom,"  
"Yes darling?" She said gently, running a hand through his wet locks and ruffling to find any hidden lotion.  
"Why, why do I always do this? Why can't I just control myself?"  
"The drinking?"  
"Jenna. Last time you did this it was because I got thrown out by security for screaming in her face. This time I threatened her and got thrown out by Tyler. I, I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't do it, I know that um, I know that Tyler would kill me if I hurt her, so why do I always do it? I know what I have to do to stay in people's good books, which is what I want, so why don't I just do that? Why do I always do the opposite of what I want to do?"

"I think that there's more than one answer to that J. Firstly I think today was a misunderstanding, you weren't threatening her, simply warning her for her best interest that you were in a frustrated mood. And I think that's part of the problem, this frustrated mood you were in this morning and you were in last time you got angry at Jenna. These past 6 months have been a complete rollercoaster with some truly horrific lows and then some amazing highs relative. All these emotions swirling around combined with uncertainty about the future and a complete lack of structure to your day is basically everything the psychologist said was bad for you when you were in high school. And also Josh? You're human. You're not perfect, you make mistakes, but that's okay. I know that you don't want to hurt Jenna and if you did then that would be unacceptable, however I understand why sometimes it's hard for you to always stay in 100% control of what's coming out of your mouth with all those overwhelming thoughts crammed inside your mind alongside the correct thing to do."  
"Yeh,"

"But listen darling, okay?" She said, shutting off the water and making eye contact with him. "You're not alone in this. I know it may have felt like that recently and I am sorry, but I promise you Josh that I am here to love and support you through every single day of your life and that's a guarantee. I'm going to help you get back up on your feet, help you properly with the drinking and the smoking, get you a job so you have a reason to get up every morning, get you some medication again to help with the panic attacks, and if you aren't strongly against it then I would love to get you a therapist again. It's going to take time, but I have all the time in the world to piece my baby back together again."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

"Have you got everything you need J?"  
"Yeh," he nodded to his mother stood in the doorway of his childhood bedroom.  
"Can I get you anything?"  
"No thank you,"  
"Sure?"  
"Honestly Mom, I've got everything."  
"Okay darling, do you want to join Dad and me for dinner tonight?"  
"What is it?"  
"Buffalo chicken sliders, just like I used to make when you were a kid."  
"Did you do that specially for me?" Josh asked.  
"Yes sweetheart, but I won't be disappointed if you decide you'd rather stay in your room tonight." She replied and Josh felt flattered rather than guilt tripped.  
"Thanks Mom, uh yeah, yeah I'll eat, but just the three of us?"  
"Just the three of us. 8pm sound good?"  
"Yeah, thanks again,"  
"Thank you for being brave handsome, I'll see you at dinner." Laura smiled, then pulled the door closed on his childhood bedroom and left him alone on his bed for the foreseeable future.

After Josh had sobered up and calmed down, he had agreed with Ashley and his mom that being alone was doing him no favours, so he packed a case with a few change of clothes and drove to his parents’ house the next day. It was weird being back in his old bedroom, the band posters removed from the wall but otherwise unchanged, and Josh took a moment to roam around.

As he stood up from the bed, same charcoal comforter, a floorboard creaked underneath his foot. He remembered how he had memorised which squeaked and which didn’t when he was 15 so that he could sneak out in the middle of the night to mess about in the park with friends from school. He also remembered how all those friends had one-by-one left him when the panic attacks started until it was just him crying alone under that charcoal comforter.

The room held more memories than he had expected, but one particularly stood out – losing his virginity. Josh had come to the conclusion that recently he’d been blocking out Debby from his mind intentionally, but that was no longer an option as he looked down at the bed and remembered what they had shared that night. She wasn’t just sex, she was perfection.

They met working at the same cinema as a Saturday job and he was an anxious mess but she made him happy. There was flirting and sneaking into cinema screens and stealing popcorn and having fun, and then finally a kiss in the back room. Josh was 18 and broke but he saved up all his pay cheques and managed to build up the courage, with the help of his therapist, to take her out for a fancy dinner. From there it turned into love and genuine happiness and when he moved out of this bedroom he moved in with her.

She went to medschool, trained to be a midwife, he went to college, studied marketing. It wasn’t his dream but it would put food on the table for the family he dreamt of having with her. Despite being apart for most of the day, Josh only fell more and more in love with her. Even though they were neck deep in student loans, the couple flew to Paris together when they were both 22 and danced the evenings away in the city of love.

Josh graduated and got a job in, surprise surprise, marketing. Her course was longer and the final year was mostly filled with round the clock studying, but Josh was more than happy to support her dream. There was less time for dates and trips to Paris or even eating meals together, but Josh didn’t mind as long as they were sleeping in the same bed.

They were both 25 when they moved into the apartment that Josh still lived in. Debby finally became a fully trained midwife and Josh couldn’t have been prouder. Although they hadn’t been arguing, the distance between them was soon closed and they were tighter than ever. A routine began to form to accommodate both their blossoming careers and little things like Josh leaving the kitchen light on for when she had night shifts and her packing his lunch for him when he had early meetings. It wasn’t Paris but it was real love.

Josh could still remember the day she left three positive pregnancy sticks on the counter. She was supposed to be at the hospital but actually she was hiding in the other room to surprise him as he instantly burst into tears. Crying and hugging and kissing and yet more crying was the theme of the day as Josh’s perfect life turned that much more perfect. His mother was equally as ecstatic later that week and held him tight to her chest as she reminisced on how far he had come since the days of panic attacks and self harm. And it was true, things really were looking up.

But of course things never ended well for Josh. He should have known better than to expect any differently. He should have known better than to burden Debby with his bad luck. Stillborn at 8 months.

To say Josh was angry was an understatement. He screamed at Debby, telling her she was a damn midwife and she should have fucking known that something was wrong. He screamed and screamed and she left, stayed with her mother for 3 months. Josh did what he always did when things started to spiral – made things worse by isolating himself and drinking and smoking. Habit. When she did come back, she had intentions of packing her things and leaving. However the moment she laid eyes on his deteriorating form her caring instincts kicked in and she felt she had to stick around to watch him circle the drain.

And that was what the final 18 months of the relationship were. Sticking around, putting up with each other, evolving into two strangers who happened to share a bed.

Josh hadn’t noticed the warning signs that Debby was going to leave because he barely acknowledged her existence. He knew it wasn’t her fault they lost the baby, and he accepted that it was his fault they had lost the love they once shared, he just didn’t know what to do. Tyler, a friend he had first met in group therapy when he was 18 and had been close with ever since, was getting sick again and it was easier to distract himself with saving a friend than attempt to save his relationship.

And failing to save Tyler was just another reason for Josh to fall apart.

Debby left one night but he only noticed because when he returned from another 3 day stint at the hospital the toaster was gone. Her toaster. Josh wished he could say he was upset but honestly he felt nothing. There had been no feelings in the relationship and therefore he felt no loss. Simply went back to the hospital and watched Tyler with that damn ventilator through his throat. The only time he ever felt upset was when he looked at Jenna’s bump and remembered what he’d lost.

“J, darling, can I come in? I can hear you crying from downstairs,”  
“Sorry,” he sniffed, wiping his face with his sleeve as his mom sat down on the bed.  
“No no, don’t apologise, is there anything I can help with sweetie?”  
“Make me less of a dick?”  
“Hey, don’t go calling yourself that, you’re not.”  
“I screamed at Debby when we lost the baby,”  
“Oh Josh darling,” she sighed sadly, then pulled him into a much needed hug, rubbing his back supportively.

“I know it’s been 2 years since you lost your little boy and that’s never going to feel okay, but you have to trust that time heals every wound. He’s always going to be your son whether you spend all your day thinking about him or you let yourself move on. You’re not forgetting him darling, you’re just living the life he couldn’t. He’d be proud of his daddy for pulling himself together and being okay.”  
“I never met him but I miss him,”  
“I know sweetheart, I know. I miss him too, I have a little box in my bedroom of his things, scans, socks, his birth and death certificates – would you like me to go and get it?”  
“No,” Josh shook his head tearfully.  
“Okay darling,”

“Mom she had to give birth to him, to our dead little boy, and I blamed her.” He choked.  
“Josh don’t do this to yourself. You were emotional but you had the right to be.”  
“I lost everything, she’s gone Mom, didn’t even say goodbye.”  
“You weren’t happy, neither of you were happy and I think you know that. Death, it changes people J. It’s nobody’s fault and I know that doesn’t make it any easier to accept but it’s the truth.”  
“I, I don’t know what to do.”  
“We’re gonna take things one day at a time and eventually it will work itself out I promise.”

“With Jenna the other day, I, I, snapped because I genuinely didn’t want her to get hurt, you know, i-in case she lost the baby, I’m just, I’m no good with pregnancy anymore, I never know how to act.”  
“Have you told either of them that?” His mom asked gently, still rubbing his back.  
“No,”  
“Sweetheart I think they ought to know, what happened with your boy might have slipped their mind in all the chaos recently. They’d understand.”  
“They never want to see me again,”  
“Give them time, they’ll come round.” She comforted him but he didn’t believe her, although his little baby Luke was the most pressing thought on his mind at that point.

“How far gone is Jenna?”  
“7 and a half months, Debby was 8 months and 1 week.”  
“Darling have you entertained the fact that this might be the reason behind your panic attacks? Scared about it happening again?”  
“I don’t know, maybe, possibly, I don’t know Mom.”  
“Josh listen to me, Jenna’s baby is not Luke. Luke is your son and your tragedy and your loss, and he is separate from Darcy. Darcy’s going to be okay I promise, it’s not going to happen again.”  
“But it’s not fair Mom, I loved him so much and he was the best thing to ever happen to me, then he got snatched away right in front of me. I would have done anything for that baby but there was nothing to be done. Tyler doesn’t even want Darcy, he jumped off a fucking roof because of her, how is it fair that he will get to see her open her eyes and I never got to see Luke’s. I wanted Luke, I still want Luke,” he broke down.  
“Alright baby, alright,” she hushed him, pulling him back against her chest and holding him tight as he sobbed.

“Josh it’s okay that you said that because it’s obviously been upsetting you and you needed to get it off your chest, however you can’t go around saying people don’t deserve babies. Darcy deserves the same chance at life that Luke did, regardless of Tyler’s schizophrenia. Luke didn’t pull through and that’s horrible and unfair, but that can’t be righted or corrected by anything else. It’s not a case of who is more deserving out of you and Debby and Jenna and Tyler, unfortunately these things just happen. It’s not anything you do that decides whether your baby survives, it’s just a part of life unfortunately.” She whispered softly.

“Josh do you want to visit his grave? I’ll take you.”  
“No,”  
“So what are we going to do darling? We need to deal with this sooner rather than later because every day is getting closer to the time of pregnancy you lost Luke and I know that’s going to make it harder,”  
“Therapist,” Josh decided and murmured against her.  
“Yeah? Dr Miriam again?” She asked and he nodded.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

“Josh what would you say is your biggest fear?” Dr Miriam asked, pen at the ready to scribble down his response. She had been his therapist on off for more than a decade so they didn’t need to bother with an introductory session, simply dived back in. Laura had called and thankfully she had a cancelation the next day and Josh was able to take that session. They were already 40 minutes in and he had already failed to stop 5 tears escaping as he explained what had happened since they last saw each other.

“Abandonment.”  
“What’s scary about that?”  
“Being alone, being lonely.”  
“And are you lonely now?”  
“Yes absolutely. I uh, I have nobody in my life for whom I’m their first priority. And that probably sounds selfish, wanting that from someone, but I rely on that um, that validation I suppose. If I’m worth something to someone then maybe I’m important, maybe I have a purpose and a reason to wake up in the morning. Right now I don’t,”

“So why do you get up?”  
“What I was telling you earlier, about Tyler, up until recently I was getting up to see him in hospital. I mean I know I was doing nothing helpful whilst he was in ICU but it was like a magnet, I just had to be with him. It wasn’t giving me purpose or anything like that, it was just desperation and borderline obsession-“  
“Obsession, why do you say obsession?” the therapist asked.  
“Because being with him was dominating all my thoughts, every single thing I did was surrounded by that constant thought of how long till I can be back with Tyler?”  
“So when you went home, which I know you said was rarely, was that the only thing going through your mind or was there more?”  
“Tyler’s dead Tyler’s dead Tyler’s dead, why did you leave, now he’s dead.”  
“And when you say ‘now he’s dead’, is that your mind telling you he’s dead because of you? That you caused it by leaving?”  
“No,” Josh shook his head.

“Okay good,” she hummed as she made notes. “Quickly going back to abandonment, can you think of anyone who has ever abandoned you?”  
“Oh a dozen easily,”  
“Go on,”  
“Well in high school when my anxiety got crippling to the point of not being able to function, all my friends dropped me, so that’s a dozen right off the bat.” He began, running his hand through his hair and fiddling with it. “Then there was a guy I was in college with and we got really close but when we were hanging out one day I decided it wouldn’t be a big deal if I wore shorts which showed my self harm scars. He never spoke to me again.”  
“I’m sorry to hear that,”  
“And then Luke left me 2 years ago, Debby left me 6 months ago and Jenna and Tyler left me this week.”

“In your mom’s email she said that you were struggling with the stillbirth, can we talk about that?”  
“Okay,” he nodded anxiously.  
“Let’s start softly, why did you call him Luke?”  
“From the Bible, Luke 23:43, Jesus said today you will be with me in paradise.” Josh recited, trying to stay in control of his tear ducts.  
“That’s lovely,”  
“Deb’s idea,”  
“When did you decide on it?”  
“We um, we made a shortlist before he passed away and Luke was on it, then when he stopped kicking and we were waiting in the hospital to see the doctor, she said he was a Luke and I nodded. We found out 20 minutes later.”  
“After you found out he didn’t have a heartbeat, what did you do immediately?” She asked but Josh didn’t reply, he couldn’t. Since Luke’s death all he had done was suppress. Suppress suppress suppress. If he didn’t talk about it then he didn’t have to face it and if he didn’t face it then he didn’t have to accept that it was real and his son was dead and the love of his life was gone.

“Josh, would you like to talk about Luke in another session rather than today?” Dr Miriam asked and he realised he was crying. He nodded shakily and she put down her pad of paper on the coffee table and instead extended a box of tissues towards him. With a sniff he took one and dabbed his wet cheeks.

“Sorry,” he whispered as he tried to calm down.  
“S’been a tough couple of years hasn’t it?” She said sympathetically and he nodded with more tears. “Josh I’m glad you chose to come and see me, people underestimate the importance of talking and sharing and offloading when going through life. Not just through the tougher patches, but the good times too."  
"Yeh," he listened, wiping his face again.  
"Debriefing should be a normal part of everyone's day, especially for those such as yourself who have a history of mental health issues. Have you got someone you can debrief to? Just talk about your day with?"  
"My, uh, my mom,"  
"So just talk to mom, get into the routine of getting things off your chest. It doesn't need to be about Tyler or Luke or Debby, it can be about what you had for breakfast or what you watched on the TV."  
"Okay," he nodded with a deep sigh.

"Do you miss her? Debby?"  
"Yeh," Josh admitted, pulling at the tissue between his fingers. "Not, um, not how we were towards the end, but the good times. I was thinking about it yesterday actually, when um, when we met working at the cinema? And you uh, you helped me ask her out."  
"Yeah," the therapist remembered fondly.  
"And Paris too."  
"I remember Paris, it was the first time you went away from home without a panic attack since the attacks started."  
"Yeh," Josh confirmed shakily. "I miss that, I miss having her there making me better, making me want to make myself better."

"So what makes you want to get better now?"  
"I don't know, I, I, don't even know if I do want to."  
"You asked for this appointment, what was the thinking behind that?"  
"My mom, she um, I don't think she can take much more."  
"How about you?"  
"Me? I um, I, I. Well, I've said that I can't take any more in the past, and since then my life partner has left me and my best friend jumped off a roof in front of me and spent 10 weeks unconscious, so I'm not going to jinx myself."  
"I think what you're really saying is that you're stronger than you think Josh. You thought you couldn't handle anything else, and yet you have."  
"Through smoking and drinking and sleep deprivation and panic attacks and anxiety. I wouldn't say I've coped particularly well."  
"But nevertheless you've coped. You're here today, sat in front of me, and that shows strength." Dr Miriam told him but he didn't really accept it.

"Josh," she said a minute later.  
"Yeah?"  
"How long has it been since you last self harmed?"  
"As in cut?"  
"As in anything to harm yourself."  
"Last cut was just a few weeks before I moved in with Debby, so 10 years. But then I uh, I still do some stuff when I have a bad day."  
"Such as?"  
"Well um, binge drinking to the point where I'm sick, and uh, and extinguishing cigarettes on my skin."  
"How recently was that Josh?"  
"Drank two days ago but that's been quite a regular thing since Tyler moved to Silver Oaks, cigarettes was pretty common after Luke died but so was the drinking. Yeah, that became less often just never really stopped. Like it's not a daily thing, but if it's convenient then I'll do it."

"And when is it convenient? What do you mean by that?"  
"I've um, I've always said that uh, that I'll never scar my arms. I always thought when I had children that they would ask questions that I didn't want to have to answer. Now obviously that's not an issue because I don’t want any more after Luke, but regardless I don't want to scar my arms, so if my thighs are on show then I'll do it but I won't if I'm wearing pants rather than shorts or if I'm in public."  
"So would a no smoking in shorts rule stop that?"  
"Probably,"  
"Will you try that for me Josh?"  
"Okay," he nodded, still pulling at the tissue with his fingers as she made notes.

"Can you explain to me why that was such an easy decision for you to make?"  
“Because it doesn’t help – I’ve got so much scar tissue that it barely hurts, and pain isn’t the same relief that it used to be. It’s just habit.”  
“Habit is word that’s come up a lot today, would you agree with the statement that you’re a creature of habit?”  
“Yeh,”  
“What bad habits can you identify?”  
“Well smoking obviously, then binge drinking, self harming, isolating myself, throwing myself into things without thinking about the long term impacts, not talking to my family when things get hard until the damage is already done.”  
“So not taking care of yourself?”  
“Yeah pretty much,” Josh answered the therapist.

“Josh, do you think you deserve to be looked after? To be cared about?”  
“Shit Doc, that’s deep,” he sighed with a smile, and she laughed a little.  
“Perhaps a little for a first session, but we’ve known each other for years, you know what I’m like. Can I get an answer?”  
“I think you know the answer,” he smiled, rubbing his face.  
“I think it needs to be said.”  
“No, I don’t deserve to be looked after or cared about.”  
“Because…” she prompted.  
“Because I’m the one who does the looking after, I’m the one who helps people – helps Tyler – and if I’m not even capable of that and rely on other people to keep me together then I honestly don’t have any reason to be alive. If I’m not needed by people, by Tyler, then I don’t serve a purpose on this Earth, and if I need to be looked after and cared for without holding a purpose then I’m nothing but a burden.”

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh sat in the backseat of Ashley’s car, legs bouncing nervously as they waited for Andrew to withdraw some cash from the bank before they could drive the last few hundred metres to the shop owned by his brother-in-law’s friend. Andrew’s family friend, Chuck, had a music store fairly close to Josh’s apartment and had a job opening that Andrew had lined Josh up with. Initially it was simply overwhelming, but after a night of talking things through with his mom he realised that employment was a necessary next step with regards to both practicality and his mental health.

A week had passed since Tyler had scared Josh off, and he seemed to be sticking to his word. No apology text yet – Josh was hopeful but also trying to stay realistic. If Tyler hated him then that was fine, it was fine, he was fine. Okay he wasn’t fine, but Dr Miriam and his family were working really hard and so was he, so eventually he’d be fine. Getting the job would help, come on, stay calm.

“Josh,” his sister said from the front passenger seat, turning to face him.  
“Mmm?”  
“How you holding up?”  
“Uhmm, nervous I guess,”  
“Are you gonna have a panic attack?”  
“No, I’m uh, I think I’m okay,”  
“If you want me to call Mom so you can speak to her then I can do that,”  
“I’ll, I’ll be fine, but thanks.”

“Are the meds helping?”  
“It’s only been 4 days, too soon to say.” Josh answered honestly. Dr Miriam has suggested revisiting his psychiatrist who prescribed him both anti anxiety and depression tablets for the morning and sleeping tablets for night. Josh was very aware of the fact that his mother had immediately decided to keep the medications under her control because, in her words, it was the safest option. He knew what that meant, and he also knew that there was a chance she was right. Suicide wasn’t on the top of his list, but nevertheless it was on the list.

“Oh there he is,” she smiled as she caught sight of her husband crossing the road back from the bank and he opened the driver’s seat and climbed in.  
“Ready?” he asked with a smile as he plugged in.  
“Yeh,” Josh nodded more enthusiastically than he truly felt.

 

“Chuck! Hey buddy,” Andrew grinned as they entered the store, and a 60-something year old man turned round with a smile and walked around the counter to hug him. Chuck had been a friend of Andrew’s dad who had taught him football all through school and it was a weird but amazing friendship.  
“Drew, wow, how the Devil are you?”  
“Great thanks, yourself?”  
“Good, me too me too, and Ashley you look lovely as always.” He smiled at the woman who blushed.  
“Thank you Chuck,”

“And that’s her brother Josh, the one I was telling you about.”  
“Josh, it’s a pleasure to put a face to the name. Want to follow me through and I’ll show you round where you’re gonna be working?” The man said warmly as he shook his hand.  
“Are you guys going to stay here for the interview?” Josh asked Andrew and Ashley.  
“Interview? Nah there’s no interview son, you’ve got the job.” Chuck told him, shocking him slightly.  
“Oh, right, thank you,”  
“Josh we’ll go wait by the 60s rack, look after him Uncle Chuck.” Andrew said then went hand in hand with his wife round the corner, leaving Josh with his now employer.  
“Right, let’s go out the back to start,” he lead the way with a hum and Josh followed.

Once they walked round the till and through a private door, Josh felt in heaven. The back room was filled with rows upon rows upon rows of vinyls, each without their sleeves but perfectly arranged in alphabetical order. The walls were papered with the band posters of his childhood and there were Oreos by the kettle. Yes, this felt good.  
“Like ‘em hey?” Chuck smiled as he noticed Josh’s admiration for the records.  
“Yeah, they’re beautiful.”  
“Well that’s lucky because you’re gonna be spending most of your days with these beauties. It’s pretty simple, the sleeves are all out front for the customers, they bring the ones they want to you and you come and get the record for them. It’s all alphabetical, so as long as you know your ABCs then you’re gonna do just fine kid.”  
“Phew,” Josh sighed jokingly, relaxing ever so slightly.

“You’re a college graduate though I hear from Drew?”  
“Yeah yeah, I um, I’ve got a masters in marketing.”  
“Wow, you could probably teach me a thing or five about running this place then,” he chuckled heartedly. “I’ll level with you Josh, this isn’t a particularly demanding job. It’s a step up from bussing tables and working the graveyard shift at a drive thru so I get a lot of students and a lot of summer job workers, but not a lot of rocket scientists if you get what I’m saying. Give the customers the right records and charge them the right amount then you’ll get your paycheck. Throw in a smile and a recommendation and you’ll get the nice shifts, and show a genuine passion for music and you’ll get a bonus. Easy.”  
“Okay,” he nodded.

“The pay isn’t huge but it’s fair game for the work, plus every employee gets a vinyl a month to take home and use for that month, then bring it back undamaged and you can switch it for another for the next month free of charge. We sell that service to our customers as a sort of library but I’ll explain the pricing a bit later on once we’re at the till.”  
“Okay thanks,”  
“Whilst we’re in the privacy of the back room, Drew explained the situation with your friend Tyler. Don’t worry about not having a reference from your old job, not an issue, and don’t worry about being out of work for so long, I’m sure you’ll get back into the swing of things pretty quickly. If you need to be at the hospital on a certain day then give me 24 hours notice so that I can arrange cover and that’s no problem. I understand there may perhaps be situations where you don’t have that much notice, but we’ll do our best to deal with that if that occurs.”  
“Thank you so much,” he smiled gratefully, not knowing whether Tyler would ever speak to him again but feeling very appreciative of the gesture.

“My mother suffered a stroke last year, so I understand to some degree how a brain injury can affect people, so my door is always open.”  
“Thank you Chuck.”

“Final thing before we continue the induction, panic attacks,”  
“Wow, he uh, he really did tell you everything.” Josh smiled shyly.  
“Haha, well he has good intentions. We get kids from all walks of life in here, you’re not my first panicker.” He smiled warmly back, “So you’re gonna get two 15 minute breaks plus a 45 minute lunch, and if you need to go and calm down then you can take your break at any point. But if you have an attack starting and you’ve got no breaks left then give me a nod and that’s fine, take as long as you need.”  
“Thank you,”  
“Medication? Therapist?”  
“Both,” he nodded.  
“Alright kid, you’ll get there eventually. If there’s anything I can do then just let me know.”  
“Thank you,”  
“How about working out the front, talking to customers, you going to be okay with that?”  
“I think so,”  
“Well we can let you try for a few days and if it’s not for you then it’s not for you, we’ll find you something else. Let’s go back to the cash desk and I’ll show you how it all works.”

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

It was 6 months after Tyler’s injury, 6 months exactly to the day. He sat on the step outside his parents’ house smoking and watching the cars drive by as he relaxed after a long day at work. So far he’d done 4 days and so far no panic attacks or major disasters. The team he worked with changed every day, Chuck explained that most of them worked 2 or 3 days a week and he was the most common now with 5 working days. In spite of that, they had their little inside jokes and their little routines and familiarities that he wasn’t a part of which of course alienated him a bit, but his mom had consistently reassured him that it wouldn’t take long to fit in. That’s what he hoped anyway.

Still no text from Jenna.

He sighed and took another drag, contemplating whether he could be satisfied with this as a life now. Living with his parents, on medication, friendless, working 10 till 6, genuinely working on cutting down on smoking and going teetotal. Was he fulfilled? No of course not. Was it better than his life spent mostly at Silver Oaks? He couldn’t decide.

“Josh?”  
“Oh, hey,” he smiled, mostly sincerely, as his mom came out the front door and sat next to him.  
“How are you darling?”  
“Long day, takes a bit of getting used to, but uh, but I think I’m gonna be okay actually Mom.”  
“I think so too,” she smiled back. “Would you like to come and help me make dinner?”  
“Yeah that’ll be nice, I’ll only take a moment to finish up here.” Josh replied, showing the cigarette.  
“Okay sweetie, no rush,”

“Who’s Caitlyn baby?” Laura asked a moment later, intriguing Josh. He turned to face her and saw his iPhone in her hand, then took it off her when she extended it to him. On the lockscreen he saw a message from an unknown number and Caitlyn introducing herself in the preview. He slid across and opened it.

_Unknown number: Hey, it’s Caitlyn Cooken from Silver Oaks (AKA your best friend in the whole world). Haven’t seen you around recently, and lover boy and duckie say that they don’t know if you’re coming back. Hope you’re alright, I miiiissss youuuu xx_

“She’s um, at the hospital with Ty,”  
“A friend of yours?” she asked and he smiled to himself. “Or more than a friend?”  
“No no, well, I dunno. I barely know her,”  
“But you like her?”  
“I, I thought I did, but I uh, I don’t think I can, after Debby and everything,” he sighed as he stared at the road ahead.  
“Josh darling she was your first love, anything that happens after that is going to feel wrong to begin with, that doesn’t mean it won’t work out in the end. And not every girl, or guy for the record, that you date has to be with the long term goal of marriage. It’s okay to date people for a few months and then decide to go your separate ways. It’s okay to take her for a date and decide that you don’t even want to try a relationship. What I’m saying is that it’s okay to experiment.”  
“I’m not bi Mom,”  
“I didn’t necessarily mean sexuality wise, but that’s okay too, I just meant relationships in general. Dip your toe in, ask her out.”  
“Nah,” Josh tried to say casually despite feeling terrified and also missing Debby tremendously.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked as Josh finished the cigarette and stubbed it out. “Obviously I’m not going to make you do anything sweetheart, but I’m curious, why not?”  
“She’s not Debby, nobody is ever going to be as special to me as Debby. She fixed me Mom, and she made me happy and helped me to do things that I never thought I would once I got ill and I wanted to be with her for every minute of every day and she made me so proud and she gave me confidence and a reason to fight and Jesus Mom she gave me a son and I love her.”  
“You love her?”  
“Still. I love her and I let her think I didn’t.” He realised.  
“Josh-"  
“I need to find her, tell her I love her, get her back,”  
“Josh darling, you’re getting excited I can tell, but you need to calm down. Remember what Dr Miriam said, let’s not make any drastic decisions whilst your meds take time to even out and you’re getting yourself back on track. Also sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re planning but you can’t just turn up at her doorstep and fix everything with I love you. What you two went through, I’m not so sure you can come back from it baby.”  
“I’ve sorted myself out.”  
“You’re in the process of sorting yourself out, you’re doing well but you’ve got a long way to go still darling.” She told him and his sudden burst of adrenaline dropped like lead and he realised she was right. He was still struggling and Debby deserved better than him, and so did Caitlyn.

”Come on sweetie, those potatoes won’t peel themselves.”

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Service with a smile. That was Josh’s goal, and he’d say he could just about crack a curl of the lips for one in four customers. Chuck had been wary about putting him on the till, understanding anxiety surprisingly well, but Josh had eventually been fully trained up and took on the role for at least an hour each shift.

The customer walking out of the door had been a lucky recipient of the rare smile, and even got some light hearted conversation from the man as he approved of their record choice. The novelty of handling records still hadn’t worn off and Josh still loved music.

“Yo Josh?” He heard his colleague call from the other side of the shop.  
“Yeah?”  
“Can you come here a sec?”  
“Yep,” Josh called back, then jogged over to where Chase was.

“It’s my nan’s birthday, do I get her Snoop Dogg’s Sexual Eruption, or Bump and Grind by R Kelly?” He asked, holding up the two sleeves and immediately failing to stifle his laughter any longer. It was contagious and Josh couldn’t help but laugh too, laughing until he had tears in his eyes and his stomach physically hurt.

“Oh my god,” Josh wheezed.  
“Sugar by Five Knives? Perfect,”  
“What??”  
“Oh my god, I know what them boys want, I know what them boys want, they just wanna taste my sugar,” Chase sang the lyrics in a ridiculously high voice that only made Josh laugh harder. “Perfect, Nan will love it, thanks mate.”  
“Happy to help,” he sighed as he calmed down and took the Snoop Dogg sleeve that Chase passed him and put it in the rack next to him.

“Listen, what time do you get off tonight?” The younger man asked.  
“I’m here till 6.”  
“Same, wanna go for a drink?”  
“A drink?” Josh echoed surprised.  
“Yeah, or is grandpa too old to remember what a bar is?”  
“Oi, I’m 28, I’m like 2 years older than you.”  
“I’m 21,”  
“Shit I’m so old,” Josh sighed with a smile.  
“We can get food instead if you want? Taco Bell and beer back at my apartment?”  
“Yeah dinner sounds good, but I uh, I don’t drink.”  
“Oh, oh that’s alright.” Chase told him with a smile to Josh’s relief. “I’ve probably got some sprite if my roommates haven’t drunk it all.”  
“Roommates?” Josh repeated, suddenly feeling uncomfortable again at the thought of more than one challenge. Going to a new friend’s house for the first time was enough anxiety for one day, he wasn’t sure he could cope with strangers too.

“Yeah I’ve got three but they’re all out of town for a couple of days, following some band on tour like a bunch of groupies.”  
“I used to do that with a friend’s band,“ Josh fondly remembered following Tyler’s band when they were both young.  
“Before the dementia?” Chase teased.  
“28 bro, not 98.”  
“Anything over 25 is gross, but I suppose you can come round so I can make sure you don’t go wandering the streets in your slippers, Gramps.”  
“Sorry, excuse me, can I get these records please?” A female customer approached them.  
“Oh sorry, course. Death Cab for Cutie, good choice,” Josh smiled at her as he took her album covers and walked back to the till.

 

_Mom: How’s it going? Are you keeping yourself nice and calm? Is he making you feel welcome? Hope it’s going well and I’m really really proud of you xxx :)_  
_Josh: So many questions! I’m fine Mom, having a really nice evening thanks. Don’t wait up for me tonight, probably be here a while x_

“Can I getcha another Red Bull mate?” Chase offered as Josh finished his can.  
“I’ve had 3, if I have another then I’ll have to run 12 miles home if I want to ever sleep again.”  
“Haha, Sprite?”  
“Go on then yeah,” Josh nodded and his new friend stood up and grabbed one from the mini fridge in the corner of the living room and passed it to him, then flopped back down on the couch next to him.

“I’m telling you man, mini fridge in the living room, best investment I’ve ever made.”  
“I’m seriously considering getting one,” Josh smiled as he opened the can and took a slurp.  
“What’s your place like?”  
“Pretty boring actually, not really to my taste in all honestly.”  
“Let me guess, girlfriend who fancies herself as an interior designer?”  
“Something like that.” Josh nodded. “But she’s gone now, guess I could finally light all those random decorative candles and drink from the decorative glasses.”  
“And get a minifridge.” Chase added.  
“Of course,” he smiled to himself.

“That girl’s gone, got yourself anyone new now?”  
“Nah, it was uh, was a 10 year relationship and yeah, only ended 6 months ago so I’m just enjoying the single life for now,” Josh sort of answered openly.  
“Shit man, that’s heavy,” Chase sighed as he opened another beer. “Married or anything?”  
“Had an engagement ring but shit happened and it never left my bedside drawer.” He replied, having planned to propose on Luke’s birthday but obviously never getting the opportunity.

“So it’s still there now?”  
“Yep,”  
“Dude flog it, use the money to buy a minifridge,” he suggested with a light-heartedness that Josh appreciated. “But seriously, whatever went down, I’m sorry.”  
“Thanks. How about you? Got yourself a girl?”  
“Gayer than Neil Patrick Harris.” He grinned and Josh smiled back.

“Had a couple of relationships but none more than a few months, nothing serious,”  
“Well you’re only young,”  
“Don’t you forget it Gramps.” Chase teased. “Nah but the gay scene in Columbus is virtually non-existent,”  
“What about Axis? That’s a gay club right?”  
“Naw check out Grandpa, knowing the clubs, cute.” He laughed playfully. “Yeah Axis is insane but my favourite is Level, wanna hit it up together one night?”  
“Oh gawd my mom would love that. Despite the fact I dated Debby for 10 years she’s obsessed with me being gay.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“I’m one of four siblings and she read somewhere that one in four kids is gay and now whenever I mention relationships she always brings up experimenting with guys.”  
“You’ll never now unless you try,“ Chase winked. “Nah just kidding, you’re not my type, too many wrinkles.”  
“Shut up, I may be ancient but I can still run rings around you.” Josh smirked and Chase laughed.

“So what do you say? Level on Saturday night?”  
“Gay nightclub? Sounds great for me. I get panic attacks in crowds, I don’t drink, and I’m straight.”  
“But other than that it’s perfect,” the younger laughed.  
“Yep,”  
“If it’s not your sort of thing then it’s alright, I’ll just find another wingman somewhere.”  
“Probably wise.” Josh nodded.

“Got any cute friends you can set me up with?”  
“If I’m honest with you Chase, I’ve not got any friends.”  
“Nonsense, what about all the folks from knitting club?” He kidded, “I’m sure you do, and besides, you got me now,”  
“Yeah,”

“How does an awesome, admittedly wrinkly, but nevertheless awesome dude like you end up convincing themselves they’ve got no friends?”  
“Best mate jumped off a roof.” Josh decided to spill.  
“Oh shit.” He seemed equally horrified and sympathetic. “I’m so sorry. How long ago did he die? If you don’t mind me asking.”  
“See that’s the thing, he didn’t die. Just over 10 weeks in a coma and almost 4 months in intensive care, and now he’s in a rehabilitation hospital.”  
“How long for?”  
“Two months so far.”  
“Fuck man. Your girl leaving you at the same time as all of this going on, that’s shit.”  
“Yeah it has been shit actually.” Josh agreed.

"What's his name?"  
"Tyler,"  
"Got an ex boyfriend called Tyler. Your Tyler, is he uh, how do I word this, what's he like? How's he doing?"  
"Physically he's uh, he struggles with some stuff but he seems to be doing amazing with physio and he's learning how to walk and that sort of thing. His speech and intelligence is just like it was before, but his personality is totally different."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah, like before it happened he was struggling with mental health and it was really crappy for both of us but we sort of stuck together yanno?"  
"Yeah, teamwork."  
"Exactly," Josh nodded,

"No matter what, at the end of the day we were there for each other and we trusted each other - which was a big deal for Ty - and we needed each other."  
"Right," Chase listened avidly.  
"But now, I dunno man, he just acts like I'm getting in the way and he's always blowing things out of proportion and he's so damn angry all the time and for whatever reason that always gets directed at me."  
"That sucks,"  
"Really sucks,"

"Do you think, and I know I'm just a random kid who knows nothing, but do you think maybe he's angry at himself and his body rather than specifically at you?" Chase suggested and Josh sighed.  
"I dunno, probably, yeah probably. It's just a big change in the dynamics of a very important friendship on top of how awful the last two years have been for me, and I can't deal with it."  
"Two years? I thought this was 6 months?"  
"I lost a kid Chase, two years ago my son was stillborn."  
"Fucking Hell Josh, you've really been through the wars haven't you? I'm so sorry mate, any kid would be lucky to have you as a dad."  
"Thank you,"

"You've been through an insane amount, I'm actually in shock that you're still a normal functioning person,"  
"Well it's been touch and go at times," Josh sighed as he rubbed his eyes.  
"That's why you don't drink?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded.  
"Shit man, you're unbelievably strong you realise?"  
"Nah, not really."  
"Seriously dude, I've got so much respect for you, like everything that's happened and you can still get up in the morning and serve customers, that's unbelievable."  
"Thanks?"  
"You're awesome,"  
"Wasn't uh, wasn't exactly the response I was expecting when I said Tyler jumped off a roof and Luke passed away," he forced a smile but surprisingly didn't find himself tearing up.

"Well it's true, and I sort of guessed that you didn't want to talk about every detail so I won't ask too many questions, but obviously if you do then that's cool too, I'll happily listen."  
"Nah, but I appreciate that, thank you,"  
"Any time," he smiled and Josh honestly believed that he would keep that offer.

"It's just a bit of baggage, everyone's got it, nothing to be ashamed of," Chase added casually. "If there's ever anything I can do then gimme a shout."  
"Thank you for even having me here in the first place, I got in this huge fight with Tyler and his wife and he never wants to see me again, and then all my other friends were either Debby's friends and hate me now, or moved on when I was grieving for Luke. Honestly, just sharing tacos means more to me than you could possibly imagine."  
"I'm gay with a homophobic family, I understand the importance of a little compassion. Whenever you wanna come round then you're more than welcome to." Chase smiled. "Plus you paid for tacos so mostly feel free to come round and do that again."

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh sat on the doorstep with his cigarette, one of only 6 he allowed himself a day. Giving up binge drinking had been fairly smooth with his mother's help and the simple fact that they'd emptied the house of any alcohol, but smoking was proving a bit more of a challenge. However Josh was up for a challenge, he had some fight back in him and was ready to put it into the task ahead.

As he breathed in the hot smoke deep into his lungs, he turned his other hand over and looked down at his nails. The bloody fingertips were healed from months of chewing, and Josh was relieved to see the regrowing nails weren't stained yellow as he had once feared they might.

His parents had gone out for the afternoon to go shopping, and it was kind of a big deal. In spite of Josh working 5 days a week, his mom was still incredibly worried about leaving him alone. She'd tuck him into bed each night and check on him every 20 minutes until he was asleep - or pretended to be - and she still kept his medication under lock and key and watched his every move for any sign of struggling. So leaving him alone, even just for a hours, was a show of trust that Josh really appreciated.

A small pile of ash fell down and Josh tapped the rest away, then checked his phone in his pocket. Although phone checking was once a habit with very little purpose, he was actually starting to receive messages again recently. The odd occasional one from Chuck either arranging shifts or simply checking things were okay, his Mom also doing the latter, then regular exchanges with both Chase and Caitlyn.

One thing he liked about Caitlyn was that she never expected or demanded any sort of explanation. If he said he wasn't going to be at the hospital then she accepted that and moved onto whatever random thing she was thinking of. Another thing he liked, she was completely and utterly insane. She could make him smile no matter what.

Then Chase, slowly but surely bringing out the fun side of him. He hadn't crumbled on the nightclub stance yet, but he had met the missing roommates and even gone out to dinner with them once. Anxiety was still an issue, although more an issue to overcome than an issue that identified and ruined him.

He watched the odd occasional cars drive past the street of their quiet neighbourhood, coincidentally looking up as a car slowed and parked on the opposite side of the street. His heart began to race but he told himself to calm down, trying to rationalise with himself that it was nothing to panic over. But with a flash of blonde hair and the curve of a pregnant belly, he knew it was Jenna that climbed out of the driver's door and walked round to the other side of the car and out of view.

Calm Joshua, breathe. You're better than last time you saw her, you can deal with this, you can cope, you're better than you let yourself believe and you can do this. It's just Jenna, breathe.

Except it wasn't just Jenna. Tyler. Tyler with a limp, Tyler with a cane, Tyler with some sort of belt that Jenna was holding him up by, but nevertheless, Tyler walking towards him.

Josh dropped the cigarette to the floor, partly due to the shakes now riddling his body and partly because who cares about a damn cigarette when Tyler was walking. He was walking. Jesus Christ he was walking.

Part of him wanted to rush down the path that Tyler was slowly making his way up and hug him and cry and hug him and cry and cry some more, but the other part didn't want him to stop walking and continue to revel in the pure amazement.

"I come in peace," Tyler began as Jenna stood beside him proudly, hand still attached to the strap around his waist and a smile on her face. Josh couldn't contain himself any longer and instantly burst into tears, burying his face behind his hand and in his knees as sobs escaped.

"I can walk but I can't lean down because I will fall straight on my butt like an upturned tortoise, but are you okay J?"  
"Yes, Jesus Christ yes," Josh nodded, immediately standing up and wrapping his arms around Tyler tighter than he had ever done before. One of Tyler's hand stayed on his cane but the other, in a brace, hugged Josh back and suddenly things were okay.

"You're walking, you're standing," he processed in shock still.  
"Can we get to a chair fairly soon?" Jenna requested.  
"Course course, sorry, didn't meant to make you stand for so long, uh, yeh, okay, follow me," Josh faffed apologetically as he opened the front door and tried to set his mind straight. He must have been frittering away as he heard Tyler laugh under his breath slightly whilst he lead the way to the living room.

Jenna helped Tyler to sit on one side of the couch via the belt then sat beside him, hand on his thigh stroking him with her thumb lovingly. Tyler smiled up at Josh and placed his walking cane between his knees, and Josh sat down on an armchair opposite and wiped away his drying tears.

"Okay first thing's first, I'm so sorry-" Tyler began.  
"No! No don't be ridiculous, I'm the one who should be apologising, I'm sorry, to both of you, I'm so sorry,"  
"What I said, I'm sorry, I take it back,"  
"So do I, honestly Jenna I'd never hurt you and I was stupid and I'm sorry,"  
"Okay boys, we get it, you're both sorry," Jenna smiled and Josh sighed with a laugh and rubbed his salty face.

"Can't believe you're here,"  
"You're my best friend, where else would I go on my first day out of hospital?"  
"How did you know I was here?" Josh asked.  
"Caitlyn told me," Tyler explained before jokingly adding, "By the way she seems to be think that you two are best friends?"  
"She's got nothing on you," he smiled.  
"That's what I told her," Tyler laughed and Jenna smiled.

"First day out of hospital then? You're discharged?" Josh asked.  
"Transitioning slowly," Jenna replied happily, still stroking her husband's thigh slowly.  
"I've been doing a couple of hours here and there, then today is my first whole day plus a night sleeping at home. Back at Silver Oaks tomorrow, but should be fully home by the end of the week if everything goes well." Tyler nodded with a smile.  
"Still going back 4 days a week for physio," Jenna added.  
"That's awesome Ty, congratulations,"  
"Thanks man,"

"And that walking, that was insane, well done,"  
"Haha thanks, the gait belt is sticking around until the end of the week then I'm just on the cane and the braces."  
"Still, awesome," Josh grinned truthfully.

"Oh and we've got three things to show you," Jenna piped up happily and let go of her husband's leg as she leant down and picked up her handbag which was by her feet.  
"Do the report first," Tyler said and she nodded and pulled out a blue file, then passed it across to Josh. He looked down at the label and saw his friend's name, then opened it up and found a thick stapled document.

"What am I reading?"  
"My full psych assessment."  
"Go to the back page," Jenna instructed and Josh did, then read the summary paragraph.

_To summarise, Tyler presents symptoms typical of anxiety and depression that are associated with traumatic brain injuries and also concur with his pre-injury diagnoses. However no evidence of schizophrenia has presented itself. This is not valid reasoning to remove the diagnosis from his current medical status and he should be reviewed every 3 months for sign of relapse, but I believe anti-psychotic medication is not required. Advisable future psychiatric treatment is limited to CBT with a high alert for schizophrenic regression._

"Tyler," Josh whispered under his breath in both shock and amazement.  
"I'm no longer insane!"  
"Oh my God, this is like the best news ever," he grinned honestly, smiling back down as he reread the paragraph.  
"Really is," Jenna smiled, ruffling her husband's hair fondly.  
"I honestly don't know what to say, this is amazing,"

"And then there's this too." Tyler said, reaching into the bag that Jenna had put on her lap and getting out a folded piece of a4 paper. Josh shuffled forward and took it off him, then laughed as he opened it and saw 'Sorry bro' printed in a font large enough to fill the entire page.

"Wow okay," he laughed, "care to explain?"  
"It says sorry bro," Tyler answered.  
"It does," Josh agreed hesitantly, not quite catching on.  
"I know it says that because I typed it and I understand it,"  
"You can read?!?" It suddenly clicked for Josh and he was on the brink of tears again.  
"Yep. Not quite at the same level, actually nowhere close, but give me a few hundred words worth of simple sentences and that can keep me entertained for a while."  
"He's doing absolutely amazing Josh," Jenna smiled proudly and Tyler blushed.  
"Yeah, this is turning out to be like the best day ever, I'm so damn proud of you Ty,"  
"Thank you,"

"And last but not least, this is the newest one of Darcy," Jenna told Josh as she passed across a baby scan and Josh's heart suddenly dipped and his breath caught in his throat. Just tell her Josh. Just tell them. They'll understand. They need to know. Just tell them. It'll be okay. Just tell them.

"Actually, I um, I, I can't look at that," Josh began nervously and Jenna retracted the printout and listened intrigued. "Listen, guys, obviously Tyler you've been uh, been working on yourself these past few weeks and that's great and I've been doing the same. A lot's happened but I've um, I've been letting myself think about Luke recently. He was only 6 days older than Darcy is now, and yeah, I can't look at that."  
"Oh shoot, of course, that was super insensitive, I'm so sorry," Jenna immediately apologised, looking horrified at herself.

"Are you okay?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeh, yeh I am actually thank you. I had a few low days, like really low, hence why I'm staying here for a bit, but I'm fairly okay now. Started seeing Dr Miriam again, back on anxiety and depression medication, quit drinking, working really hard on quitting smoking, got myself a job. I'm still having to put the work into being okay, but I think it's paying off at last."


	4. Oh look, chapter number 4

"Joshua, buddy, mate, bro, pal, dude,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Why exactly are you watching a video of a grown man drowning in a pool?" Chase asked as he sat down next to Josh in the staff break room and looked at Josh's phone, and Josh laughed and paused the clip to speak to his friend.

"Jenna just sent it to me, Tyler's having his first swimming lesson,"  
"Go on then, let's have a lil looky," Chase smiled and pressed the triangle on the screen. Josh let out a small laugh because he could see where Chase was coming from, Tyler was splashing an extraordinary amount. He didn't know whether Tyler was even moving forward at all but the toothy grin on his face made it obvious that he was having fun, which was what really mattered.

"Next Michael Phelps," the younger kidded as the video finished and Josh sent a quick thank you message to his friend's wife.  
"He's happy,"  
"Certainly is,"

"I'm going round to theirs for dinner tonight," Josh told him whilst putting away his phone.  
"Oh yeah? You gonna be okay?"  
"Yeah I think so," he nodded. "Jenna said I could bring my mom if I wanted or needed her but I mean it's just dinner, I'm sure I'll hold up."  
"Whereabouts do they live?"  
"Not far from your place actually, like just round the corner and up from the elementary school."  
"Oh we're basically neighbours then. If you go to the dinner and freak out then it will take you like 30 seconds to sprint to mine. Toby's in but Maria and George are  out on a date tonight so it's gonna be fairly quiet if you need it."  
"Cheers man,"  
"Anything for Grandpa Joshie." Chase winked and patted his thigh then stood up.

"You eaten something?"  
"Yeah I had my pasta already,"   
"Alright good, don't want you working on an empty stomach."  
"You're honestly just like my mother," Josh laughed.   
"Laura's a G, I'm taking that compliment,"  
"Oh she wanted me to tell you thanks for bringing a dessert last night and you're more than welcome to join us for dinner again if you'd like."   
"What a babe," Chase grinned as he got his lunch out of the fridge. "Tell her she's banging and if I wasn't a sucker for sucking then she could call me."  
"I'll tell her you said thanks," Josh sighed with a small smile. He loved Chase but it was important that his family did too, and they all sang his praises once he left the night before after eating a meal with them.

"Oh what was the deal with Abi last night by the way?"  
"Huh?"  
"Dude she was all over me."  
"Chase you think anyone who looks at you is hitting on you,"  
"Well duh, I'm a hot piece of ass," he joked, "but seriously, did you tell her that I like cock?"  
"I dunno, I didn't purposefully keep it from her or anything, and my parents know."  
"Tell her bro, it's gonna be totally awkward if she falls in love with me and she has to sit across from me when I'm joining you for dinner every single night for the rest of your life."  
"If you think you can stand that much of my family then by all means become the fifth child, you can be the gay son my mother always wanted," Josh laughed.

 

  
Josh smiled as the next round of Whose Line Is It Anyway began, not because of the response of the improv comedian on screen, but instead due to Tyler's reaction. Pure delight. The joke was almost funny but Tyler laughed as though it was hilarious, and nothing made Josh happier. They'd been watching the show for half an hour as Jenna finished dinner and every round Tyler would laugh until he was on the brink of tears and every round Josh would smile because of it.

"You're really enjoying this aren't you?" Josh said to his friend who only managed a nod through his hysterical laughter. "It's honestly not even that funny,"  
"Look at Drew's face though!" Tyler sighed as he wiped his own face with his functioning hand before bursting into a fit of giggles again at the next joke.

"Josh," he heard Jenna call softly from the frame of the door behind him, then turned over his shoulder and made eye contact with the woman.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can I borrow you a minute?"  
"Course," Josh smiled then stood up and followed her into the kitchen.

"Everything alright?"  
"Do you mind mashing these potatoes whilst I lay the table?  
"Yeah course, not a problem," he answered and took the masher she extended towards him then went over to the pan and began pressing. Jenna grabbed a handful of cutlery and three plates and began putting them out.

"Can you keep half an eye on Ty for me as well?"  
"Yep," Josh nodded, able to see his best friend laughing his head off through the door and across the hall.  
"He'll probably be absolutely fine but he had a seizure at the hospital the other day so I'm not a massive fan of leaving him completely alone."  
"Does that mean he's got epilepsy then?" Josh asked concerned.  
"Yeah, he's on meds for it now though so hopefully that will sort him out."  
"Hopefully."

"How about you? How are your meds working?" Jenna asked with a smile, finishing her task and rubbing her large pregnant belly soothingly.  
"Still early days but I'm sleeping better,"  
"Oh that's a good start at least J, really happy for you,"  
"Thank you."  
"And if there's anything we can do, or alternatively not do, then let us know."  
"I will, thanks,"

"I missed you Josh, I missed having you around." Jenna said a moment later.  
"I am sorry, I just, it wasn't a good environment for me, I needed to get out of there."  
"No no I understand, I'm glad you chose to look after yourself, I just love you a lot."  
"I love you too," Josh smiled as he finished the mash.  
"Can I have a hug or is Darcy gonna be too much for you?"  
"Course you can have a hug." He replied, walking round and embracing her small frame tightly. They held each other for a moment before stepping back and smiling, hugging was seriously underrated.

"Right, if that mash is done then I'm gonna go grab Tyler and we can sit up."  
"I'll get him, you shouldn't be lifting heavy weights."  
"Honestly, I do it 10 times a day, it's okay,"  
"Jenna, seriously, look after your baby and I'll get your husband." Josh insisted, knowing he was probably being a little overprotective of the unborn child but also allowing himself to admit that he had good reason to be. He was allowed to feel emotions, Dr Miriam had spent hours reassuring him that he was allowed to feel emotions.  
"Okay," Jenna nodded, catching on.

Josh walked out of the kitchen and across to the living room where Tyler was yet again in hysterics over the rerun of his favourite show.  
"Ty buddy, I'm gonna pause this because dinner's ready."  
"5 more minutes,"  
"Nah come on, you can watch the rest later." Josh told him as he pressed the associated button on the remote control, then turned to stand opposite his friend.

"You're no fun," Tyler groaned, then picked up his cane with his left hand and waited for Josh to help him stand. Josh reached down and tucked his hands under the gait belt and pulled him to his feet, then repositioned so he was simply supporting Tyler as he began taking his uneven steps towards the kitchen. His left side was still fairly strong, only impacted by the pure fact that his muscles laid unused for so long and therefore wasted away. However his right side was significantly impaired and he needed a brace just to keep his foot pointing the right way.

"Oh there you are, Mr Giggles himself," Jenna grinned as they made their way into the kitchen.  
"Jen you gotta watch it with me tonight, it's the funniest episode ever," Tyler sighed as Josh helped him down into his chair, then took his cane and propped it against the wall for him.  
"Thanks Josh, and I will darling,"  
"Yeah thanks Josh." He reiterated and Josh smiled as he joined them at the table. In front of them were plates each with mash potato, pork chops and various roasted vegetables.

"Tyler has decided that we're going to start saying grace before every meal,"  
"Yeah, if God is gracious enough to save me then the least we can do is be grateful and thank Him," Tyler beamed, and it took Josh a moment to process because the man had always been so estranged from his faith. But nevertheless he forced an uncomfortable smile.  
"Okay,"  
"God, we thank you for this meal. For rest and home and healing. For wind and rain and sun above. But most of all for those we love."  
"Amen," Jenna and Josh both said, Tyler grinning at them.  
"That was beautiful honey," his wife told him.  
"Thank you,"

"You should be alright with the veg, I did them bite size, but if you take your arm off the table then I'll cut your pork up for you." She continued, knowing that Tyler couldn't use his right hand and therefore couldn't use a knife.  
"Here, let me," Josh said, taking Tyler's plate and putting it next to him then beginning to cut the pieces up so that all Tyler would have to do was stab them with his fork.  
"You're gonna have two of us fighting over you now," Jenna laughed and Josh smiled as he continued to work.

"I might ask my brace guy if he can build a lightsaber into my wrist brace and then I could Jedi knight my food into little bits."  
"Took them four attempts to make one which doesn't give you blisters, I wouldn't set your expectations too high baby," his wife laughed.

"How was swimming today?" Josh asked as he put the plate back in front of Tyler.  
"Thank you," he smiled, ignoring the question.  
"Ty, Josh asked how was swimming this morning." Jenna prompted him softly.   
"It was awesome,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah, my coach is called Linda and she's lovely, we had a lot of fun."  
"Glad to hear it mate, we'll have to go together one time." Josh replied after he swallowed his mouthful of vegetables.  
"Yeah, once Darcy is born you can help take her to baby swim class whilst I'm having my lesson."  
"Only if you want to," Jenna added, clearly concerned that Josh would get upset over the mention of a baby. And she was right, he couldn't do that, he couldn't take his own baby swimming, he never got the opportunity, so how could he take another baby? Would Darcy just be replacing Luke? One baby in, one baby out? Interchangeable?

"How was your day?" Jenna proceeded to ask, knowing Josh needed the conversation to move on.  
"Good thanks, yeah, good,"  
"What do you do?" Tyler asked.  
"I work in a record shop,"  
"Yeah but what do you do?"  
"Well I get people the records they want to buy and I make recommendations and help customers find something they'd like, then general maintenance like organising and keep the shop nice and tidy."  
"Sounds boring,"  
"Ty!" Jenna exclaimed apologetically, "That's not very polite honey,"  
"I get to spend all day with music so I'm happy, and I reckon you'd enjoy it too,"  
"I don't like music,"  
"Oh okay," Josh said, feeling a little lost. Tyler and music were synonymous. Their initial ice breaker, their bond, their friendship. At least it was.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

"Ain't half bad for a grandad," Chase teased as Josh climbed back up the ramp and sat between him and his brother Jordan, resting his skateboard across his lap and breathing deeply. He wouldn't say he was naturally skilled at skating but it was something he'd always enjoyed and always put a lot of time into. And those hours practicing alone as an anxious teenager trying to keep his mind busy seemed to pay off as he impressed the two younger guys with a trick.

"Why do you call him a grandad? Like I get he's a bit older, but not that much," Josh's brother asked.  
"See!" Josh protested and Chase laughed then pinched Josh's cheeks.  
"Have you seen these wrinkles? He's practically ancient. And those crow feet!"  
"Get off," he complained playfully, pushing Chase's hands away from his face.

"See how he treats me Jord? This guy is supposed to be my best friend." Josh said before fully realising what he had called him. Shit.  
"You know I love you really," Chase winked but Josh couldn't move on from what he had said, his mind racing a million thoughts a second. Did he mean to say that? What was mistaken, his mouth or his mind? Was it true? Was he really his best friend?

"Chase that's Josh's I'm-overthinking-something-like-a-dumbass-who-needs-to-calm-down face," Jordan said a moment later.  
"Yeah I know, I've seen it before. Come on pal, what's up?"  
"S'nothing,"  
"Chase that's Josh's bullshit face."   
"What is it?"  
"It's just, I called you my best friend, what about Tyler?" Josh said quietly, playing with a wheel on his board.  
"Dude this isn't 3rd grade, you can have more than one." Jordan replied.  
"True, but still, if you want to talk it through then feel free man, get it off your chest, make Dr Miriam a happy chappy." Chase encouraged him.

"You're a better friend to me than Tyler,"  
"Right," he listened and waited for Josh to expand further.  
"I mean we've barely spoken in 6 months, and so much has happened and now I'm just wondering whether maybe we've grown apart, grown into different people."  
"Yeh but he couldn't speak for 3 of those months so that's kinda harsh," Jordan said.  
"No no if that's how you feel then that's how you feel. Regardless of the circumstances, time has passed and that's a valid reason for friendships to alter." Chase reassured him.

"And like, I'm gonna be honest here, he was a pretty shitty friend when Luke died."  
"How come?"  
"He didn't speak to me, didn't check on me, didn't contact me for like 4 months, then finally I reached out to him and he went straight back to normal, not so much as a sorry for your loss."   
"Yeah that sucks,"  
"But Josh you're forgetting the fact that you completely shut everyone out. Ty did try to reach out, you were just too drunk to remember. You threw lamps at him, screamed at him, pushed him away metaphorically and literally."   
"You don't give up on people though! You don't stop trying just because they break!" Josh retaliated. "I needed him and he wasn't there. Could you imagine if it was the other way round? There have been literally hundreds of time when Tyler has shut me out or told me to leave him or that he wanted to be alone and I never accepted that as an answer because I'm not an idiot! I know that he needs company and reassurance from people to help him feel safe, and he didn't understand that I needed him."

"He didn't know what to do, none of us did. Do you hold it against me too?" Jordan asked.  
"I don't hold it against anyone,"  
"Clearly you do,"  
"I don't, I just, I'm digging up the past and I don't know why," the older brother sighed.  
"It's alright man, you've never talked about this I presume and it's healthy to say it now," Chase mediated.

"He's different now,"  
"Yeah?"  
"They said there could be personality changes but, I dunno, I just sorta presumed that we would still have the same relationship we always have."  
"How's he changed?"  
"Every way basically," Josh sighed. "Last night, at dinner, he was super religious which isn't like him, but also he was insensitive and blunt and disregardful and basically just rude."  
"Yeah,"  
"He brought up Luke and Debby like 5 times and asked me twice how long until Luke would arrive. I mean I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me, but there's certain things that you just don't say at the dinner table."  
"Jeezzz," Chase sighed.

"I get that things are hard for him and he's still working on getting back his filter or whatever,"  
"Yeh but Josh, mate, you can't sacrifice everything you've been working on just for him. I understand that your friendship is important but you can't put yourself through torment over Luke if it's going to hurt you and have serious consequences. I met you as you were just about turnings things around again, and I'd hate to see you lose it all."   
"Yeah I agree," Jordan nodded, "I've seen you when you're down that pit and it's horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't wanna see you go through that again, just for the sake of a friend."

"Normally I'd say that he's not just a friend, you know? I mean he's Tyler, he's my best friend, he saved my life, he's everything to me. Except he's not anymore, I mean he doesn't even like music anymore,"  
"K can I drop a truth bomb on you?" Jordan asked.  
"Yeh,"  
"I don't like Tyler. I've never liked Tyler."  
"Go on," Josh said curious and a little hurt.

"You two, you were bad for each other. I hope you don't mind me saying all of this in front of Chase but you met when you were both cutting and it was weird because that was basically why you became friends. You were in that group therapy together because you were both sick, and when you're sick you need someone like Chase who can talk to you about it but also show you what you'd gain by getting better. Tyler, you guys just pulled each other down. I mean that stupid suicide pact-"  
"It wasn't stupid." Josh interrupted.  
"Yes it was! Josh he wanted you to kill yourself in his fucking bathroom!"  
"But it wasn't because he was stupid, it was because he was scared and that was how he thought he could protect us both."

"What was the pact?" Chase asked.  
"Tyler thought the government was trying to torture him and Josh so he tried really really hard to convince a very vulnerable Josh to off himself."  
"It wasn't like that Jord, you know he's schizophrenic, I knew he was schizophrenic, I knew that it wasn't him talking and I was never gonna actually do it, I just went along with it to support him, which is what friends do."   
"Chase Tyler's parents had to call the police to smash the door down because they were both barricaded in. It was more than just 'going along with it'." Jordan told him and Josh couldn't argue with the truth.

"When was that?"  
"We were both 17, so it was ages ago and we've moved on and it's not a massive deal."  
"I almost lost my brother! It is a massive deal!" Jordan exclaimed.  
"Look it was a stupid mistake over a decade ago, okay? And I'm sorry I scared you but it's not Ty's fault."

"You're defending him; you've gone from saying that maybe you don't get on anymore to defending him against your own brother, so maybe you need to actually think about what's in your head and what's in your heart." Chase said and Josh hummed as he thought about it.   
"I'm sorry J, I'm not gonna put you in a 'it's him or me' scenario, I just want you to realise that I'm not gonna think any less of you if you decide that you can't be friends with him anymore." Jordan told him.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

Josh twirled his drumstick around his fingers, a habit that had filled the place of smoking, whilst laying on his childhood bed. It was his day off and he was supposed to be going back to his apartment with his mom to clean it up and start preparing it for eventually moving back, but he couldn't pull his head from the pillow. He wasn't moving out just yet, Laura had simply decided that spending a short amount of time there would make it easier to eventually transition, although she had repeatedly reassured him that he was under no pressure to leave. And honestly? He didn't know if he wanted to go back.

That apartment was everything to him, and yet he loathed it. He had bought and adored it with Debby and Tyler had jumped off its roof. He had hidden an engagement ring in it and he had gone through stages of alcoholism from its armchair. He had fallen in love with a baby and he had lost that baby all within those walls.

"Josh darling?" Laura poked her head round the door and he peered to look at her as she entered.  
"Morning,"  
"Morning sweetie," she smiled and passed him his meds and a glass of water as he sat up on his bed.

"Thanks," he said once he swallowed them.  
"S'okay, you've got a guest downstairs by the way."  
"A guest? Mom no, please, please make them leave," Josh panicked, anxiety spiking.  
"It's just Jenna handsome, not Ty, just Jenna, it's okay. She's happy drinking tea with Abi at the moment, there's no rush. Can I lie down with you?" She soothed and he shakily shuffled over so she could lay beside him on the double bed.

"You're okay, I'm not going to force you into anything you're not comfortable with, you're okay. Here, let me have a go," his mother comforted him, then took his drumstick and tried and failed to spin it around her fingers, laughing as she dropped it. Josh knew it was a distraction but it wasn't working as his heart pounded. It was almost as if Jenna knew what he had said about Ty, had tracked him down to scream at him, had tracked him down to punish him.

"Come on you, that's enough of that sort of erratic breathing, you're safe and you don't have to leave this bed if you don't feel up to it,"  
"Why's she here?" Josh panicked through fast shallow breaths.  
"She's hoping to go for brunch with you, Tyler's at physio all day and she happened to drive past on her way back and decided to drop in. I told her the first half of mornings can be tough for you anxiety wise whilst you're waiting for your meds to kick in and she said that's not a problem, it's up to you."  
"No Tyler?"  
"No Tyler, just Jen,"  
"And Darcy,"  
"Of course sweetheart, but listen, Darcy is okay and that's not going to change because of something you do. You didn't harm Luke and you won't harm Darcy."  
"But what if I do the wrong thing?"  
"I 100% guarantee that you will not do the wrong thing. You did not cause Debby's stillbirth and you will not cause Jenna to have one." Laura told him without any room for misinterpretation.  
"You don't know that,"  
"I'm your mom, I know everything Joshua," she said lightly, finding his hand and squeezing it.

"This isn't rational sweetheart, use your rational head and think about this. You're not going to cause a complication. If it would make you feel more comfortable then you don't even have to touch her, okay? But you're not jinxed with pregnancies or anything like that; it's not going to happen again,"

 

  
"Thank you for doing this J," Jenna smiled as the waitress walked away with their order and he sipped his freshly filled glass of water.  
"That's okay, thanks, uh, thanks for waiting so long, I just wound myself up over nothing."  
"I'm married to the king of winding-himself-up-over-nothing, it's more than okay, I get it."  
"True," Josh smiled to himself.

"How is he today?"  
"Oh his usual random self," she replied happily, "he decided that for breakfast, rather than having one cereal, he would instead go for 4 in 1 bowl, but each had their own quarter and he didn't want them to mix."  
"Are you worried?"  
"Worried? No no, he's not doing any harm, it's kind of cute actually,"

"Have you told Dr Stamper?"  
"What would I say? Hi Doc, my husband is enjoying himself and loves being back home and is generally happier than I've ever seen him, fix him please."  
"You know what I mean."   
"Yeah I do, but we both knew personality change was on the cards. Honestly Josh? I think we got off very luckily. He could have been angry or upset or scared or anything, but we got a happy Ty."  
"Happy Ty," he echoed quietly, still not used to the idea of his friend being so obviously affiliated with the emotion.

"You know that episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? The one you watched together?"  
"Yeah,"  
"He watches it every single day at least 3 or 4 times, and every day he's in hysterics. I've told him that I've recorded the whole boxset for him but he says that he likes that episode so why would he change it,"  
"That's not normal," Josh stated.  
"No, it's not normal, but he's not normal J. He's got a traumatic brain injury. But you know what? He wasn't normal before and I loved him because of it, and nothing's changed for me. Normality is overrated."

"So nothing's changed for you?"  
"Not the way I feel about him no, not at all." She replied. "Why? Has anything changed for you?"  
"No of course not." Josh lied.

"Hello, I have an order of French toast,"  
"That's mine thanks," Jenna smiled and the waitress placed the plate down in front of the pregnant woman.  
"And the pancakes must be yours,"  
"Yep," Josh nodded and she placed them down between his cutlery. "Thank you,"  
"Enjoy, and can I just say congratulations to the pair of you, I'm sure you're going to make an amazing mom and dad to your little one," the waitress told them and Josh's heart sunk.  
"Thank you," Jenna said to her and then she walked away.

"Josh, Josh look at me, Josh, eye contact, forget what she said, sweetie look at me, breathe," she tried to calm him down but he was already on edge because he had been forced out of his room and out with this woman and out with the baby and shit there was a baby and shit the waitress thought it was his baby and shit his baby was dead and shit he couldn't breathe.

"Darling let's go for a walk," Jenna said and he realised that she had stood up and was about to reach out and touch his arm, shit, she was about to touch him, she couldn't touch him, Mom had said it was dangerous for her to touch him.  
"No! No no no, no stay back,"  
"Okay no contact sweetie, will you come outside with me and get some fresh air?"  
"Don't touch me!"  
"Josh, I'm gonna call your mom and she can speak to you can calm you down,"  
"No!" He exclaimed, hyperventilating quicker as more and more and more eyes turned to stare at him.

"Chase," he finally spat out.  
"Want me to call Chase? Yeah? I can call Chase for you."

 

  
"Alright buddy, Uncle Chase is here," Chase announced as he crossed the road from where he had parked his car and over to where Josh and Jenna were sat on the curb, Josh on the comedown from his rather nasty panic attack and still feeling shaky and anxious. Jenna stood up with a groan but Josh kept his face buried in his arms.

"You must be Jenna, pleasure to finally meet you,"  
"Yeh, you too,"  
"So what happened then? Is J okay?" Chase asked.  
"After I got off the phone with you he had a full blown panic attack, I'm not entirely sure why but I'm presuming it's because the waitress mistook him as the father of my baby, and it reminded him. He's calming down a bit now but I think he just needs to go home,"  
"Yeah alright, I'll take him, thanks for calling,"  
"Thanks for coming, he needs a friend like you,"  
"Pleasure," Chase said, then they walked back over to him as though he hadn't been able to listen to their conversation because they'd moved a staggering 3 metres away.

"Josh, mate, shall we go for a drive somewhere?" He offered and Josh nodded into his forearms resting against his knees. "Do you need a minute or should we go now?"  
"I, uh, phww, I'm coming," Josh told him quietly, rubbing his face for a long minute then anxiously standing up and clutching his arm protectively.  
"Josh I hope you feel better soon darling," Jenna smiled and he nodded, unable to reply.  
"Alright come on you, the Chase-mobile awaits," Chase sighed, placing his hand on Josh's back and guiding him across the road. The hand remained as he opened the passenger door and helped Josh to sit down before climbing in himself.

"If you need to just stare out of the window then that's cool, or I can put some music on or we can talk, it's up to you." He said as they began moving down the street.  
"Window," Josh whispered.  
"Okay buddy, sorry there's so many questions but where do you wanna go? I can take you to your mom's or to my place or yours or just a scenic route around town."  
"Yours,"  
"Course mate, course. Toby and Maria are at college and George is at work so it's just the two of us,"

 

 

"There we go," Chase smiled as he passed Josh the mug of hot cocoa, "And don't go getting any ideas mister," he said, picking up a half full bottle of beer that had been left on the coffee table and taking it into the kitchen next door, then coming back and sitting next to him.

"Thanks," Josh forced a smile back as he brought the hot beverage to his lips.  
"You doing okay?"  
"Bit better," he nodded.  
"Glad to hear it,"

"Thanks for, uh, for coming to get me,"  
"Not a problem,"  
"Sucks that I had one, I'd um, I'd gone quite a while panic free." Josh sighed as he sipped the drink.  
"It was just a stumble mate, don't worry, you haven't fallen all the way back down again."  
"Mmm,"  
"Do you know why it happened today? Or just a random one?"  
"I, uh, I didn't sleep great last night, like 2 hours, so I guess that was probably a part of it. Then unplanned things in mornings are really hard and I was anxious about being with a pregnant woman, and yeh, the waitress called me a father or something and I just freaked."  
"Overwhelmed?"  
"Basically," Josh nodded.

"How come you couldn't sleep?"  
"Thinking about Tyler,"  
"Yeah,"  
"I don't know what to do." He sighed, staring at the swirling brown liquid.  
"Do you need to make a decision though Josh? Does it need to be an all or nothing choice that you make now and stick to for the rest of your life? I know you're finding it difficult to be around him but that doesn't mean you need to choose to never ever speak to him again. Not everything needs to be planned for the long term, just take things one day at a time."  
"I just, my brain, it doesn't work like that. I can't just go with the flow, I need structure and plans and to be able to know exactly what I'm going to do tomorrow and the day after and the day after so that I can prepare myself and not have any surprises."  
"Yeah,"

"I think that was part of what made this morning so hard. Like I was supposed to go back to my apartment with my mom and that was a scary idea and I was struggling a bit to get my head round it so that I was in a good enough place, and that was sort of taking up all my mental resilience if that makes sense?"  
"Yeah it does."  
"Then suddenly having a change of plan to something so difficult anyway was just too much."  
"Right,"

"When I was a kid it was really bad, like really bad. I stopped going to school for a couple of months and my mom, she um, she bought this huge whiteboard which went the length of my wall and she sectioned it off into a grid with black tape. She literally wrote out in 30 minute intervals what I would be doing every day that week. I mean I'm talking when I would take meds and when I would eat and when I would read and when I would sleep and when I would come downstairs and when I would go to the bathroom."  
"Yeah," Chase listened.  
"If anything changed, even remotely, if dinner was running 30 seconds late or if someone was in the hall when it was supposed to be my turn to go downstairs then I'd have a panic attack. And I know things are a bit better now but anxiety is still a part of me and so is that need for structure."

"So, obviously you don't have to say, but with Tyler going into the coma, how was that for you with structure and having plans?"  
"Eugh, the plan was basically just stay with him all day everyday. Like I had a 9to5 job, I worked in marketing and I had a routine that wasn't exactly happy but it was keeping me fairly stable, but the moment it happened I stopped caring quite frankly. He was my only friend and I didn't really see it as an option not to be with him."  
"But now you're considering it? Moving on?"  
"Yeah I guess so," Josh hummed.

 

•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

"Which ones have you done already?" Maria, Chase's roommate, asked as they stared at row upon row upon row of hair dyes.  
"All of them pretty much. Urrm, red, purple, green, blue, pink," Josh listed, counting on his fingers.  
"Hmmm, turquoise?" She suggested.  
"Silver? Embrace your inner grandad?" Chase grinned, gesturing to the box.  
"Ha. Hilarious." He groaned sarcastically.  
"Orange?" The young woman said, pointing to the box.  
"Nope, nope no way, I refuse to be best mates with a ginger,"   
"Shut up Chase," she jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow before tightening her ponytail of long auburn hair with a pout.

"How about yellow?" Josh said, ignoring their banter and picking up a box of the vibrant colour.  
"Dude, you will look like a highlighter."  
"What's so bad about highlighters?" He smirked, reading the back of the packet.  
"Is it blonde or yellow?" Maria asked.   
"Bright yellow."  
"Won't that fade or wash out super fast?" Chase took his turn to ask a question.  
"Nah, my hair holds colour pretty well, should be alright."

"Here, lightening kit for beforehand," Maria passed him the appropriate box.  
"Awesome, thanks,"  
"You're not seriously doing this," the younger man sighed, shaking his head.  
"Yellow's cool," Maria backed him up.  
"I may be a grandad but I have a young and hip advisor who has informed me that yellow is in fact 'cool' these days. I believe this strategic move will enable me to seem more relatable to the youth, and therefore enhance my assimilation into the target group." Josh grinned and Chase laughed.

"Alright alright, but if we go out in public then you are going to be wearing both a beanie and a hoodie."  
"Hats over the top of hoods are cool." Maria told Josh.  
"That is a lie and you are taking advantage of a vulnerable grandpa." Chase tutted and Josh ignored the vulnerability mention because he knew Chase didn't mean it the way that his head was trying to convince him that he meant it.

"Right come on you, these are on me." He smiled, taking the boxes from Josh's grip and walking over to the counter.  
"Maria, I trust you entirely. That hat hood thing is cool and I'm gonna do it tomorrow," Josh winked at her as they followed after Chase.

 

  
As Maria left the bathroom to grab a dustpan and brush from downstairs to sweep up Josh's hair from the floor, Chase noticed Josh's smile fail.  
"J? What's up, you don't like it?"  
"No no, I love it." Josh answered honestly, looking in the mirror at his now yellow hair which Maria had also shaved into a Mohican at his request.  
"Then what buddy?"  
"It's nothing,"  
"You know what your brother would say if he was here? He'd say that was bullshit."  
"Yeah probably." He sighed, running his fingers through his new locks.

"S'just that Debby always used to do this for me."  
"Cut and dye your hair?" Chase asked.   
"Yeah, since we were kids right through until Luke. I dunno, it was just something we did together a lot, reminds me of her,"  
"Alright man, is there anything I can do?"  
"Nah, I'm fine, well I'll be fine is what I mean. I'm not gonna have a panic over it, I'll just be a downer for a minute." He sighed again, rubbing his face with both hands.  
"Need a smoke?"  
"You trying to lead me astray?"  
"I didn't choose the thug life," Chase smiled supportively. "If you need one then Toby's got a pack in his room that you could easily steal."  
"Toby? Didn't realise he smoked."  
"He doesn't, not properly, he just has a stress smoke when he's essay writing for college. Gets through like a pack a year. Got nothing on you mate."

"Found it, found it, Jesus Chase why do you think that a dustpan belongs in the tins cupboard?" Maria asked as she burst back into the room.  
"Hey! Why do you automatically presume it was me?!" He complained and Maria pulled a doubting glare that made Chase laugh guilty.

"Josh, only girl living with 3 men, you get used to their incompetence."  
"Oi!"  
"She's not wrong, we are." Josh agreed with a small smirk.  
"What happened to feminism hey? Aren't all genders equal? Ending stereotypes and destroying sexism?" Chase whined.  
"Oh I didn't mean all guys, I just meant you 3 lumps. You may be my gay best mate, my boyfriend and whatever the Hell Toby is, but all 3 of you, pathetic." She sighed jokingly as she swept up Josh's hair from the bathroom floor.

"Maria's all talk J, you should see her and George's room, bloody pig sty. You've got more empty mugs of tea on your side table than in the entire kitchen."  
"Says the guy who has a pizza box of mouldy crusts on his windowsill."  
"That's a legitimate science experiment."   
"That is legitimately going to give you a disease and get us all evicted."

"Josh do you keep food until is starts growing a consciousness of its own?" Maria included Josh as she finished the job.  
"Nope. But I did accidentally set fire to my pillow the other week."  
"What?!?" Chase laughed.  
"Well I'm a magician and I sometimes forget where I keep my hidden flame shooters." Josh lied with a smile, then followed his two friends out of the bathroom and down to the kitchen.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

After a full day of work followed by an hour crashing at Chase's with George and Maria making out on the opposite couch, Josh opted to walk the short journey to Tyler and Jenna's house. He decided to talk to Jenna about his panic attack at brunch and reassure her that he was in fact doing better, and also decided to spend some more time with Tyler. They'd been best friends for a decade and it would be irrational to throw that away because of one uncomfortable dinner.

He wasn't sure whether it was the security of having a plan or still on a high from his day with Chase or the buzz that always came with a new hair style, but Josh was feeling almost, dare he say it, happy?

With three knocks on the white door, he stepped back and put his hands in his pockets feeling strangely calm.

"Josh," Jenna opened the door, eyes flicking up to his yellow hair briefly but ignoring it with a look of concern on her face that made Josh start to feel concerned too.  
"Hey, can I come in?"  
"Oh thank God you're here," she said, pulling him into a tight hug, Darcy pressing into his torso. Josh ignored the usual baby freak out going on in his mind and instead tried to understand what had caused her reaction.

"Has something happened?"  
"Tyler, there's uh, there's something wrong and I don't know what to do." Jenna told him and he tried his best not to express the panic that was rising in his gut.  
"Right, okay, well my car is at Chase's but if you give me your keys then I can drive him to hospital, we'll sort it I promise."  
"No, no not like that, he's just, he's not himself Josh." She sighed as she shut the front door behind him but didn't lead them out of the hallway.

"Jenna, I can help if you tell me what's wrong." Josh reassured her quietly.  
"I don't know what's wrong, he's acting really strange. Like when I woke up this morning he wasn't in bed, and I eventually found him asleep in the guest room. Just how he used to before he jumped."  
"Right,"  
"And he won't talk to me, he's been ignoring me all day and won't let me give him his medicines or anything to eat."  
"So he's not had his medication?"  
"He did them himself eventually, but I had already got out his tablets and he refused to take them and insisted I gave him the packets to do himself, plus I'm supposed to inject his bad leg and he couldn't do the syringe with one hand and he threw it across the room."  
"Okay," Josh sighed.

"We were supposed to go to Silver Oaks this morning but he completely refused and I couldn't physically force him, so he's just been sat in the living room all day."  
"Hmmm, okay, so you're guessing it's a psych thing?"  
"Yeah," she nodded on the brink of tears.  
"I'll talk to him I promise, is he through there?"  
"Yeah, be gentle."   
"I will," he told her, then walked over to the entrance to the living room.

As Jenna had loosely described, Tyler was sat alone staring at the black TV screen from an armchair, not even turning to look at Josh as he entered. Immediately alarm bells started going off for Josh and his concern only grew the longer they were silent.

"Tyler, hey," he began, getting blanked. "I missed you bud, come round to see if you wanted to hangout? Watch a movie?"   
"Bullshit, I'm brain damaged not fucking stupid, I still have ears, I could fucking hear you, you're here because my wife is a control freak and you think you're some fucking miracle worker." Tyler spat poison without making eye contact.

"I don't think that at all, I think I'm your friend and when people are going through hard times they need their friends more than ever."  
"Well you're wrong, I don't need anything from anyone, so do me a favour and piss off?!" He growled aggressively.  
"It's okay to need other people Tyler, everyone does,"  
"Are you even listening to me?! Leave or I will make you regret ever coming here."  
"I'm not scared of you Tyler," Josh told him calmly.  
"What?! Because of my fucking body?! You think I'm some sort of joke?! Fuck you. I will fucking kill you, just like how I almost fucking throttled my pregnant bitch of a wife last night."

"Did Blurryface tell you to hurt her?" The older asked, finally earning eye contact.  
"Fuck. You."  
"Tyler it's a genuine enough question and I'm trying to find out what's going on and how I can help,"  
"I fucking HATE you," Tyler suddenly screeched, throwing his cane across the room and making Josh jump as it clattered against the wall behind him.

"Stop digging up the past." He growled a moment later.  
"If Blurry and the thoughts are back then that's okay, I can help you, you just have to tell me. The past beats inside me like a second heart; John Banville said that, you used to like John Banville. Tyler what I'm trying to say is the past makes us who we are,"  
"Well that makes you a mental illness faking, high school skiving, attention seeking, pity hunting, panic exaggerating, woman using, emotionally manipulating murderous baby killer." Tyler spat and Josh was lost for words as the venom seized control of his every fibre and left him paralysed. "You heard me, you're a baby killer, so do me a favour? Just like you did with yours, go kill my baby. Go kill the wretch in my wife stood behind the door listening to every FUCKING WORD!"   
"TYLER! That is enough!!" Jenna sobbed as she opened the door, then took Josh's hand and pulled him out of the room and up the stairs to her bedroom.

She sat him on the bed then sat next to him and placed a hand on the back of his neck as tears rolled down her face. Josh wasn't sure what he was feeling but it wasn't good.  
"Josh, Josh breathe, he didn't mean it, he's lying, it wasn't your fault, it's okay, breathe." She supported him tearfully and Josh felt like he should be crying too but his eyes were dry and his mouth shut tight. "He, he's just trying to hurt you, he knows it's a soft spot a-and he's taking advantage of that, he doesn't really believe it, it's not true, he doesn't believe it, okay?"  
"Yeh," Josh forced himself to nod.  
"It wasn't your fault and you're not any of the other things he said either. He, I don't know why, but he's angry and he's taking it out on you but it's not true, it's not true. He didn't mean it,"

"Are you, uh, are you okay?" He asked Jenna after slowing down his breathing by counting in his head. She was sobbing and clearly very far from okay.  
"I'm scared J-o-sh, I'm sscared of my hus-band."  
"Okay, do you need to uh, to get out of the house?"  
"Run away?" She cried.  
"Not run away, just go somewhere to calm down and feel safe, you're pregnant, you um, you need to be calm,"  
"I c-an't leave him,"  
"I'll stay with him. You know Chase? From when I had my panic at our brunch? He lives like 3 minutes away, he'll um, he'll look after you and I'll stay with Tyler."  
"No, no he'll be cruel and I don't want you getting hurt."  
"Jenna I'd rather me than you and Darcy."

 

Josh kept his arm wrapped around Jenna's shaking shoulders as they waited for someone to answer the door that he had just knocked on. Eventually Maria opened with a smile.  
"Back so soon Dun? Miss us too much?"  
"Something like that, can we come in?"  
"Course," she smiled, showing them the way. "CHASE! GET YOUR GAY ASS DOWN HERE, YOU'VE GOT GUESTS!"  
"COMING!" Chase yelled from upstairs.

"This is Jenna," Josh introduced her whilst helping her to sit on the couch.  
"Tyler's wife right? Congratulations on the baby by the way, is it alright if I feel for kicking?" Maria smiled, sitting next to her and, once Jenna nodded, placing her hand on the bump. Josh saw Chase in the hall and stepped to stand with him.

"What's going on?" Chase asked discretely.  
"Tyler freaked, screaming and throwing stuff, saying he wanted to kill the baby. She needed to get out of there, is it alright if she stays here until he calms down?"  
"Yeah course man," he nodded.  
"Thank you, hopefully I won't be long."  
"Wait, you're going back to him?"  
"Yeh, I have to."  
"Okay well I'm coming too."  
"Chase no, he doesn't know you, I'm his best mate, I'll deal with it." Josh told him quietly but firmly.

"I'm your best mate too and if he's having a schizophrenic episode I don't want you getting worked up and having a panic attack and feeling stuck with him. Let me come, I won't even go in the same room if he doesn't want, but let me come for you at least."  
"I, uh I don't think it's schizophrenia, I don't know, he just shouldn't be alone."  
"2 heads are better than 1, fraid I'm coming whether you like it or not."  
"I'll be fine."  
"I'm sure you will, but that's not stopping me coming to make sure."

 

  
Josh didn't have to knock on Tyler's door as he still had a key to access the house, and he shut it behind Chase then mouthed for his friend to be silent.  
"Tyler? I'm not here for another fight," Josh called out cautiously as he paced towards the living room were they had last been together. As he poked his head around the door, he saw Tyler sobbing into his working hand.

"Oh Ty, Ty, it's okay," he sighed, quickly walking over and crouching opposite him, placing a supportive hand on his thigh. Tears were rolling down his face and collecting on his sweatpants and Josh's heart broke. Although a part of him still echoed Tyler's voice screeching baby killer, a larger part wanted to swoop his best friend up and hold him tight, protect him.

"I'll wait through there," Chase said subtly and Josh nodded, focus still on Tyler.  
"What?" Tyler suddenly whipped up tearfully, looking over at the door where Chase had previously been.  
"It's my friend Ty, my friend Chase, he's here to help I promise. But listen, what's going on Ty? What's happening?"  
"I, I, I, I, uh, I, I,"  
"Breathe, you're okay, breathe," Josh soothed his friend's racing breaths, more tears trickling down his cheeks. "I'm not upset Tyler, I forgive you, I'm not mad I promise."  
"I, I thought you'd all left me," he whispered, erratic sobs escaping again. "My cane, I, I threw it, it's, it's, uh, it's over there, a-and, and I can't walk Josh." Tyler weeped. "I thought I was trapped here,"  
"Oh Tyler," Josh sighed emotionally, standing up but leaning over and hugging Tyler. He pulled his sobbing friend's head against his chest and held him tight, letting him stain Josh's Tshirt with his tears.

"I was so scared,"  
"It's never going to happen again I promise, that was the one and only time. I'm back and I'm not leaving until you're completely okay with it."  
"I thought, I, I thought you both ha-hated me and left me here for-e-ver,"  
"Tyler we don't hate you, everyone just needed to calm down and I decided we needed some space, okay? We don't hate you, we love you,"

"You do hate me, don't you?" He cried, letting go of Josh so that he had crouch down in front of him again.  
"No, of course not."  
"Jen, Jen-na, said that you, uh, you needed some time away to get your, um, your head around what's happened. She means me, doesn't she? You don't like me, you, you never come and see me anymore, you hate me," Tyler whimpered, and hearing the words from his mouth suddenly proved to Josh how wrong his recent train of thought had been. How could he hate him? He was Tyler, he was his best friend.

"Tyler, Tyler look at me. I will never hate you. You are my best friend in the whole world and I love you, okay? These past 6 months have been shit quite frankly, and I've been going through a lot of crap just as you have, but that doesn't change the fact you're my best friend."  
"I'm different."  
"So am I. But that's okay, okay?"  
"I miss you,"  
"I miss you too Ty," Josh sighed honestly, then hugged him again.

"Where, where's Jenna?" Tyler asked as he wiped away his tears once Josh let go and crouched again.  
"My friend Chase, who's in the kitchen, lives pretty close by so she's there with his roommates. They're looking after her I promise."  
"Is she okay?"  
"Little shaken up, but she'll be alright."  
"Oh no, oh J what about Darcy? What if I triggered her to go into labour? What if I hurt Darce?" He began to panic.  
"Tyler, Tyler listen. Do you remember what happened to Luke?"  
"Uh huh."  
"I am beyond cautious now, I'm paranoid over it. I can absolutely guarantee that I have done everything humanly possible to look after your daughter and she will be okay." Josh promised him, finally accepting the fact that he was helping Darcy, not endangering her.  
"Thank you,"  
"That's alright."

"Can you um, can you get my cane please?"  
"Yeah no problem." He nodded, quickly standing up and walking across to the wall where Tyler had angrily lobbed the stick not long ago. Josh took the cane back to him, admiring the blue detailed handle that had recently replaced his old grey hospital one.  
"Thanks."  
"Can you get up by yourself?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded a little tearfully, but Josh watched anxiously as he tried to rock himself up 4 times unsuccessfully.

"Tyler what can I do?"  
"It's dumb."  
"No go on, what can I do?"  
"Can you move my right foot over to the right by like 5 centimetres?"  
"That's not dumb." Josh supported him whilst leaning over and moving Tyler's braced foot across.  
"Thanks," he said as he finally heaved himself up.

"Now what?"  
"Now I go meet Chase then go to his house and win back my wife I guess."  
"Right okay," Josh smiled, then opened the door for Tyler and followed cautiously behind his hobbled steps.

He was off the gait belt and walking independently but it scared the shit out of Josh quite frankly, desperate not for him to slip on the stick that held seemingly his entire body weight and fall and bang his head and go back to the start. As he followed, he couldn't tear his eyes from the scars visible on Tyler's scalp where his hair no longer grew. Two were straight surgery scars, but there were also cracks that reminded Josh of a bashed egg shell. Reminded him of Tyler's smashed skull leaking on the sidewalk beneath his apartment block.

"Hi, you must be Tyler, great to finally meet you," Chase smiled, almost extending his hand for him to shake before Josh quickly caught him doing so and shook his head rapidly, causing him to withdraw it casually.  
"Chase right? You too,"  
"Yeah, J's told me all about you."  
"All good things I hope?" Tyler smiled as he sniffed away his final tears.   
"Haha of course," Chase lied in response.

"Ty's feeling a bit calmer now Chase," Josh told him.  
"Yeah I can see that," the younger replied warmly. "Glad you're doing a bit better."  
"Thank you, and thank you for looking after Josh and Jenna whilst I flipped." Tyler said quietly.  
"Not a problem man, Grandpa over there is potentially the most awesome dude on the planet."  
"True," Tyler smiled and Josh waved off the compliment.

"I just work myself up sometimes, get frustrated, flip out on people. I, I don't mean it."  
"I know you don't Ty, honestly, it's okay." Josh told his friend truthfully.   
"I am sorry though, truly sorry,"  
"Forgiven and forgotten mate,"  
"Sure? I said some shitty stuff,"  
"And I left you here without your cane, so we're evens okay? Let's not even bring this up again, forgiven and forgotten."  
"Forgiven and forgotten." Tyler agreed, seeming satisfied.

"Tyler, is it okay if I have a quick word with Josh?"  
"Um, uh yeh okay,"  
"Want me to help you sit somewhere?" Josh offered.  
"No no, I'll just um, yeah I'll hobble down the hall and wait by the front door." Tyler said, and Josh begrudgingly held the door to the hall open for him and watched the disabled man slowly make his way back down it, feeling guilty for not going with him when he so clearly had a loneliness complex.

"K talk to me, anxiety 1 to 100,"   
"Like 35 40, I'm okay," Josh exhaled with a hand in his yellow hair.  
"Josh anything over 0 is not okay,"  
"Well it is for me, anything less than 90 is good for me."  
"Please Josh, you're shaking, let me take you back to my place and calm you down. So much has happened in the past half hour and I really don't want you to panic,"  
"You don't understand, Ty, he's vulnerable and afraid and he needs me,"  
"But everything he said about Luke, y-"  
"Chase, didn't you hear what we said? Forgiven and forgotten."  
"Your son though J, he-"  
"I'm gonna stop you right there because you're right, Luke's my son and I get to decide who I forgive when they make an error of judgement or cross a line. I forgive Tyler because he is clearly unwell, whereas if you keep bringing him up when you are fully aware of the impact even his name has on me when maybe I won't be so quick to forgive." Josh told him clearly but perhaps a little bitterly.

"Woah, where did that come from? I'm sorry, alright, I'm just trying to look out for you. You've told me what a bad friend this guy can be and I'm trying to look out for you because I care. That's why I came along, to protect you from getting hurt."  
"You're right, I'm sorry, I know you mean well, my uh, my head's just a mess right now, I'm sorry for snapping, and thanks for coming Chase. Just please, trust I know what I'm doing when it comes to Ty,"   
"I trust you." Chase nodded, and Josh smiled gratefully then followed Tyler down the hall, closely followed by his young friend.

"Ready to go?" Tyler asked with a smile and Josh was relieved to see that all the tears seemed to have dried up.  
"Yep, need any help with anything?"  
"I've already got shoes on, Jenna makes me wear them to help with my feet, but do you mind helping me with a coat?"  
"Not at all," Josh replied as he saw Tyler's Brooklyn jacket hanging up, what was once his favourite but who knew anymore, and took it down from the peg.

"Here, I'll take it," Chase offered as Tyler looked around for somewhere to rest his cane, then Chase took the aid and Josh was able to put the jacket on his friend. He began by threading his right hand through the sleeve in its brace, then simply held the other side up and allowed Tyler to slide his other arm in.  
"Cheers," Tyler said to both of them as he took the cane back.

"Where are Jenna's keys?" Josh asked.  
"Hmm?"  
"Her car keys? We walked so we don't have a car, but I'll just take her's to whizz you over."  
"How far's your house Chase?"  
"Oh not far at all." Chase replied honestly but didn't quite think it through.  
"We can just walk then." Tyler told Josh.  
"Ty what's the furthest you've walked since you went into hospital?"  
"I did 122 metres on the treadmill the other day."  
"And then what?"  
"Got a head spin and had to lie down, but I'll be okay."  
"Ty I'd say it's probably 5 times as far to Chase's. It's alright mate, I'll drive you across, it's not a problem."  
"I wanna walk."  
"Well how about this, you two walk together at Ty's pace and I'll walk at mine. Once I get to my house I'll get my car and come pick you up and drive you the rest of the way?" Chase offered and Josh turned to Tyler and waited for him to evaluate the suggestion.

"And you'll stay with me J?"  
"All the way." He nodded.  
"Okay, um, thanks Chase."  
"Yeah thanks Chase," Josh smiled, then opened the door and let his friend get a head start.

"Alright is there anything else you need? Anything at all?" Josh asked Tyler once Chase left.  
"Sunglasses," he said, picking up a pair and putting them on using one hand without a problem. "Bright light hurts my eyes,"  
"Anything else? Any meds I should be carrying in case you need them or anything along those lines?"  
"You're just stalling so I don't get to walk as far," Tyler complained lightheartedly.  
"I'm just a worrier, but if you're alright then let's go."

Josh opened the front door again and stepped down the small step, then turned and helped steady Tyler as he very slowly climbed down with a great deal of difficulty. Once Tyler took several laboured but practiced steps further down his path, Josh shut and locked the door then shoved his key into his pocket and went back to Tyler's side.

"Alright Jenna's probably gonna kill me for letting you do this, but I'll let you walk on the condition that you tell me if you start feeling unwell. If you have a dizzy spell-"  
"Head spin," Tyler corrected as they slowly walked.  
"Okay, a head spin, whatever you call it, then you tell me immediately and I'll help you sit down until you feel better. Same if you're tired or faint or think you might have a fit, just tell me."  
"Josh I'm fine,"

"Are you though?" Josh asked gently as they slowly turned onto the sidewalk and towards Chase's.  
"I was just exhausted, it was the end of physio and I hadn't had anything to drink for the whole session,"  
"Huh?"  
"That's why I had to lie down after I walked for ages last time, that's what you meant right?"  
"No, Ty, I meant the crying. The shouting and then the crying."  
"Oh," Tyler sighed as he swayed side to side whilst barely moving forwards.

"You wanna talk about it?"  
"I don't have an answer if that's what you're after."  
"No no, I just wondered whether you wanted to talk it through. You don't have to, but it's what we used to do before you got injured. Just talk about things," Josh told him as they slowly slowly crawled along the sidewalk, barely past the end of Tyler and Jenna's garden fence.

"I remember,"  
"You do?" Josh asked.  
"Course I do, with the um, with my thoughts, my schizophrenia, just talking on your roof."  
"Yeah that's right, although I don't think rooftops are gonna be hosts anytime soon."  
"No," Tyler hummed as he repeated his very well practiced and yet very unsteady sequence in order to take a step forward.

"I feel shit Josh."  
"Let's stop here then."  
"No, no I mean I feel low, I feel not right, angry and frustrated and just, I dunno, sad I suppose."   
"Right," Josh listened, giving him time to expand further if he could.

"Started day before yesterday. I was um, there's this episode of whose line is it anyway and I dunno why but I just absolutely loved it. Jenna puts it on everyday because she knows I loved it and I was watching it and all of a sudden it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I burst into tears."  
"What did Ty? What hit you?"  
"I, I can't do anything Josh." Tyler said emotionally, stopping in his tracks with tears in his eyes.

"I'm listening Tyler, keep talking." Josh reassured him.  
"Can we sit?" He asked, "I can't stand,"  
"You can stand, you are standing, but yes of course we can sit." The older of the two told him, then cautiously but helpfully guided Tyler down onto the grass bank that ran parallel to the sidewalk. Only once he was sure Tyler was comfortable did he sit beside him.

"I'm 28 years old and my heavily pregnant wife has to dress me."  
"Do you think that makes her hate you Tyler?" Josh asked. "Do you think your wife hates you because you can't do up some shirt buttons yet?"  
"It's not just buttons, it's everything. I can't dress myself at all, not even bloody socks. I can't climb stairs, I can't remember how the damn TV works, I can't cut up my own dinner, I can't stay awake past 8pm, I can't wash my hands, I can't tie my laces, I can't open packets, I can't make the bed, I can't work the dishwasher, I-"  
"Tyler, does that make Jenna hate you?" He interrupted his friend who was working himself up.  
"It will, she'll get tired, get frustrated, start to resent me."

"You know, when you were in hospital, Jenna and I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about what we would do for pretty much every single outcome we could possibly imagine. Everything. And sometimes the plans were shared, sometimes they were unsaid, sometimes they were argued over. But there's one I remember very specifically. You were on the vent with no sign of coming off, no sign of any kind of change or improvement in any aspect. I had been thinking that horrific question, do we turn it off, and I'd been thinking it for days and days but I hadn't said anything. It only took a few seconds once I did finally open my mouth before Jenna immediately told me not to even say it aloud because there was no way in hell that she would ever even consider it. You know what she did say though? She told me that she'd been doing some research and she could take you home with her, still on the vent. Ty she was genuinely considering being a full time carer of you comatose and ventilated. Think about that for a minute yeah? She was willing to completely devote every hour of her day to your care whilst knowing that you probably wouldn't wake up and wouldn't be able to repay the favour and wouldn't be able to feel grateful." Josh told him, watching as a stray tear silently rolled down his face.

"And I know it probably feels like she's your full time carer right now because admittedly she does do a lot for you, but you love her Tyler. She loves you more than you can ever comprehend and I've seen that at its absolute rawest, and you have the ability to love her back. Don't underestimate the value and importance of love. Jenna helps you and in return you love her, and that makes her the happiest woman in the world. She knows what she almost lost and that only enhances how precious and special the time you share is, and I know for a fact that she would rather be dressing you than have you in a nursing home with a stranger dressing you. She wants to help, she loves you and she would do anything for you."  
"Mmm," Tyler hummed, watching passing cars.

"And you know what you're forgetting Ty? You're getting better. Every single day you're getting better and you're able to be more independent and cope better with activities and practicalities of being at home."  
"I want to be better now."  
"You're making amazing progress, it won't be long."  
"I'm sick of Silver Oaks, I don't wanna do it anymore."  
"Ty I know it must suck but it's what's helping you to get better."  
"I don't wanna do this anymore Josh."  
"Any of it?" Josh asked, heart sinking.  
"I've had enough of being like this, of doing this to Jenna."  
"So what do you want to do Ty?"  
"You know what I want to do." He said blankly and Josh felt like crying suddenly. "I've tried before, heck, it's how I got myself into this mess, and I'm not scared of it. But I, I doubt I could even do anything, can't exactly tie a noose with one hand."

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
"You know, when you said you'd take me to physio today, I kinda thought that was code for something fun." Tyler grumbled as Josh pulled into Silver Oaks parking lot.  
"Well if you're a good boy then we can get ice cream on the way back," Josh kidded whilst reversing into a space.  
"Gee whiz, ice cream? Thanks Grandpa!" He groaned sarcastically.  
"Sound like Chase,"  
"Yeah what's up with that kid, he's like 15 or something right?"  
"21, so yeah, child."

"Why do you hang out with him?"  
"I dunno, he's a laugh," Josh smiled as he turned the engine off. "And he's just a nice guy, lot of fun, looks after me."  
"Hitting on you?"  
"I know I'm handsome but not every gay guy who's nice to me is trying to get with me."  
"Wait so he is gay?"  
"Oh, yeh, did I not tell you?"  
"J you never tell me anything." Tyler said quietly and Josh's smile fell as he realised his friend was actually upset.

"Chase is gay and, in spite of what my mother thinks, I'm not. We talked about it, he knows about Debby and Luke, he knows I'm not ready for a relationship and even if I was, it wouldn't be with another guy. Besides, there's someone at the bar we go to with his roommates who he's into at the moment, so I'm supposed to be playing the role of wingman at some point. That is if he ever plucks up the courage, which is seeming unlikely, wimp," Josh decided to try and gossip with his old friend.  
"Hmm," Tyler sighed, playing with the Velcro on his wrist brace.

"You okay?"  
"No," he shook his head.  
"Anything I can do?"  
"No,"   
"Should we just go in?"  
"I really don't want to J."  
"What's so bad about it?"  
"Josh I've spent the last 6 months in hospital, I finally come home, only to come back for yet more time in hospital. I'm sick of that place and I'm sick of doing the same 6 exercises every day and I'm sick of being sick. I just want one day, one hour even, when I don't have to think about targets and regimes and progress charts."  
"One hour, I can give you one hour." Josh decided, turning the engine back on and driving the car out of the parking lot and away from the rehab.

"Now what?" Tyler sighed, not looking up from the brace fastening he ripped then stuck then ripped then stuck. "I can't do anything except sit and watch TV."  
"Well what do you want to do?" Josh asked, turning onto the high street.  
"Anything except sit and watch TV."  
"Hmm, Taco Bell? It's sorta tradition."  
"I can't eat meals by myself,"  
"Only takes one hand to eat a taco."   
"Josh I said I can't!" Tyler snapped.  
"I'm sorry,"

"This is hopeless. There's nothing I want to do or I can do. I don't want to go to Silver Oaks, I don't want to sit at home, I can't do anything else."  
"Tyler you can do so much more than you think you can."  
"How the Hell do you know?! I'm surprised you even know my name, too busy with your perfect fucking job and your perfect fucking friends and your perfect fucking social life. I get it, okay?! You hate me, just take me home."   
"Alright you, aquarium time it is," Josh decided, turning down the appropriate road.

"Can't."  
"Yep you can, we used to go all the time so I know all the secret hidden bench locations if you need a break, plus most of tanks have those tunnels with a travelator so you won't even have to walk. There's lifts to go upstairs and no steps on each floor so you can access everywhere I promise. Then your reading is coming along great so you'll be able to read all the boards, or if you don't want to then you can just look at all the fish. There's nothing there you can't do,"

Josh looked across at his best friend before quickly looking back up at the road ahead. He didn't know exactly what was going through Tyler's head, no one even stood a chance at guessing, but he looked miserable and Josh could understand why. To have so much ability and strength stripped from you, so much freedom denied, it would break even the strongest of fighters. And to feel like your best friend wasn't supporting you along the way would simply be the final nail in the coffin. Josh couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt.

 

  
"Here we are, that well established healthy lunch of red bull and Doritos." Josh smiled as he walked back over to the bench were Tyler was and sat beside him, both facing towards a tank of tropical fish. After almost an hour exploring the well known centre, they had stopped for a bite to eat before planning to continue upstairs.

"Thanks," Tyler murmured quietly as Josh opened a can and a bag of chips for him, positioning them carefully.  
"They were selling tuna sandwiches and I almost bought one just for the irony,"  
"You hate tuna," he smiled slightly.  
"I do," Josh smiled back, for whatever reason he was happy that Tyler remembered that small and random detail about him.

"Did um, did you come here a lot when I was in hospital?"  
"Nope, not even once." Josh replied. "Probably ought to have done, might have helped, but didn't wanna leave your side to be honest Ty. Plus, well you know, this is our place. We do it together, wouldn't have felt right without you."   
"Did you have any? Whilst I was out of it?"  
"Panic attacks?" The yellow haired man checked as he sipped his red bull.  
"Uh huh," Tyler nodded whilst trying to get a Dorito from his pack that kept moving due to his inability to hold it still. Josh wanted to help but could also see that Tyler had a method and it was almost working, so gave him more time to perfect it.

"Yeh couple of big ones actually." Josh told him and he listened. "General anxiety just sorta hit me big time I guess, but I'm back with Dr Miriam, back on the meds, getting myself back on track."  
"Like being 17 again,"  
"Pretty much, escaping to the aquarium when our heads are being bullies."   
"I still find it soothing." Tyler said, watching the fish spiral in front of them.  
"You do?"  
"Yeah,"  
"I'm glad Tyler," Josh smiled honestly.

"I'm, uh, I'm sorry I snap sometimes."  
"That's alright, I understand, must be really frustrating."  
"Mmm," Tyler agreed, and Josh knew that it was an understatement to say the least. "And I, um, I have a headache, really bad, all the time. Makes me irritable."  
"Right, can they do anything for it?"  
"There's pain meds but they won't prescribe me any because I'm high risk for addiction 'cause of my mental health."  
"That sucks,"  
"Apparently I'll get used to it, but it's been weeks and I can assure you that I'm definitely not used to it."  
"Is there anything that makes it worse?"  
"S'like a migraine, bright lights, loud noises, that sorta thing."  
"I'm really sorry Tyler,"

"But coming here, it's been good," he said quietly, perhaps a little shyly. "Thanks,"  
"Oh that's alright Ty, I've had fun too. And if you ever need a trip to the aquarium, or anything at all, call me okay? Even if you just need to talk to someone about nothing, call me."  
"Thank you,"  
"And hey, we haven't done your favourite bit yet, haven't touched the baby sting rays in the nursery pool."  
"You think, um, you think I'll be able to?"  
"I reckon so. I mean you took on a Dorito packet and won, I reckon you could take on a sting ray." Josh smiled, happy to see that Tyler has finished his bag.  
"I'll try,"  
"And that's all I can ask Ty, try your best."

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
As Josh said a cheery goodbye to the sour faced menopausal bitch of a woman who he hoped would be his last customer before his lunch break, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. With a quick glance up to check his boss wasn't in view, he fished the device out and opened the message from Jenna.

Jenna: Hey, can I ask a favour?   
Josh: Hit me  
Jenna: Do you mind swinging by the house during your lunch break and making sure Tyler gets something to eat? He was feeling down this morning but told me it was okay for me to go out with my sisters. I've only been gone 2 hours and I'm stressing that there's no food he can prepare/he won't eat anything. Please just check in on him?  
Josh: Of course, happy to  
Jenna: Thank you x

Josh checked the time and saw he was due to go in 10 minutes anyway.  
"Chase?" He called to his friend who was rearranging vinyls down the side of the wall. His head poked around the edge of a shelving cabinet as he made eye contact with Josh.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you cover me for a bit? Need to go check on Tyler."  
"Yeah course man, you coming back today?"  
"Yeah yeah, I'll be back after lunch."  
"No problem, say hey from me."  
"Cheers bud, owe you one."  
"One day I'm actually gonna cash in all these favours and live a life of luxury." Chase muttered jokingly as he filled Josh's place behind the cash register.

 

Tyler didn't answer the door after Josh's first couple of knocks, but they were more polite than functional. The guy rarely actually answered and Josh didn't mind, just put his specially cut key in the lock and entered the house.

Even with all the adjustments they had to make to suit Tyler's needs, the old house was still beautiful. Josh wasn't sure whether it was Jenna's feminine touch or simply the sign of two mature adults building a home together, but Josh was always envious of its simple yet stunning interior design. His place was a complete wreck and saw a vacuum once every blue moon.

"Tyler? It's Josh. You want some lunch buddy?" He called out as he wandered into the kitchen and set down his phone and keys, opening the fridge and surveying its content. As he did, his pulled at the collar of his work polo which clung to his neck slightly too tight for comfort.

"Ty?" Josh called out again loudly when Tyler didn't reply. He shut the fridge door again and walked out of the kitchen in pursuit of finding the missing home owner. A quick check of the living room and study came up with nothing, but as he went upstairs to check the bedroom, he heard the whirring sound of the extractor fan in the bathroom.

"Tyler? Everything alright?" Josh asked, stopping by the door, light seeping through the gap.  
"Josh?" A voice called out quiet and strained, making him panic a little.  
"Need me to come in?"  
"Josh," he whispered again, and it was all Josh needed to push the thankfully unlocked door open. Immediately his heart stopped as he took in the scene. Tyler was laying naked at an awkward angle on the floor, his right leg hooked on the edge of the bathtub that the shower fed into. The shower curtain was ripped from its pole and both lay on the ground beside him, and bottles were spread everywhere.

"Oh shit, Tyler it's okay, I'm here," Josh told him, picking up a towel and quickly crouching down next to him. He covered his modesty with the fabric, then carefully moved Tyler's bad leg from the bath and placed it down on the tiles next to his other. Josh then shuffled slightly so that he could wrap both his arms around Tyler's torso and sit him up, then turn him and lean him against the side of the bath.

"I fell. Getting out of the shower, I, I fell." Tyler whispered quietly, staring into the distance as Josh sat next to him.  
"How long were you there?"  
"How long's Jenna been gone?"  
"2 and a half hours,"  
"2 hours." Tyler murmured.  
"Shit Tyler," Josh sighed. "Come on, let's get you off this floor." He decided, rocking off his butt and onto his feet and facing Tyler. Josh extended his arms around Tyler again and stood up, lifting Tyler to his feet as well. Tyler couldn't keep hold of the towel and it fell to the ground, but Josh leant down and picked it up then wrapped and tucked it around Tyler's hips. Tyler's left foot took the brunt of his weight whereas his right only touched the floor via its toes. Josh looked around the trashed bathroom to find Tyler's cane for him but unable to locate it.

"Lean on me, I'll walk you to the bedroom." Josh offered before reconsidering. "Or I can carry you if you need." Tyler just sighed shakily before wrapping his right arm around Josh's neck, and Josh placed an arm around his side and helped him to hop and hobble into his and Jenna's bedroom. Josh made sure that Tyler was sat safely on the double bed before sitting down next to him.

"Did you get hurt at all?"  
"No, I'm fine, I uh, I banged my wrist but it's okay." He murmured quietly, bringing his left arm up and inspecting it. Josh's eyes widened as he saw the clearly swollen clearly dented forearm.  
"Jesus Tyler, we've gotta take you to the ER, that's broken," Josh told him, standing up again and going into Tyler's drawers to get him some clothes to wear.  
"No,"   
"I'm gonna drive you and I'll take the rest of the day off work and we'll get this sorted I promise," Josh muttered as he hurried around the room in a panic.  
"No,"  
"Tyler," he sighed, slowing down and crouching on the floor opposite him. "Tyler you've broken your wrist, I need to take you to the hospital so they can reset it and give you a cast, otherwise it won't heal properly."  
"No no no no no not hospital no," he whispered before breaking down into tears. Josh hadn't seen him so afraid in a long time and his heart broke. He put down the shirt and shorts he had picked out and sat next to Tyler again.

"It's okay Ty, it's okay,"  
"I'm gonna be in the chair when Darcy's born," he sobbed, confusing Josh a little. Josh simply wrapped an arm around Tyler's bare back and let him lean his head against his shoulder as he cried.  
"What do you mean?" Josh asked sensitively.  
"I c-can't walk with-out myy c-cane, and, and, I can't use my cane b-becau-se, my r-right ha-nd doesn't work-k and now my, my left i-is brok-en too," Tyler broke down and Josh's stomach dropped as he realised Tyler was right.

"We'll talk to the doctors in the ER and your rehab team and see what solutions we can come up with. But Ty listen okay, even if you need the wheelchair again, it's only going to be for a few weeks. It's only a few weeks,"  
"Darcy's due in two," he whispered, wiping his tears with the side of his curled right wrist. Josh very rarely saw it without a splint on so he couldn't help but watch.

"That's something to look forward to then yeah? Your little girl's going to be in your arms soon."  
"My arms covered in a fibreglass splint and a plaster cast." Tyler whispered, sobs subsiding but tears streaming down his face silently as he stared into the distance again.  
"She's going to love you so much Tyler, it doesn't matter about the medical side of things, all she'll know is that you're her daddy and you're going to protect her and care for her forever. You'll be her whole universe. And just think Ty, if you're in the chair then you can hold her when you're going places with Jenna. Have her little body on your lap."  
"Hold her? I can't hold her."  
"Yes you can." Josh told him.  
"I have one working limb Josh, I, I can't be responsible for a little girl's life. I can't do it," Tyler whispered, biting his lip shakily as he failed to hold back another flurry of tears. "I can't do anything,"  
"That's not true Tyler. Now I remember when you couldn't do anything. I remember when you couldn't breathe by yourself. I remember when you couldn't focus your eyes. I remember when you couldn't move. And now look at you ay? Okay maybe this isn't your finest moment, but on the grand scale of things you've done staggeringly well."

"I miss, I miss writing," he said sadly.  
"I know you do Ty."  
"Whenever I used to feel like this - pointless, useless pathetic - I would write. And now I can't even do that."  
"Yet, but you will eventually. I know it's private, but Jenna sent me a photo of the paper where you had been practising writing your name with your left hand-"  
"Couldn't do it."  
"No not quite, but you were practicing and that's the important part. I remember us having a similar conversation about you standing up - you couldn't do it, felt like it was a lost cause, but you practiced and persevered and now you're running rings round us all again." Josh said, and Tyler seemed to be listening. "You'll get there Ty, just be patient with yourself. Today was crap but it doesn't erase all the hard work you've put in these past few months."

"Getting out the shower, I uh, I usually put my bad leg over first then sit on the side of the bath and um, and swing the other one over," Tyler began explaining a moment later.  
"Yeah," Josh listened, arm still wrapped around his shoulder supportively.  
"I forgot, I was thinking too much, and I put my left over first but I can't lift my right high enough and I wobbled and slipped, and I hit my wrist on the bath as I went down."  
"Right,"  
"I couldn't get my leg off the bath, and I tried to pull myself up on the shower curtain but my grip's really shaky so it ripped down and the pole knocked me out."  
"Shit it knocked you out? Tyler we've got to get you to the hospital, we need to get your head scanned as well as your arm." Josh panicked once more, standing back up and collecting Tyler's clothes again.

"You get why yeah?" He called out as he faced the wall whilst finally frantically finding Tyler's splints in the drawer and getting them out.  
"Yeah, brain injury. Fine I'll go." Tyler nodded to Josh's relief.  
"Thank you Ty."

"Can you um, will you dress me?" He asked nervously as Josh put the pile next to him.  
"Yeah course," Josh agreed, picking up the pair of black boxer briefs and kneeling down to the floor. Tyler easily slid his left foot through one leg, but Josh had to manipulate his other - which turned inwards awkwardly - through the other hole. He pulled them up past Tyler's knees then helped Tyler to lean his weight against him so that he could pull them up the final bit. They did the same with the basketball shorts.

"Be careful," Josh warned him as he bunched up the sleeve of the T-shirt ready for Tyler to slide his broken wrist through. "Actually I think it's too swollen Ty, I don't wanna push it."  
"Tank tops are second drawer." He told Josh, who quickly grabbed one instead and helped Tyler to put it on, still having to pull Tyler's right hand when he couldn't straighten it.

"Splints?"  
"Yeah I gotta, I'm supposed to have them all the time, and I uh, and I just had a 2 hour break." Tyler sniffed away his last tears.  
"Okay, foot first?"  
"Foot," he nodded, so Josh picked up the device.

The best way Josh could describe it was the letter L. It was a rigid non-flexible plastic L that was specially moulded to fit Tyler and it ran underneath his foot then up the back of his Achilles heel and calf, stopping just below the knee. Josh slotted Tyler's twisted foot into it, then did up the straps.  
"Comfy?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded, so Josh stood back up.

As Josh took Tyler's right wrist in his hand, he noticed his friend was shaking considerably. He held him gently whilst picking up the brace with his other hand, the straps already undone. Josh guided the limp hand into the solid fibreglass splint, also an exact mould of Tyler's injured limb. It was the fourth version of the support that Tyler had been through, but finally they had made one that wasn't causing him additional discomfort. So Josh strapped his arm into it, then rested it back down on the bed.

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"It's gonna be okay you know,"  
"Mmm," Tyler nodded, not seeming convinced.  
"I'll take you to the hospital and get some help."  
"You're gonna have to carry me down the stairs." He murmured numbly.

 

 

  
As Josh sat next to Tyler's hospital bed, a little different but still hauntingly similar to the ICU, he sighed to himself. The X ray had confirmed a nasty break to his arm and they had protected it with a blue plaster cast, but the brain scan results were yet to come back.

Josh had wanted to call Jenna as soon as they arrived, but Tyler worked himself up into another fit of tears that was only relieved when Josh agreed to wait until they had some more news. Tyler was desperate not to unnecessarily worry his 8 and a half months pregnant wife, and Josh begrudgingly admitted he was probably right. But still he felt uncomfortable with her not knowing.

"Hello stranger," Dr Hansen smiled as he walked over to the cubicle, clipboard in hand.  
"Hi," Tyler murmured quietly, not breaking eye contact with his new cast.  
"Saw your name on the neuro board, had to come down from ICU and take the case for myself." The old man said warmly as he opened the file. "How are you?"  
"Peachy."

"Alright Tyler, I get it, bad day." Dr Hansen sympathised. "Sooo, slipped out the shower, broke your wrist, lost consciousness when a shower pole hit you on the parietal ridge of your skull." He read from the form.  
"Yep," Tyler popped his P frustrated.  
"Okay let's get straight to the point, I had a look at your CT scan and compared it to your 3 month post-injury scan and I don't see any real cause for concern." He told them, and Josh let out an obvious sigh of relief.

"Because you are presenting some symptoms of concussion and your history with brain injury, we are going to keep you in for 24 hours to monitor you, but it's purely precautionary."  
"No, I'm not staying." Tyler said replied stubbornly.  
"I'm afraid discharge isn't on the table right now Tyler."  
"I won't have Jenna home alone, and she's certainly not sleeping on a plastic chair. She's almost full term, I need to be home with her."  
"Is there anyone you could contact to stay with her? Family perhaps? Because you're not in a fit state to take care of her or to leave the hospital." Dr Hansen broke it to him bluntly.

"How dare you?! I take care of her."  
"I'm sure you do Tyler, but right now you need to be resting. You've had a nasty fall, whether or not you have a concussion isn't the only factor in play - you're going to be bruised and hurting for the next couple of days, plus you've got a broken wrist and you're not going to be walking for the next 6 weeks. Tyler you need to be more careful with your body."  
"No, I need to be with my wife."  
"Your wife, Jenna, can you imagine how distraught she would be if you further increased the damage already done to your brain? The baby will be born soon and she'll need you Tyler, she'll need you on your top form and that's not going to happen if you're not resting."  
"I need to be with my wife."

"You need to be patient and gentle with yourself,"  
"I need to go home."  
"And you will, just not today. Tyler take the next couple of hours to get some sleep and check in with Jenna, maybe Josh could stay at the house with her tonight?" Dr Hansen suggested.

"This is your fault, I told you I didn't want to come to hospital," Tyler growled at Josh.  
"Tyl-" Josh began to reply, but stopped abruptly as Tyler suddenly threw up, vomiting all down the front of his hospital gown.  
"Oop okay, Amanda," Dr Hansen said, calling out to a passing nurse. The woman stopped, saw the vomit, then went and grabbed a trolley and began cleaning him up.

"Okay Tyler I know you don't want to hear this, but you have to stay here, non optional. You're a high risk patient, you've sustained a traumatic brain injury, you've had brain surgery, you have epilepsy, and now you're vomiting which is a sign of a head injury."  
"But-" Tyler began to protest.  
"No let me finish. If you leave this hospital then you are putting yourself in serious danger. And Tyler, I don't want to have to do this, but if you attempt to leave then I will have to detain you under the mental capacity act. If you've decide that you don't need to be in hospital then that suggests to me that you're lacking mental capacity. That means you're unable to make a decision for yourself in relation to this matter because of an impairment of, or a disturbance in the functioning of, the mind or brain."  
"I'm going home,"   
"Traumatic brain injury and a schizophrenia diagnosis, Tyler I am confident that my application would be granted and you would be detained with all your freedom of choice stripped from you. Just think about it Tyler, wouldn't you rather stay as a voluntary patient?"  
"I'd rather go home."  
"I'm going to call Jenna Tyler, she'll reassure you that she'll be okay whilst you rest here." Josh told him.

 

  
"I just, phwww," Jenna breathed out through pursed lips as she paced the end of Tyler's hospital bed, tears running down her cheeks as one hand supported her back and the other rubbed her massive baby bump. "I just don't understand why you were using that bathroom Tyler. We put the wet room in so that this wouldn't happen."  
"It's for retards."  
"Tyler!" She exclaimed, a sob joining the tears.  
"Jenna come on, stay calm," Carrie, Jenna's sister, supported her, standing up and rubbing her shoulder as she covered her face with her hand.

"Don't use that word Tyler. Don't say it." She told her husband.  
"It's true."  
"It's not, and I don't like you saying it. They're for anyone Tyler, I love using ours, but you have to use it, okay?! You need to."  
"I don't need to."  
"Yes you do Tyler. You are disabled-"  
"I'm not." He interrupted defensively.  
"Baby," she cracked, stopping pacing and instead stood at his bedside and held his right limp hand in hers.

"Jenna take my chair," Josh insisted, standing up and moving it for her. She turned to face him with a sad nod, so he guided her carefully down onto the seat and rubbed her back supportively, then stepped back to stand with Carrie and let her continue to talk to Tyler.

"Sweetheart look at me, look at me,"  
"I am!" Tyler complained as he begrudgingly turned to face his wife.  
"Tyler you very nearly died baby, but God decided to save you, decided to give you a second chance, and I am so grateful. You're my whole world Tyler, you're my husband and my best friend and the father of my child. I loved you so so much before your injury, and I love you so so much now. You've been so brave, you've blown us all away with how brave you've been. And you have no idea how happy I was when you came home, and for a while you were too. But you're not happy anymore Ty, I know you're not happy. I know it's scary baby, I know it's frightening and overwhelming, but you need to trust me when I say that it's okay you're disabled. It's okay." She told him, and Josh watched the words impact Tyler, watched as a tear rolled down his check, as he choked in a wavering breath.

"I, I, I d-don't want you to lea-ve me,"  
"Tyler I am never going to leave you, okay? Never. I love you." She told him tearfully. "When we first got together I loved you from the moment you came up to me. And do you remember sitting in your apartment a couple of months later, and you told me you had schizophrenia and you were crying and you were so scared that I was going to leave you. Did I?"  
"No," he whispered.  
"No, I didn't leave you no matter how sick you got, and I'm not going to leave you now because you're sick either. Tyler that stuff doesn't change how I feel about you, I love you no matter what."  
"And I love you too, I, I just,"  
"Just what sweetheart?"  
"It'll upset you, you shouldn't be upset,"  
"Tyler I want you to open up to me darling, we haven't properly talked in ages. I'm your wife, I'm here to support you,"  
"I hate being a burden on you Jenna," he revealed, crying again.  
"Oh Tyler," she cried, then opened up her arms to embrace him. He shuffled on the bed and leant down and hugged her tight, tears streaming down his face. Josh swallowed hard as he watched the couple, watched his best friend break down and channel raw heart wrenching emotion.

"You're not a burden baby, you're not, you're perfect."  
"I'm b-br-oken,"  
"You're perfect. I don't care about the injury, you hear me? I don't care. If you get better than I'll be happy because you'll be happy, but if you don't then I don't care Tyler. I love you the way you are. I love you like this, I love you and I love Darcy and she'll love you so much baby, so much. You are disabled but that's not all you are, you're a best friend and a husband and soon you're going to be a father."

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
Josh and Maria were sat in her and Chase's living room watching some old rerun of fresh prince of bel air, and Josh was braiding her hair. The perks of growing up with two younger sisters was that he was used to French plaiting in all sorts of adventurous ways and Chase's roommate was quick to take advantage of that. She sat on the carpeted floor with a beer whilst he perched on the edge of the couch.

He really liked her, and yet there was no awkwardness in spite of their opposite genders. She was very happily in a relationship with George and Josh was very happily just her friend. They got on well, they all did.

"Quit moving!" He cried out as he came to a difficult bit of the intricate hairstyle.   
"But it's funny!" She complained, gesturing towards the screen.  
"You're as bad as Abi,"  
"Hey Abi's awesome, she ma fave Dun."  
"Oi!" Josh laughed, twisting another piece of her auburn hair into the braid.

"JOSH!"  
"Yeah?!" He yelled back to Chase in the other room.  
"Josh, your phone, it's Tyler," Chase said, running in with the ringing device.  
"It's okay J, just let go," Maria told him, so Josh dropped her long hair and reached out and took his phone, quickly walking out of the room for a little privacy.

"Ty, hey man," he said, holding his phone to his ear after answering it.  
"Josh,"  
"Yeah it's me, everything alright?"  
"Jo-osh," he whimpered, and Josh realised his friend was crying.  
"Tyler I'm at Chase's, I can be at your place in 5 minutes, just keep talking to me. I'm coming mate," Josh reassured him, walking back into the room where Chase and Maria were talking.

"Gotta go to him?" Chase asked and Josh nodded then waved.  
"Bye," Maria waved back but Josh was already half way out the door.

"Tyler what's happening?"  
"I'm s-sc-ared,"  
"It's alright, I promise it's going to be okay, I'm on my way. What's going on Ty? Can you tell me why you're scared?"  
"I, I, c-ca-n't do thisss,"  
"Yes you can Tyler, yes you can. Whatever's happening, you're more than capable. Deep breaths, I'm on my way,"  
"J-o-osh,"  
"Ty are you hurt? Did you fall again?" Josh asked, sprinting along the sidewalk towards his friend.

"Ty?"  
"Make it st-o-op,"  
"Make what stop? Talk to me."  
"You ha-ave to he-lp, me,"  
"I'm coming I promise, you know that house on the corner of Elm Close? The one with the green door? I'm just running past there now. Not much longer now Ty, you're doing great, deep breaths. And now I'm by that house where there's always that tabby cat by the window. He's sat there now, watching me run, I'm almost there I promise," Josh tried to distract his friend, who continued to cry down the line.

"Is Jen there Ty?"  
"Josh p-lease,"  
"Alright buddy, almost there, almost there. Try to calm your breathing down best you can. Remember that time we went to Michigan together? Went to that lake? It was-"  
"HURRY UP!" He suddenly screeched and Josh surged forwards into an even faster sprint, genuinely terrified for his friend's wellbeing. Words could no longer form as he raced forwards, but still he held the phone up in case Tyler said something, anything, that could help him figure out what on earth was happening.

Finally he came up to their house and had to scramble to make the sharp turn, then legged it up the step and pushed the door open.  
"Tyler! Tyler I'm here! Where are you?" He called out, quickly running straight down the hall to the kitchen where the cries were coming from. Sure enough Tyler was there in his wheelchair, his left leg hugged up against his chest by his two plastered arms as he sobbed against the single knee he was able to raise.  
  
"Tyler, come on it's okay, are you hurt? Are you physically hurt?" Josh asked, crouching down next to him.  
"No," he shook his head, eyes still squeezed closed as he whimpered.  
"What happened?"  
"Josh? Is that you?" He heard Jenna call out, then turned as she entered the room with a duffle bag on her shoulder and both hands on her belly.

"What's going on?"  
"Josh I told him not to call you, I'm so sor-" she began apologising, then suddenly stopped and had to lean against the worktop with a pained expression and a hiss.  
"Darcy's coming early," Tyler cried and Josh suddenly had a rising sense of panic as he remembered the birth of his own son. The stillbirth of his dead son.

"Carrie's, on, her, way," Jenna growled through gritted teeth. Josh was completely frozen as the woman endured the contraction, pain distorting her face and her breaths, and did nothing but stand there. Tyler was still crying, obviously also freaking out at the baby's arrival.

"Phwww," Jenna finally breathed out as it come to an end and she was able to stand straight again. She took the bag, presumably a hospital overnight bag, off her shoulder and placed it on the counter, then rubbed her child and carefully walked over to the kitchen table near to Tyler. She pulled out a chair and sat down, then reached across and held her sobbing husband's numb right hand.

"Josh, my sister's almost here, she's in traffic but she's coming. She's gonna drive us to the hospital once the contractions are closer, she's gonna deal with it all, you shouldn't be here. Go home, look after yourself."  
"She's not gonna be here in time," Tyler whimpered.  
"She will, she will," Jenna reassured him, squeezing the hand that Josh knew he couldn't squeeze back. Josh knew that, but he didn't know how to breathe.

So much commotion, Tyler's sobs, Jenna's shaking breath, the increasingly loud tick tick tick of the clock, and none of it mattered to Josh. All he could think of was Luke. Luke, his little baby boy, the tiny infant he had been so excited for and then suddenly so destroyed by. The loss of the little life had ultimately almost cost him his own, and it had cost him the life of happiness he had once lead with Debby. They were both gone. Debby and Luke were both gone.

"You shouldn't be here J, it's not healthy for you to put yourself through this. Tyler's upset but he's safe, and Darce and I are safe too. We'll all be okay, and I'll call you in a couple of days to check that you're alright. Just please, don't force yourself to be around a baby."  
"I can't do this," Tyler continued to break down but Josh didn't follow suit, he couldn't, he was simply frozen.

"Josh, in the nicest way possible, right now I can't deal with two of you having panic attacks. Please, I can call Chase or Laura or Jordan or whoever, but I need you to keep yourself together until they come and get you." Jenna tried to say bravely but Josh knew she was petrified. They were all petrified.

"Ty baby shh, shh you're alright, I'm okay, this is all gonna be okay and this time tomorrow Darcy will be here. It's all gonna be okay, you can do this," Jenna hushed him supportively. "We can do this."  
"Carrie's not gonna be here in time." He panicked.  
"Yes she will, the contractions are still 6 minutes apart and we can't go to hospital till they're 4, we're okay handsome."

"Josh help!" Tyler cried but Josh couldn't, he couldn't do anything, he couldn't breathe.  
"Ty no, remember, you can talk to Josh about anything except for Darcy. Don't ask him for help, just look at me a minute Tyler Robert, don't rely on Josh for this, trust me when I say that this is all gonna be okay. Josh is gonna get picked up and then Carrie is gonna pick us up and it's all gonna work out in the long run."  
"No no no," he shook his head tearfully.

Out of the corner of his glazed eyes, Josh saw Jenna stand up and slowly walk over to the counter where her phone was. She picked up the device and unlocked it, then looked up at him.  
"J sweetheart, J, you need to go. Who should I call, Chase?" The woman asked, but before Josh could answer - if he had been able to talk - there was a gushing sound and a look of shock on Jenna's face. Her waters had broken and the fluid ran along the floor, flowed along the floor, flooded towards Josh's feet on the floor. And only once it almost touched his shoes did Josh suddenly realise that this was happening and he had to do something and if he denied that this was happening and didn't do something then maybe another baby would go through the same traumatic birth that Luke did.

"Haven't got time to wait for Carrie, I'll take you, have you got everything you need in that bag?"  
"Josh no, don't do this to yourself."  
"You're in labour, I'm not leaving." He said firmly, holding eye contact with her until she eventually caved.  
"I really don't think this is a good idea,"  
"Neither is leaving you, waters broken, at home with a hysterical husband. I, I, I need to make sure the baby is okay, I need to do this Jen, please. I couldn't for Luke, let me for Darcy."  
"Okay," she nodded, so he immediately rushed to her side and helped back down onto the chair next to Tyler who was still crying.

"The bag's done, I'm prepared, I just need to get Tyler's medications in case we're still there in the morning."  
"Okay, where?" Josh tried to ask without getting flustered.  
"Top cupb-" she began to reply before becoming riddled with the pain of another contraction, this one even triggering winces. Even though Josh had snapped into action mode, coping with the contractions was a step too far and he found himself unable to be at her side telling her to breathe like he knew he should be. But instead he focused on telling himself to breathe, on keeping himself calm and able to function, able to help. The time seemed to drag on forever but finally she was able to unclench her jaw and breathe steadily again.

"Top cupboard, bring the whole box." She finally finished instructing, and Josh was finally able to turn and open the compartment, getting out a large clear container crammed full of various packets of medications and bottles and syringes. Josh was slightly taken aback by the sure volume, but focused on the task at hand and put the box inside the duffle bag Jenna had.

"Okay, um, you just had a contraction so should we go now? To the car?" Josh suggested and she nodded.  
"Keys are in the fruit bowl, there's a towel in the laundry basket I'll sit on." She said, and Josh quickly ran around and collected the items, then went back to her and Tyler. The husband was still crying and clearly still freaking out.

"You push Ty, I'll walk," Jenna instructed, clearly still feeling like she had to be in control of the men, had to take responsibility, had to look after them. And as much as Josh wanted to argue that it should be the other way round, it clearly wasn't going to happen. So he picked up the hospital bag then took the brakes off Tyler's wheelchair and followed Jenna down the hall, doing his best to avoid the amniotic fluid they were apparently just abandoning on the kitchen floor.

 

  
As they got closer and closer to the maternity unit of the hospital they had all spent so much time in, Jenna's contractions got progressively more painful and more frequent. It got to the extent to where Josh parked and she was unable to walk unaided to the entrance to the hospital.

"Ty just wait a minute, I'll take her in then come back for you." Josh told his friend, who was no longer sobbing but was instead silently crying in the back seat.  
"No, no don't leave him, epilepsy, you can't leave him," Jenna said.  
"Jenna you need to be in there, to be seen by your midwife, to be laying down. Ty, you'll be fine for 5 minutes won't you?"  
"He could have a seizure, I'm not risking it," Jenna shook her head stubbornly.  
"W-what do I do?" Josh asked afraid, not knowing the right answer and not knowing whether he really was haunted and Darcy really was going to pay the price.

"Um," Jenna thought, gulping shaky breaths. "I'll stay with him, you go and find a nurse to come and help me and bring them back here."  
"Okay," he nodded scared, fumbling with the door handle before finally opening it and half falling out. His breath shook and his vision span but he told himself to stop being so pathetic and to focus on the task at hand. Jenna needed him to concentrate.

"Excuse me, excuse me," Josh managed to grab a nurse at the entrance of the maternity ward. "Debby's in labour in the parking lot,"  
"Okay I'm coming, can you show me the way?"  
"Uh huh," he nodded shakily, turning back.  
"Debby?"  
"What?" Josh said, taken aback by the mention of everything he had loved and lost.  
"Her name, Debby?"  
"N-no, she's um, Jenna, her name's Jenna."  
"Okay, and she's your partner?"  
"Best friend."  
"And how many weeks pregnant is she?"  
"It's um, I, I think, 2 weeks early,"  
"That's still normal, try to stay calm."  
"There." Josh pointed when they finally got to the car.

"Jenna? Hi, I'm Emily and I'm going to look after you darling. I need you to focus on deep breaths and keeping yourself relaxed."  
"My husband, Tyler, someone needs to make sure he's okay. He got a TBI," Jenna immediately told the nurse.  
"Sweetheart let's get you inside," the nurse said, then turned to Josh. "Sir, are you able to look after her husband whilst I help Jenna in?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded once he realised the question was directed at him. The nurse smiled, then carefully helped Jenna out of the front seat and walked her slowly away from the car and away from Tyler and away from Josh.

Josh felt like he was having a panic attack and yet he was frozen, not so much as a hyperventilating heave. Numb, he opened the back seat door and simply climbed in, sitting next to Tyler. He couldn't say anything and so he didn't say anything, just desperately tried to ground himself and feel any of the feelings he ought to be feeling.

"I can't be a dad." Tyler whimpered but Josh had no response. "What kind of role model am I? Tried to kill himself and ended up a no good freak who won't even be able to hold his child."  
"No. No I won't be able to hold my child. My child is dead Tyler, I won't be able to hold him." Josh corrected, feeling as though he should be crying but not. He could sense that Tyler was about to say something in reply, but Josh suddenly had an overwhelming urge to be alone. He opened the door once again then quickly went to the trunk and cursed at the wheelchair that took three kicks to lock open. Finally he managed the catch and went to Tyler's side, then half encouraged half dragged him out of the car and into the chair before pushing him towards the hospital.

"What the fuck Josh, stop, stop, no I can't go in there, I can't do this, stop it, stop it," he protested but Josh was beyond caring. The automatic doors slid open and Josh pushed Tyler through them and over to the nurse's station.  
"Jenna's husband." He said simply, then left him and ran back out of the hospital and back into the safety of the front seat of Jenna's car.

Only once the driver's door slammed shut behind him and his head collapsed again the steering wheel did he finally begin to sob. There was nothing pretty about the uncontrollable snotty splutters that erupted and yet Josh didn't care. The last time he had been in that maternity unit he had lost the only two things he cared about. He had lost Luke, and ultimately he had lost Debby too.

Choking down air that burned his collapsing lungs, he finally managed to pull his head up and allow tears to stream down his face alongside a running nose. He leant against the head rest for a minute before digging into his pocket and pulling out his wallet. Underneath the image of his family was two photos he had kept hidden for months, a scan of Luke and a photo of him and Debby in Paris. He only sobbed harder as he held them both up to his line of vision.

There was so much he wanted to say to his boy, and yet he couldn't. Talking to an old scan would never compare to holding him in his arms. Except he wouldn't be in his arms anymore, he'd be 2, be toddling, be talking, be growing up. And yet he wasn't, he was in grave plot 247 in the cemetery and he was never going to hear Josh's begs for his revival.

Part of him wanted to rip the black and white image into smithereens, but a larger part knew it was the only photo he could ever have of his son and it wouldn't solve anything. Nothing would ever solve the death of a child.

Josh wasn't sure how his phone found itself in his hand and he wasn't sure how long he cried over the fact that Debby no longer held a place on his contacts list, but eventually he did what he knew he had to do and dialled Chase. The rings sounded against his ear, breaking the sounds between his irregular breaths that he just couldn't seem to control.

"Josh? Hey man, how's it all going?"  
"Cha-a-se,"  
"Oh shit Josh, are you okay?"  
"No,"  
"Anxiety 1-100?"  
"My bo-oy's d-e-ad,"  
"Pardon? J I can't understand you mate, what happened?"  
"He's go-one,"  
"Who's gone? Josh deep breaths."  
"They're b-both g-go-ne," he sobbed hysterically.

"Josh I can't hear you, but give me 5 minutes and I'll be with you, alright? Just stay calm, deep breaths, do your counting thing."  
"I'm, I'm, I'm not there, hos-hospita-al,"  
"Shit, you're at the hospital? Did Ty fall again?"  
"The baby," Josh cried, eyes squeezed shut.  
"Is Darcy on her way Josh? Is she on her way or is there a problem?" He asked and Josh sobbed harder, a problem, a problem, a problem with the umbilical cord had caused the problem he was having today.

"On, on, her, way."  
"Oh Josh," Chase sighed sympathetically, "I've had a couple of beers so I can't drive, unless you really need me-"  
"No, no I ca-n't l-lose you too,"  
"Okay J, I won't drive but I can get a taxi or something - have you called your mom?"  
"No,"  
"Listen, I'll call her, I'll tell her that Jenna's in labour and you're at the hospital and you've had a panic attack, is that all correct?"  
"Yeh," Josh whimpered.  
"Be honest with me, are you safe?"  
"Um," he gulped tearfully, "yeh,"  
"Yes? Definitely?"  
"Yeh,"

"I'll call Laura, I'll let her know, my guess is she'll be with you in 10 minutes. Once I get off the phone with her, I'll call you back and I'll talk until you're sick of hearing my voice. Okay?"  
"K,"  
"Do your counting thing whilst I'm talking to her. 1 2 3 4,"  
"Yeh," Josh whispered.  
"It'll be okay Josh I promise, it'll be okay."

Josh didn't hang up, just let the phone fall to his lap and left Chase to end the call. He let another flurry of tears race down his face, then pulled the bottom of his shirt up and dried his snotty damp face. Still they continued to fall and still his breath shook loudly as he heaved in and out. His head throbbed and he felt sick, and eventually found a bottle of water with a shaking hand in the glovebox.

He gulped down the half litre without stopping, then tossed the bottle aside and pressed both his palms against his eyes.  
"Come on Josh," he willed himself on, counting sets of 4 in his head over and over and over again. Finally he was able to tear his hands from his face and breathe put slowly.

After a minute he opened the door and climbed out of the car, letting the warm summer day dry his final tears. He half walked half jogged across the busy parking lot and into the maternity unit, hands shoved deep in his pockets. It only took him another minute to make his way down the corridor and into a small waiting area where Tyler was with a nurse.

"That's him," he heard Tyler tell the woman.  
"Josh?"  
"Yeh," Josh nodded.  
"You're Tyler's carer?" The nurse asked and Josh saw Tyler nodding.  
"Yeh."  
"It was very irresponsible to leave him in the foyer unattended,"   
"Sorry, his um, his wife went into labour and it was hectic, had to be in two places at once, are you alright Ty?" Josh tried to play it cool, not sure entirely why Tyler had called him that but knowing it was probably for a valid reason.

"I'm fine, honestly Karen, I'm fine,"   
"Sir if you're somebody's carer then you have a duty of care to them. Try and stick to your job so that we can do ours." The woman warned Josh then walked off.

"Sorry, she uh, she wasn't gonna let me be here without a carer, I didn't know what else to say." Tyler apologised softly as Josh sat on a seat next to his wheelchair.  
"No I'm the one who should be saying sorry, she's right, it was wrong of me to leave you and it was wrong of me to force you here in the first place when you were so obviously panicking."  
"S'fine,"

"Are you doing any better?" Josh asked.  
"Stopped crying but I'm uh, I'm still freaking out." He sighed honestly.  
"Want my input or prefer space?"   
"Go for it." Tyler replied, so Josh reached into his pocket and once again pulled out the ultrasound image of Luke from his wallet that had rendered him inconsolable just a few minutes ago.

"Know who that is?"  
"Your son?"  
"Know his name?"  
"Luke," Tyler said correctly.  
"We were sat there, right there on those two seats, when we decided to call him Luke." Josh explained, gesturing to two chairs opposite them. "Debby, she um, she hadn't felt him kick all night or the morning either so we came along to just get him checked out. I told her he was just asleep, she told me that he was taking after me and being lazy. We both made light of it but we both knew that um, that it wasn't good. And sat on those two seats, waiting for the doctor for the longest 20 minutes of my life, it was our acknowledgement that he could of existed I think. We hadn't been told he was gone, we both um, we both knew though, but Debby said he was a Luke and I agreed. In that moment there was still a tiny glimmer of hope, and we called that hope Luke."  
"Yeh," Ty listened as Josh did his best to stay calm.

"It was the worst moment of my life, hearing we'd lost him, hearing I couldn't be his dad. It wasn't something that I had dreamt of being since I was little, but being with Debby, feeling the way I felt with Debby, I knew that any embodiment of our love was going to be perfect." Josh said and Tyler watched him play with the edge of the ultrasound.

"I was scared, of course I was scared. I was worried that the anxiety could be genetic and he would have to go through what I did. I was scared that I'd have a panic attack when Debby needed me during the labour. Heck, I was even stressing that the anxiety medication I was taking might have somehow had side effects on my sperm and therefore on him. You name it, I was scared of it. But you know what? It's normal. I think every single parent freaks out that they bought the wrong cot or they're going to drop them or they'll be a bad mom or dad."  
"Mmm,"

"And Ty, I understand why you have even more reasons to be scared. You're injured, I won't deny that, but I think you're overestimating how much it's going to impact your ability to be a good dad."  
"Yeh,"  
"There are some things, some physical things, that you might not be able to do conventionally. Things like changing diapers and assembling pushchairs. But they don't matter, all that matters is that you love her Tyler. This injury won't stop you loving her,"  
"What if I can't show her though?"  
"You're gonna build this relationship with her from scratch, every moment you spend with her, every time you can devote your energy to her, she's going to remember. She'll grow attached, she'll fall in love. She won't know that other dads change diapers, all she'll know is that her dad smiles at her and sleep by her side and keeps her warm and safe and happy."  
"Mmm," Tyler hummed and Josh saw him getting teary.

"I never got the opportunity with Luke. I never touched him, never saw him, never held him. I would give anything, anything, to have just one minute with him in my arms. Time is the most precious thing you'll ever share with your Darcy Ty. I didn't get any with Luke, I'll never have any. It's not too late for you, she's down the hall, she's on her way, she's looking forward to meeting her daddy at long last. I know this is scary, but you need to spend as much time as you possibly can with your baby because you have no idea how lucky you are. Every minute you're in here panicking that you won't be able to show her you love her is potentially another minute you're not spending in there actually showing her."

 

 

Josh felt like a 5 year old again, cuddled up with his head in his mom's lap and a belly full of gummy worms from the vending machine down the hall. She stroked his yellow hair slowly, occasionally moving her hand down to his back as well. Although it was very soothing, Josh was fully over his panic and simply enjoyed the affection.

Just as Chase had promised, she had arrived 10 minutes later and Josh had broken down in her arms whilst Ty went to Jenna's bedside. The couple had been in the delivery room for hours, Josh wasn't sure how many, 3 had blurred into 4 or maybe 5 and the sun had set but he was too drained to check his phone to find out.

"Mom," he hummed deeply.  
"Yeah darling,"  
"You remember when we went for lunch together the other day, at that café near the store,"  
"Uh huh,"  
"You had a pack of smokes in your handbag, don't suppose you've still got them?"  
"Threw them out, but don't worry, picked up a whole new pack on the drive over here. I know my son," she smiled as he sat up, taking his legs off the row of chairs next to him.  
"Thanks Mom," he said, kissing her cheek as she reached into her bag and got out the cigarettes and a lighter.

"Alright sweetheart, just not all at once okay?"  
"Only 3 max I promise," he said, tucking them into his pocket.  
"I love you Joshua,"  
"Love you too," he smiled, then kissed her again and made his way down the corridor and towards the entrance to the unit.

His feet echoed as he walked, sound bouncing off the polished floor. He passed the nurse's station and smiled at the woman at the counter, then hooked a right out of the sliding automatic doors. The sun had gone and the night was dark but the bright lights from the hospital windows illuminated the area outside the maternity unit. Josh walked a few metres away from the entrance and lent against a brick column supporting a slight roof. He took it a single cigarette and lit it first time, then raised it to his lips.

Smoking was near enough done for Josh, cravings were easy to ignore, sessions were short and irregular, habit and reliance was gone. The only occasion he really ever did it anymore was post anxiety, and today had definitely been one anxious thing after another. But nevertheless he had coped, he was on the ward, he was there for Ty and for Jen and soon Darcy would be there too.

"Excuse me sir, this is a no smoking area." Josh heard a woman say, and turned to see the only midwife he knew. Instantly the cigarette fell from his hand.  
"Debby?"  
"Josh?"


	5. Bang goes the dynamite, we're done. Unless an epilogue magically appears. It will.

"Debby?"  
"Josh?" She replied shocked and Josh froze. "I, I didn't think you could be here. I saw Jenna's name on the board, but, I um, I didn't think you could be here - I'm sorry, I, I can't do this,"  
"Wait," Josh said to before she turned her back and walked away once again. He walked over to her shakily and told himself to calm down as his mind and heart raced.

"Hi, my name's Josh, I'm uh, I'm 28 years old and I work in a music store selling vinyl records. I live with my parents but I'm moving in with a bunch 21 year olds in a few days because I refuse to grow up. I like to drum and to skateboard and I dye my hair funky colours because I think it makes me look bolder than I actually am. I'm a cat person, everyone thinks my favourite food is tacos but it's actually pasta, my favourite cereal is Reese's puffs. I have really bad anxiety but I take medication and see a therapist. I was born and raised in Columbus and my middle name is William. I have a tattoo sleeve. I don't drink and I've only ever left the country once. I went to Paris and it was the best time of my life and you, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."  
"Josh, I, no, no it's not that easy, I can't just start fresh, I'm sorry," she said, then ran back into the unit.

Josh was lost for words, lost for actions, lost for what he was supposed to do with hands and where he was supposed to put them. For a brief moment she was there, and now, now she was gone again.

The cigarette he had dropped to floor had burnt out and Josh felt the same, leaning against the brick for support. That flicker of love for Debby had never been extinguished and seeing her again reignited the burning desire within him. He loved her but if she didn't, if she couldn't, love him back then he understood. It didn't make the pill any easier to swallow but Josh knew he had already put her through enough. It was no longer his turn to call the shots.

"Josh," he heard her voice from the door again, and instantly spun round to meet her gorgeous eyes. "My name's Debby, I um, I live alone with my cats and I don't really go out much anymore. I'm a midwife so I work shifts that don't facilitate many hobbies, and I spend a lot of time talking to my kitties and living the cliche crazy person lifestyle. My evenings mostly consist of eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself because a long time ago a boy broke my heart and I can't get over him. He made me scared to trust people and scared to get hurt again, and scared to fall in love all over again. If I was to have another relationship then that would terrify me and I would need you to know that I'm not sure I can take much more heartbreak. I can't make any promises and I will need you to be patient, but if you're willing to do this by my terms then maybe we could get coffee sometime?"

"Coffee sounds perfect." Josh smiled softly. "Can I get your number?"  
"I think we might have crossed paths before, is yours the same?"  
"Did you keep it?"  
"I kept it," she nodded, and Josh saw a tear run down her cheek. "You didn't keep mine?"  
"No," he shook his head, feeling guilty as another silent drop ran down her face. "But Debby, it was Debby right?"  
"Yeah Debby,"  
"Debby, you call me okay? I won't push you, won't get your number, I trust you'll call me when you're ready." Josh decided, swallowing down a gulp to slow his racing heart.

"How, how about now?" She asked shyly, tugging on the sleeve of the hoodie she was wearing on top of her nurse's uniform.  
"Are you on shift?"  
"I can take my break. Unless you're here with somebody and you'd like to be with them?"  
"No no, I'm uh, I'm just a clingy friend. Now sounds great, thank you."  
"Give me a minute to tell my senior?"  
"I'll wait here." He nodded, watching with a shy smile as she made he way back into the hospital.

The smile turned to a grin which he couldn't contain. Any cravings were out the window and Josh immediately tossed the cigarettes and lighter into the trash. He had absolutely no idea what was about to happen, but rather than triggering head spinning anxiety, he was actually excited for the unknown.

What he had said, what he had screamed at Debby before leaving her alone to give birth to a dead child, was unforgivable. He knew that, he knew no normal person would ever be able to see past that, but Debby wasn't a normal person. She was his everything, had been ever since they met and still continued to be to this day.

"This way," she smiled, gesturing towards the cafe.  
"I probably know this hospital as well as you by now," Josh smiled back, jogging to be by her side as they walked down the corridor.  
"I haven't seen Tyler, is he awake?"  
"Yeah, doing really well, he's in there with Jenna right now."  
"I'm glad he's okay."  
"So am I," Josh said, cautiously leaving her personal space and trying not to overwhelm her with all of the pounding questions swirling around his brain.

"I'm, uh, I've become accustomed to the crappy coffee here, hope you can put up with it."  
"The coffee's not the important thing." Josh smiled, then attempted to back peddle as realised that might have come off as too forward. "I'm all about the cookies."  
"Those kids you're moving in with are rubbing off on you," she laughed softly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear and making Josh's knees feel weak because she was so perfect.

"I um, I like the yellow,"  
"Oh thanks," he grinned, ruffling his hair as they turned the corner and entered the small coffee shop. "That's more of their influence."  
"Suits you,"  
"Thank you,"

"Evening Sue," Debby smiled at the woman at the counter.  
"Hi Debby, can I get you the usual?"  
"Yeah please, plus whatever he's having,"  
"Just a black coffee please,"  
"Want a cookie?" Debby asked innocently, and Josh felt his heart pounding.  
"All I've eaten today is cold pizza and gummy worms, why not round off the day with a healthy triple chocolate cookie." He nodded with a smirk and the woman laughed.  
"Coming right up, that'll be $6.10 please."  
"Here, allow me," Josh said, stopping Debby taking out her purse and instead paying from his own pocket.  
"He's a keeper Deb." Sue laughed as she took the money then walked off to make the drinks. Josh avoided eye contact as awkwardness fell over the pair, and prayed that it wouldn't jeopardise the rest of whatever the hell this was.

"Breathe Josh," she whispered subtly and he realised he was holding his breath. At her reminder he released it but he also counted a few times in his head to calm down his love possessed thoughts steaming a thousand miles an hour. They remained quiet until the barista walked back to them with two coffee cups and a cookie. Debby said thanks and then they each picked up their order and walked over to a small table by the window, sitting down opposite each other.

"So, um, big question I know but how are you? How have you been?" Debby began the conversation as she stirred her hot drink.  
"Depends how honest we're being." Josh replied.  
"As open as you can be."  
"Yeah, I um, I had another low like before. Same mistakes, drinking, smoking, hurting myself and yeah, just generally quite a dangerous mindset. Spiral was spinning pretty fast but Mom stepped in and I'm back on track now. I take anxiety and depression and sleeping medications plus I see Dr Miriam, I don't drink and you caught me having my first cigarette of the week. Still got some way to go but yeah, on the right track."  
"I'm sorry to hear but I'm glad you're getting better."

"Thank you. And you? Doing okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fairly okay," she nodded. "I'm uh, I wouldn't say it's been the highlight of my life, not good at living alone, but yeah, I'm making do."  
"Yeh," he listened, sipping his coffee.  
"Got myself some more cats so I'm up to 5 now," she laughed cutely whilst taking off her hoodie and hanging it on her chair. Josh caught sight of some new ink on both her wrists and smiled.

"And some new tattoos too?"  
"Yeah a couple actually." Debby nodded, extending her arms for him to examine. The first he saw was on her right forearm, a delicate trail of cherry blossoms looping her arm along a discreet wooden stem. The tree reminded him a little of his own. Josh then saw another on her left inner wrist. A teeny tiny pair of real-seeming footprints were centred between two angel wings, and Luke's name was written in cursive alongside his death date.

"It's, it's a special one," she sighed, rubbing their child's name.  
"Course," he forced himself to nod, trying not to get upset.  
"And then there's this one too." Debby thankfully moved the conversation on, turning her arm to show him the Eiffel Tower elegantly sketched and inked adjacent to her arm. He immediately knew it was for him. But no, he gulped down that thought because it was totally irrational and self centred, however he couldn't help but think about the only time she had gone to the city of love was with him. The photo of them beside the landmark was in his pocket as proof.

"They're lovely Deb, I like them all,"  
"Thank you," she smiled, running her finger along the blossom branch. "I got Luke's done and whilst I was in the studio I saw the Eiffel Tower design and yeah, got hooked I guess."  
"Yeah I understand, they suit you,"  
"Thank you. How about you? Got any more?"  
"No, just the sleeve," he replied. "But I might um, I might get something for my mom, I'm not sure, she's just been so good with me and I wanna show her I love her."  
"I'm sure she'd appreciate that."

"How is she and your family?" Debby asked when he couldn't think of what else to say.  
"Good yeah, I um, I think I had them all worried for a while, and my parents are still pretty protective and anxious whenever I leave the house but I think they're trusting me a bit more now. My mom's actually here, waiting down outside Jenna's room."  
"Do you need to go tell her you're safe?"  
"She um, she knows I went for a smoke and that's basically an excuse for some time out, so as long as I'm not longer than like half an hour she won't fret too much."

"Don't take this the wrong way Josh, but why's she here?"  
"I um, s'kinda a long story but because of Ty's TBI he can't drive and he panics easily. I was at a friend's house and he called me because Jen went into labour, so I ran over and brought them both here in Jenna's car. Course then I went and had a pretty nasty panic once they were both inside, and I worked myself up into a state. Couldn't get a bus or a cab back home because my anxiety completely peaked, so my friend called my mom to come and collect me. Once she got here I sorta decided that I need to be here for Ty and Jen, so she's staying just to help me with that."

"And you're okay being here? Took me a looong time to be able to come back."  
"I wouldn't say okay no." Josh shook his head honestly. "I'd say this has been hard but um, nowhere close to the hardest bits. If we can get through losing him, I can get through looking at a chair. Then again it's all a part of it through, isn't it, losing him, here, it happened here."  
"Didn't happen here." She shook her head too. "It happened some point that morning, maybe at Walmart, maybe at home, but it wasn't here. That's how I get through it, how I can still work here."  
"Yeah. Deb?"  
"Yeh?"  
"Is it okay if I get that tattoo?" Josh suddenly asked, mind racing.

"His wings?" She asked, stroking her wrist.  
"Yeah. I, I mean say no, if it's too special or if you don't want a matching tatt with me or you want him to have one unique memorial then say no, but I just love it. He'd love it."  
"He'd love for both his parents to have it, of course you can Josh." Debby nodded and Josh wasn't sure what was happening in his mind but it was a mess of grief and love and regret and desire.

"Okay, okay I'll book an appointment pronto. Can I get a photo? Actually no wait, you can just come along, when don't you work? Yeah, yeah come along and then you can show the artist what we want and you can be there whilst a new part of Luke is born and we can spend some more time together and, wow, this first date escalated really quickly! Like we're getting matching tattoos! How crazy is that?! Well I guess it's not that crazy, we did date for 10 years, it's not like we're strangers or anything, I mean you're the love my life, it's kinda weird that we didn't get something matching before!" Josh exploded with overwhelming thoughts and didn't seem to notice as Debby backed away until suddenly she stood up and ran off towards the ladies' toilets.

Shit.

Shit shit shit, he fucked it all up. The uneaten cookie suddenly took the force of his slamming fist and shattered into pieces before Josh buried his face in his hands and resisted the urge to scream.

He did what he always did, went too far, fucked it all up, pushed her over the edge. This was so fucking typical Josh, always ruining everything, always messing things up, always hurting people. She was so close, right there, all he had to do was drink his coffee and smile politely but he couldn't even do that.

The tears had almost crept their way from his eyes and down his cheeks when suddenly he heard her clear her throat. He knew it was her, her every move was etched firmly into his memory.

"Josh," she said when he didn't remove his hands from his face, but finally he managed to and saw she was pulling anxiously at the hoodie she had put back on. He had done that to her, riddled her with anxiety, ruined her.

"Josh I want to make this clear. You can have the tattoo if you're doing it for Luke and Luke alone. Don't, please, don't use our deceased son as some sort of play to win me back. If you're only doing this for me then please know that I never want to be with a man like that. He is our son, not a ploy to try and spend more time together so you can get us back together." She tried to tell him bravely but her voice and hands shook, and tears threatened to roll down her face. Josh's stomach dropped as he understood what Debby had incorrectly presumed and realised what an awful person she must think of him as. Shit, if she could really think of him in that way then she must still loathe him. He still loathed himself.

"I don't want us to get back together Deb," Josh lied. "I don't think I'm good for you. I don't think we should get back together because I don't want to keep hurting you. You deserve so much more than this," he continued sadly, gesturing towards his trembling mess of a body.  
"Josh-"  
"No, Debby listen, you deserve the sun and stars and I can't offer you either. Instead I've put you through Hell and I'm not gonna do it again-"  
"Josh stop talking, okay?! I love you, always have, always will, but right now I need to go and so do you, Jenna's baby arrived and they've emergency paged me," she interrupted urgently, the beeping device in her hand.  
"Does that mean something's wrong?!"  
"Means I've gotta go find out." Debby replied, beginning to run down the corridor back to the maternity unit.

Josh was frozen for a brief second before suddenly finding himself running after her, heart pounding and vision spinning. He knew this was going to happen, he fucking knew it. This was his fault, he did this to Darcy, he killed Luke and now he had killed Darcy too because he was fucking jinxed and everywhere he went he left behind a trail of death. He needed to stop being around people, stop fucking people over, stop making this happen all the damn time. They were gonna lose her just like he had lost him.

"Josh! Josh stop!" He heard a woman shout, then felt her grab him tight and stop him following Debby into the hospital room. Through blurred teary vision he made out his mom pulling him down onto the waiting room chairs and clutching him tightly as he sobbed terrified.  
"Happening again,"  
"It's not happening again Joshua, listen to me, it's not happening again."  
"My fault,"  
"No, no it's not, breathe Joshua, count with me baby? Let's count together." Laura hushed him as he collapsed into her chest, heaving.  
"I killed her,"  
"You did no such thing. You need to take a deep breath and listen to what Momma's saying, shh, you're okay, it's all gonna be okay."  
"No no no no,"  
"Josh focus on breathing and counting, Jenna's fine, Ty's fine, Darcy's fine, we need to make sure that you're fine too. Deep breaths," she rubbed circles into his back but Josh barely seemed to notice as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. His temples ached and his eyes burned and this throat scratched but it didn't matter, nothing mattered. It didn't matter that his mom's shirt was soaked with his tears and snot, it didn't matter that there were two grandparents watching him disapprovingly, it didn't matter that he wasn't okay, all that mattered was that little baby's survival and the wellbeing of her parents.

"Josh,"  
"Debby?" He heard his mom say surprised but he couldn't tear himself from her embrace.  
"Hi Laura, it's um, it's good to see you again. J and I went for coffee before I got paged, and I need to speak to him quickly, is that okay?"  
"Josh, De- the nurse wants to speak to you."  
"S'myfault," he continued to sob but his mom pealed him off her and forced him to sit up independently. She planted a kiss on his cheek and squeezed his hand supportively as he slowly managed to try and slow his breathing to whimpers and listen to her words over the pounding in his skull.

"Josh everything's fine. Their baby arrived without complications, little girl they've decided to call Darcy Sophia, she's 5 lbs 1 ounce so a little underweight but she'll gain quickly and we'll monitor her closely. Jenna did amazing and she's exhausted but healthy and happy. Tyler's happy too but I got called in because he had a seizure. It was due to his epilepsy and completely random so nothing to do with the birth, and it in no way impacted the wellbeing of mother or baby. We had to get him safely onto the floor and administer some medication, and thankfully the seizure passed within 3 minutes and he's back in his chair smiling away at Darcy now. He's okay, they're all okay."

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
"Want this?" Chase asked, gesturing towards the lamp on Josh's bedside table in his mom's house.  
"Nah, that's Mom's, I think we've got everything." Josh said, hands on his back as he stretched and looked at the two boxes by the door filled with his belongings.

"Dude you own like nothing."  
"Well most of my stuff is in my apartment, but I've been living just fine off this for the past couple of weeks."  
"Fair enough. Wanna swing by your place and grab some more of your things?"  
"No, I um, no, I can't go back there." He shook his head a little anxiously.  
"Alright I'm not gonna make you, but if you need anything then tell me and I'll go get it for you."  
"Thanks."

"Boys? Can I come in?" Laura knocked on the bedroom door.  
"Yeh,"  
"All packed up darling?" She asked.  
"Uh huh." He nodded.  
"Right Chase, these are for you."  
"Mom!" Josh protested as she took the boxes of tablets out of her pocket and passed them across to the younger man.

"J it's fine, which one's which Mrs Dun?"  
"Mom I can do it!" Josh continued to complain.  
"Those ones are both two pills twice a day, and that one's just before he goes to bed."  
"Great thanks,"  
"I can write it down if you need."  
"Nah I think I'm alright, two am and pm, two am and pm, one pm," Chase recalled, holding up the boxes.  
"You youngsters with your memories," she laughed, "Get Josh to text me when you've only got 6 left on the strips and I'll have time to get new sheets from the doctor."  
"Mom I'm fine, I can do it!"  
"I got him covered," Chase reassured Laura.  
"Thank you Chase, you're a good kid."

"Am I even here?!" Josh said, waving his hands around frustrated.  
"Josh you know why it's better for Chase to look after them."  
"Yeah it's because I'm a hundred times cooler than you'll ever be, Grandpa," Chase teased. "But seriously Mrs Dun, don't worry, we'll look after him. He's moving in with 4 other people, he's not gonna have the time or personal space to do anything bad I promise. You're gonna be too busy to panic J."  
"But it's okay if you do, okay baby? It's okay to panic,"  
"Course it is, just like I have been whilst you've been living here, I'm gonna be there for you when you're living with me." The younger man also reassured him.  
"And if it's too much then come home,"

"I'm okay with panics, I just, I just wanna control my own meds. I get it, you don't want me to get hurt, but I really don't want it to become a big thing." Josh sighed honestly.  
"Toby's been taking antidepressants longer than I've known him and Maria keeps them in her and George's room for him, everyone knows, nobody cares, it's not gonna be a big deal I promise."  
"Promise?"  
"100%."  
"And it won't always be like this?"  
"No, once you're doing better and feel safer then you can start doing them - if that's okay with you Mrs Dun."  
"Talk to me first, make sure I agree he's okay, but yeah that sounds reasonable to me." Laura replied.  
"Hmm," Josh sighed defeated.

"Come on you, let's get going, I still need to swing by the ATM for some cash plus Maria wants us to grab takeout food."  
"Actually, Chase, if you don't mind I'd like to run Josh over, make sure he's settled in calmly."  
"What about my car? I'll be fine Mom."  
"You can get your car another day, please J, you're my baby and you're leaving home and you're still sick and I'm nervous, so please, let me just do this one thing?"  
"Okay," he caved. "Chase, I'll just, meet you at home I guess?"  
"Home hey, sounds good." Chase smiled, then dug into his pocket. "And you're gonna need this."  
"Thanks," Josh smiled back, taking the key his friend extended towards him and inspecting it before threading it onto his set and putting it in his own pocket.  
"See you later Grandpa, bye Mrs Dun,"  
"Bye Chase," she waved as he left the room and the house.

 

 

  
20 minutes later, after his mom had made sure he was definitely packed and had definitely said goodbye to the house and was definitely ready, he was sat in the passenger seat of her car. His two boxes rattled on the backseat as she drove.

"Mom,"  
"Yes darling?"  
"Are you gonna be alright?"  
"Me? It's not me you should be worried about sweetie, I'm the one who's nervous about whether you're gonna be alright."  
"That's what I mean, you're not gonna be too worried are you?"  
"This is sort of what I wanted to talk to you about actually Josh,"  
"Go on," he encouraged her.

"I love Chase, I do, I think he's great. He's funny and optimistic and a truly supportive friend who knows how to support someone with a mental illness really well. I have some slight concerns about his other roommates, how you'll cope without your downtime and your privacy, but it's not to the point that I don't want you to leave. I think it's gonna be more difficult than you're imagining but I think it's the challenge you need and I'll support you through that."  
"Thank you,"  
"However the timing's not great Josh. I mean Dr Miriam wants you to start doing anxiety exposure tasks, Tyler and Jenna just had their baby, and let's not forget speaking to Debby again. That's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone with severe anxiety."  
"I'll be okay."  
"Will you though?"  
"Mom don't start giving me anxiety!" Josh laughed lightheartedly but she didn't seem to be finding it funny.

"Mom they'll look after me I promise, make sure I'm alright."  
"What if they do the wrong thing?"  
"What if the wrong thing for me is trying to keep me so sheltered from any potential upset that when something actually does happen I don't know how to cope?" He asked rhetorically. "Look, Mom, this is something I want to do and personally I feel I'm ready for. The timing isn't perfect but I don't think it ever will be. If I just wait around until the perfect time does come along then I'll never leave. Please, I want to do this."  
"On one condition."  
"Okay."  
"If you have a panic attack then you come home for that night. So if you have a wobble once we arrive and panic then you're coming straight back home with me. Same goes for if it's tomorrow or next week or next month. Panic attack means you come home for at least a night."  
"Deal." Josh nodded agreeing.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
Josh sat on the external fire escape outside his new apartment, sipping a diet soda and picking apart a piece of fraying string he had cut from the ball he owned. The string was an old technique of Tyler's back when he could use both hands and needed to keep them busy to stop himself doing something he'd regret. Josh wasn't fighting off any urges as he pulled the threads but it was stopping him from smoking to fill the time.

His new home was fairly similar to the apartment block he had shared with Debby, except considerably bigger. They had 4 bedrooms, a large living room, a kitchen and dining area and 2 bathrooms. The 4 bedrooms had previously been occupied by the 4 original house members but once George and Maria moved into one it left Josh with Maria's old room, and he loved it.

The apartment was on two levels, mostly downstairs but a staircase leading up to Josh and Toby's rooms plus a bathroom they shared. It offered Josh a small amount of privacy and distance that he was very appreciative of. It also had access to the fire escape he was currently sat on on via a window in the hall.

It reminded him a lot of the fire escape in his old apartment, but it also reminded him of the roof of his old apartment. The rooftop he had spent so many nights on with Tyler, laughing at funny stories from home, talking him through episodes, watching him fall to what he had presumed to be his death. No, he was fairly certain he would never be able to go on a roof again, but that didn't mean he didn't miss the wind through his hair. At least the fire escape could offer him that.

"Oh sorry, didn't see you out here, want to be alone?" He heard a voice say and turned to see Toby.  
"No no, it's okay,"  
"See you've found the kiss and cry then," Toby smiled, sitting opposite Josh on the rusted steel.  
"Kiss and cry?"  
"Nickname for this place. A whole lot of kissing and a whole lot of crying has happened out here."  
"Oh haha okay," Josh smiled as he continued to destroy his string.

"How was work today?"  
"Well Chase wasn't in so I actually got some stuff done for a change," Josh laughed. "But yeah, nothing special, same old same old. How was school?"  
"Good thanks, got an A- on my paper so I'm happy,"  
"Well done,"  
"Thanks." Toby smiled as he cracked open a soda of his own and knocked half of it back.

"Toby can I ask a question?"  
"Fire away."  
"You don't have to say, but you take meds right?"  
"Yeh,"  
"So do I and Chase looks after them for me, but um, yeah, just feels awkward I guess-"  
"So you wanna know how to get over the weirdness?" Toby asked and Josh nodded.

"K first thing's first, it's not weird for Chase, not in the slightest. Maria looks after mine, not because I've ever OD or anything but simply because she wants to look after me, it's the same for Chase. He wants to look after you, not in a weird Mommy way but in a simple caring friendship way."  
"Mmm," Josh hummed.  
"It's only weird if you let it be weird. They're just pills, that's all, and there's no stigma at all in this house I guarantee. Turn it into a joke if that breaks down any anxiety over it, call them magic beans, call them whatever the hell you want if it makes it seem less awkward to be able to smile over it. But the principal thing you need to accept is that you're ill and that's alright. You'll get better eventually, just don't rush that process and give yourself a break alright?"  
"Alright." Josh nodded with a small smile.

"Thank you Toby."  
"S'alright man. Look, anxiety is hell and you shouldn't have to go through this. You've come a long way and you've still got a lot of work to do but you can and will do it."  
"Thanks Tobe, that uh, that means a lot."  
"Anytime." He smiled back. "You know what, you've obviously got a lot to think about so I'll leave you to it but I'll be in my room if you need me."  
"Great, thanks again," Josh replied gratefully as his roommate stood up and ducked back through the open window, leaving him alone once again.

Josh abandoned the string he had anxiously been tearing apart and instead climbed to his feet with a groan. He, being the anxious so and so he was, tested the bar several times before trusting it enough to lean against.

The view was nothing special but similarly not too disappointing, but all Josh could wonder was whether he would be able to see Tyler and Jenna's house if the building faced the other direction. They were only a short distance away, along with their little girl.

He had spent the majority of the past few days thinking about Darcy and how exactly he was going to cope. For now simply ignoring the situation was working pretty well, but at the end of the day he knew that Tyler needed him and he needed Tyler. Eventually he was going to have to see the baby, alive and kicking, and was going to have to see Tyler, a dad.

Jealous wasn't a word most would use regarding a man who had suffered with schizophrenia for his whole life and had spent 10 weeks comatose following a traumatic brain injury that also left him with epilepsy and an inability to use half his body. Most wouldn't, Josh would. He was undeniably jealous of his friend's ability to be a father.

But as Josh watched the traffic pass, he let himself contemplate whether that jealousy had to necessarily equate to the end of their affiliation to each other. Josh had tried it before, to separate himself from Tyler, and he knew it wouldn't be anymore successful this time round. So it was decided. Eventually he would have to face up to Darcy, a baby less than a week old with the power to make his heart pound just by thinking of her.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
After work on Wednesday, Chase and Josh walked the short distance to the mall together. They messed about, joking over nothing, but it was all a distraction from the task ahead.

"You wanna go straight there or shop around first?" Chase asked as they climbed onto the escalator.  
"Shop around?" He replied doubtfully.  
"Hey! I'm gay! A boy's gotta shop!"  
"Way to kill the stereotypes," Josh laughed forcefully. "If, uh, if you don't mind then I kinda just wanna get my thing outta the way first so that I'm not gonna keep thinking about it."  
"Yeah course, no problem, and if you wanna go home straight after then I suppooooose I can save my spree for another day,"  
"Thanks," he smiled as they made their way to the entrance of the store. Before Josh crossed the threshold he took a moment to breathe.

"You've got this J."  
"Yeh," Josh sighed shakily, then stepped inside the baby store and tried to remember to inhale regularly.

He was immediately greeted with huge stock images of young smiling children lining every wall and rows upon rows upon rows of products to ensure you have a healthy baby. He didn't have a healthy baby, he had a dead baby.

"Josh, do you need to leave?" Chase asked but he couldn't answer. "You've done well just coming in here, it's a good first step, let's go home."  
"I, I can do this," he decided shakily, nervously walking over to the clothing section of the store. Chase followed him and he could feel his friend's eyes watching his every move, monitoring for the moment he would have to step in and take charge. But Josh was determined for that not to happen, he was determined to stay in control of himself and his actions and he was determined to buy Darcy a present.

The first row he managed to turn down he soon realised to be boys clothing, blue onesies and blue blankies and blue booties and a nurse dressed in blue uniform.  
"Josh? Wow, you uh, you don't see someone for 6 months and then suddenly you see them twice in one week." She smiled a little awkwardly and his heart stopped. "Are you okay?"  
"Josh, Josh walk with me." Chase said and Josh felt himself get pulled away by a firm hand round his bicep.

"Is that her? Is that Debby?" He asked once they were round the corner and Josh nodded tearfully. "Okay, deep breaths, are you gonna have a panic attack?" He said quietly and Josh shook his head no. "Still, I'm taking you home, come on,"  
"No."  
"Josh, don't do this to yourself."  
"I, I, I need, I, I wanna talk to her," Josh tried to say calmly but his words shook.  
"Not a good idea."

"I need to Chase." He said a minute later and Chase held eye contact with him. Josh knew what he was trying to do, trying to gauge whether he was okay. No, no he wasn't okay, but he needed to do this.  
"Josh I really don't think-"  
"Please, trust me."  
"It's not a trust thing, I just don't want you getting hurt."  
"2 minutes, that's all, I, I need to talk to her."  
"Hmm, fine, 2 minutes, that's all, then I'm getting you, and I'll wait here in the mean time."  
"Thank you." Josh whispered as he blinked away his watery eyes then left his friend's side and walked back down the aisle to where Debby was looking at tiny socks.

"Deb,"  
"Josh if, if you can't do this then I understand."  
"I can. Are, are, um, are you pregnant again?" He tried to ask casually, seeing the items in her basket.  
"No, it's for Luke, I uh, I buy him presents sometimes, cheers me up when I'm sad." She explained softly.  
"Did I upset you?"  
"No no, I came in here to buy Jenna a baby shower gift and, you know, hard seeing all the things we got him knowing that he never got to use them. So yeah, filling that void with teeny tiny socks," the nurse smiled lightheartedly but he could sense the real hurt in her voice.

"Why are you here then? Darcy?"  
"Darcy." He managed to choke out.  
"And your bodyguard over there giving me the stinkeye?"  
"Chase, roommate, and uh, and sorry,"  
"No no it's okay, he's looking out for you, I'm glad." She said honestly but Josh was still struggling to verbalise the relentless ramblings of his mind.

"Is this your first time back in the store?"  
"Uh huh," Josh nodded anxiously.  
"First time always sucks the hardest, it sucks real bad,"  
"Sure does."  
"You can say no, but do you want me to help you find something nice for Darcy?"  
"W-would you?"  
"Of course, not a problem J," she smiled and his heart fluttered whilst his mind span. "I just got her a little bunny sleepsuit, we're not close anymore so it's just a small thing but hopefully Jenna will appreciate it. And I can show you some of the other options I explored?"  
"That would be, um, kinda amazing actually? I'm no good at this baby stuff."  
"You'll get there." She reassured him and, for a moment, he believed her. That signature perfect smile crept across her lips and Josh resisted the urge to blush as Debby started to lead the way to her close-purchases and coincidentally towards Chase.

"Alright let's get you home."  
"Actually I'm just gonna quickly show Josh some onesies I saw earlier." Debby said to Josh's roommate.  
"Well we're leaving." Chase stated firmly and Josh felt all sorts of protectiveness.  
"It will only take a minute." His ex went on to say.  
"I don't know why exactly you think you know what's best for him over me but I'm taking my best friend home."  
"Chase we dated for a decade, she knows how to look after me-" Josh began defending Debby.  
"She left you! Twice!" He exclaimed and suddenly any scrap of bravery was sapped from Josh's throat and he had no response to come back with. Chase was totally out of line but Josh was too anxious to do anything about it.

"That's true but also not the whole story, however, Josh if you wanna go then that's your choice and I accept that." Debby swooped into his rescue with a level of calm he could only dream of.  
"Chase, I'll just, I'll meet you later alright?"  
"Josh I really don't-"  
"I'll text you when we're done." Josh tried to tell his friend, feeling safe to be on Debby's side again.  
"I promised your mom I would look af-"  
"I'm a grown man, Chase, I'll meet you later."  
"I'll look after him." Debby smiled and Josh was in heaven for a brief second amongst the anxiety.

"Hurgh, fine, guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces later then." Chase sighed pissed off then walked away and left the exs together in the baby store.

"I'm so sorry,"  
"Nah don't worry about it, if I had been here with Jess then you would have received a whole lot worse than that." Debby laughed sweetly. "They're just our friends trying to do whatever they can to protect us, you gotta be appreciative even if they go a bit too far sometimes."  
"Yeah," Josh agreed.  
"But we're alright with each other, aren't we?"  
"Yeah I think so." He smiled.

"Right come on, I'll show you these onesies." She decided, leading the way round the corner and down an aisle. Once again he was hit with those gender specific colours that he and Debby used to rant about all the time. But he pushed aside those pink stereotypes and focused on the way Debby's hand so delicately picked up an outfit and turned to him for its inspection with a smile.

"Cute hey?"  
"Very,"  
"Super soft as well."  
"Yeah," he smiled as he stroked the soft fabric she handed him. As she turned back to the racks and began flicking for more potential gifts, Josh felt a small build of security in his stomach that he decided to run with.

"Debby."  
"Yeah?"  
"What I said at the hospital, I, I shouldn't have said that I am so unbelievably remorseful. I'm sorry."  
"Oh that's alright Josh, high emotion night, Darcy being born and seeing me again, I get why you got yourself a bit worked up. But you can still have the tattoo if that's what you're worried about."  
"No, no not that time, well I am sorry for that too, but I meant went Luke passed away. I shouted at you, blamed you,"  
"Oh you mean that thing," she realised sadly, and Josh noticed her focusing very hard on the clothes and not on making eye contact.

"It wasn't your fault Debby, and I was wrong to put that on you. You don't have to say that it's okay or anything because I know it's not, but I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I said and how I treated you and it wasn't your fault." Josh continued and Debby continued to process with privacy which he knew not to push for a reply. Instead he began flicking through another row of tiny clothes to give her time.

"Josh, thank you," she said hushed.  
"Long time overdue."  
"Worth it," the woman whispered, then turned to face him. "Can I have a hug?"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Then yeah okay," Josh nodded and opened his arms for the ginger woman he adored so dearly. She fitted perfectly, just like she always used to, and Josh felt the calmest he had all day, all year. Her head was against his chest and his heart was pounding straight through it but for all the right reasons. This was perfect and she was perfect and she still, still had the ability to fill him with a sense of bliss like no other.

"Thanks," she smiled softly, tucking her hair behind her ear as she stepped back again. "Listen, say no if you want, but after you buy your gift do you want to go for dinner with me?"  
"Dinner?" Josh said surprised.  
"Just burgers or something, nothing fancy."  
"Sounds perfect." He grinned.

 

 

"So go on then, explain the thinking behind the yellow." Debby asked, leaning back against the booth and sipping her sprite through the straw she always insisted on having.  
"Well it was the most expensive and Chase bought the dye."  
"Hahaha fair enough," she giggled and Josh smiled. "Gonna stick with it long term?"  
"I think so," he replied, resisting the urge to ruffle his hair like he did when he was anxious. "Or might go pink again once this starts fading."  
"Pink was always my favourite."  
"Yeah me too."

"How pink is Darcy's nursery? Have Jenna and Tyler completely gender specified the whole place?"  
"I dunno actually, haven't visited," Josh admitted, playing with the salt shaker. "I don't think they've painted it, doubt Tyler physically can and shouldn't imagine Jenna will have wanted to be up a ladder 9 months pregnant."  
"How is Tyler? Only saw him for a few minutes last week and he was fitting the whole time."  
"Urrrm, he's made a hell of a lot of progress, I'll give him that."  
"Yeah," she listened intently.  
"The wheelchair isn't a permanent thing, he can walk with a cane, he just slipped over the other day and broke his wrist."  
"Ouch,"  
"Yeah, I was the one who found him actually. He's pretty upset about it because he's already lost the use of his right side so now he can't hold a cane in either hand."  
"Hemiparesis, eek, that's no fun at all," Debby said, seemingly genuinely concerned and sympathetic.

"He's got epilepsy but honestly it doesn't play up too much, it's mainly just the weakness in his side."  
"How about cognitively? He coping okay?"  
"Remarkably." Josh nodded. "Took him a while to get back to himself but now he's almost back entirely. Then with reading and that sort of thing he can do it it just takes a lot of concentration and time, but he's getting quicker by the day. And he can't write because of his right hand but he can type."  
"Oh that's good still."

"He's been getting down over the whole situation recently, but I reckon he'll be okay."  
"Hopefully Darcy will cheer him up, help him see the good he still has in his life."  
"Hope so." Josh nodded, then saw the waitress walk out of the kitchen carrying two plates full of food and heading towards them.

"Good evening, got a blue cheese and bacon burger?"  
"Yeah that's mine thanks, looks great." Debby smiled and the waitress placed the plate in front of her.  
"And that makes this one yours cutiepie," she said, giving Josh his equally towering burger. "Enjoy,"  
"Thank you," he called after her as she walked away.

"Oh did you get sweet potato fries?"  
"Yeeeesss," Josh smiled, knowing exactly what was happening next.  
"Can I try one?"  
"Wanna find out if you like them?" He teased. "Because you've never had them before? Not even once?"  
"Hey you know how this works! You get sweet potato fries, I steal them!" She giggled then reached across and snatched one. Josh laughed as she guiltily munched at it and remembered the literal hundreds of times this had happened before on almost every date - not that this was a date.

"You like it?"  
"I think I need to try a few more, you know, just to make sure." Debby laughed and stole a handful.  
"Better be safe." Josh nodded along with a smirk before eating one himself.

"Oh shoot, did you tell your friend where you are? Is he gonna be stressing?" She asked as they calmed down.  
"Chase? Nah he'll be fine, I dropped him a text so he knows. His gay ass will be alright shopping till the stores shut."  
"He's gay?"  
"Yep."  
"You two dating?" She asked without judgement whilst salting her own fries.  
"Bad as my mom," he sighed with a smile, "No I'm straight, he's just a friend."  
"Just a friend, riiiiightt,"  
"He is!"  
"That's what they all say,"  
"A second ago you didn't even know his name and now suddenly you know all about our hidden gay love!" Josh complained kiddingly.  
"So there is hidden love,"  
"Shut up," he laughed, throwing a sweet potato fry at her that she scoffed at before picking it up from where it had landed in her hair and eating it.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
For a change Josh's heart wasn't pounding and his head was spinning as he stood on Tyler and Jenna's doorstep. He had Darcy's gift in his hand, a selection of matching outfits and soft toys that Debby had helped him pick out so he was definitely confident would be okay. He was also definitely confident he would be okay with doing this because he had spent the whole evening with Debby and babies had cropped up over and over again and eventually he felt used to it.

He was aware that hearing the word and seeing the child were very different things but he was also aware that anxiety could be overcome by confidence, and he was filled with the magic stuff after his perfect evening.

"Jenna, hi, can I come in?" He smiled at the new mother once she opened the door.  
"Oh hey Josh, didn't think we'd be seeing you so soon, yeah course. But quiet please, Ty finally got her asleep."  
"Sorry," he whispered as he followed her into the house, treading lightly.

Jenna had her hair in a messy bun and still wore her pyjamas despite it being 6 in the afternoon, and Josh couldn't help but notice the deep shadows under her eyes. Part of Josh wanted to believe that it was normal newborn exhaustion but something inside him felt a little off. Maybe Darcy wasn't the only person she had been caring for entirely.

"Do you want to see them?" Jenna mouthed.  
"Them?"  
"Darce and Ty, they're in the front room, don't have to."  
"Yes please." Josh nodded quietly, then followed as she opened the door to her where her family was.

The pair were both fast asleep on the couch, and a smile instantly crept up Josh's cheeks. Tyler was slumped in the corner, also in his pyjamas, with his bad leg in its brace resting on an ottoman. His other leg was tucked up on the couch, and Josh noticed how he wasn't wearing his wrist brace and instead had the curled bare arm supporting a sleeping baby on his chest.

His smile grew as he realised that Ty had seemingly cut finger holes in a fluffy sock to serve as a soft sleeve to cover his hard plaster cast and also used that arm to hold the baby in place. Her tiny body rose and fell as he took each breath, and Josh was relieved to feel nothing but pride as he admired the perfect child - whose sleeping expression was identical to her father's.

Jenna softly put a hand on Josh's arm and he turned then followed her away from the sleeping pair and over to the kitchen. Only once she shut the door did he dare to raise his voice above a whisper.

"Peaceful,"  
"It's not always like this I can assure you," she smiled. "Drink?"  
"Water please," Josh replied and watched as she filled a glass then passed it to him before sitting down on the chair next to him at the table.

"How are you then? How's it been?"  
"Exhausting," she sighed with a smile. "She's amazing but she has a nice little habit of waking up every half hour wanting a feed or fuss."  
"Sounds like me." Josh laughed.  
"Haha. But yeah I'm pretty sure Ty has slept more in the past day than Darce and I have in total all week."  
"How's Ty doing?"  
"Really well Josh, really really well." Jenna seemed genuinely proud, which brought a smile to his face.

"He's not been to physio all week which I'm slightly concerned about but he's helping with Darcy as much as he can so I'm not complaining too much."  
"And how much can he help?"  
"We've worked out he can't do diapers or onesies or pushchairs but he can hold her whilst sitting down and most importantly he can sing her to sleep."  
"Bless, that's sweet,"  
"Yeah, he's really good with her."  
"And he's happy?"  
"Very." She smiled.

"I got a little something for you guys." Josh said a moment later, bringing the gift bag up onto the table and sliding it across to her.  
"Thank you,"  
"Had a bit of help picking things out but there's a gift receipt if you need to change anything."  
"Aww look at these J, so cute," she cooed as she began unfolding all the little outfits Debby had selected. "Bless, she's gonna look adorable."  
"There's a matching hat with that one."  
"Oh yeah," she noticed, putting the hat together with one of the full length sleepsuits. "Check you out hey, matching hats and everything. Very thoughtful, thank you,"  
"Debby's influence."  
"Debby?" Jenna echoed surprised, putting down the gifts and looking up at him.

"We, uh, we're talking again."  
"Wow okay, tell me more."  
"At the hospital when you were in the delivery room we bumped into each other. Tad awkward to say the least, but we worked through that and got coffee together in the end. Then Ty got sick and she had to run off which freaked me a bit, but afterwards she came and calmed me down, talked me through the panic I was having."  
"Bless,"  
"And then again, completely by coincidence, we were both at the baby store at the same time yesterday. She helped me pick out those bits and bobs then we went to that diner on the corner and yeah, spent about 3 hours just eating and talking and laughing."  
"J that sounds amazing." She smiled.

"It was. Also, just so you know, I properly apologised to her for blaming her."  
"Well done Josh, I know that must have meant a lot to her."  
"Hopefully,"  
"Aw I'm really happy," she grinned, "honestly I was expecting not to see you for a while and for there to be lots of crying and freaking out and taking things super slowly and easing you through everything bit by bit, but by the sounds of it you're doing fantastically and I'm so proud of you."  
"Than-"  
"JEN!" He heard Tyler call from the other room suddenly.  
"Sorry," she apologised before standing up to check on what her husband needed. For a moment Josh contemplated staying in the kitchen but instead decided to follow after her.

As he entered, he saw Darcy upset and wriggling but not yet crying. Jenna swooped up their baby and began softly bouncing her whilst walking round the room.  
"Shh shh, s'okay, shhh, Mommy's here,"  
"Sorry, she was slipping and I couldn't reposition her,"  
"No it's okay Ty," Jenna reassured him whilst settling the child.

"Look who's here."  
"Hey man," Josh waved from the door, and Tyler instantly smiled.  
"Josh!"  
"Thought I'd pop by and see how you all are," he explained, sitting next to him on the couch.  
"Great thanks, she's an angel and Jenna's amazing as ever,"

"Josh bought a couple of new outfits and a few soft toys for her," Jenna told her husband whilst pacing and bouncing.  
"And I'm willing to bet that not a single item is pink because you're so intent on ending gender stereotypes," Tyler predicted correctly and they laughed, but Darcy suddenly began to scream.

"Shhh, shhh Darce, shhh, you're alright, Mommy's here, sssshh sweetie,"  
"She's got a good pair of lungs on her," Josh smiled as she balled profusely, going red in the face.  
"You can say that again,"  
"Shhh sweetheart, come on, shhhh, shhh you're alright, shhh, shhhh,"  
"Jen, want me to try darling?" Tyler offered.  
"Want a Daddy hug sweetie? Yeah? Shhh, come on, nice and calm for Daddy, ssshhh," Jenna whispered to the crying little girl whilst bouncing over towards her husband. Tyler unfolded his arms from his chest and Jenna carefully leant down and placed the crying parcel against him. She helped him to get comfortable and secure, moving his arms around when he couldn't.

"Safe?" She checked before letting go.  
"Safe." He nodded.

"Such favouritism," she sighed as the baby stopped screaming and began whimpering instead, head resting against Tyler's chest.  
"Shhh princess, you're okay, Daddy's got you, shhh, Daddy's got you," Tyler hummed reassuringly and Darcy calmed down slowly. Josh couldn't help but be impressed by his friend, and managed to smile at the tearful baby facing him. He wasn't sure he would be able to hold her, but a smile was still a big step and he was proud of himself for it.

"Darcy, you see that man? That man's your uncle Joshie," Tyler told her, lips almost pressing against her wrinkled head.  
"Hey littleone," Josh waved at her softly.  
"You okay with this?" Tyler went on to ask him.  
"I'm okay." He nodded honestly. "You're beautiful, aren't you, hey?"  
"Takes after her mother,"  
"Got your nose though Ty."  
"Sorry princess," he laughed a little and Darcy moved up and down too but stayed settled, slowly blinking.

"Jen did you ask Josh about tomorrow?"  
"No not yet babe," Jenna shook her head, still standing and holding her back.  
"What's up?"  
"Ty's got a neuro check up with Dr Hansen and as of right now I can't take both him and Darcy so it's looking like we're gonna have to cancel or rearrange."  
"No no don't be silly, I'll take you."  
"Sure?" Tyler checked.  
"Yeah course, what time's the appointment?"  
"10.30."  
"And is it like a quick hello or more of a thorough assessment?"  
"Full assessment, probably gonna take at least 45 minutes, maybe more. The appointment is booked for an hour." Jenna answered as Tyler kissed his baby.  
"Yeah that'll be fine, I've got work but if I tell Chuck I'm with you then he'll give me the morning off, no problem."  
"Thanks so much J,"  
"Yeah thanks."

"Not a problem, I'll swing by just before 10 to pick you up?"  
"Come for breakfast if you want, least we can do." Tyler offered.  
"Only if you want to though J, don't try and juggle too many challenges at once, especially as you're doing so well at the moment." Jenna added, a slightly look of concern on her face.  
"Oh I meant it as a friendly thing, but if it's hard then that's my bad, no worries,"  
"Breakfast sounds great, thank you guys."

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
"Want me to?"  
"Haha yes please," Tyler laughed, so Josh reached across and fastened his belt for him, ending his friend's struggle. "Thank you,"  
"Comfy?"  
"Uh huh." He nodded, so Josh put his car in gear and pulled away from their house. Jenna had fed them both, Tyler slightly more literally, and Josh was filled up and happy to be with his best bud.

"Have you got my anti seizure meds?"  
"In my pocket, why, feeling ill? Need me to stop the car?"  
"No no I'm fine, just Dr Hansen wanted to see the packet."  
"Oh alright, yeah I've got em."  
"Thanks,"

"You feeling good for this appointment? Reckon it's gonna go well?"  
"Yeah I hope so. Probably won't help that I haven't been to Silver Oaks in a week, but yeah, memory and thinking and all the rest have been good recently."  
"With Silver Oaks, if you need a ride then I'm here, Dun's taxi service."  
"Haha thanks. I know I need to go but at the same time, Darcy's just too cute to leave,"  
"Yeah," Josh smiled, happy Tyler was so proud of his little girl.

"This is the furthest I've been from her since she was born."  
"Aw that's sweet. Has she left the house yet?"  
"Yeah we've had a couple of big adventures actually. Been to the park on walks a few times, visited Jenna's mom once, we be craaazayy," Tyler laughed a little.  
"At risk of being offensive and intrusive, how exactly does going on a walk work for you?"  
"You know those, um, those sling wrap baby carrier things, the soft fabric ones? I wear that on my chest and put my little princess in and Jenna's pushes my chair. That way I can hold her still but not have to stress about her slipping from my arms."  
"Oh that's a good idea." Josh replied honestly.  
"Yeah it works well."

"But I mean you were holding her yesterday and this morning by yourself man, you're doing a pretty darn good job of that too."  
"Yeah she only almost wriggled away three times, that's fiiiiine," Tyler smiled sarcastically but seemed proud of himself still. "Her sliding off my chest and onto the couch is obviously not great but she's a tough cookie, she'd be alright. Whereas slipping from my lap onto the sidewalk, not ideal."  
"True."

"Have you told your family?" Josh went on to ask.  
"Sent my mother a text telling her date time weight and name, she read it but didn't reply."  
"Sucks."  
"Yep. Jenna said they only visited 3 times whilst I was in hospital."  
"Yeah that's right, and only for about 10 minutes. As soon as you started waking up they stopped coming, and quite frankly you deserve better than that Ty. It's nice of you to want to keep them involved in your life but if they can't support you with your ill health, whether that's mental or physical, then you don't need to continue putting yourself out there just to get hurt."  
"Yeah," he sighed. "I've got a new family now, my own family to focus on."  
"Exactly." Josh agreed as he turned the corner. "And you know my mom is happy to adopt you if you want a surrogate mom,"  
"Mommy Laura, sounds good."

"Changing the subject totally here, in the appointment do you want or need me to say anything on your behalf? Want me to mention some of the things you were saying and feeling before Darcy, or anything else for the matter?"  
"Actually you don't have to come in with me,"  
"Sure?"  
"Yeah, you're probably sick of hearing me count backwards from a hundred in sevens." Tyler laughed. "And anyway, a certain little birdy told me a certain nurse is on shift today and would certainly like to get a coffee with a certain yellow haired man."  
"Jenna's such a gossip," Josh sighed with a smile.  
"Yep, and I'm just as bad, that's why we make such a good team." Tyler laughed.

"What did she tell you then?"  
"That you and Debby are in looooove," he teased.  
"We just went for dinner."  
"And you looooove her,"  
"Maaaayybbee," Josh laughed at himself.  
"And you wanna kiiiiiisssss her,"  
"And I wanna take things at heeeerrrrrr pace,"  
"Hahaha, but seriously, you two okay? Patching things up?"  
"I mean I don't want to jinx anything or push her because I was totally in the wrong and I was a shitty person and it's completely up to her whether anything happens again between us, but of course I'd love it if it did."  
"Yeah," Tyler listened.  
"Last night was amazing, it was just like how we were when we were younger. Back in Paris."  
"Best month of your life."  
"Best month of my life." Josh remembered with a giddy smile. "But I'm not swooping her off to Paris just yet, however if you insist I haaaave to get coffee with her then I suppose I'll get coffee with her."

 

 

"Hi, is Sister Ryan available please?" Josh asked the nurse on the maternity desk after dropping Tyler off at neurology.  
"Let me just check," the woman replied, walking away and leaving Josh to read the various support groups and pamphlets pinned to the wall beside him. After a minute or two she returned with a smiling ginger woman by her side.

"Someone's keen," she laughed as they made eye contact. "Everything alright?"  
"Yeah, I just took Tyler upstairs for an appointment and I was wondering whether you wanted to grab a coffee or something?"  
"Jake just got back so you can take your break if you want," the other nurse told Debby.  
"Yeah thanks okay, I'm doing a scan for Mr and Mrs Davies at 11 but I'll be back in time for that."  
"Alright, see you later,"  
"Bye," she waved and began walking alongside Josh towards the cafe down the corridor.

"Couldn't keep away from me hey?"  
"You know it," Josh laughed, resisting the urge to reach out and hold her hand that brushed past his too many times to be accidental. She was flirting and he knew it.  
"Is Ty okay?"  
"Just a check up, he's alright."  
"Oh that's a relief,"

"Want to go sit down and I'll grab the drinks?" Josh offered as they entered.  
"You're a star, been up since 5." She sighed, heading towards a table. "Know my order?"  
"As if I'd forget,"

 

2 minutes later he waltzed back over to where she had sat down, and carefully positioned the cup in front of her before sitting opposite with a happy smile, taking the time to soak in her beauty.

"Whatcha staring at Dun?"  
"Nothing," he laughed before taking his first sip. "How's your day been so far?"  
"Long and I'm not even half way through my shift, but hey ho, this is what I signed up for. You?"  
"Well I was woken up at 9 by my roommate with a hot chocolate for me, then I took a long hot shower before making the leisurely walk to Tyler and Jenna's house where I was cooked a full breakfast. Got to smile at an adorable baby and then spend time with my best friend before getting a drink with you, so yeah, my day's been hard too."  
"Oh shush you," she complained jokingly.

"But a baby? Darcy? How was that?"  
"I did okay actually." Josh told her proudly. "Went round yesterday after work to drop off those gifts, which they liked by the way so thanks, and then I stayed for about an hour. Had to turn down holding her, but I waved and smiled and sat next to Ty whilst he held her and yeah, stayed calm, stayed happy, I think it went really really well."  
"Oh well done, that's awesome,"  
"Yeah I mean I managed to go back for breakfast this morning so my anxiety has been behaving and I'm proud of that."  
"Rightfully so, you're doing great." She smiled that perfect smile.  
"Thank you,"

"And Jen and Ty? How are they finding it?"  
"I think Tyler's loving it. I think he stresses quite a lot about physical things and is quite quick to underestimate his abilities but I think the love and happiness is definitely there. I mean he absolutely adores her."  
"Bless, I'm happy for him. And Jen?"  
"She's exhausted, completely and utterly exhausted. Not only has she got a newborn to care for but she's also got Ty on top of that. I think once his wrist heals and he starts walking again then that should take the pressure off a bit but it's basically a full time care job."

"How long till his cast comes off?"  
"Just under a month."  
"Still quite a while then," she sighed. "Do you think you could help her out at all? I mean that's a lot for her to deal with. Darcy might be difficult for you to take on, but is there anything you might be able to do for Ty?"  
"Now I know that I'm okay around Darcy then yeah, I'm gonna start going round more to try and help out. I brought him here and I'm gonna start ferrying him around to physio."  
"Oh that's good of you," the nurse smiled.  
"Least I can do." He shrugged in response. "Might see whether my boss will let him tag along at work for a morning a week or something, just get him out of the house, give Jenna some space."  
"That's a lovely idea J."  
"Have to run it past Tyler first, he's still the same stubborn guy as ever and I sure as hell won't be able to make him if he doesn't want to."  
"Hahaha," she laughed sweetly and Josh fell a tiny bit further in love.

"Can I ask a random question?"  
"Go for it." Josh nodded, finishing off his coffee.  
"Which record shop do you work in?"  
"That's not random at all! That's you wanting to know where I am so you can casually accidentally come and see me." He teased. "But it's State Street Records."  
"Well if that's not a random question, can I have another go?"  
"I suppose," the yellow haired man laughed.  
"Do you wanna go out on Saturday? Like, um, on a proper date maybe?"  
"Are you asking me out Debby Ryan?"  
"Yes I am Joshua Dun."  
"Well I say yes, yes I'd like that very much." He failed to hide his grin.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
When Josh arrived at the couple's house the day after Tyler's appointment, the man was asleep in the bed downstairs and it was just Jenna with Darcy against her chest who answered the door. She lead the way into the kitchen and, despite her protests, Josh was the one who quickly made them both drinks.

"How long has he been sleeping?"  
"Since 2pm, so almost 5 hours now,"  
"Wow, was he up all night?"  
"Nope, that was me, he just needs to sleep a lot since he came home."  
"And how about you? Do you get any sleep at all?"  
"Not really," she sighed with a smile that Josh didn't believe for a second. "She takes an hour to settle then wakes up half an hour later and it's an ongoing never ending cycle."  
"Yeah," Josh listened.  
"It's always always my turn to go to her. I have to go because I'm the only one who can get out of bed and I'm the only one who can pick her up from the cot and the only who can change her or walk her around or feed her."  
"Mmm,"  
"Just tiring," she obviously underplayed the strain.  
"You never get a break, do you?"  
"No not really." Jenna smiled down at her baby in her arms but it was fake and Josh could sense tears could be following soon.

"And it's nobody's fault, I don't blame anyone, I don't blame Ty, I just wish he had used the wet room you know?"  
"Yeah,"  
"I, I got it put in specially, I had to battle the insurance company night and day until they eventually caved and, I just, I worked really hard Josh," she said, having to bite her lip at the end of the sentence as her voice broke. "I worked so hard to make the house a safe place for him, and, it's silly I know, but nobody ever said thank you or well done. I spent so many nights seizure proofing everything, I was 7 months pregnant on my hands and knees padding sharp corners and laying thick carpets and drilling grab bars and throwing out all our glass tables and assembling new safe ones. I just wanted it to be perfect for him, a-and he didn't even notice my efforts."  
"Jenna you should have said something, I would have helped."

"All he had to do was use the wet room, that's it, and I love him and I know it's so much more complicated than I'm making it seem but if he had just used it then this would be so much easier." Jenna breathed out shakily, a few tears escaping down her tired cheeks.  
"Yeh,"  
"At least that way he wouldn't have fallen and snapped his wrist and he wouldn't be in the chair and I wouldn't have to go back to doing everything for him just at the same time I gave birth to Darcy."  
"That's an okay way to feel Jenna," Josh reassured the crying woman.

"He tries so hard and I love him so much Josh but it's still me who's sat here holding our baby whilst the dishwasher I just stacked cleans all the equipment I used to make all our meals and the washing machine I just loaded washes all the clothes I sorted and will later iron, all whilst he has another nap."  
"I'm not doubting you love him, nobody is, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for a little bit of extra help. You're a full time carer for your husband and your newborn with no support, I doubt many people could keep that up as long as you have. Don't feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed."  
"This morning, at 4am after Darcy had woken for the fourth time and I had given up on trying to sleep, I ended up going on the Silver Oaks website and looking up respite care."  
"Respite care? Right okay," Josh nodded, suddenly comprehending how hard this had hit the blonde woman.

"I love him, I, I don't want to have to send him away," she broke down, taking one hand from the blanket wrapping Darcy and bring it up to mop her salty eyes up.  
"It would just be for a little while. You're shattered Jen, you need a rest, he'll understand."  
"No, no he won't," the mother cried. "You heard him in the hospital the other week, he thinks he's a burden, if he thinks even for a moment that he's too much for me then he's gonna slip straight back into his depression. I can't do that to him."

"Jenna, Jenna just look at yourself, you can't go on like this. And yes, Darcy's going to start sleeping better and Tyler's wrist is going to heal so he can walk but they're both still quite far off in the distance and I don't think that this is sustainable. You are working so hard and I'm really proud of you and I admire your determination but you just gave birth, you shouldn't be working hard, you should be resting and taking care of yourself rather than everyone else."  
"So what do I do Josh?"  
"You ask for help." He said with a sympathetic smile.

"I'll help as much as I can. I um, I'm not quite ready to take on Darcy just yet, but things like stacking dishwasher I can do. Then I can also help with Ty as much as possible, whilst I'm here I'll help him get around and eat and use the bathroom." Josh offered. "And I'll take him to his physio and to the aquarium and to work with me, give you some space to relax with Darce."  
"It's just needing to be with Darce but also needing to be with him at the same time. I can't leave either of them and they're never asleep at the same time so I rarely sleep myself and-"  
"Jenna, Jenna you don't need to explain yourself, I understand completely." He interrupted the increasingly hysterical woman.

Josh felt a little helpless as she cried in front of him, wanting to give her a hug but not feeling comfortable including the baby in that. Instead he watched as she wiped away unending tears, when suddenly Darcy began to cry. She cried and screamed and her little face turned red as she emptied her lungs at the top of her range.

"Sssshhh, shhhhhh, Darcy shhhhh, shhshhh, darling please, shhh, shhhhh," Jenna tried to calm her down to no avail.  
"Does she need feeding? Because I can give you privacy."  
"I only just fed her," she sniffed, standing up and repositioning the baby so she was facing over her shoulder. Still crying, she walked around the kitchen whilst bouncing the child. "Shhhh, please sweetie, shhhshhh, Mommy's tired, please, sshhh,"  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
"JEN!" Tyler yelled from the other room and Josh felt himself getting upset simply imagining the heart breaking situation Jenna was in.  
"I'll see to him," Josh told her, standing up and walking down the hall towards his friend.

"Ty? Everything okay?"  
"Oh Josh, hi, is Jenna coming?" Tyler asked, sitting up in the bed.  
"Jenna's with Darcy, can I do anything for you?"  
"I wanted to tell her Darcy's upset, she woke me up."  
"She knows Ty, she's trying her best to calm her down."  
"Did she try feeding her?"  
"Yes." Josh nodded.  
"And walking her around?"  
"Trying that now, she's doing a good job don't worry. Do you need some help getting up?"  
"Nah, I'm uh, I'm still exhausted, gonna try get some more sleep, it's just difficult when Darcy's crying like that. Can you please quiet her down?" Tyler said, pulling the covers over his shoulders and resting his head down on the pillow.

"Tyler are you sure you don't want to try and help calm her down? Sing to her or hug her or anything to help Jenna at all?"  
"Like you said, Jenna's doing a good job, she'll be fine," he yawned, closing his eyes and hinting for Josh to leave. He resisted the urge to sigh and simply shut the door and walked back to the kitchen where Jenna was still rocking the screaming infant.

"Is he okay?"  
"He's fine, trying to go back to sleep."  
"Right," Jenna sighed tearfully as the baby cried and cried.  
"Does she have a pacifier?"  
"Josh can you call me sister please? Tell her I need her?"  
"Absolutely."

 

 

Half an hour after Carrie arrived, Jenna had obeyed when ordered to go to bed and Darcy had finally settled in the older sister's arms. She was sat beside Josh on the couch, slowly stroking her niece's back.

"Do you think she'll be asleep by now?"  
"Yeah, moment her head hit the pillow she would have gone she was that tired." Carrie hummed. "Takes a lot for her to ask for help, must be bad."  
"Yeah that's the impression I got too." Josh replied. "Ty's not doing it on purpose, I reckon he's totally oblivious, but that doesn't make it any easier on Jenna."  
"No but we can't expect too much of him. As long as he focuses all his energy on getting better then that's good enough, and we'll just have to fill in all the holes left behind."  
"Course." Josh nodded.  
"Would you like that Darce? Auntie Carrie and Uncle Joshie help Mommy out a bit?" She cooed at the young child softly.

"I work Monday through Friday but only 10 through 6 so I can come round and help with breakfast and bedtime plus weekends."  
"Well my husband's looking after the kids tonight so I'll sleep over and take care of things tomorrow too but I'll need to be home by Saturday for their dance classes. If you could hang around here Saturday then that would be a massive help,"  
"I've got a date at 7 but yeah, I'll be here the rest of the day,"  
"I'm sure any help at all will be appreciated." Carrie said, still stroking her niece who blinked sleepily at Josh.  
"And needed." He added honestly.

 

  
•• •• •• •• •• ••

 

  
Josh arrived at Jenna and Tyler's at 7am on the Saturday, earlier than he usually woke up for work. But he was up early and eager to get back to them and start helping. Not wanting to wake up any sleeping family members, he unlocked their door with his key and quietly entered the house.

First thing he did was go into the kitchen and take his jacket off then get out the boxes of cereals they both liked alongside two bowls. He decided to save taking the milk out of the fridge until he was sure the couple were awake, then walked back down the hall to check.

The house had a guest room on the ground floor that had conveniently become Jenna and Tyler's room whilst he was temporarily unable to climb the stairs, and Josh carefully opened the door. He smiled as he saw Tyler sat up in the bed beside his sleeping wife and baby, red file in his hands that Josh instantly recognised as his reading tasks from Silver Oaks.

"Scared me," he whispered, putting down the work.  
"Sorry, wanna go next door and leave these two to sleep?" Josh whispered back and Tyler nodded, so he opened the door further with a creak making him wince and check they were both still asleep. Thankfully they were, so Josh wheeled the chair against the wall over to Tyler's side of the bed and half aided half lifted him into it, red file still on his lap. He pushed his best friend away from the bedroom and down to the kitchen once again.

Tyler was dressed in his pyjamas, a fairly usual sight, and also wasn't wearing his wrist brace which was slowly becoming more normal, however his exposed right foot was without a brace and Josh's eyes weren't used to seeing the unnaturally tight angle at which his ankle turned and the way his foot had dropped as though simply an extension of his shin opposed to something he could actually stand on. It wouldn't heal but at least the orthotic brace would enable him to weight bare once his broken wrist finally healed.

"Thanks,"  
"That's alright, what you reading?" Josh asked, sitting on a chair close to where he was parked.  
"It's a short story called A Missing Cat."  
"How's it going?"  
"I got a bit stuck,"  
"Okay, do you want me to have a look and help you with any of the words?" He offered.  
"Please." Tyler nodded, then began flicking through the file of single-page stories written in slightly bigger text than normal, some in different colours, before finding his missing cat page.

"Which word?"  
"That one." Tyler pointed with his hand in cast.  
"It says irritated. 'Lady, you're supposed to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS,' said the irritated policeman," Josh read the full sentence for his friend.  
"Oh okay, thank you,"  
"S'alright man, it's quite a weird one."

"I, uh, I've been imagining this story is about you." Tyler smiled a little guiltily to himself.  
"Me?"  
"Yeah, s'about a crazy cat lady."  
"Nah, Debby's the crazy cat lady, she's up to 5 now," Josh laughed. "Want some cereal?"  
"Meds first."  
"Okeydokes, meds first, you'll have to tell me which ones and how many though." He said as he reached up and got the box out of the cupboard where he knew they were stored.

"Jenna made me an idiot's guide, it's the yellow piece of card." Tyler explained and Josh saw it and took it out first. It was split off into two sections, and one had the sun and the other had the moon at the top. Underneath each heading were rows of different colour dots.  
"Explain it to me?"  
"It's for when I couldn't read at all. Sun means morning, then the medication boxes have a colour sticker on them and I take the same number as the dots. Like for example I take 2 of the red ones, and one of the boxes has a red sticker."  
"Oh okay, yeah I got it." Josh hummed whilst beginning to pop out all the different pills his friend needed.

"How did you all sleep last night?"  
"Better I think." Tyler replied, watching closely. "I, um, I had a pretty nasty seizure at like 12 which woke and upset both Jenna and Darcy but after I came round again I made sure I stayed awake until they both fell back asleep and thankfully it didn't take too long."  
"You're having quite a few seizures recently aren't you?"  
"Yeah, about 2 or 3 a day, I mentioned it to Dr Hansen at my appointment and he's going to book me in for another EEG and maybe mess around with my meds."  
"I'm sure they'll get it sorted Ty, for now you've just gotta concentrate on looking after yourself." Josh told him, then walked across with an assortion of different sized pills and a glass of water. Tyler put them in his mouth then took the water and washed them back.

"Thanks,"  
"No problem." Josh smiled, putting the glass back down for him. "Is there supposed to be an injection too? Like in your leg or something?"  
"That was just a course of steroids, it's done now."  
"Alright, just don't wanna miss anything."  
"Yeah thanks for checking."

"You wanna do something with me today?"  
"Won't Jenna need you?" Tyler asked. "Her sister said she would."  
"I think she just needs a hand looking after both you and Darce at the same time. Not your fault or anything but just whilst you're fitting so much and you're in the chair, need an extra eye on you that she simply doesn't have. Luckily I do though, so wanna hit up the aquarium?"  
"Check with her first but yeah, sounds good."

 

 

"Oh look at that one!" Tyler exclaimed happily, pointing at one of the fish with his broken wrist. "It's got a little beard,"  
"It's a polymixia if I remember correctly,"  
"How do you remember all of these?" He laughed as Josh sat on one of the benches next to Tyler's wheelchair.  
"I haven't had sex for a loooong time,"  
"Hahaha you and me both brother," Tyler grinned across at him before going back to watching the tank.

"But hey, tonight might be the big night for you at least."  
"Woah don't go getting ahead of yourself there Ty, it's just a date." Josh laughed.  
"You anxious at all?"  
"Nervous, not anxious. If I'm honest with you Ty I haven't felt properly anxious since we had that first coffee together."  
"Anxious about things with Debby or just anxiety in general?"  
"Anxiety over anything, I'm weirdly calm."  
"Wow, that's awesome,"  
"That's just the effect she has on me," Josh told his friend with a proud smile creeping up his cheeks.

"Yep you're pulling tonight."  
"Shut up," he complained whilst jokingly shoving Tyler in the arm.  
"Hey! You can't push me! I'm disabled!" Tyler giggled playfully.  
"Oh can't I now! What was that then hey?!"  
"Bullying, just you wait till this cast comes off, I'll be right back at you with a left hook, cold cock you right in the face."  
"Hahaha I'll watch my step." Josh laughed.

"Seriously though man, I'm happy for you both."  
"Me too."  
"I ship you two, always have, and I can just tell you're gonna make this work. I kid about but I know that you two need to take things slow, don't rush this, take your time during the sensitive and scary bits and eventually your patience is all gonna pay off. It'll be worth it and you'll both be happy."  
"Thank you Ty,"

 

 

  
"Daddy's home, look Darce, Daddy's home, say hey to Daddy," Jenna sang to the baby in her arms.  
"Hey princess," Tyler smiled at her. "Look, Daddy and Uncle Josh bought you a present."  
"Here you go littleone," Josh cooed, getting out the octopus plushie Ty had picked out for her and passing it across to Jenna. She took it then shook it in front of Darcy until she reached out and hit it with her tiny shrivelled hand.

"Aw she loves it, well done Daddy," she smiled, then leant down and kissed him quickly on the lips. Josh couldn't help but smile himself, and gave Jenna a nod when she smiled appreciatively.  
"Does Daddy get a hug from his little princess?"  
"Course Daddy does," Jenna nodded, "wanna go on the couch so you can have her for a while?"  
"Okay,"  
"Josh do you mind? I just need to quickly find this little monkey a blankie."  
"No problem." Josh agreed, then took Tyler next door to the living room to help him move onto the sofa.

"Can you grab the ottoman first? For my leg." Tyler asked, gesturing to the poof.  
"Yep. Jenna seems happy," Josh hummed happily as he moved it into position, then moved the wheelchair nice and close.  
"Yeah, yeah she does."  
"On 3, 1 2 3," he said, then lifted Tyler onto the couch.

"Comfy?" Josh checked, but Tyler had spaced out a little, staring off into the mid distance. "Ty? Ty, look at me." He called out to him when suddenly his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he slouched over on the cushions before beginning to shake violently.

"JENNA! HE'S FITTING, WHAT DO I DO?" Josh cried out panicked, shoving the wheelchair out of the way and falling down next to his seizing friend. Tyler's arms clenched and jerked the same as his legs and cheek and head, and Josh had no idea how to help. His heart pounded and his ears rang.

"Ty baby I'm here," Jenna said, running into the room. She had to put Darcy down on the opposite arm chair then moved over to her husband, Josh hurriedly getting out of the way for her. For a second he watched as she made sure his airway was clear whilst stroking his hair and whispering reassuringly, but suddenly became drawn to the cries coming from the armchair.

With shaky steps he backed away from his jerking best friend and over towards the blanket-bundled child that screeched at the top of her lungs and deafened Josh to Tyler's grunts.

As he became more and more overstimulated and overwhelmed, his thoughts drifted to Luke, everything always ended in Luke. Luke, his boy, his boy who never cried and never sobbed and never breathed. The child who never was.

And yet he was everything to Josh.

But as the baby in front of him screamed terrified whilst her mother attended to her fitting father, Josh felt a tug on his heart strings. He could relate, in a strange and peculiar way, to how the infant cried so terrified. Inside a part of him wanted to cry and the whole of him was terrified.

He didn't know what to do and he was scared.

Darcy wept and Josh didn't know what he was doing but his hands were out in front of him and then they were underneath her and then, wow, she was against his chest. Josh checked he had her safely, one hand holding her legs and one hand supporting her back, and told himself that he wasn't going to drop her, wasn't going to hurt her.

Cautiously cautiously he began to bounce and to rock and to pray that it was all going to be okay.

 

 

"Josh,"  
"Hmm?" He hummed, taking his lips off Darcy's soft head and turning to see Jenna stood in the doorway of the nursery. He was sat in what he presumed to be her feeding chair, the tiny girl asleep in his arms and a sense of calm pulsing through his veins.

"Is she okay?" Jenna asked quietly.  
"Sleeping, Ty?"  
"Sleeping. Thanks for looking after our little girl so well Josh,"  
"I'm holding her, I'm, I'm holding her," Josh said both excitedly and proudly whilst remaining hushed.  
"I can see that J and I am so proud of you,"  
"I did it, Jenna I did it,"  
"Oh bless you Josh," she smiled, reaching out and stroking his fair fondly. "I knew you could, you're being so brave and Luke's so proud of you from up there in Heaven."  
"You think?"  
"I know." The mother nodded and Josh blushed then kissed Darcy's head once again.

"Are you gonna head off soon?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Tonight's the night of your big date isn't it? Don't want to be late." Jenna smiled.  
"I've got ages haven't I?"  
"You've been holding her for over an hour Josh, it's just gone 6."  
"Oh,"  
"If you want to stay then that's okay, Debby will understand."  
"W-would you be okay if I left?"  
"I'll be more than okay darling."

 

 

Despite Josh's protests, Debby had insisted that she organise their date and she pick him up. He tried to persuade her over the phone that he should be the one wooing her but she laughed and pulled the feminism angle and he couldn't argue with that. So he sat in his front room dressed in suit pants and a shirt but no tie, Chase's style decision, nervously bouncing his knees and waiting for her car to pull up.

"You want a Red Bull?" Maria called over her shoulder as she crouched and raided the mini fridge in the corner.  
"If he has caffeine then he's gonna start hammering a hole into the floor." Chase laughed, putting a hand on his shaking knee and settling it.  
"Sorry, and uh no, I'll pass thanks,"  
"It's gonna go fine Josh, I heard you two on the phone last night giggling away, you've got this." Maria reassured him with a smile.  
"Nothing's gonna go wrong J, sh-"  
"JOSH, DOOR!" Toby yelled and Josh felt his heart race as Chase pushed him onto his shaky feet.

He walked out of the room and down the corridor, all anxiety dissolving the moment he met eyes with his stunning date. Her smile grew wider and his matched. She was wearing a stunning black dress that hugged her figure and only made her look more beautiful than he could imagine possible, but he couldn't stop to admire because he couldn't tear his eyes from hers.

"Hey,"  
"Hi," Josh smiled, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek, "Wow, you look a-mazing,"  
"Don't scrub up half bad yourself," she laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear in the way he loved so much. "Ready to go?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Alright kids, have fun, stay safe, be back before midnight, and remember to practice safe sex-"  
"Goodbye Chase!" Josh cut off his friend a little embarrassed but mostly eager to be alone with Debby.  
"Haha we'll be good, bye," Debby smiled at his roommates.  
"Bye," Chase waved and closed the door behind them as they stepped out and into the corridor of the apartment block.

"I know I already said it but honestly you look stunning,"  
"Thank you J,"  
"I'm one lucky guy,"  
"Oh shush," she laughed then reached and found his hand. Her soft skin against his warm palm felt perfect.

"Where are you taking me then?"  
"To the movies, we may be a tad overdressed." Debby laughed.  
"Haha just a bit, and this is about the 8th outfit Chase made me try on."  
"Well I think it's handsome. But yeah, heading to the cinema, not just any cinema though,"  
"Go on," Josh smiled intrigued.  
"Going to the old picture house on third street where we used to work,"  
"Where we met." He realised, a little taken aback by the idea.  
"Yep, and I managed to pull some strings and talk to our old boss, and we have a private screening,"  
"Aw Deb,"  
"Aaaaand and and and and,"  
"And?"  
"And we're watching fight club." She grinned proudly.  
"You're literally perfect, you know that right?"

 

  
"You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world." Josh mouthed along to one of his favourite lines.  
"Nerd," Debby whispered, and Josh laughed. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulder and her head against his chest, and every breath of her company was another moment of perfection. She was perfect.

"Still don't get it,"  
"Tyler and the main character are the same person, he is him."  
"But why doesn't that guy have a name?"  
"He just doesn't," Josh explained with a smile as the characters talked on screen.  
"So why does everyone call him Tyler,"  
"They call Tyler Tyler,"  
"But he is Tyler!" She exclaimed with an adorable chuckle.

"Oh I have some news about Tyler actually, our Tyler,"  
"Were you with him today?"  
"Yeah, I took him over to the aquarium for a couple of hours,"  
"Still fish obsessed I see,"  
"Hey don't try and change me," he laughed, "but after I took him home, I held Darcy."  
"Wait you held her?" She repeated in slight shock, sitting up off his chest and turning to face him.

"I held her, without being forced or prompted and without panicking. I held her and I calmed her down and I got her to sleep all by myself and I can do it Debby, I, I can do it." Josh told her and before he knew it she had practically thrown herself at him, squeezing him tighter than her thin arms seemed able to. He hugged her back, hands gently stroking her perfectly arched back and feeling her perfectly formed torso against his.

"Aw J I'm so proud of you," Debby grinned when she finally released her grip.  
"Thank you, and I think that Luke is as well,"  
"I think so too,"  
"I, I think he's up there, he's watching us," Josh said.  
"Well look away little man, Mom's gonna kiss Dad," Debby told their son, then leant forwards and softly pressed her lips to Josh's and he was in paradise for a brief moment.

"Is it okay if I kiss you again?"  
"Yes," Josh nodded, letting his hand move up and find a place gently on the back of her neck, her beautiful ginger locks curling round his fingers. Debby pressed her lips against his, this time for longer, and Josh found solace in the way they moved as one. He didn't want it to end, didn't want to break apart, but they needed to breathe and eventually he had to pull back.

"Wow," she whispered under her breath with a growing smile.  
"I would very much like to do that again in the future," Josh beamed, this time tucking her hair behind her ear himself.  
"Agreed," Debby laughed, then snuggled up against him.

"Josh are we gonna do this? Are we gonna make this work?"  
"I think so," he reassured her with a small smile to himself, letting his hand wander up and down her arm lovingly.  
"Good, because, uh, because I love you Josh."  
"I love you too Debby,"  
"I never stopped, even during the hardest months, I never stopped loving you."  
"Neither did I, and I promise you Deborah Ann, I'm never putting us through that again. I'm going to be a better person to you, finally be the man you deserve."  
"It wasn't your fault J, none of it was either of ours, and you don't need to change because I love you the way you are, you anxious little mess," she smiled, turning over her shoulder and pecking him on the lips quickly.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Josh asked, suddenly feeling both nervous and completely comfortable.  
"Anything."  
"I bought an engagement ring."  
"You bought a ring?" She checked calmly but he could feel her heart pounding the same as his.  
"Before we lost him, I bought it and it's in the bedside drawer still. I wanted to marry you, and, and nothing's changed."  
"Josh, if you asked me then I would say yes."  
"Promise? Don't go standing me up in front of all these people." Josh laughed in spite of his racing breath.  
"I promise."  
"Okay, here goes," he gulped, sliding from under her and down onto the dark floor of the cinema. He didn't have the ring with him but nevertheless he crouched on one knee between the cramped rows and looked up at the beautiful woman who had tears glistening in her eyes.

"Debby, will you marry me?"  
"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You want an epilogue? Tough luck, you're getting one


	6. What's past is prologue. Except in this case, this is just the epilogue to the main story. Sorry Billy Shakespeare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you could tell from that very clear chapter title, this is the epilogue of Sleep as Deep as Death and therefore the final chapter x

"Jiiiisshwaa, you're missing all the fun." Debby poked her head round the door into the kitchen where Josh was putting the final touches to his simple potato salad.

"I'm almost done, I just feel bad considering you made about a million dishes and I only did one," he smiled.  
"It's alright babe, honest, just come out and say hey to everyone, relax for a change. Plus Ty's working the grill and Jenna thinks he needs a break."  
"Alright I'm coming,"  
"Good, otherwise I'm divorcing you."  
"You love me far too much for that," Josh teased his wife, walking over and resting his arms around her hips then kissing her.  
"Busted." She laughed then kissed him again quickly.

"But seriously, swap with Ty for me? Last thing we need is him faceplanting the coals."  
"Course." He nodded then took her hand and let her lead him out of their kitchen and across the decking to where everyone was spread out on the grass lawn behind their house.

People were scattered everywhere, children running in circles and screaming in delight whilst their parents watched on. A couple of Debby's work friends had formed a rough circle on one side alongside a few of Josh's, and other smaller groups were dotted on the edge of the decking and under an apple tree and some close to the vegetable patch.

The first person to turn and see Josh walk out of the house was his old roommate Chase, who stood and pulled his boyfriend Darren up with him.  
"The kitchen slave has graced us with his presence at long last," Chase smiled before pulling him into a hug.  
"Hahaha hey, good to see you both,"  
"Thanks for having us," Darren replied, wrapping an arm around Chase's waist lovingly.  
"How are you?" Josh asked the couple.  
"Josh," Debby urged him and he could tell that his wife was worried about Tyler.  
"Sorry, I'll catch you both later?"  
"Sure thing," Chase nodded, walking back to the group and letting Josh quickly dash over to the grill where Tyler was tending to the meat.

His friend held tongs in his working hand and flipped over a burger but even from a slight distance Josh could see how unsteady he looked on his feet. Josh picked up the cane resting against the wall a few metres away and walked over to Ty then took the tongs and replaced them with the medical aid, and Tyler quickly breathed a sigh of relief as he rested all his weight down that side.

"You good?"  
"Uh huh,"  
"Go sit down Tyler, I'll take over."  
"Thanks," Tyler sighed with a tired smile, then limped over to a camping chair a few metres away. Josh finished flipping everything then turned to face him.

"Check you out hey, standing without a cane for all that time."  
"Probably not the perfect place to practice, right in front of a grill." He chuckled with a proper smile this time.  
"Haha maybe not, meat's looking good though."  
"Still got the knack," Tyler winked. "King of the grill."  
"Oi, my house, my grill." Josh laughed then pressed the juices of some of the steaks with the instrument.

"Daddy, Daddy will you play tag with me and Wyatt and Leila?" Darcy asked, running up to Tyler and jumping up and down whilst drumming on his thighs excitedly.  
"Daddy's bad leg is a bit ouchy right now, does Mommy want to play?" Tyler replied, taking his daughter's hand and spinning her playfully as she literally bounced around.  
"Mommy said, Mommy said that inside her tummy is doing backflips!"  
"Backflips! That's cool!" He gasped and Josh smiled at the pair.  
"Is my baby brother going, going to, be a-a ninja?"  
"Absolutely," Tyler smiled at his daughter's hyperness,

"Do you want to go and play tag with Wyatt and Leila now?"  
"Daddy I wanna play with yoouuuu!"  
"Well what games can Daddy play when his leg hurts that Darcy likes?" Tyler asked but Darcy didn't answer, simply sat on the floor by her dad's feet.

"Darce, do you want a sausage in a minute?" Josh asked, rolling them over to cook the other sides.  
"Uncle Joshie,"  
"Yeah?"  
"My daddy's bad leg is hurty," Darcy told him tunefully, and he turned and saw that she had rolled up Tyler's pants and started playing with the Velcro strap at the top of his brace. Her small fingers struggled at first but soon enough he heard the signature ripping sound accompanied by a giggle of delight.

"Cheeky, Daddy needs that."  
"Daddy needs a kiss!" Darcy whispered excitedly before delicately pressing her lips to his shin then giggling.  
"Aw thank you Darcy, that makes me feel better,"  
"It's magic!"  
"It's because you're a magical superpower fairy," Tyler told her with a smile, then pulled her up onto his lap and hugged her tight.  
"I'm a fairy Daddy?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Look I can fly!" She said proudly, wriggling straight off his lap again and beginning to jump up and down. Josh and Tyler both laughed as she grinned and laughed and jumped over and over again.

"Careful near the hot Darce," Josh warned her as she strayed a little too close to the grill for his liking.  
"Come here princess," Tyler beckoned her, holding out his left hand that she took tenderly with another playful giggle.  
"Darcy! Come and play again!" They heard a little boy's voice call from the grass and she immediately ran away from the men who were left laughing.

"She's adorable,"  
"Always makes me smile," Tyler agreed.  
"Want me to tighten that back up?" Josh gestured to his AFO brace with his tongs.  
"She's such a troublemaker, I've got it." He laughed whilst leaning over and redoing the Velcro strap before rolling down his pants again.  
"She means well,"  
"Oh absolutely, she's my little princess,"

"Josh darling? Meat almost done?" Debby asked from the kitchen.  
"Almost! Everything's ready except the ribs," Josh called back to his wife.  
"I'll bring the platter dishes over and start loading them up and taking them to the table then,"  
"Thank you!"

"Josh," Tyler said quietly, and he turned back round to see Tyler smiling at the partially hidden thin body of Josh's son. Debby and he had adopted the young boy almost exactly 6 months ago but due to his severe anxiety it was unusual to be able to get him out of his bedroom when they had any guests around, and Josh was slightly taken aback to see him.

"Hey Jacob," Josh smiled softly, crouching down to level with the 7 year old hiding being the bird house. "Wow, well done for coming outside, I'm really really proud of you,"  
"I, I, I, I,"  
"I'm listening Jacob." Josh reassured him without rushing him, and trying to keep eye contact with his beautiful brown eyes that darted erratically.  
"I'm, I'm a little bit hungry," he whispered.  
"Okay, well Mommy's made a buffet on the table by the fence with lots of salads and sides and bread rolls, so I can get something for you if you wait here. Or, Jacob, if you want to be a little bit cheeky then I'll give you the first sausage off the barbecue. Would you like that? One of the skinny sausages?"  
"W-will I get in trouble?"  
"No no, it's alright, Dad's in charge and Dad says it's okay."  
"Um," Jacob breathed shakily, "um, okay,"

"Do you want to pick one? Or Dad choose?"  
"You,"  
"Okay, here, be really careful because it's going to be hot but you can have this then in a minute Mommy or Dad will make you up a plate that you can eat inside if you'd like." Josh said to his son, slowly so as not to overwhelm him, whilst passing across a browned chipolata wrapped in a napkin.  
"Thank you Dad," Jacob replied hushed, barely audible as he took the offering cautiously, and caused Josh to grin. It was the first time the 7 year old had ever called him anything except sir or Josh, and he was a little choked up but simultaneously unbelievably eager to shower him in praise. However he knew from personal experience that highlighting and drawing attention to small things was an anxious person's worst nightmare, so he kept his joy to himself.

"W-w-why, why, why are so many people here?" He whispered after taking a small bite.  
"Do you remember what we told you last night? About Mom and Dad's first day of summer barbecue party? This is that Jacob, and do you remember what else we said? We said that you're invited, you can stay downstairs and sit or play with us, but if you want to stay in your bedroom and put your earplugs in and go under the covers then that's okay too. Wherever you're happiest, I'm happy for you to be." Josh explained quietly to his anxious son, sitting on his heels and watching as his brain ticked, hoping it wasn't putting him through too much.

"I, I'm, I, I, don't know anyone,"  
"These people are all Mommy and Daddy's friends, some from where we work and some from our old school and some from the neighbourhood. Jacob I promise that they're all really nice, otherwise we wouldn't be friends with them."  
"I-is, is Nanny, is Nanny Laura here?"  
"No, Nanny Laura is going to come and babysit you tomorrow when Mom and I go out on our Monday date, but she's not here today. However there are lots of new friends I can help you make?"  
"No! No I don't like new!" Jacob began to panic a little, breath racing as he looked around rapidly with his head and began to whimper a little.

"Jacob, Jacob look at Dad, would Dad ever make you do something you don't want to do?" Josh asked him calmly.  
"No," he mouthed over speedy breaths but didn't hold eye contact.  
"No, I'm never going to force you into doing anything, if you don't want to meet people or even stay downstairs then that's completely okay. Jacob I think you've done such a good job coming down and coming outside because I know it's really scary, and I think later before bedtime you can have a gold star on your chart AND a bar of chocolate,"  
"A whole bar?" Jacob whispered, clearly still anxious but also excited at the prospect of his reward.  
"Yeah, you've earned it littleman, you've absolutely crushed this and I'm so proud of you." Josh told his son honestly, then held up his hand that Jacob high fived. The high five was soft and gentle and didn't make a noise but Josh understood why and was proud of the progress Jacob had made just to touch him at all.

Josh smiled at Jacob before quickly looking over his shoulder and checking on the cooking food. To his slight relief Debby was there, moving each piece off the heat and onto the silver trays to ferry across to the buffet table. She smiled at him subtly and he winked back.

"Are you still a little bit hungry?" He asked and the 7 year old nodded. "The table of food is over there-"  
"Too many people Josh, too many people," Jacob shook his head rapidly with breaths matching.  
"Hey hey, look at me Jacob, look," Josh soothed him whilst pulling out an anxiety toy from his back pocket. He held the small centre circle then flicked the rotating outer blades so they span fast and attracted the boy's attention. When it slowed down, Josh made it spin again and listened to his boy's breathing begin to regulate once more.

"Do you want a go?"  
"Um, please," he nodded nervously so Josh helped him wrap his fingers and his mind around the latest soothing device, then watched as he seemed proud of himself for getting it to work just like his dad.  
"Daddy will get your food for you, you don't need to walk in front of all the people."  
"Don't leave me,"  
"Okay, I won't go, but should we ask Mommy to go instead and I'll stay here with you?"  
"But, but does Debby know what I like?"  
"I think so, I mean she makes you dinner every night and you like that don't you?"  
"Yeah," Jacob admitted agreeing, still watching the spinning toy balancing on his finger.

"Mom? Mom can you make Jacob a plate up please?" He called over to his wife who he knew with absolute certainty had been listening in on their whole conversation.  
"Of course I can sweetie." She reassured them both then walked, trays of meat in each hand, over to the buffet table.

"Now does Jacob want to sit here with Tyler and Dad like one of the big boys and eat his food, or should I ask Tyler to go sit with Jenna, or maybe we can go inside and find somewhere quiet and private together to eat?"  
"Tyler's looking at me," Jacob whispered scared, hiding himself in Josh's shadow. Josh quickly looked over his shoulder and saw his best friend looking out at the lawn where his daughter was running around, rather than over at them.

"He's not Jacob, it's alright."  
"He was before! I, I don't like it!"  
"Okay well I'll tell him not to stare, yeah? And if he was looking it was just because he wanted to check that you're okay because he cares about you Jacob and he loves you."  
"Loves me?"  
"Yeah, he loves you lots."  
"D-do, do you love me?"  
"Course I do Jacob, you're my favourite person in the whooole wide world and I love you thiiiiiiiiss much." Josh smile, opening his arms and stretching them out as wide as he possibly could. Most children would probably have then entered into a competition to stretch even further, but Jacob wasn't most children. Instead he laughed a little before blushing embarrassed and Josh smiled proudly at his son's display of emotions in front of people - something they had been working on for a while.

"Should we try and eat together with Tyler? Just us 3, nobody else?"  
"Um, okay." Jacob nodded before adding, "But Josh,"  
"Yes littleman?"  
"What if my chest goes like this," he asked, then sharply gasped in and squeezed his little fist tightly shut.  
"Then we let out a deep breath and tell it to calm down, like this," Josh replied, letting out a controlled breath between his pursed lips and slowly releasing his own fist till it opened entirely. "If you feel all tight and scared then the most important thing to remember is to breathe. It's going to make all your muscles relax and your head feel better, and help you calm down. I know it might be scary but deep breaths. Want to practice?"  
"Yes." He nodded quietly, then both the father and son held out clenched fists then slowly opened them accompanied with a slow release of breath.  
"Crushed it." Josh smiled.

"Jacob sweetie, I got you some food. If you don't want it all then that's okay, you can leave whatever's too much," Debby said, walking over to the pair tucked away by the grill with a green plastic plate holding carefully positioned amounts of food.  
"Thank you," he whispered, taking it off her with shaking hands.  
"Do you need Mommy's help to find somewhere quiet to sit?" She asked gently.  
"I, I, I'm, uh, I'm sitting with Josh and Tyler."  
"Oh wow! Such a brave boy, aren't you?" Debby smiled proudly. "Mommy's going to go and sit with Jenna and Jess by the tree if you need me, but have fun."  
"Thanks Mommy," Josh smiled at his wife, then down at his son. Jacob held the plate in both hands and Josh sensitively placed a hand on his small back and encouraged him the short distance over towards Tyler. He then proceeded to lift the 7 year old onto one of the chairs, dinner on his lap, before sitting in a different chair.

"Jacob's going to eat here with us," Josh told Tyler proudly.  
"Ooh that's exciting," Tyler replied softly, knowing the extent of his son's anxiety. "Looks yummy."  
"That's because his Mommy made it and she's the best cook in the whole universe," Josh smiled whilst his son didn't make eye contact with either of them.  
"Yeh," Jacob agreed under his breath to Josh's delight.  
"Oh I don't know about that, I think Darcy might say the same about her Mommy," Tyler laughed as Josh watched Jacob carefully bite into a piece of lettuce he had pulled out of his burger, nibbling the edges of the leaf.

"Last night I was telling Jacob all about your job Ty, he liked hearing about it, helped him calm down for bed."  
"And I love doing it. I used to be an ordinary English teacher for big high schoolers and that was lots of fun too, but now working in middle school special ed means I get to help kids who are just like me - a bit different from normal. I still get to be a teacher but I also get to be a helper and that makes me feel good." Tyler said to Jacob but looked at Josh to avoid added pressure. "The kids, they like me because I'm a bit different too, and I like them all because they always make me smile."  
"Yeah," Josh nodded along, happy his friend was so content in his new position and hoping Jacob was listening.

"I was saying to Jacob, maybe when he's a bit bigger and it would be time for him to go middle school in a few years then he might not want to do homeschool with Daddy anymore, he might want to go to school, and that Uncle Tyler in special ed would look after him."  
"Absolutely! Jacob and Tyler, dream team special ed buds, I'd look after you." Tyler smiled as Jacob munched his lettuce leaf. "I was homeschooled too, in fact I never actually went to school at all because I was a bit like you, I had scary things happening in my head as well. But they got better, and you're getting better too aren't you?"  
"Yeah, you're doing amazing Jacob," Josh told him proudly, ruffling his hair then settling it back how he liked it again.

"Josh look!" He suddenly squealed excitedly, pointing to the flower bed. Josh turned over his shoulder and saw their ginger cat Spark prowling along the brick sides. He smiled at his son's reaction to the pet and quickly stood up and swooped up the fluffball before sitting back down and stroking her.

"Sparky!" Jacob whispered with a small smile that melted Josh's heart.  
"Jacob are you going to eat all of your chicken?" He asked and the boy shook his head no. "Do you maybe want to feed a tiny bit to Spark? But shh, don't tell Mom!"  
"Yeh!" He mouthed happily then ripped some of the white meat with his fingers before offering it across to the cat. She immediately scoffed it down and made Jacob laugh.  
"Somebody's hungry,"  
"Sparky, sparky look," Jacob grinned, dangling more chicken for her to reach up and eat.  
"Are you having fun?" Tyler asked the young boy.  
"Yeh!" Jacob replied, shocking Josh once again with how well he was coping and how brave he was being.

"What things do you find fun?" Tyler decided to explore that bravery.  
"Um, um, uh,"  
"You like drawing," Josh helped him out.  
"Yeh," he nodded whilst stroking the cat in Josh's lap and abandoning his own food.  
"Darcy loves to draw too, I think you're probably a bit better than her, she's only 4, but don't tell her I said that."  
"Jacob how would you feel about drawing with Darcy one day? Helping her out? Teaching her how to do it as well as you can?" His Dad asked tentatively, knowing it was a huge step.

"Would Deb, would Debby help me?"  
"If you want her to then yes, of course she would."  
"Darcy's playing right now-" Tyler began to explain before getting interrupted by Jacob beginning to panic.  
"No no no no no, I don't want to play Dad, I don't like playing! I don't like chasing, I don't like it, I don't like it,"  
"Shhh, shhshh, nobody's making you play Jacob, come here, you don't have to play." Josh reassured him, once again not bringing up the way he called him Dad, whilst extending a hand out to him. The panicking child stumbled off the chair and climbed onto Josh's lap instead, burying his face against his chest. Spark the cat barely seemed bothered by the addition of the upset child and moved to sit on his lap instead.

"Nobody's going to chase you Jacob, you're safe I promise, you don't have to play, you can stay here with Dad," he whispered, rubbing his back supportively.  
"I don't like it,"  
"I know you don't mate, I know," Josh murmured, "remember what Dad showed you earlier? The deep breaths? Can we try that again now?"  
"O-okay," Jacob nodded, then they both proceeded to unclench their fists and breathe slowly until Josh finally felt his boy's pounding heart slow right down to normal.

"Jacob, look at me okay? Nobody is ever going to make you do anything you don't want to. Nobody is ever going to make you play. Nobody is ever going to chase you. I promise nobody is ever going to chase you. Okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Do you want to go up to your bedroom? Put your earplugs in?"  
"No," he shook his little head and Josh couldn't contain his proud smile.  
"Okay well you stay down here with Daddy and with Spark."  
"Yeh," he breathed, then began stroking the ginger cat over and over again.

"Jacob I'm sorry I scared you," Tyler said a moment later.  
"S'fine," the boy replied, then laughed a little when Spark stretched her paw out at a funny angle.  
"What's she doing hey?" Josh laughed too before planting a kiss on Jacob's temple.  
"Sparky's funny."  
"Very funny,"

"Ty, lunch," Jenna said, and Josh turned to see her stood by them holding a full plate for him.  
"Oh thanks darling," he smiled, then kissed her quickly on the lips when she leant down.  
"Can I get anybody a drink?" She asked, rubbing her 5 month pregnancy bump lovingly.  
"A water sounds perfect, thank you sweetie,"  
"Josh? Jacob?"  
"I'm okay thanks, do you want anything Jacob?" Josh asked his son gently, aware that it could be a difficult situation for the boy.  
"No thank you Jenna," Jacob replied for himself timidly but nevertheless independently.  
"Okay darling, it's really nice to see you out of your bedroom and your Mommy's told me she's really proud of you, so well done." Jenna smiled and Jacob couldn't find the words to reply but Josh was proud anyway. "I'll grab you that water Ty,"  
"Thaaanks,"

"Well done Champ," Josh praised the boy who continued to stroke their kitty.  
"Is, Josh, is Jenna having a baby?"  
"She's having two babies! Tyler and Jenna are having twins,"  
"Two!"  
"Yeah! They're both in her tummy right now," Josh explained, seeing Tyler's smile out the corner of his eye.  
"Both? At the same time?"  
"Yeah," he laughed at his shocked expression.

"One's a girl and one's a boy." Tyler shared as he began eating the meal that his wife had given him.  
"What do you think they should call them?"  
"A, a girl, um a girl's name is Lucy," Jacob suggested whilst concentrating on the purring ginger cat.  
"Lucy, that's a nice one thank you, I'll add it to our list." Tyler smiled.  
"Boy's are, uh, some boy's are called Isaac,"  
"That's Jenna's favourite!"  
"I heard my name," Jenna said with a smile as she came back over and passed Tyler a glass of water.  
"Jacob thinks Isaac should be our boy's name."  
"Good choice! See I told you Ty, Isaac Joseph, it's perfect, well done Jacob,"  
"Yeah well done Jacob," Josh agreed, lips once again finding their place on his temple.

"Moommmyy I'm booooredd," he heard a little girl's voice complain before he saw Darcy appear behind Jenna's legs. Josh knew that having all 3 Josephs so close to Jacob could potentially overwhelm him so he made sure to keep him hugged against his chest, and was relieved to see that he was still seemingly happy stroking Spark.

"Why don't you play with Wyatt and Leila more? They look like they're having fun." Jenna suggested.  
"I'm bored of their game and I'm too hot Mommy,"  
"Okay well I'll go inside with you darling, should we see whether Josh and Debby and Jacob have any toys you could borrow?"  
"I want to do drawing!" Darcy said, suddenly happy and excited again.  
"Yeah we can do drawing,"  
"Drawing with Jakey!"  
"Jacob's staying with Uncle Joshie and Daddy, but I'm sure we can find some paper and pens together." Jenna said, taking her daughter's hand in hers when Jacob suddenly wriggled of Josh's lap.  
"Jacob brea-" Josh prepared to calm down his son but was pleasantly shocked when he started talking to the younger girl.  
"I'll show you where Darcy," he said, then took her hand and ran off with her towards the house, leaving Josh speechless.  
"Oop okay, wow, I'll look after them," Jenna said then went after them.

"Okay so who is that kid and where's your son gone?" Tyler asked, equally shocked.  
"I have no idea."  
"That's the longest I've seen him go without his ear plugs, let alone going off with Darcy like that."  
"He never ceases to amaze me," Josh shook his head, still struggling to totally believe what he had just seen.  
"He's a rockstar."  
"Do you think I should go check on him?"  
"Nah. It's his house, if he gets worked up then he knows the way to his bedroom and I'm sure Jen will come and get you if she's worried." Tyler reassured him. "Josh he'll be fine."  
"Hope so."

"So go on, how's this week been with him?"  
"Good actually, yeah, he's been getting a lot braver at asking questions when he doesn't understand something."  
"So you're enjoying being a homeschool teacher? Finally gonna admit that teaching is a cool career choice?" Tyler smirked as he ate his lunch.  
"My teaching and your teaching are completely different, but I'll admit that it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Trumps working in marketing or record shops any day."  
"Yeah course." Tyler nodded interested.

"Debby's been running night shifts recently so we've been having quite a lot of dad-son time which has been nice,"  
"Oh I caught him calling you Dad earlier by the way, that's big, congratulations,"  
"Yeh that's actually the second time, he did it a little bit earlier too,"  
"Oh wow,"  
"I'm not gonna make him conscious of it, just gonna feel very proud discreetly."  
"Yeh good call." Tyler agreed. "I'm happy for you though man,"  
"Thanks Ty." Josh smiled before looking over at the glass doors and trying and failing to spy on his anxious son.

"How about you? How's your week been?"  
"No seizures,"  
"Whoop whoop," Josh cheered. "How long's that now? 2 months?"  
"Yep dead on."  
"Congrats dude,"  
"Thanks, urm, what other news, oh Darcy got that place in the kindergarten we wanted."  
"Oh bless her, feels so weird to imagine her starting school soon."  
"You're telling me! I remember when she was learning how to roll over and our biggest issue was stopping her rolling under the couch, and now we're talking about school. S'mad really."  
"Haha aw yeah, I remember that."

"But what was that you were saying to Jacob? Thinking about enrolling him into school?"  
"Nah not seriously, I'm enjoying staying home with him right now, I was just thinking about the future."  
"Yeah,"  
"He's not got friends, and I don't think he's ready for any just yet but in the future I want him to have people to talk to other than his old man."  
"Yeah," Tyler agreed. "Well just do what my parents did to me and stick him in group therapy, never know, might end up meeting his best friend in the whole world."  
"Flirt." Josh laughed, remembering how they had met over 15 years ago.

"I think he'll be alright through Josh, I mean he's got Darcy and then there's Jess's kids and Tom's kids, quite a few of your friends have children his age, when he's ready then you can start inviting them round."  
"Yeah that's true actually. Plus Chase and Darren are in the process of adopting together too."  
"Really? Wow, I didn't know."  
"Yep, they're using the same adoption agency that we did but the little girl they're adopting is from a different care home to Jacob so they won't know each other."  
"Aw bless, I'm happy for them."  
"Me too. I mean Chase spent the majority of the first year of our friendship trying to mother me, so I'm glad he's finally getting a littleone to direct that at." Josh smiled to himself and Tyler laughed.

"But going back to Jacob, Debby and I are gonna start doing little tasks with him, trying to get him out of the house."  
"6 months he's been with you right?"  
"Yeh,"  
"And how often does he leave the house?"  
"Very very rarely. He sometimes goes to my mom's but he has his earplugs in every single time he goes in the car and usually doesn't take them out till about an hour after he arrives there."  
"Have you ever considered getting him some proper noise cancelling headphones?" Tyler asked, biting into his corn.  
"We thought about it but reckon it's probably a step in the wrong direction. The earplugs he's got are pretty high quality, like they were the best out there and quite a big investment, but they're not totally sound proof. If we moved him up to completely silent then moving back to coping with noise again is gonna be hard. The earplugs just muffle everything and remove the background noise so he's not overwhelmed,"  
"And it's probably a comfort thing too, like a safety blanket."  
"Yeah definitely," Josh agreed, "it's his way of saying I'm not feeling safe and you need to give me some space."  
"Yeah,"

"He maybe goes to my mom's once a fortnight, but other than that he's pretty much housebound."  
"Bless him, anxiety's so hard,"  
"Really hard." He nodded. "But yeah, he's done amazingly today and I'm sure he's gonna continue to get better, and hopefully we can start going out on little family trips soon."  
"Hopefully," Tyler smiled sympathetically.  
"Thinking I might try him at the aquarium at some point. I'm a bit worried about the car journey and the crowds, but I'm gonna tell him to keep his earplugs in and hopefully just settle him in front of a tank and see how long he's happy there."

"That's what you used to do with me," Tyler reminisced with a nostalgic smile.  
"Ahh the good old schizophrenic days," he laughed.  
"I feel like we deserve a tank to be named after us, or sharks called Tyler and Josh or something. We've been there so many times that we're practically sponsors."  
"Duh duh, duh duh, oh god no! It's the fiercest shark in the whole ocean, and it's name is...Tyler! Arrgghhhhhh,"  
"Hahahaha,"

"Daddy, Jacob's drawn you a picture," Jenna said softly and Josh turned to see her stood slightly behind his son, who held a sheet of paper in both his hands anxiously.  
"Wow thank you Jacob, can I see?" He asked gently and Jacob nodded then climbed back up onto his lap, finally spooking Spark away. Josh made sure he was comfortably perched before looking down at the drawing.

The middle of the picture were three stick figures, Debby clearly sticking out with bright orange hair and Josh's pink hair drawn in highlighter. Between them was a smaller stick figure that Josh knew was intended to be a self portrait. His presumption was confirmed when his eyes wandered down to the grass they were hovering above and saw 'Mommy Debby, Me, Daddy Josh' written amongst it. Josh smiled, then looked to the top of the picture and saw the quarter-sun in the corner how all kids drew it. Next to it seemed to be clouds, but he saw 4 stick figures floating in them.

"Oh wow, I love it Jacob, it's amazing, you got my hair just right. What's this bit?"  
"Um, uh, that, that one's my real mommy and that's my sister Lucy and that's my real daddy in heaven from the car crash, I don't remember what they look like though so I didn't know the colours, and that one's Luke your old baby from dying. They're in Heaven watching Jacob with new Daddy and Mommy."

 

 

  
"I told him we would frame it." Josh told his wife as he came back out of the ensuite bathroom and climbed into bed beside her where she was inspecting the drawing.  
"Yeah absolutely."  
"It's the first time he's spoken to me about his birth family, has he said anything to you before?"  
"No never," Debby replied, carefully propping the artwork up on her bedside table and turning to face her husband.  
"I was thinking I might phone up his social worker, what's her name again?"  
"Louise."  
"Yeah Louise and just ask whether there's any photos of them in his file. I mean he was only 4 when they died, I'm not surprised he can't remember how they looked."  
"Yeah, and he's probably blocked it out, I mean he lost them all,"  
"Bless, breaks my heart even now." Josh sighed as Debby pulled her hair tie out and snuggled up to him.

"Did he seem okay when you put him to bed?"  
"Drained." Josh replied honestly. "We talked for a little bit but when he came back from the bathroom after brushing his teeth he had his earplugs in. I stayed with him for a while, we hugged in his bed for about 10 minutes, but eventually I just left him to it, he needs his space."  
"Yeh,"  
"And I let him keep Spark in bed with him as a little treat for doing so well today."  
"He did amazingly, I'm so proud of him," she smiled. "I ended up putting 5 gold stars on his chart,"  
"Yeah he told me actually, he was really proud of himself too."  
"Was he? Aww bless him, I love that boy so much,"  
"So do I," Josh smiled to himself in the dark.

"I love you J,"  
"I love you too beautiful,"  
"I'm proud of you too, you know that right?" She murmured into his shirt.  
"Me?"  
"Yeah. Earlier at the barbecue I was sat on the lawn and I looked over at you and Ty and you were both happy and smiling and I don't want you to ever play down how much effort you both had to put in to get to this point. You're both happy Josh, and that's the best feeling for me as a wife and a best friend. I mean I started thinking about when we met, at the picture house, and you couldn't hold eye contact with anyone and you had to keep stepping out for air after serving every customer, and now look at you hey? A husband, a dad." Debby whispered and Josh blushed.

"Anxiety was this thing, this massive horrible overwhelming terrifying thing that tried so hard, _so hard_ , to take you down, but you didn't let it J. In fact, I think you've beaten it."  
"I think so too." He agreed, pressing his lips to her temple lovingly.

"And now we've got Jacob, and you're using everything you've learnt yourself and teaching him. Not just in homeschool, but in how to survive with anxiety and how to thrive with anxiety. I honestly don't know what he would have done without you, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without you."  
"Luckily we'll never have to find out, and that's also because of you Debby. You saved my life, you're the reason I overcame everything I've overcome."

"I love you,"  
"I love you more," Josh smiled, then planted a long closed mouth kiss on his wife's lips.

"Mommy? Daddy? Can Sparky and me sleep in your bed?" They heard a small voice ask timidly from the door and they both grinned at each other, beyond flattered to finally earn the titles, before propping themselves up and looking at him.  
"Course you can little man, and you too fluffball," Josh smiled at their son wearing the old cat like a scarf.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Debby asked as he climbed up the double bed and crawled between them, Spark clambering off his shoulders and settling down near Josh's feet.  
"No, I, I, I just, I just like you," Jacob explained cutely.  
"Aw okay, that's lucky because we like you too. Of course you can stay in here with us."  
"Did you bring your earplugs?" Josh asked him.  
"No,"  
"That's a shame, you're probably going to need them because Mommy snores." He teased.  
"I do not!"  
"Yes she does!" Josh whispered into his son's ear and earning a little giggle from him.

"I'm, I'm the little one in the middle, I'm a Jacob sandwich." Jacob announced happily a moment later and Josh couldn't help but smile at his wife and then down at his son.  
"Yeah that's right champ, Jacob sandwich, nom nom nom, tasty," he laughed, pretending to eat Jacob's arm whilst he shrieked in delight.  
"Dad! Daddy stop! Arghhahaha, don't eat me!"  
"Daddy stop eating Jacob, it's bedtime." Debby warned him with a smile.  
"Okay fiiiine, but I'm having a Jacob sandwich for breakfast."  
"You're both crazy," she sighed, repositioning her head on the pillow. "But I love you both with all my heart."  
"And I love you both as well, my little family." Josh smiled proudly at the pair.  
"Love you Mommy." Jacob told Debby then softly pecked her on the cheek before rolling over to face Josh and doing the same. "Love you Daddy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: wow I'm feeling so inspired, I'm just gonna go for it and sit and write a 6000 word epilogue in one sitting the day after posting the last chapter because I love writing.  
> Also me: nobody cares about this fic, I should probably go write the next cancer chapter considering everybody's waiting but nahhh, it's taken me a week to write 700 words, I hate writing, it's dumb.
> 
> Sorryyyy, cancer fic will be done whenever I can pull my head out my butt, but for now enjoy this. I've honestly had so much fun with this fic and loved the journey I've been in whilst writing it, thanks so much for reading and I love you all xx
> 
> Also shock horror, HAPPY ENDING :O


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